Worst Writings of 2005

[Psionicist]

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/books/07/28/worst.writing.ap/index.html

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) -- A man who compared a woman's anatomy to a carburetor won an annual contest that celebrates the worst writing in the English language.

Dan McKay, a computer analyst at Microsoft Great Plains in Fargo, North Dakota, bested thousands of entrants from North Pole, Alaska to Manchester, England to triumph Wednesday in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," he wrote, comparing a woman's breasts to "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."

The competition highlights literary achievements of the most dubious sort -- terrifyingly bad sentences that take their inspiration from minor writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" began, "It was a dark and stormy night."

"We want writers with a little talent, but no taste," San Jose State English Professor Scott Rice said. "And Dan's entry was just ludicrous."

The entries can be found here: http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2005.htm

Here are a few good ones:

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something.

Long, long ago in a galaxy far away, in General Hospital born I was, and quite happy were my parents, but when a youngling still I was, moved we did.

As soon as Sherriff Russell heard Bradshaw say, "This town ain't big enough for the both of us," he inadvertantly visualized a tiny chalk-line circle with a town sign that said 'population 1,' and the two of them both trying to stand inside of it rather ineffectively, leaning this way and that, trying to keep their balance without stepping outside of the line, and that was why he was smiling when Bradshaw shot him.

 

[Turjan]

Good find !

I find the winning entry not too bad. It's the story of a hobbyist, in this case a car fanatic, discovering the other gender . Not too bad.

Some of the others are simply atrocious, though. That Western entry makes me shudder, and I cannot think that the sci-fi one was meant serious. The second piece is just bad.

Thanks for sharing those .

 

[Psionicist]

Okay, this is hilarious, another writing contest: http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest challenges entrants to pen the world's most atrocious first line to a novel. Winners — and, for that matter, runners-up and honorable mentions — are generally very long. An example from the 2000 contest, singled out by the contest organizer as an especially strong contender.

 

[Aeson]

I know my writing skills are poor. It's my hope that I'm not that bad.

 

[howandwhy99]

I too true it was to ship entry upon hearing postage paid, but alas post-dear musings the address proper had reached not the judge spot.

 

[demiurge1138]

I love the Western one. It's bad, but charmingly so. There might even be an interesting story in that hideously mixed metaphor.

Demiurge out.