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Message: <blockquote data-quote="trappedslider" data-source="post: 9817001" data-attributes="member: 41932">okay,so i was bored and suffering insomina and decided to see how sarcastic google gemini could be while reviewing songs :"All I Want for Christmas Is You" - The Global, Multi-Million Dollar Sleigh RideAh, the sacred text. The moment the calendar hits December 1st, Mariah Carey wakes up from her hibernation chamber, and the world is immediately slapped in the face with this highly realistic and emotionally modest plea for simple companionship.Forget the fact that this song has personally funded at least three of Mariah's private jets; the true, profound message here is that she doesn't care about material possessions! No diamonds! No yachts! Not even a single piece of beachfront property! All she wants is you!The sincerity is so thick you could carve a turkey with it. The track is built on a simple, frantic, maximalist melody that sounds like an explosion in a tinsel factory. The production is a hyperactive whirlwind, perfectly capturing the barely concealed desperation of a woman who needs you right now to complete her annual financial cycle. The backing vocals and sleigh bells are engineered to burrow into your subconscious and trigger Pavlovian responses to buy more scented candles.The entire song is a beautiful, corporate-sponsored fantasy where the most complex problem is simply getting her target demographic to realize that their presence is just enough—even though we all know the moment the royalties check clears, "you" are going to be replaced by a very expensive new wardrobe.Bottom line: This is an international treasure and the undisputed ruler of the holiday charts, precisely because it is the most glorious piece of emotional blackmail ever recorded. It tells us we can't buy happiness, but it strongly implies that we can buy the feeling of happiness by repeatedly streaming this song and acknowledging its cultural dominance. You will listen to it, you will love it, and you will ensure that the Diva remains perpetually warm until the next holiday season.</blockquote>

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