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<blockquote data-quote="TaranTheWanderer" data-source="post: 9223747" data-attributes="member: 15882">Morgoth Security IncKnock, KnockMs. Hammond:&nbsp; Hello?Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; Hello, Ms Hammond, I'm Morgoth, you spoke to my secretary yesterday about your need for security regarding the recent rash of break-ins.&nbsp; I have brought a guard here to watch your house.Ms. Hammond:&nbsp; OH MY GOD, IT'S AN EVIL UNDEAD ZOMBIE!!!!Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; Don't worry, Ma'am, it's completely under my control.&nbsp; And it's not evil.&nbsp; It's hardly sentient.&nbsp; We like to refer to it as a 'Security Unit'Ms.&nbsp; Hammond:&nbsp; Oh?&nbsp; So that will keep the burglars away?Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; Yes, ma'am, it will attack intruders on sight!Ms Hammond:&nbsp; Oh, my.&nbsp; What about all the squirrels and wild life in my backyard?Mr.&nbsp; Morgoth:&nbsp; Don't worry, it won't harm any wildlife because most wildlife find the presence of undead unnerving and will avoid your property completely.Ms:&nbsp; Hammond:&nbsp; Well, it is unnerving the way it's looking at me...Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; That's because it hates you and wants to murder you and tear you to shreds.&nbsp;&nbsp; But don't worry, I have it under control and it's totally not evil!Ms. Hammond:&nbsp; Sometimes the little boy next door comes by and takes a few apples from my tree.&nbsp; Will it want to murder him too?Mr.&nbsp; Morgoth:&nbsp; Certainly, if that's what you want!&nbsp; But, if not, we can train it to not kill your neighbours.&nbsp; In fact, we also train it not to kill the milk man or the mail man.&nbsp; Also, as part of your monthly subscription, you get 5 talismans to give to your closest friends.&nbsp; It will not attack anyone wearing a talisman.Ms&nbsp; Hammond:&nbsp; It sounds more like you have to tell it who NOT to kill, rather than tell it who to guard against.Mr.&nbsp; Morgoth:&nbsp; Well, ma'am it's much more complicated than that.&nbsp; But don't worry, it is guaranteed to not murder you while under my control.Ms.&nbsp; Hammond:&nbsp; Why does it look so familiar?Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; Oh, that's because it's Mr. Murphy.Ms Hammond:&nbsp; Mr Murphy?&nbsp; The gardener down the street!?&nbsp; I liked Mr. Murphy.Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; I understand ma'am but, you see, there's been a shortage of black pearls and I was unable to reestablish control of Mr. Murphy's security unit.&nbsp; I asked Mr. Murphy to avoid going into his backyard until the new supply of pearls came in.&nbsp; Unfortunately, he got too close to the back window window and the security unit broke down his door and killed him.Ms.&nbsp; Hammond:&nbsp; OH MY!Mr. Morgoth:&nbsp; It's ok!&nbsp; I have a 100% money-back guarantee and his next-of-kin got a full refund.&nbsp; Burials are expensive these days so I also offer a free funeral service with the donation of the corpse - which the family took.&nbsp; If you find his countenance unnerving, I can turn him into a skeleton.&nbsp; All his skin will slough off.&nbsp; The bonus is that he'll have a reflexive memory of his old life.Ms Hammond:&nbsp; Really?Mr.&nbsp; Morgoth:&nbsp; Yes!&nbsp; So, while it's being forced to repress its murderous urges, it will also tend your gardens.Ms.&nbsp; Hammond:&nbsp; That's great!&nbsp; Where do I sign!</blockquote>

[QUOTE="TaranTheWanderer, post: 9223747, member: 15882"] [B]Morgoth Security Inc[/B] [I]Knock, Knock[/I] Ms. Hammond: Hello? Mr. Morgoth: Hello, Ms Hammond, I'm Morgoth, you spoke to my secretary yesterday about your need for security regarding the recent rash of break-ins. I have brought a guard here to watch your house. Ms. Hammond: OH MY GOD, IT'S AN EVIL UNDEAD ZOMBIE!!!! Mr. Morgoth: Don't worry, Ma'am, it's completely under my control. And it's not evil. It's hardly sentient. We like to refer to it as a 'Security Unit' Ms. Hammond: Oh? So that will keep the burglars away? Mr. Morgoth: Yes, ma'am, it will attack intruders on sight! Ms Hammond: Oh, my. What about all the squirrels and wild life in my backyard? Mr. Morgoth: Don't worry, it won't harm any wildlife because most wildlife find the presence of undead unnerving and will avoid your property completely. Ms: Hammond: Well, it is unnerving the way it's looking at me... Mr. Morgoth: That's because it hates you and wants to murder you and tear you to shreds. But don't worry, I have it under control and it's totally not evil! Ms. Hammond: Sometimes the little boy next door comes by and takes a few apples from my tree. Will it want to murder him too? Mr. Morgoth: Certainly, if that's what you want! But, if not, we can train it to not kill your neighbours. In fact, we also train it not to kill the milk man or the mail man. Also, as part of your monthly subscription, you get 5 talismans to give to your closest friends. It will not attack anyone wearing a talisman. Ms Hammond: It sounds more like you have to tell it who NOT to kill, rather than tell it who to guard against. Mr. Morgoth: Well, ma'am it's much more complicated than that. But don't worry, it is guaranteed to not murder you while under my control. Ms. Hammond: Why does it look so familiar? Mr. Morgoth: Oh, that's because it's Mr. Murphy. Ms Hammond: Mr Murphy? The gardener down the street!? I liked Mr. Murphy. Mr. Morgoth: I understand ma'am but, you see, there's been a shortage of black pearls and I was unable to reestablish control of Mr. Murphy's security unit. I asked Mr. Murphy to avoid going into his backyard until the new supply of pearls came in. Unfortunately, he got too close to the back window window and the security unit broke down his door and killed him. Ms. Hammond: OH MY! Mr. Morgoth: It's ok! I have a 100% money-back guarantee and his next-of-kin got a full refund. Burials are expensive these days so I also offer a free funeral service with the donation of the corpse - which the family took. If you find his countenance unnerving, I can turn him into a skeleton. All his skin will slough off. The bonus is that he'll have a reflexive memory of his old life. Ms Hammond: Really? Mr. Morgoth: Yes! So, while it's being forced to repress its murderous urges, it will also tend your gardens. Ms. Hammond: That's great! Where do I sign! [/QUOTE]

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