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Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 1662383" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>What does living in an apartment have to do with it? <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>So, I read the story, and I have to say one thing up front against the readability of message board posts. Because you have to put a break between every paragraph, switchting to a different place/time between paragraphs doesn't work so well. Case in point:</p><p></p><p>I really tend to read onward as if no line break had happened, and after reading the first one/two sentences, my mind cathced up to the fact that something isn't right <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Anyway, to the story. I liked it, but I feel it could have been a lot better. You said you really felt the time pressure, and I think it shows. At the beginning, you sometimes fall back on telling instead of showing (like I can honestly reprimand you for it, yet still I do <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />):</p><p></p><p></p><p>Why not simply "he would not get rid of the burden and fail." or "This was the chance he'd been waiting for, the chance to show that he was the best, once and for all"?</p><p></p><p>Also, some things feel rushed, like the appearance of the dracolich:</p><p></p><p>"It was a skeletal dragon..." seems so matter-of-factly. I think you should either let the reader in on the mundanity of skeletal dragons for Jack Lopt, or you should heighten the tension a little more. As I said, I think this is the time constarint showing.</p><p></p><p>I liked the idea of the story, that the norse gods still walked among us; if they did, Loki would surely be like Jack Lopt <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> Stealing Mimir was a cool idea for that pic, I mean I would be worried about my undead slaves playing soccer with the head, too. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> I really liked the mytholodical nudges, even though I am sure I didn't get them all (not being *that* familiar with norse mythology - but hey, I saw <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094238/" target="_blank">Valhalla</a>).</p><p>What I also somewhat missed was the realization of Loki as to what/who he is. Hel greets him as "cousin", but it doesn't seem like he's confused/worried by it. The quick ending is fine, I think, especially in a competition like this one.</p><p>The pics:</p><p>We begin with the one I also thought was used before, even though it wasn't, the Survivors hanging on their whatever-it-is-called. It's interesting that both of you burnt the contraption and not had the fire signaling something, even though burning a phylactery and burning a wounded man is somewhat different. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> I like the picture use, but as with carpedavid, I think it could have been improved by using it at the end, when the reader knows what's in the float.</p><p>The skyscraper pic was well-used, though I would have liked for it to be drawn out a little more, winds tearing at Jack, the glass-cutter trembling in his fingers, etc. Of course, that's armchair directing, so I thought it was used alright. (btw, I had to preview my story three fricking times because damn word messed up the links. Until I'd found out what had happened, I was pulling my hair out.)</p><p>The face is, I think, your strongest pic. It is used very, very well, and of course it is central to the whole story. And finally, it talks! <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> Btw, that pic is really, really strange! Is that Sialia's?</p><p>The kite. I liked it, especially since it tied in with the necromancer and the dracolich later on. First a little shadow, then a big scary lizard <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f600.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":D" title="Big grin :D" data-smilie="8"data-shortname=":D" /></p><p>I've already mentioned the dracolich above, and commented on the pic in carpedavid's turn. Is that pic from Sialia? Anyway, the dracolich is a very important part of your story, the final hurdle before Loki gets back "home" (as much as he regards it as his home, anyway), and so the pic is used efficiently. It's not as strong as the face, but that's a hard nut to crack, anyway <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Overall, I liked your story, and I really like the idea, but I think with a few hours or even a few days more, this could have been much better even. Anyway, thanks for it, I enjoyed it despite all my previous criticism.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 1662383, member: 225"] What does living in an apartment have to do with it? :) So, I read the story, and I have to say one thing up front against the readability of message board posts. Because you have to put a break between every paragraph, switchting to a different place/time between paragraphs doesn't work so well. Case in point: I really tend to read onward as if no line break had happened, and after reading the first one/two sentences, my mind cathced up to the fact that something isn't right :) Anyway, to the story. I liked it, but I feel it could have been a lot better. You said you really felt the time pressure, and I think it shows. At the beginning, you sometimes fall back on telling instead of showing (like I can honestly reprimand you for it, yet still I do :)): Why not simply "he would not get rid of the burden and fail." or "This was the chance he'd been waiting for, the chance to show that he was the best, once and for all"? Also, some things feel rushed, like the appearance of the dracolich: "It was a skeletal dragon..." seems so matter-of-factly. I think you should either let the reader in on the mundanity of skeletal dragons for Jack Lopt, or you should heighten the tension a little more. As I said, I think this is the time constarint showing. I liked the idea of the story, that the norse gods still walked among us; if they did, Loki would surely be like Jack Lopt :) Stealing Mimir was a cool idea for that pic, I mean I would be worried about my undead slaves playing soccer with the head, too. :) I really liked the mytholodical nudges, even though I am sure I didn't get them all (not being *that* familiar with norse mythology - but hey, I saw [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094238/]Valhalla[/url]). What I also somewhat missed was the realization of Loki as to what/who he is. Hel greets him as "cousin", but it doesn't seem like he's confused/worried by it. The quick ending is fine, I think, especially in a competition like this one. The pics: We begin with the one I also thought was used before, even though it wasn't, the Survivors hanging on their whatever-it-is-called. It's interesting that both of you burnt the contraption and not had the fire signaling something, even though burning a phylactery and burning a wounded man is somewhat different. :) I like the picture use, but as with carpedavid, I think it could have been improved by using it at the end, when the reader knows what's in the float. The skyscraper pic was well-used, though I would have liked for it to be drawn out a little more, winds tearing at Jack, the glass-cutter trembling in his fingers, etc. Of course, that's armchair directing, so I thought it was used alright. (btw, I had to preview my story three fricking times because damn word messed up the links. Until I'd found out what had happened, I was pulling my hair out.) The face is, I think, your strongest pic. It is used very, very well, and of course it is central to the whole story. And finally, it talks! :) Btw, that pic is really, really strange! Is that Sialia's? The kite. I liked it, especially since it tied in with the necromancer and the dracolich later on. First a little shadow, then a big scary lizard :D I've already mentioned the dracolich above, and commented on the pic in carpedavid's turn. Is that pic from Sialia? Anyway, the dracolich is a very important part of your story, the final hurdle before Loki gets back "home" (as much as he regards it as his home, anyway), and so the pic is used efficiently. It's not as strong as the face, but that's a hard nut to crack, anyway :) Overall, I liked your story, and I really like the idea, but I think with a few hours or even a few days more, this could have been much better even. Anyway, thanks for it, I enjoyed it despite all my previous criticism. [/QUOTE]
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