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Message: <blockquote data-quote="billd91" data-source="post: 1719251" data-attributes="member: 3400">Good plan. Get a job that'll help pay your room and board and move out of her mother's place. Even if it's just down the street or off in the dorms. Set up boundaries and enforce them. That doesn't mean you can't go over to "Mom's" for Sunday dinner or high tea every week. It sounds like she's a nice woman even if her daughter is a bit on the blatantly careless side. Having that contact isn't a bad thing.College is good but solid plans are not pointless. Get rid of that notion. That's part of being an adult, especially if you eventually do settle down with this woman and her kid.Keep that ticket as long as you can. If no job prospects arise and college isn't going that well, it's your exit out of there. I'm not saying you should definitely bolt, but reassess in November how college there is going (it's quite different from here), how things are going picking up a new social network, and job life.You know what? Since she's used you as a doormat and gotten hitched up with some other joker, all bets are off. She should start over, with competition from whatever other social group you get into, to try to gain your trust and affection. Set up boundaries, emotional and physical, that she has to overcome to get to you. Set up your own personal space and start over.That's irrelevant. She knew and hid it from you. She might have been ashamed, sure, but who's she with now? It's not you. How ashamed can she be of that relationship? How serious can she be about you?Oh no. No no no. This works for some people but don't bet on it. As a single father friend of mine says, after a WHOOPS incident in college that left him with a son, his son was the best thing that ever happened to him, and the worst. If she changes because of the kid, exactly how she turns out won't be easily predictable. She might want to stick with the kid's father out of some sense of responsibility to keep the two of them together. She might go back to you, but still have this guy around as the natural father (nothing like reopening that wound constantly, right?). Or she might not change much at all, meaning that kid will probably grow up as a messed up soccer hooligan or worse because of having a messed up parent. Do not rely on that child to be the stable thing in her life. It's absolutely helpless for many years and can't do anything to keep her stable. Depending on her, it could well do the opposite. That's one reason you're well off getting out of her mother's house. She might have to rely on mom, or maybe if she's not coping, you should push the mother to take a more active roll as best she can for the baby's sake.It's also another reason for you to keep up some emotional boundaries around her. She may need friends and it may be a chance for you to repay some of the friendship she offered you when you were down. Keep it at that level as long as you can, as best you can assuming you stay in the area. And keep in mind that you've got your own life, not hers and not the life you thought you had ahead of you when you moved to Wales.</blockquote>

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