sniffles
First Post
A group of friends of mine recently got their hands on the "other" film adaptation of 'War of the Worlds' and viewed it - or at least parts of it, since they couldn't stand to watch the whole thing. This review is by my friend Anthony Pryor, whose name some people may recognize from some of White Wolf's recent products. I found it so entertaining I had to share (with Anthony's permission):
*Scientific Documentary Reveals Martians Actually Flat and Kind of
Stupid-Looking*
A recent documentary titled "War of the Worlds" revealed new information
about the inhabitants of the planet Mars. Rather than horrifying,
bear-sized tentacled monstrosities with vastly huge brains utterly
lacking in mercy and compassion, the Martians were shown resemble
low-resolution octopoidal CGI creatures, somewhat resembling a cross
between Spongebob Squarepants and his two best friends, Patrick the
Starfish and Squidward the Squid. In addition, these fearsome creatures
are actually largely two-dimensional, and look utterly unrealistic when
standing beside low-paid movie extras in cast-off Victorian clothing.
"Perhaps," speculated the famous astronomer Ogilvie, before his tragic
demise (see below), "this is due to the differing climatic conditions on
the Red Planet. Upon this fearsome orb, which upon occasion is known to
boast bizarre striations of a most unfathomable nature, associated with
a most extraordinary exhalation of gaseous material and fiery ejecta
that was spectrographically analyzed and discovered to our consternation
to be entirely of a hydrogenous composition, the climatic conditions are
such that only the hardiest and most robust of biological
speciesification can blofusticate, in the mandraxilarryan frobizz of the
jimjam at the krotz. Flubiostically, we nerklizorksiot899s)(*#-\\AOio..."
Ogilvie's discussion was cut short by a Martian heat ray, which abruptly
covered the unfortunate astronomer in a crude flame-like effect that
compelled him to disco-dance for several seconds before transforming him
into a shiny white skeleton, which oddly enough continued to dance and
caper for several seconds after being rendered entirely bereft of flesh.
The Martian assault continued throughout the night, with several extras
and passers-by incinerated by the aliens' insidious "Disco Inferno" ray.
Once local opposition was suppressed, the horrific cartoon invaders took
to the surrounding countryside, riding aboard large machines that
resembled kitchen stools covered in aluminum foil, from which depended
immobile tentacles apparently made of welded bicycle chains. To their
surprise, the invaders encountered no major cities or large
concentrations of population -- indeed, only a group of one man and two
women running alone near the coastline. The fearful trio clambered
aboard a Missisippi River paddleboat and attempted to flee to France,
but the terrifying invaders moved stiffly out to sea, pursuing the trio,
who spent much time gazing at something nearby with exaggerated
expressions of horror akin to that of silent movie actors.
The foolish invaders had not reckoned with the power of the British Toy
Navy, for the wind-up vessel "Thunder Child" lay nearby, and with a
feeble splash came about, bearing directly upon the terrifying tripods.
What followed was a battle that is certain to live in legend, as the
tiny mechanical ship sailed aimlessly past the tripods, then past them
again, then past them yet again... Entirely unoccupied by living humans,
the toy then sped straight at one of the foil-covered stools, and
apparently destroyed it, then sank to the bottom, its Union Jack waving
nobly to the very end. The fearful trio aboard the Mississippi River
paddleboat watched in exaggerated relief, only to view a monstrous
special effect flying above their heads.
With that, the invaders from Mars were vanquished! Mankind rejoiced, for
never again would it be threatened by the flat, cartoonish invaders from
another planet! The End.
*Scientific Documentary Reveals Martians Actually Flat and Kind of
Stupid-Looking*
A recent documentary titled "War of the Worlds" revealed new information
about the inhabitants of the planet Mars. Rather than horrifying,
bear-sized tentacled monstrosities with vastly huge brains utterly
lacking in mercy and compassion, the Martians were shown resemble
low-resolution octopoidal CGI creatures, somewhat resembling a cross
between Spongebob Squarepants and his two best friends, Patrick the
Starfish and Squidward the Squid. In addition, these fearsome creatures
are actually largely two-dimensional, and look utterly unrealistic when
standing beside low-paid movie extras in cast-off Victorian clothing.
"Perhaps," speculated the famous astronomer Ogilvie, before his tragic
demise (see below), "this is due to the differing climatic conditions on
the Red Planet. Upon this fearsome orb, which upon occasion is known to
boast bizarre striations of a most unfathomable nature, associated with
a most extraordinary exhalation of gaseous material and fiery ejecta
that was spectrographically analyzed and discovered to our consternation
to be entirely of a hydrogenous composition, the climatic conditions are
such that only the hardiest and most robust of biological
speciesification can blofusticate, in the mandraxilarryan frobizz of the
jimjam at the krotz. Flubiostically, we nerklizorksiot899s)(*#-\\AOio..."
Ogilvie's discussion was cut short by a Martian heat ray, which abruptly
covered the unfortunate astronomer in a crude flame-like effect that
compelled him to disco-dance for several seconds before transforming him
into a shiny white skeleton, which oddly enough continued to dance and
caper for several seconds after being rendered entirely bereft of flesh.
The Martian assault continued throughout the night, with several extras
and passers-by incinerated by the aliens' insidious "Disco Inferno" ray.
Once local opposition was suppressed, the horrific cartoon invaders took
to the surrounding countryside, riding aboard large machines that
resembled kitchen stools covered in aluminum foil, from which depended
immobile tentacles apparently made of welded bicycle chains. To their
surprise, the invaders encountered no major cities or large
concentrations of population -- indeed, only a group of one man and two
women running alone near the coastline. The fearful trio clambered
aboard a Missisippi River paddleboat and attempted to flee to France,
but the terrifying invaders moved stiffly out to sea, pursuing the trio,
who spent much time gazing at something nearby with exaggerated
expressions of horror akin to that of silent movie actors.
The foolish invaders had not reckoned with the power of the British Toy
Navy, for the wind-up vessel "Thunder Child" lay nearby, and with a
feeble splash came about, bearing directly upon the terrifying tripods.
What followed was a battle that is certain to live in legend, as the
tiny mechanical ship sailed aimlessly past the tripods, then past them
again, then past them yet again... Entirely unoccupied by living humans,
the toy then sped straight at one of the foil-covered stools, and
apparently destroyed it, then sank to the bottom, its Union Jack waving
nobly to the very end. The fearful trio aboard the Mississippi River
paddleboat watched in exaggerated relief, only to view a monstrous
special effect flying above their heads.
With that, the invaders from Mars were vanquished! Mankind rejoiced, for
never again would it be threatened by the flat, cartoonish invaders from
another planet! The End.
