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Message: <blockquote data-quote="WayneLigon" data-source="post: 2164315" data-attributes="member: 3649">Top Ten Worst Jobs in D&D 10. Dwarf Beard Comber -- All dwarves have huge beards, and huge beards get things stuck in them. Soup. Blood. Lice. Your job is to clean all that out, comb and braid the beard, and occassionally give it a trim. 09. Darkwood Curer -- Darkwood has to be processed before becoming the wonder material adventurers know and love. The actual process is an alchemical secret but we know it involves a vat of motor-oil-like dwarf urine and your feet, for about 36 straight hours. 08. Kobold Baby Monitor -- You have an amulet of Detect Evil. Your job is to place it on the head of each baby humanoid (the term 'kobold' just means the first baby humanoids low level adventurers are likely to encounter) to determine if it is capable of growing up to deliver packages and sweep gutters or if it will become part of a hoarde that thirsts for the destruction of the Empire of Man. If it glows, step aside quickly as the adventurer kills the baby. Many baby monitors are injured each year by overzealous swordsmen. Don't become a statistic. 07. Pixie Dust Grinder -- Mages need vast quantities of material components and one of these is pixie dust. Most grinders work in small dark rooms surroundde by the dried bodies of pixies, which they grind into a fine powder and pour into paper packets. 50% of all grinders develop 'Grinder's Lung' from the magical dust and perish within a year. 06. It involves dragon urine, an ear spoon and metal pants. Other than that, we can't tell you. 05. Elvish Lice Picker -- Elves are indeed the beautiful people but they have a tragic racial secret. Ear mites. Ear mites as big as your thumb. Your job is to use this wooden pick and gently pry out the ear mite, then crush it before it can jump to a new host. That being you. And since humans don't have the right kind of ears, the mite scuttles for the only thing big enough to accomodate it. Yes, that's right. Lice Pickers at least get to eat the leavings from elvish banquets, which can be good. 04. Hell Hound Tamer -- Hell Hounds are the number three favorite animal employed as a guard by evil minions, so there is a lot of call for people that can handle these incarnations of canine evil. Quick reflexes and asbestos gloves are a nessesity. Tragically most Hell Hound Tamers die of asbestos poisoning. 03. Ogre Groomer -- Ogres are famous for their tough skin and wirey hair, but some still need to look their best when serving as shock troops or the occassional executioner. Your job is to use this wooden rake and some baby oil to scrape down the ogre and rid it of unsightly parasites, boils, and stains. A side benefit is that the natural body oils produced by portions of the ogre anatomy are useful to the perfume industry, so you can make some side coin with a blotter and some patience. 02. Troll Skinner -- Troll skin has a myriad of uses, magical and mundane. Your job is to go to the mage shop basement every day where they have a troll chained to the wall. Use your cheese grater to gather five pounds of skin by the end of your 16-hour working day. Don't get bitten. And the #1 worst job in D&D... 01. Orc De-bloater -- Massive battles involving thousands of orcs are a common sight in some realms. After the Forces of Good have vanquished the Dark Hoarde and all the swordsmen and wizards are up at the castle eating boar and swigging ale, you have to go out to that massive blood-churned battlefield a couple days later after things have had time to ripen and strategically scewer the orc corpses so that the people who come after you to strip the armor and weapons from them don't get splattered by the occassional gas explosion. Your equipment: a metal fork and some oilskin to wrap your head in. Do a good job and you won't have to eat lunch out there.</blockquote>

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