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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 1634106" data-attributes="member: 225">Noskov: I don't really know what to think of this story. I like the idea, but somehow it didn't click with me (yes, I would be a great editor. Kidding! <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile&nbsp; &nbsp; :)"&nbsp; data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />) I think something about it lies in the flashback part of the story. When writing in first person, you really have the chance to characterize your hero in the way he describes things. Look at &quot;the Arranger&quot; by Piratecat for a good example of it (but many of the stories here will do). The flashback just falls flat for me because, other than his explicit thoughts (&quot;poor Lonnie&quot;), we don't really know how he perceives things. What did it feel like when he slashed open his brother? What kind of noise did the can opener make when it entered his father's eye? Was it icky, delightful? Is he a sadist, or does he dislike the voilence he dishes out, but caught in his anger, deems it necessary? Does he break down after murdering, or does he relish in his actions?I alos would have liked to have a small conversation between Lonnie and his brother. Maybe Lonnie rushing up to him to embrace him, and how the main character reacts to it?Imo picture use was o.k. The fact that he descends before being sentenced to his penance is a nice touch. The shark could have been excised without much ado, I think. I can't really comment on the &quot;face-pic&quot; because I know where it's from, and that likely changes my perception.A good story, but it could be even better, if only you wouldn't have had to write it in 72 hours. As Zhaneel said, that's the fate of Ceramic DM entries.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 1634106, member: 225"] Noskov: I don't really know what to think of this story. I like the idea, but somehow it didn't click with me (yes, I would be a great editor. Kidding! :)) I think something about it lies in the flashback part of the story. When writing in first person, you really have the chance to characterize your hero in the way he describes things. Look at "the Arranger" by Piratecat for a good example of it (but many of the stories here will do). The flashback just falls flat for me because, other than his explicit thoughts ("poor Lonnie"), we don't really know how he perceives things. What did it feel like when he slashed open his brother? What kind of noise did the can opener make when it entered his father's eye? Was it icky, delightful? Is he a sadist, or does he dislike the voilence he dishes out, but caught in his anger, deems it necessary? Does he break down after murdering, or does he relish in his actions? I alos would have liked to have a small conversation between Lonnie and his brother. Maybe Lonnie rushing up to him to embrace him, and how the main character reacts to it? Imo picture use was o.k. The fact that he descends before being sentenced to his penance is a nice touch. The shark could have been excised without much ado, I think. I can't really comment on the "face-pic" because I know where it's from, and that likely changes my perception. A good story, but it could be even better, if only you wouldn't have had to write it in 72 hours. As Zhaneel said, that's the fate of Ceramic DM entries. [/QUOTE]

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