Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="jayoungr" data-source="post: 8384818" data-attributes="member: 6702445">This is an enjoyable read--thanks for posting it.  I agree that you're going to do very well in your studies!  But if you don't mind, here are a few suggestions (from me as a professional editor) to make the paper even stronger.  I apologize in advance if these comments seem really nitpicky, but trust me, they're the kind of thing that will really impress professors and take the paper to the next level!-----------------------Your opening sentence assumes the reader knows what context Warduke was created for.  This is fair for an audience such as the members of this board, but for a more general paper, you should spell it out.  Otherwise, readers might be scratching their heads wondering if he's a movie or comic book character or something.  Here's a suggestion for how to work it in:  "Created in the early 1980s for Dungeons and Dragons, Warduke has become one of the game's many iconic villains who has regained popularity in recent years."The title of the cartoon episode where Warduke appears should be in quotation marks.  Props to you for getting the capitalization right, though!First, you have toyline as one word here and at several other points in the essay.  I would make it two words.  Second, there should be a comma instead of a period after "show" (this is probably just a typo).  Third, the final phrase (starting at "with the addition") seems to be part of the previous sentence and can be joined on with no punctuation.  So the revised sentence would look like this:  "With the success of the toy line and their appearances on the show, Strongheart and Warduke would be reissued the following year under the Battle-Matic series with the addition of two mounts, Destrier for Strongheart and Nightmare for Warduke."Again, there should be a comma instead of a period after "Basic D&D."  Also, the name of the magazine should be in italics (same for the mention of Dungeon in paragraph 6)."Product focused" should not be hyphenated in this context.  That would make it a compound adjective (e.g. "product-focused design"), but here product is a noun modified by focused.Should be steed, not stead (probably just a typo).Join these as one sentence ("The adventure, designed for BECMI, centres around the Heartstone").Should be counsel (advice) rather than council (a group of people who may offer advice).You have a dangling modifier here; the friendship is not what's coupled with the original description.  Here's a suggested way to make it clearer:  "When the information in this adventure is coupled with the original description in The Shady Dragon Inn, the friendship between the two characters is somewhat apparent."This passage is a bit opaque.  First, "it" as the subject of the sentence is a little confusing, as it's not clear what it refers to; I'm guessing you mean the article says this?  Also, the second sentence seems like it should be part of the same thought, but the comma after "twins" made me a bit confused about what the players were fighting.  I had to read it two or three times to get what I think was the meaning.  Here's a suggested rewording to smooth it out a bit:  "The article describes Warduke as having a raspy, otherworldly voice before the battle--a possible reference to the original adventure and the creation of the supernatural twins which the players would have had to stand and fight."This passage is a little jumbled; it reads like you may have edited it several times and left in fragments of earlier versions.  Again, I'll just give you a revised version with suggested changes in blue (let me know if the reasons for any of these suggestions aren't clear):  "In Warduke's list of equipment, Warduke's Helm is described as being presented to him by the Unnamable Hierarch and leader of the Horned Society. Whether this is a retcon or not is hard to confirm, as Warduke appears in The Realms and Mystara, the possible home location for the Kingdom of Ghyr. The helm itself was given a significant stat increase: originally only listed as a helm, it is now at the major artifact subtype with a list of magical abilities to enhance its demonic elements. His sword, though not named, still has some of its original flavours, now becoming a +3 bane vs humans anarchic flaming burst bastard sword. The Development section of the article hints that Warduke is used as a counter to powerful player characters who portray the mightier-than-thou attitude and believe they can handle anything. You have a random colon in the middle of the sentence here.  Also, the title of the adventure is The Wild beyond the Witchlight (you got it right in paragraph 1).-----------------------I'd like to stress once again that these are all really small things, and the paper overall is clear and well-written.  I offer these suggestions only in the spirit of showing you things to watch for when writing for a grade. I actually hadn't heard of Warduke before reading this paper, and it makes me want to check out some of the adventures mentioned in it!</blockquote>

Verification