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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 1719179" data-attributes="member: 225">So... the final story I'll tackle - for this tournament <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />orchid blossom: The Puppet Master (Mistress?)First of all, I don't know how you manage to keep your story so short and yet so full of information. It seems I'm more prone to rambling <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />It's interesting that we both have our protagonists change into the "orc", and it's interesting both changes are involuntary. We really didn't want to use the orc as is, did we? <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />I liked your story quite a lot, I must admit. The humor of it was very entertaining. I didn't really get what happened to Nigel at the end strictly by reading the story. I *think* he was dominated by Sophia, no I know he was dominated, but still it somehow wasn't clear to me.I'm also not sure about the final sentence. "Another for the lady" doesn't seem to fit fully into the situation. As it stands, it reads as if Sophia was known as "the Lady" somehow (like a nickname). Perhaps the nanny means the girl shall pay Sophia a coin, as well, but if so, that wasn't clear. It works, but it also reads as if you consciously tried to frame your story. I don't know; perhaps it could have profited from an extra sentence somewhere.I liked that you foreshadowed the end not only with the title of the story, but also with Sophia's outburst at Nigel's hideout, and that it was in character for Nigel to not get it <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> That was cool.The pictures:Sorcerer: Now, I don't know why alis2ho didn't call this pic "sorceress", but he's gotta answer that himself <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> I also don't really know what that girl is holding - does the black sponge come out of her ring, or am I blind? Still, Sophia was fairly important for the story, of course. I liked that you used the pic not in the brothel, when it wouldn't have fit as well.Orc: That is a huge orc, but he's gonna starve, for there's no way he's gonna close his mouth enough to eat <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /> As I said, we both have our "heroes" (mine isn't, and yours isn't really, as well) turn into the orc. You might have pushed the funny in his discovery of the change, but then the story would have drifted too much into comedy to work with its chilling end, I think.treasure: You made the pic important by focusing on the skull (other than it being a treasure). I think that's a good choice, as I had the problem of introducing it and keeping it in the story. Of course, the treasure is also Nigel's primary motivation for stepping into Sophia's trap. You might have made it more clear that she needs the skull for her spell, because why didn't she dominate him in the brothel otherways? Or did she want to be sure?fighter: A noble knight to the rescue! He's duped in your story, and a villain in mine - probably another similarity caused by "don't take the pic as it is!" <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f609.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=";)" title="Wink    ;)"  data-smilie="2"data-shortname=";)" /> But who is he, and what happens to him afterwards? He's just gone.cleric: While we're at it? What happens to Darien? He's tackled to the ground, and then Nigel rushes off, but Darien doesn't. Doesn't the cleric find it strange when Nigel returns tumbling for Sophia? Perhaps he should have died in the attack.rogue: Finally, we see Nigel. I held off the pic of my protagonist till the end, as well, and I think it works here well. Nigel really gets what's coming to him; he's not only a (somewhat) immoral thief, but he's not the brightest torch in the signal fire, either. Never catch something a wizard throws at you <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f600.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":D" title="Big grin    :D"  data-smilie="8"data-shortname=":D" />In the end, I enjoyed your story, and your writing, as always, but I can't help but feel that you could have done even better. Still, as you know, I can't judge my own story until the Winter tourney has passed (and I don't think my story is quite as effective as I had hoped), so I'm reasonably confident you'll at least give me a run for my money, if not oust me completely <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)"  data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" />Good luck, anyways, and I hope you're not in any way mad at me for my poems. It was all meant in jest.</blockquote>

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