Updated: A Short Story, Please Critique
- Thread starter Wystan
- Start date
RangerWickett
Legend
Well, it'll never be published, but it's an amusing read.
There's a hint of interesting characterization, but the story's really too short to make the end feel gratifying. It's more like an anecdote than a story, especially since there's no real conflict. True, the narrator has a hard time figuring out how to create his scroll, but he was just doing it for study. There's no tension. He doesn't need the scroll to solve some pressing mystery, and it's not like he would give up on magic entirely if he couldn't make the scroll work.
So it has an interesting concept, but it doesn't really work as a story. This is a bit of a trite suggestion, but I'll take a quote from my rejection letter when I submitted to the Eberron War-Torn contest. The key things you need in a story are the three C's: "Character, Conflict, and Climax."
Make sure the character is interesting, that he has some sort of conflict, and that the end of the story is a climax, as opposed to just an end.
There's a hint of interesting characterization, but the story's really too short to make the end feel gratifying. It's more like an anecdote than a story, especially since there's no real conflict. True, the narrator has a hard time figuring out how to create his scroll, but he was just doing it for study. There's no tension. He doesn't need the scroll to solve some pressing mystery, and it's not like he would give up on magic entirely if he couldn't make the scroll work.
So it has an interesting concept, but it doesn't really work as a story. This is a bit of a trite suggestion, but I'll take a quote from my rejection letter when I submitted to the Eberron War-Torn contest. The key things you need in a story are the three C's: "Character, Conflict, and Climax."
Make sure the character is interesting, that he has some sort of conflict, and that the end of the story is a climax, as opposed to just an end.
An Update
Creation. A very important word that. It is a word that drives men to desire to be gods, and causes patient men to kill. This is a power that I sought. This is a power that I needed. I would be a creator. I would be like unto a god.
Now, a lot of men are mere creators, but I desired to be a creator of awe and wonders. My first magical creation was a minor thing, a scroll. But it is a thing that I still own to this day and treasure for the day that it is required. I spent long hours studying to determine the best inks and special oils and unguents to mix to make the ink that I would require. I then spent further months to discover the correct quill and parchment types to use. The scroll is a minor toy that is not of great use. However the items that I used made it all the more special to me, it is my scroll of Identify.
I knew starting out that I required a pearl. Now this is not just any pearl, but a large pearl of value. This item alone would nearly break me, and I knew that I would have to find the perfect pearl to use. I spent days browsing the bazaars and the local gem seller. I went to the gypsies and to the head of my guild. I looked and looked but the finding appeared to be the hard part. There were no pearls to be had. In despair I tried of the most unlikely avenue of research, I went to a local wealthy widow and promised to assist her 1 day a week for 2 months if she could locate a Pearl of quality and value such as I sought.
I spent more fruitless time in the bazaar and was almost at the end of my rope when I received a missive from the widow. She let me know that at a recent estate auction she had located and purchased a fine lot of jewelry. She said that there were a few pearls and that I should have first look and choice of the items. When I was able to break from my studies that day I went straight away to her house and requested to see the pearls that she had acquired.
The widow took me to a room with a small table; on that table was a tray with 5 pearls and also 2 rubies. While examining them I saw that they all appeared to be too small and not of the quality that I required. The widow saw my distress and inquired what the issue was. I let her know that none of them were of the right size for the application. She laughed and asked if I had yet opened the bag on the side of the tray. When I looked I saw that there was a small bag that appeared to have a few items in it. These turned out to be a necklace with moderate sized pearls and a ring with a pearl that caused my eyes to widen and my mouth to spontaneously smile. It was the pearl that I needed.
The only problem was it was set into a ring that would raise the price. When I asked the widow the price she stated that she would let me have it for 90 Gold and the promised 2 months service. I paid her the following day and was able to start the actual research.
The studies told me that the eye that sees truest is that of a child. I could not take the eye of a child so I studied more and determined that the tear of a truthful child holds similar power. This was a good start, but the tear of a truthful child alone is not the best ink. I then heard that the willing blood of a Paladin is also a great truth teller. So I drove myself to collect the tear and the blood and then added the powder of a small magnifying lens to help me see clearly. This mixed well with purified ink from a master ink maker to make a fluid that can be used.
Now to the quill, after researching this I was able to find notes that showed me that the two best quills would be feather from a Pegasus or a brush of unicorn tail hairs. Both of these would be almost prohibitive if they were not something that I could use again. I did try to search them out as I thought they would prove re-usable. But I was unable to locate them; there were no sellers for items such as this. I went back to my studies and was about to give up and use a mundane quill and hope for the best when I was able to locate a tale of a mage that used the hair of a cleric of the god of truth. This I could acquire and determined to do so. At the market fair the next week I visited the temple and paid the priest 5 silver for a lock of his hair. When I explained why I needed it he was more than willing to part with it for the fee I offered. He said that his temple could use the funds as well and hair was a replenishing resource.
The last piece that I required was a viable parchment. How was I to determine what was a viable parchment? Further studies provided no assistance and I feared that I was on my own in this regard. My thoughts flowed back to the temple that I had visited and an epiphany occurred. I would ask the priest to wet a parchment with his holy water and offer him 5 more of my precious silver to do so. I was able to ask and have the request honored on the very next day.
I then proceeded to seclude myself and start the process of creation. That morning I resolved to memorize the spell in question and keep it at the front of my knowledge. The process of actual creation involved burning incense that would assist me in clearing my mind. I also powdered a lone platinum piece and proceeded to mix that with the ink I would be using to add a value to the ink that would assist in determining the magical value of the item to be so scryed. The process itself took me a disproportionately short amount of time when I considered how much research I had put into it. But in the end I had created a scroll of Identify and it was a thing of Beauty.
I was a creator.
An Ode to Creation
William Curtis 05/04/05
Creation. A very important word that. It is a word that drives men to desire to be gods, and causes patient men to kill. This is a power that I sought. This is a power that I needed. I would be a creator. I would be like unto a god.
Now, a lot of men are mere creators, but I desired to be a creator of awe and wonders. My first magical creation was a minor thing, a scroll. But it is a thing that I still own to this day and treasure for the day that it is required. I spent long hours studying to determine the best inks and special oils and unguents to mix to make the ink that I would require. I then spent further months to discover the correct quill and parchment types to use. The scroll is a minor toy that is not of great use. However the items that I used made it all the more special to me, it is my scroll of Identify.
I knew starting out that I required a pearl. Now this is not just any pearl, but a large pearl of value. This item alone would nearly break me, and I knew that I would have to find the perfect pearl to use. I spent days browsing the bazaars and the local gem seller. I went to the gypsies and to the head of my guild. I looked and looked but the finding appeared to be the hard part. There were no pearls to be had. In despair I tried of the most unlikely avenue of research, I went to a local wealthy widow and promised to assist her 1 day a week for 2 months if she could locate a Pearl of quality and value such as I sought.
I spent more fruitless time in the bazaar and was almost at the end of my rope when I received a missive from the widow. She let me know that at a recent estate auction she had located and purchased a fine lot of jewelry. She said that there were a few pearls and that I should have first look and choice of the items. When I was able to break from my studies that day I went straight away to her house and requested to see the pearls that she had acquired.
The widow took me to a room with a small table; on that table was a tray with 5 pearls and also 2 rubies. While examining them I saw that they all appeared to be too small and not of the quality that I required. The widow saw my distress and inquired what the issue was. I let her know that none of them were of the right size for the application. She laughed and asked if I had yet opened the bag on the side of the tray. When I looked I saw that there was a small bag that appeared to have a few items in it. These turned out to be a necklace with moderate sized pearls and a ring with a pearl that caused my eyes to widen and my mouth to spontaneously smile. It was the pearl that I needed.
The only problem was it was set into a ring that would raise the price. When I asked the widow the price she stated that she would let me have it for 90 Gold and the promised 2 months service. I paid her the following day and was able to start the actual research.
The studies told me that the eye that sees truest is that of a child. I could not take the eye of a child so I studied more and determined that the tear of a truthful child holds similar power. This was a good start, but the tear of a truthful child alone is not the best ink. I then heard that the willing blood of a Paladin is also a great truth teller. So I drove myself to collect the tear and the blood and then added the powder of a small magnifying lens to help me see clearly. This mixed well with purified ink from a master ink maker to make a fluid that can be used.
Now to the quill, after researching this I was able to find notes that showed me that the two best quills would be feather from a Pegasus or a brush of unicorn tail hairs. Both of these would be almost prohibitive if they were not something that I could use again. I did try to search them out as I thought they would prove re-usable. But I was unable to locate them; there were no sellers for items such as this. I went back to my studies and was about to give up and use a mundane quill and hope for the best when I was able to locate a tale of a mage that used the hair of a cleric of the god of truth. This I could acquire and determined to do so. At the market fair the next week I visited the temple and paid the priest 5 silver for a lock of his hair. When I explained why I needed it he was more than willing to part with it for the fee I offered. He said that his temple could use the funds as well and hair was a replenishing resource.
The last piece that I required was a viable parchment. How was I to determine what was a viable parchment? Further studies provided no assistance and I feared that I was on my own in this regard. My thoughts flowed back to the temple that I had visited and an epiphany occurred. I would ask the priest to wet a parchment with his holy water and offer him 5 more of my precious silver to do so. I was able to ask and have the request honored on the very next day.
I then proceeded to seclude myself and start the process of creation. That morning I resolved to memorize the spell in question and keep it at the front of my knowledge. The process of actual creation involved burning incense that would assist me in clearing my mind. I also powdered a lone platinum piece and proceeded to mix that with the ink I would be using to add a value to the ink that would assist in determining the magical value of the item to be so scryed. The process itself took me a disproportionately short amount of time when I considered how much research I had put into it. But in the end I had created a scroll of Identify and it was a thing of Beauty.
I was a creator.
