The Adventures of the Gofers of Zarash'ak

[Karrde723]

AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, this is my first story hour. I've done archive binges on several of the story hours on here, and since my group and I just started a new campaign, I figured I should give back to this great community by starting my own. I've got no idea how this campaign or story hour will turn out, but it'll be at least amusing if the first session is any indication.

Quick background information. It's an Eberron campaign, starting out in the city of Zarash'ak in the Shadow Marshes. For those unfamiliar with it, it's a wretched hive of scum and villainy. On stilts. We are all members of the Finder's Guild, which is run by House Tharashk. The Finder's Guild mission is to find and retrieve items and people for other people. Essentially, they are the patron saints of the fetch quest. Because of our group's busy schedules, the campaign is set up as a bunch of one-offs so that characters can be swapped in and out depending on player availability. So expect characters to cycle in and out between adventures.

But enough blabbing. Let's get down to the painful deaths!

EPISODE II: THE INTRODUCTIONING
In which our heroes meet and wish they hadn't.
​

Theren adjusted his bow as he looked out at the caravan. A half dozen goblins strained to load several large crates onto the last wagon, while an orc took delight in motivating them by kicking them every now and then. Not exactly his kind of people. At least he had Theta on this mission, though the warforged wasn’t nearly as good at alleviating boredom as he was at horribly dismembering people. Theren checked the message from the Finder’s Guild one more time.


ESCORT DRAGONSHARDS TO SHARN <STOP> TRAVEL WITH CARAVAN TO URTHHOLD <STOP> CONTINUE BY SHIP TO SHARN AND MEET WITH HOUSE CANNITH <STOP> WILL BE ASSISTED BY LYANWHYTE <STOP> SORRY ABOUT LYANWHYTE <STOP>


That last part worried him. Theren looked around for someone in charge and spotted a well dressed hobgoblin with a large scar on the right side of his face standing next to an ogre. As they started toward the hobgoblin, Theta nudged Theren. Theren looked around to see a surprising and confusing sight.

A tall, rail thin half-elf who looked like he was dressed by a blind clown was striding toward the hobgoblin. The spectacle stepped up to the hobgoblin and casually flipped hair that stood a foot high on his head. “I am the Lord General Lyanwhyte,” the monstrosity said bowing, “a humble minstrel. Do you require my service?”

“Take it elsewhere,” said the hobgoblin.

Theren and Theta hurried up to the hobgoblin. “We’ve been sent here by the Finder’s Guild.”

“Me too,” said Lyanwhyte, much to Theren’s dismay.

The hobgoblin grunted. “Right. Don’t see why they need to send extra protection; we’re well outfitted.” He gestured toward the ogre. “I’m Azeron by the way. Two rules. Don’t get in the way and don’t talk to me. Got it?”

Theren and Theta nod.

“Of course,” said Lyanwhyte. He spun and pointed at one of the goblins loading crates. “You. Follow me.” The goblin took a few steps toward Lyanwhyte before shaking his head and returning to work, where he received a good kick from the orc. Lyanwhyte raised an eyebrow. “I think I shall name him Cabbagehead.” Lyanwhyte turned back to Azeron. “How much for young Cabbagehead over there?”

Azeron looked irritably toward Lyanwhyte. He gestured to the ogre. The ogre grabbed Lyanwhyte and lifted him into the air.

Lyanwhyte looked at the ogre. “I think I shall name you Snuggles.”

The ogre tossed Lyanwhyte several yards away.

Theren shook his head. It was going to be a long trip.

*****
​

The first several days of travel were uneventful. Lyanwhyte busied himself trying to co-opt the unfortunate Cabbagehead into his service, while Theren and Theta busied themselves ignoring Lyanwhyte. On the third night though, something finally happened.

They were camped out near a circle of standing stones in a forest clearing. Theren performed his morning stretches, having awoken from his nightly trance an hour before. Theta stood like a statue, exactly where he had stood when they had set up camp several hours before, whilst Lyanwhyte slumbered in his bedroll dead to the world. Theren heard them only an instant before the enemy was on top of them. A swarm of giant rats descended upon them, jaws snapping hungrily.

Theren grabbed his bow and rolled away from the two coming for him, and before he was even on his feet, he had sunk an arrow into the skull of one. “Theta, on your guard!”

Theren’s warning was unnecessary as Theta had already cleaved one of the beasts in twain with his axe. Theta was still facing down two more of the rats as well as their master, a grungy wererat using a nearby tree for cover.

Lyanwhyte jolted awake as another rat bore down on him. “Invaders!” He drew his sword, a glittery, tasseled thing to match his outfit, and stabbed the monster through the chest from where he lay. He stood still in his bedroll and called, “Cabbagehead, to me!”

A goblin curse was all that answered him.

Theta slashed at another of the beasts but met nothing but shadows, his eyes unaccustomed to fighting in the dim light of the moon.

The dire rat snapped at Theren, but he ducked away and buried an arrow into the beast’s side. The rat snapped and kept coming. Lyanwhyte cracked a sunrod and came to Theren’s aid as he loosed a scream powerful enough to rend flesh from the beast’s bones. Theren finished it with an arrow to the beast’s eye.

The rats tore into Theta, managing to find purchase among the warforged’s armor plating. Theta repaid them by cutting them in half. The wererat’s bite struck home as well, leaving a festering wound on Theta’s arm.

With only the wererat left, Theren and Lyanwhyte began blasting at it with song and arrow though their attacks found little more than the wood and foliage of the tree. After trading blows for half a minute, the wererat realized it was outmatched and tried to flee, but Theta struck the final blow before it could escape.

The battle done, they checked on the rest of the caravan. The rats had been handily dealt with by the goblins while the ogre was slowly grinding another of the wererats into paste against a standing stone.
“Well that was exciting,” said Lyanwhyte. “I’m going back to bed.”

Theren watched Lyanwhyte return to his spot before going to tend to Theta’s wounds.

He did not like that guy.

 

[Goonalan]

Nice start, did I miss Episode I?

Keep it up.

More Cabbagehead- he's my fave...

Cheers Goonalan

 

[Karrde723]

Glad you like it. There is no Episode I because I wasn't there for it. This was technically the second session of the campaign, and I liked the idea that there was no first episode. The second half of the first episode should be up soon. I just finished writing up the LONG combat we had during the second session so I would remember it all, 'cause it was very important.

Oh and there is quite a bit more Cabbagehead to come.

 

[Karrde723]

The Adventures of the Gophers of Zarash'ak: Entry 2

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Damn this took a long time to write. This isn't as easy as I'd thought it'd be.

​

EPISODE II.5: THE FILLER EPISODE
In which our heroes wait for the plot to continue.
​

The caravan reached Urthhold without further incident.

“The ship won’t reach port ‘til tomorrow morning,” Azeron told them in the port office when they reached the dock. “So piss off ‘til then.”

Theren and Theta nodded and turned to go. Lyanwhyte, however…

“Of course, but about young Cabbagehead…”

Azeron signaled to the ogre, who picked up Lyanwhyte and tossed him out the window.

Lyanwhyte landed hard on his face. Slowly, he stood and brushed himself off. “I shall make note of this,” he muttered to himself.

Theren and Theta left and split up. Theren was looking forward to the time alone. Mainly because it was time away from Lyanwhyte. He walked the busy streets looking for the best bar in town, which considering Urthhold was little more than a glorified shantytown, was a little like trying to find the softest part of a manure heap. While searching, he had the distinct feeling he was being followed. He discreetly looked around and found, much to his dismay, Lyanwhyte was poorly attempting to tail him. Theren ignored him, hoping the bard would keep his distance. But he also noticed two hobgoblins seemed to be unusually interested in him, though they were much more discreet about it than Lyanwhyte.

Theren found a not entirely run down tavern called the Tarnished Monkey and entered. Inside was what would be a typical dive bar in any other city, but in Urthhold was probably a first class establishment. The patrons were mostly goblins and hobgoblins with a smattering of humans. Behind the bar was a massive female bugbear, polishing a chipped glass with a dirty rag. Theren sat at the bar and noticed both Lyanwhyte and the two tailing hobgoblins enter the bar. The hobgoblins quietly took a seat at a table, while Lyanwhyte walked right up to Theren.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Lyanwhyte said. Theren grimaced in response.

The bartender stepped up to them. “Whatd’ya want?” “A flagon of your finest, barkeep,” said Lyanwhyte. “What’s good to eat?” asked Theren.

“We got some good elf meat in yesterday.”

“Anything that doesn’t think?”

“I just said we got elf meat,” the bartender said with a toothy grin.

“Just a glass of the cheap stuff.” The bartender poured two mugs of the same beer and set them down in front of Theren and Lyanwhyte.

“My good lady, I am the Lord General Lyanwhyte, a humble minstrel, and I was hoping I could entertain your patrons with a small medley.”

“We usually don’t get music from your…” the bartender looked over Lyanwhyte’s ridiculous outfit, “type.”

“Then you are in for a treat.”

Theren grabbed a tiny hand as it wrapped around his money pouch. A small goblin looked up at him in surprise and fright. Theren leaned down close to the goblin. I suggest you find an easier mark he hissed in Giant. Lyanwhyte loomed up next to the goblin, his height and bizarre appearance somehow adding to his menace. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM Lyanwhyte boomed in his best devilish sounding Supernal. Theren released the goblin’s hand and he ran off to a far off corner of the bar. Lyanwhyte turned back to the bartender, all smiles. “Now shall I play a ballad or would you prefer something… lighter?”

*****
​

As Lyanwhyte set up, Theren watched the hobgoblins. They seemed to be minding their own business until one “accidentally” stretched his leg as a human walked past. The human tripped, knocking into a table of hobgoblins, spilling their drinks. The first strands of Lyanwhyte’s ballad began to ring out.

“Watch where you’re walking jackass,” said the hobgoblin.

“Who you calling a jackass?” asked the human.

The first punch flew as Lyanwhyte began. “Ricky was a young boy; he had a heart of stone…”

It was a full on bar brawl in mere moments. One of the hobgoblins stood, drew his sword, and pointed at Theren. The other pulled out a flail rushed Lyanwhyte on the stage.

“Worked his FINGERS TO THE BOOOONE!” Lyanwhyte’s voice blew a hole in the floor in front of the would be attacker. The hobgoblin kept coming, leaping onto the stage and delivering Lyanwhyte a savage blow. Lyanwhyte grimaced but didn’t miss a note.

The other hobgoblin charged Theren. Theren vaulted over the bar just in time for the hobgoblin’s slash to miss. Theren had his bow out in an instant and placed two shots right into the hobgoblin’s chest. The hobgoblin didn’t even notice.

Lyanwhyte stumbled off the stage, barely dodging another hit from the flail. He backed up toward Theren hoping he could switch the hobgoblin’s attention to the ranger or at least gain some assistance from him. “Fought like a switchblade so no ONE could take him down!” Lyanwhyte sang as he struck a power chord, a bolt of lightning blasting from the guitar and shocking both hobgoblins. They barely noticed. This was not good.

Outside, Theta walked through the city’s square. He had hours ago discovered the first place he had wanted to find, a place away from the other two, but had yet to find the second, some place interesting. He heard the unmistakable sounds of a bar fight from a tavern right off the square and hurried toward it, hoping to get in on the action. He crashed through the nearest door into the tavern to find himself in the kitchen with a couple startled cooks. Through the door to the main hall, Theren backed up into the kitchen, shooting through the open doorway. Theta drew his axe.

Theren was relieved to see Theta as he charged past him. This would make things a lot easier. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw one of the cooks stealthily advancing on him wielding a frying pan. A quick shot from Theren’s bow pinned the cook’s sleeve to the wall and discouraged any more heroics. He turned back to the fight only to see the barkeep inches from him wielding a Morningstar the size of him. She glared at Theren. “You’re paying. For. My. Door.” Theren nodded emphatically and the barkeep returned to the bar.

Theren returned to the fight to find Theta handily beating the crap out of his hobgoblin attacker. “Take him alive, Theta. I want some questions answered.” Theta obliged by bashing the hobgoblin’s skull through the wall and the hobgoblin went limp.

Meanwhile, Lyanwhyte was barely dodging his assailant and was launching sonic blasts that could only be described as “in the general direction” of the hobgoblin. On the bright side though, he hadn’t missed a note. Theren put an arrow in the hobgoblin’s chest while Theta charged him and embedded his axe in the hobgoblin’s side.

The remaining hobgoblin, now facing three against one, booked it, taking a parting blow from both Theta and Theren before fleeing out into the crowded street.

As the last strains of Lyanwhyte’s song rang out, the group turned back to the trashed and mostly empty bar. There was a smattering of applause from the few employees cleaning up, but all the patrons had either left or fallen unconscious or dead.

Except one.

Theren recognized the goblin quietly sneaking away as the one who had tried to rob him earlier. “Grab him!” Theren said. At this the goblin tried to run but it was easily caught by Theta.

“You, what’s your name?” Theren asked. The goblin stared in wide eyed bewilderment at them and started jabbering in Goblin. WHAT IS YOUR NAME Lyanwhyte repeated. The goblin pointed to himself and said, “Grok.”

“Grok, do you know what this was about?” Theren asked. Lyanwhyte repeated it in Supernal, but Grok shook his head. Theren sighed. The only choice was the one unconscious hobgoblin then. Theren searched the body for clues, but came up with nothing more than a bag heavy with gold. Theren turned to the barkeep, who had gone back to polishing her glasses. He tossed her the bag.

“That should pay for the door. We’ll also be needing a room for the night and…” he looked at the unconscious hobgoblin, “some privacy.”

The barkeep weighed the bag in her hand and nodded. “You’d better not get blood everywhere.”

Theta lifted up the cowering Grok by the head until he was at eye level. He looked into the goblins eyes. “You. Are. Mine.” Grok hastily nodded. Lyanwhyte moved in next to Theta and pointed to Grok’s chest. He leaned in, looked Grok in the eye, and said OTHER CABBAGEHEAD.