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Message: <blockquote data-quote="izillama" data-source="post: 4640297" data-attributes="member: 79171">Clover wasn't surprised that Ruby had asked her this. She had known that it was coming, but that didn't make it any more pleasant. Clasping her hands, she sat down on the bench at the bus stop. Her back was straight as a board, her legs crossed at the ankles. She put herself back in the mindset of Catholic school.She nodded, "Have you... have you ever studied for a test, Ruby? I mean, really studied? You stay up all night. Go to the tutor. Brush off all your friends to flip through flashcards. And then you turn up to school on the day of the test. Go to class. And then... you realized that the class you studied for was actually the wrong  class. You had a test in English, not math. And you haven't cracked a book open in a week?"She didn't look at Ruby. It was tough putting it all into words."I've... spent my entire life being perfect. Not a perfectionist, mind you, but just in that I can do no wrong. My grades are perfect. So is my attendance. I was praised by everyone. Idolized. Everyone wanted to be me. I mean, I really do see myself as a humble person, Ruby, but I think that, really, I enjoyed the attention."She halted herself. 'Wow, that sounds really... terrible. I must sound like the most selfish person in the world...'"And then, I went off to college. I was like, okay, everything I've learned up until now I can apply here. I'll still be popular. I'll still be successful!Clover found herself getting a little too animated, and she restrained herself, staring straight in front of her at a point on the ground. Her voice was bitter, "But you know what they say about the best made plans of mice and men. I had spent so much time being successful in an all-girl's Catholic school, always being my teachers' and my parents' pet, that I had never learned anything! I was a complete fish out of water. My values were completely different than the values of my peers. I couldn't relate to any of them. The harder I tried, the harder it was to fit in. "I realized that my perfect life, one that I and others had valued... really... was worth nothing."Who was I to impose on my peers?" she hissed. "Who was I to make them feel inferior, even if I wasn't trying? I felt guilty for being alive. For wasting everyone's time. I stayed up at night, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how many people in the world there are and how insignificant I really am. I felt small and alone. Seeing Mindy going out every night with her friends, coming back drunk and spewing vomit, I wanted no part of it. But I wanted to be invited. But I didn't know how! I didn't know anything! I'm just a stupid girl who's gone to Catholic school all her life and now doesn't even know how to talk to guys!" Angry, she punched the wooden bench. It splintered, but didn't break."What good am I with no real life skills. I had been like a puppet. Get up. Go to school. Come home. Study. Go to bed. Repeat. My father wanted me to be happy. But he thought that my happy was following what he did. But I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Banking? Business? I just happen to be good at it. But I don't know what I want! Is it that? I don't know. I don't know anything about myself, because all I know is what I've been told. I have no personality. No worth. My dad used to call me his little China Doll. I would sit and be quiet. Be rigid. Be perfect and pretty. But there was nothing going on in my head. I have no thoughts of my own. No life!"She grew quiet again and bowed her head, defeated, "I know what they say about suicide. It's selfish. My mother, you know, she can't have children anymore. It was a miracle that I survived being born. She loves me very much. She would be so sad to see me go. But... I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. And every time I thought like that, I grew more depressed. "A complete downward spiral. Once I let it get a hold of me, there was no escape."I... wanted to die. I wanted to end it all. Even I can't really pinpoint it, Ruby. I can't really explain why. It's stupid. It was a stupid reason. And now," she clenched her fist that had just splintered the bench. She saw her veins showing blue through her paper-thin, super pale skin, "and now I'm as good as dead. I was ruined either way, wasn't I? Fate. I was going to jump off of a building on Halloween night. I wanted to, though looking back on it now, I don't know if I would have had the courage to. Instead, I got turned into the undead. Heh, that's pretty funny, isn't it?"She grew quiet, squinting her eyes shut in pain. She had never said anything like that to someone before. She had never admitted a weakness. But Koln and Ruby, she felt, could be her outlet. Ruby had sat there listening. She hadn't tried to stop her. Clover was so grateful.</blockquote>

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