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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Krafus" data-source="post: 3534024" data-attributes="member: 27256">I've been reading this story for some time now, and I've gotten to the middle of page 10.First, you're great at writing prose. And the battle scenes are very detailed - you could give R.A. Salvatore a run for his money. You make those scenes very easy to visualize, and one understands why one side is winning and the other is losing. The Alraxian culture is also quite well developed, and I really felt like I was reading a Star Wars story.However, Akan/Jyren is one of the least likeable protagonists I've read about in a while. He's come across as rather stupid and quite incompetent, especially in getting his ass kicked by BBEGs. He never seems to learn; even after doing some dumbass move, he follows it with more. Plus he seems to be inferior in every way to Marix except for piloting, which doesn't happen enough to truly make him shine. Or rather, even when he's piloting, he makes foolish decisions. And his emo/angsty routine got tiresome fast.As for Marix, while she's obviously a bit better than Jyren skill-wise, she too seems totally incapable of matching BBEGs. Her Darkwing kicked her ass. So did the Mrraskesh, Nine and Ket. And her letting herself be abused by everyone when she arrived on Alraxia did nothing to improve my appreciation of her.Oh, and I have to note something Marix said to Jyren after Ket's death, about how Ket would have been more valuable had he been taken alive and Jyren made a mistake in killing him. Hmm, excuse me? She and Jyren did their best in taking him down, and as usual, their best wasn't good enough. Ket was beating them, and was about to kill Marix. So exactly how was Jyren supposed to save Marix and capture him? "I'm sorry, I should have held back. We were doing so well against Ket until then, after all. I really should have come up with and implemented a viable strategy to defeat and capture him in the fraction of a second I had to react when he was about to decapitate you."Also, the progression of the relationship between Jyren and Mirax feels very awkward and unnatural. At a certain time, I was wondering if Jyren was neutered or an eunuch; how else could he be so completely clueless as to the other aspects of the link, especially once they arrived on Alraxia? As for Mirax, she was dishonest with Jyren from the start, first in explaining to him fully the aspects of the bond and what it means in Alraxian culture, then in admitting her feelings for him. It's as if she had to dragged and all but tortured into admitting her feelings, making it that much less convincing. And even then, she's obviously very uncomfortable with the situation. Even in her thoughts at the end of of page 9 (chapter 270), she's incapable of actually saying the word love, which IMO means she's still incapable of accepting the idea, regardless of everything that has happened between the two of them by then. If Jyren wasn't so emotionally needy in regard to the link, I would have recommended for him to ditch Marix and find someone who can be honest with others and herself as to her feelings instead of needing to be raked over coals before admitting anything.Mind you, I'm not saying that you should have put in something that would have shocked Eric's grandmother, but more acceptance of the idea - or even of their mutual attraction -, along with some physical signs of affection, would IMO have gone a long way into making their relationship feel more genuine.Gah. I'm sorry if this read like a long rant. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f641.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":(" title="Frown    :("  data-smilie="3"data-shortname=":(" /> I actually enjoyed reading the story - I just can't help but point out the areas where IMO some modifications would have made it even better. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />Oh, and if I haven't made you too angry, I was wondering what were Ket and Nine's stats? I'm always interested in high-level characters.</blockquote>

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