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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Goonalan" data-source="post: 1708517" data-attributes="member: 16069">The Wannabe & Original Wednesday Knights.SESSION XXXVII.Chewsday 28th Mork 2000By the Ghoulies.Characters presentZanakand Male Dwarf Fighter 2 (Kev. M.)Greta Goldgarth Female Elven Priest of Corellan 2 (Wayne)Fred Male Human Fighter 1 (Emma) Lea Female Halfling Thief 2 (Erin)The Wannabies spend an hour or so scouting around the now deserted underground, searching out any so far undiscovered nooks or crannies, alas their efforts go unrewarded. They return to the surface for tea- Lobster Tikka sandwiches, extra mayo for Zan.Now to get back across the water-Zan is showboating a little on the swim to the far shore- backstroke, eating a sandwich, with the mayo bowl balanced on his chest- when somebody/thing pulls at his skiddies (underpants) from below.The Dwarf gargles something before sinking below the water, fortunately he has a rope tied around his waist, the others begin to pull him in. However the Lacedon has learnt his lesson, he’s brought a dagger with him for just such eventuality- SAW SAW HACK HACK,and then,PING, the rope shoots back knocking Fred off his feet.“Bug’R”Greta and Lea dive into the water- there follows a slightly dodgy (is there any other sort) DM decision.Real (proper) DM’s look away now. Greta spots the Aquatic Ghoul and quick draws her Holy Symbol of Corellan-“Bluubble Blub Bluubbbba Blubble Blub Be Gone Foul Blubble.”The Lacedon shrugs its shoulders, as if to say, “it’s a fair cop”, and scoots off.Lea and Greta quickly scoop up the paralyzed Dwarf, who thanks to their quick reactions is alive. They surface and then swim safely to the other side of the lake, in a rush.Thawsday 30th Mork 2000There follows a fairly uneventful two-day journey back to civilisation, Arduat. There the Wannabies meet up with Jethro the Priest and return the relics they have found to the Church of Pelor, for their services they are rewarded $750. Alas though they have to give back the Longsword of Undead Slaying that Fred has really taken to.“I wuz really gettin’ into dat.”Greta pats the frustrated Fighter on the shoulder and promises to get him a bigger sword to play with later.The above scenario is entitled “The Lost” from Mystic Alchemy Gameworks- I bet that’s not his real name. There will always be a place in my heart for Mr. Gameworks.Fryday 31st Mork 2000The Wannabies see a flyer-CHEWSDAY 4th APRON 2000THE CARIMOR GAMESTHE TOZAR BARBARIANS LED BY CHIEF EKE THUMPVSTHE CARIMOR IMPERIAL GUARD (Except Alec, who’s wife’s run off with a travelling Holy Symbol salesman and left him looking after the kids.)BARBARISM VS CIVILISATIONISMOUR VALUE SYSTEM HANGS IN THE BALANCE.THE REIGN OF CHAOS OR THE RULE OF LAW.ICE CREAM AND CANDY FLOSS AVAILABLE.THE MODERN PENTATHALON-ARM WRESTLING.THE GOBLIN TOSS.ARCHERY.DRINKING.THE BIG LONG RUN OVER BUMPS AND JUMPS AND THAT.Due to essential cutbacks the CARIMOR IMPERIAL GUARD numbers three (minus Alec), anyone wishing to join the guard should report to Major Mina at the Carimor Imperial Barracks at 32B (top flat, knock hard) the Grimes.Printed by Guttenberg and Sons.“Mmmm. I’ve got an idea forming in my brain…”Fred lubricates the thought; a glistening trail of saliva hangs from his chin.Meanwhile not a million miles away…“Huh.”“Huh.”“What is it Bob? Are you having an idea?”The big lug Ranger passes the flyer to Endrin, who scans it quickly then takes to smiling.“Easy money… and the lay-dee-sssss.”Chewsday 4th Apron 2000Gurning for Gold.Characters taking part in eventsBob Male Human Ranger 3 Priest of Kord 1 (Emma)Cinch Male Goblin Monk 1 (Erin)Endrin Male Human Bard 4 Sorcerer 2 (Wayne)Felix Male Dwarf Deep Druid 1 Priest of Moradin 1 (Tomo)Fred Male Human Fighter 1 (Emma) Greta Goldgarth Female Elven Priest of Corellan 2 (Wayne)Jerky Timbers Female Gnome Priest of Pelor 1 (Kev.M.)Lea Female Halfling Thief 2 (Erin)Liandri Male Elf Rogue 4 Wizard 2 (Kev.M.)Mallaria Female Half-Elf Barbarian 2 Fighter 1 (Tomo)Sayon Female Elf Rogue 1 Fighter 1 (Erin)Whirlwind Male Human Fighter 2 (Wayne)Zanakand Male Dwarf Fighter 2 (Kev.M.)“I hereby declare these games going… on… started… oh just fire the bloody arrow will you.”FHWOOSH… THUD… AAARRGGH.“Sorrrrreee. I said we should have done this outside”The PIG IN A POKE Inn is playing host to the first event,“Tonight laydees and genlemen, direct to you via the magic of SCRY, I bring you the first annual CARIMOR Games.”“My name is Ham Slaad and I’ll be your genial host for the next three days.”“And so without any further ado… I can’t read that it’s too little… No… No… Next one… YEEESS ARM WRESTLING.”“We join the event at a crucial stage, TUM THUNDER, one time Battle Group Leader of the Tozar Barbarians, latterly demoted for unprofessional behaviour in the arena of death. I think we all remember that incident don’t we, it won’t be necessary to conjure up those gore infected images, remember kids- Phil Collins- JUST SAY NO.”“Versus Mallaria, the only Ex-Tozar Barbarian that’s still above ground, saving the three that tried to run away and now live nailed to Chief Eke Thump’s dining hut wall.”“We join the action right at the beginning.”“Oh lovely grimace from TUM, he’s gurning well… oh what’s this…”“You gurl Elf die.”“Everybody… IT TALKS.”Mallaria inches down her tunic and slides her foot up the calf of the now goggle-eyed TUM.“Mmmmm.”Up past his knee.“Urrrrrr.”To his thigh.“OooooooH.”Then CRUNCH.TUM folds in two, at the same moment his hand is slammed down onto the table.“WE HAVE A WINNER… EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MALLARIA- REMEMBER, LIFE’S THE DISEASE- MALLARIA’S THE CURE.”“If I could just grab a word- Mallaria. Mallaria... Do you have anything to say to your fans on SCRY.”“Everyone must die.”“Lovely… keeping it real… Would you like to say anything about your chances of reaching the final?”“Yes…”After a while.“What?”“I kill everyone.”“Thank you Mallaria, a big hand laydees and genlemen.”The competition continues apace, in the Quarter Finals the results look like this-DONK, Tozar Barbarian beats GRETA, Paladin (Wayne).EKE THUMP, Tozar Barbarian Chief beats MALLARIA, Barbarian (Tomo).LIANDRI, Rogue/Wizard (with Bull’s Strength) (Kev.M.) beats LOKI, Tozar Barbarian.FRED, Fighter (Emma) beats BOB, Ranger (Emma).Soon after the Semi-Final’s begin, although questions are being raised about the legitimacy of Liandri’s strength and parentage.LIANDRI beats DONKIn a bout that lasts under thirty seconds the huge Half-Orc is slammed into the table, nearly lifted out of his chair.“And you join us again laydees and genlemen at a crucial, and may I say, on a personal level, terrifying moment- LIANDRI, quite possibly the worst looking Elf in the forest- he hit every branch on the way down when he fell out of the ugly tree, has beaten the favourite DONK, the Tozar Barbarian. Listen to that crowd.”“FICKS, FICX, FIYX, FYIX, FICS, PHICS, PHYKS.”“The Tozar Barbarians laydees and genlemen, angry AND stupid- a deadly combination, I’m sure you’ll agree.”“Liandri… Liandri, can a have a word, Ham Slaad, SCRY SPATS, to what do you attribute that massive victory…”“I’ve been training hard over the past year or so Ham, really been putting in the hours, sometimes seven or eight times a day.”“Do you have a regime?”“No, I’ve a dirty mag from the Temple of All Conception, d’you wanna scan?”“-““What d’you do, seven or eight times a day?”“Wan…”“AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR- HOWLING AT THE MOON, SLAVERING FOR THE BLOOD OF VIRGINS- ARE YOU THE WOLFMAN?TIRED OF COMING BACK FROM THE HUNT COVERED IN THE BLOOD AND ENTRAILS OF YOUR EVISCERATED VICTIMS- THE STENCH OF DEATH ALWAYS IN YOUR MANE.TRY NEW “APRES CARNAGE” THE LATEST FRAGRANCE FOR WEREMEN.“I smell great NOWOOOOOOOWWWOOOOWWWOOOOo.”If you want to meet the IT Girl then Apres Carnage will make you the Where Man.Warning may contain Paladins.The second semi only makes things worse.FRED beats EKE THUMPWouldn’t you know it kicks off…An hour later.“I’mn Hamn Slaa’Nd and ththis isth ththe FiNNnal, LiaNdrI, oh that HurrrTsth ta Tshay Versusth FrWeD. ThnanK Ynew. Ow. Cayn I Hav mI TeeF BaKk Now.”LIANDRI VS. FRED“You don’t stand a chance Fred, my mighty magics are more than a match for your seriously hugely muscled… Pelor they’re enormous, what’ve you been eating? Barbarians? Anyway, no matter…”“Take the strain… after three Gentlemen.”“You cannot hope to win…”“ONE…”“My magic will rule the day…”“TWO…”“I will crush you like the fly you…“THREE- WE HAVE A WINNER.”“FECK, FECK, Feck, bloody spell durations.”“THE WINNER OF THE FIRST EVENT AND CARIMOR GAMES CHAMPION SO FAR… FFFFFFRRRRRRREEEEEEDDDDDDD.”The place goes wild- actually he’s a popular winner, unassuming, not too bright, even the Tozar Barbarians are placated- he’s dense enough, he could be one of them.”“Fred, FRED, FRED, Ham Slaad…”“I’ve eaten Thank yew.”“No, that’s my name. How do you feel?”“With my hands, No. Like this…”Fred rubs his belly and pats his head- at the same time.“I meant, how do you feel right now- after your fantastic victory, over… well a cheat.”“I feel a little dizzy…”“The excitement?”“No, new undies.”“Anything else?”“Over the moon.”Fred looks up, a few seconds later he realises he can’t see the moon as it is hidden by the ceiling, and the other floor above.“RIGHT. Well then… FRED. And now to fin…”“Can I just say hello to someone?”“Yeah sure. Go ahead champ.”Fred turns away from Slaad and begins to wave at Lea at the bar, “Hello.”Then walks off.“THE CARIMOR GAMES. EVERYONE. GO WILD. FOR IT.”“Tomorrow… <BIG SIGH> MUCH more…”THE CARIMOR GAMES BROUGHT TO YOU BY SCRY SPATS- BRINGING YOU ALL THE ACTION, TOMORROW NIGHT AT EIGHT “I SLEPT WITH MY MASTERS CONCUBINE”, FAMILIARS THAT GET A LITTLE TOO FAMILIAR…Woodnesday 5th Apron 2000Fly Goblin, fly.The Goblin Toss begins-On a sour note- DING, Half-Orc Tozar barbarian badly misjudges his throw and sends the screaming Goblin straight up in the air…THUMPAnd straight back down again, the Goblin alas is killed, Ding meanwhile retires with a migraine.LOMAS, one of the two Imperial Guardsmen, is way ahead with a throw of 23 Goblin Lengths. The tension is palpable; the Tozar barbarians eat spice cakes and play Travel Scrabble (46 U’s and an R, the G’s gone missing).“I’m Ham Slaad and you’re watching SCRY SPLATS, the final throw in the Goblin Toss… the crowd falls silent…”“UR.”“… you can cut the atmosphere with a two-handed sword.”“UUR.”“The final competitor takes his position.”“UUUR.”“Just Bob to throw.”“UUUUR.”“Making sure he hasn’t got too much blood on his hands… although I say you can never have TOO much blood on your hands…”“UUUUUR.”“He begins his spin.”“UUUUUUR. Triple word score.”“One revolution.”“UR.”“Two.”“CLEVER. SIDEY WAYS ON. THINKIN’.”“Three.”“ME CHANGE THREE TILES.” “There it goes laydees and genlemen.”“UUR.”“It’s flying.”“CHEAT, UUR NOT WORD, IT SOUND.”“Flying.”“STOOPID BARBEAR… BARBUR… STOOPID.”“It’s a long one.”“WE BREEV UUR.”“It’s coming down.”“I FORT THERE WAZ ANUVER U IN UUUR?”“It’s landed. It’s a long one… but surely not long enough.”“STOOPID, UUUR IS ON YOR ED.”“They’re measuring up… It’s still going to be short.”“I THOUGHT THAT WAS UUUUR?”“No, it’s going to be too short. But what’s this…”“STOOPID, UUUUR IS WEN YOU REFERS TO A LAYDEE, LIKE- UUUUR, OVA DERRR.”“The Goblins up… it’s not dead…”“I FORT DAT WAS UUUUUR?”“It’s running.”Chief Eke, the smarter of the two Travel Scrabble players, gets up, draws his bow, and lets an arrow fly- all in one swift action.”WHOOSH THUNK.“A direct hit laydees and genlemen- the Goblin’s down, at 23 Goblin Lengths- we have a tie.”“STOOPID, TOE UUUUUR IS UUMAN.”“SORRY.”“NO WORRY, IT COMPLEE… COMPLEED… COMPLYKAYTED.”“YOU SED A MOWTHFULL.”“UM. SLEEP NOW.”Meanwhile Lomas beats Bob in the throw-off. Sayon (Erin) comes in third.THE OVERALL POINTS CHAMPION AFTER TWO EVENTS IS BOBLater the same existence…“You join me now in what once was the idyllic village green of Carimor… now a scene of devastation. Already losing by a considerable margin the Tozar barbarians went off the deep end when Eke Thump, the tribal chief, came a cropper in the mounted archery. First the results from the normal… er standing… shooting, I mean archery… damn.”“The prize for the er… standing… erm archery, a beautiful Masterwork Longbow went to Lea, the shor… sorry untall Halfling. The bullseye, which has never been struck before- it being only two smidgins in diameter- about the size of a pea, was hit not once, but twice by the plucky… d’ya get it, Halfling. Lea had this to say shortly after the moment of her victory…”“I can’t reach?”“Special. Then the terrible events of what seems like not long ago, but was in fact just now…”“As you can see on the SCRY CAM REPLAY, Chief Eke Thump begins his final charge- only needing to score a point to beat the smug looking Liandri, that’s him in the background folks.”“Then. This happened, look away if you are of a nervous disposition, or are an animal lover- not in the strictest sense of the words… I think you know what I mean.”Eke spurs his horse on towards the target and the shooting line, a perfect combination of man and beast, oh alright- beast and beast working in unison.“Here it is listen closely…”“PHATTY.”“That’s the point when magicians within the gathered crowd detected the use of magicness, later identified as a Ghost Sound spell, originating from somewhere behind and to the left of the Chief, somewhere near the grassy Gnoll. The grassy Gnoll, with very Elven features- incredibly ugly Elven features, but Elven features nevertheless.”“Zapruda, the Gnomish Savant postulated that this figure was in fact Liandri cleverly disguised as a grassy Gnoll- if you look carefully you can see the Bulrushes sticking out of his pants.”“Then this happened. Roll VT.”Eke, startled, turns swiftly behind, as the horse bows its head to allow the Chief to gain a clear line of sight. Eke loses his balance, badly, and is catapulted over the horses head- he fires his arrow. It strikes home. Killing the horse instantly.The horse ploughs on into the Chief- specifically Eke’s face.CRUNCH.The huge human barbarian slumps to the floor, his head hitting the dirt in slo-mo, then lies still.For exactly one second.He raises himself up, shakes his head, looks in the general direction of the grassy Gnoll and screams the feared Tozar barbarian battle cry-<CENSORED> ‘em.“Needless to say death and destruction followed- innocent lives lost, for what… nothing. Let’s ask Chief Eke- Chief, ah I see an Axe. Chief er, it is a big Axe isn’t it? Chief- do you have anything to say to the loved ones of those that met their maker, or to be precise, their unmaker- this afternoon? Chief?”“I… UUUUUR.”“You heard it here first on SCRY SPATS, or should that be SPLATS… you’ve gotta laugh or else you’ll die.”“And so Liandri wins the Mounted Archery, and by my reckoning the cheeky Elf with a face like a bulldog stung by a wasp is the overall points winner so far with one event left today- the DRINKING. Oh you’ve gotta admire the gumption of the young… No Chief… ChIEf… No please- not the face. Till… Oh my Pelor… Next… Aaaargghh aaarrrgghhh NOOOOOOO Argh Argh… TurnARRRRRGGGHHHHHH.And so endeth Turn 37.Next Turn… A Quiet Pint.</blockquote>

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