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Spectator Commentary thread for Ceramic DM (Winter 2005)
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<blockquote data-quote="BSF" data-source="post: 2042829" data-attributes="member: 13098"><p><strong>Ruined's Working for the Weekend</strong></p><p></p><p>Wow! That was a fun story. Good picture use, though I do think Macbeth edges you out in that area. The biggest problem is that I end up feeling like I want a bit more to the story. I'm not quite sure what more it is I want though. The ending just feels a tad anti-climatic. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps I want a little more build up about how hard Tinsdale and Gavin work? I think the story could benefit from painting a bit more about their deep desire to work. The sheer joy of the time they spend being productive could make for some excellent contrast with the nature of their punishment. Admittedly, it is not an easy thing to show this “need” on their part but showing that need would strengthen the story. Especially at the beginning of the story, Tinsdale seems to treat working hard more as a status competition. Perhaps that is what you were trying to convey? I don't know. </p><p></p><p>Nevertheless it is a clever, enjoyable story. You have a nice style to your writing and you have a strong visualization of the world you are writing in. I think if you could have delved a bit deeper into the characterization and drive of Tinsdale and Gavin, your story would have been even stronger.</p><p></p><p>I really hope we see your stories in future Ceramic DM competitions. </p><p></p><p>Thanks for the story.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BSF, post: 2042829, member: 13098"] [b]Ruined's Working for the Weekend[/b] Wow! That was a fun story. Good picture use, though I do think Macbeth edges you out in that area. The biggest problem is that I end up feeling like I want a bit more to the story. I'm not quite sure what more it is I want though. The ending just feels a tad anti-climatic. Perhaps I want a little more build up about how hard Tinsdale and Gavin work? I think the story could benefit from painting a bit more about their deep desire to work. The sheer joy of the time they spend being productive could make for some excellent contrast with the nature of their punishment. Admittedly, it is not an easy thing to show this “need” on their part but showing that need would strengthen the story. Especially at the beginning of the story, Tinsdale seems to treat working hard more as a status competition. Perhaps that is what you were trying to convey? I don't know. Nevertheless it is a clever, enjoyable story. You have a nice style to your writing and you have a strong visualization of the world you are writing in. I think if you could have delved a bit deeper into the characterization and drive of Tinsdale and Gavin, your story would have been even stronger. I really hope we see your stories in future Ceramic DM competitions. Thanks for the story. [/QUOTE]
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Spectator Commentary thread for Ceramic DM (Winter 2005)
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