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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Zhaneel" data-source="post: 1626793" data-attributes="member: 15829">Late commentary:MacBethI liked it as it stands, without an ending line.  I dunno.  I'm weird.  The idea of hitting a damn to get a truly epic flood would have been much cooler.  I totally agree with the judges on this one.  I loved the use of masks [though the timeline was off as mythago said] and I loved the use of hands.  However, I felt both the Lizard pic & the phone booth pics were afterthoughts.  They were things that just happened to stand out to the narrator, and only because (IMO) you had to work them into the story.  I loved the use of the repetitive "blah & blah in Las Vegas" but felt you could have kept the tempo if you'd used San Francisco [where they nominally lived] instead of Las Vegas.  Btw: The man-ape reference about a piece of art.  Was that an incredibly subtle jibe at Morpheus, as that is his tag line?  Or just random coincidence?MorpheusI loved that you set this in a specific gaming world.  Good on you for staying true the birthplace and the boards.  I'm with several people on the mish-mash of styles.  It really jarred me with the flipping back and forth.  I wanted to hear West describe what happened, in his own words.  Though, the fact that he was supposed to be wheezing & stuttering & talking through a burn didn't come across and I think that is unfortunate.  You could make this work in report form by having the transcript with indents and NOTES from the interviewing Colonel.  Decent use of hands & masks, but I think you could have really extrapolated on those.  For Masks, have West remember stuff as we go through.  Maybe have him see more than one of them in the boxes?  And, as for hands, show that ALL of the boxes were filled with rotting corpses.  Major gross-out factor.  And the throw-away use of Phone Booth & Lizards was just that: Throw-away.  I've been dinged on throw-away use before and it is a real bear.  I would really like to know how West got out, or if they are studying him because the Bloated Woman got into him.  I would say that this is a great intro to a campaign/scenario for some PCs, with some tweaks.Both great stories and I hope that Morpheus competes again!Zhaneel</blockquote>

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