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<blockquote data-quote="Janx" data-source="post: 7323993" data-attributes="member: 8835">you start with a long sentence.&nbsp; probably needs a period after Church.&nbsp; Look for your other sentences that seem long and see if you've got complete sentences hiding in them.&nbsp; I'm not big on adverbs anymore, you've only got one.referencing a cocktail by name didn't do it for me.&nbsp; I don't drink, and I don't know she's a bartender yet.&nbsp; Consider changing the sentence to:Easier than making a cocktail in her bartending job.This would reveal something about her backstory, and might entice us to learn more because she's a magic catburglar AND a bartender.I'm not as good with the line about her sitting there smirking and thinking.&nbsp; It's too reflective, right when there should be action.&nbsp; Go research Scene and Sequel (or read up Deb Chester's The Fantasy Fiction Formula.&nbsp; The gist is the scene is the car accident happening right now, you see the car in front slam on its brakes, you swerve to the right, a kid on the bike is in the way, jerk the wheel to the left and fly off the bridge.&nbsp; To the sequel, where you sit on the shore, shivering, cursing that idiot in the Mazda, wondering what you'll tell your parents about the car.&nbsp; Maybe you can tell them you saved a kid's life, that'll stop the beating.I'm not as hooked on the opening sentence.&nbsp; Those are tricky, but I try to find a way to reveal the hero in a situation that is surprising and unusual to the reader, so they want to learn more.&nbsp; For instance:Twenty minutes from now, Nikora needed to be back tending bar, but right now, she had to get into this house or she was as good as dead.---That's enough dissection from me. I hope it helps.&nbsp; You can use any bit of my sentence alternates you want, that's what developmental editing does. Welcome back to writing.&nbsp; As you might have guessed, I too am a writer.&nbsp; Got back into it almost two years ago.&nbsp; Learned a ton that I didn't know about.&nbsp; Get that book I mentioned and as Jim Butcher says in the forward, &quot;Shut up and do what Deb tells you.&quot;&nbsp; It'll be a lot less painful and you'll learn how to successfully build a book or tell a story before you try your own half-baked way of telling a story and failing.For the record, I've a few small pieces published since I started and I wrote my novel's first draft my way, and it's a mess.&nbsp; So I am starting over and doing it the Deb Chester way. <img src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/8.0/png/unicode/64/1f642.png" class="smilie smilie--emoji" loading="lazy" width="64" height="64" alt=":)" title="Smile&nbsp; &nbsp; :)"&nbsp; data-smilie="1"data-shortname=":)" /></blockquote>

[QUOTE="Janx, post: 7323993, member: 8835"] you start with a long sentence. probably needs a period after Church. Look for your other sentences that seem long and see if you've got complete sentences hiding in them. I'm not big on adverbs anymore, you've only got one. referencing a cocktail by name didn't do it for me. I don't drink, and I don't know she's a bartender yet. Consider changing the sentence to: Easier than making a cocktail in her bartending job. This would reveal something about her backstory, and might entice us to learn more because she's a magic catburglar AND a bartender. I'm not as good with the line about her sitting there smirking and thinking. It's too reflective, right when there should be action. Go research Scene and Sequel (or read up Deb Chester's [U]The Fantasy Fiction Formula[/U]. The gist is the scene is the car accident happening right now, you see the car in front slam on its brakes, you swerve to the right, a kid on the bike is in the way, jerk the wheel to the left and fly off the bridge. To the sequel, where you sit on the shore, shivering, cursing that idiot in the Mazda, wondering what you'll tell your parents about the car. Maybe you can tell them you saved a kid's life, that'll stop the beating. I'm not as hooked on the opening sentence. Those are tricky, but I try to find a way to reveal the hero in a situation that is surprising and unusual to the reader, so they want to learn more. For instance: Twenty minutes from now, Nikora needed to be back tending bar, but right now, she had to get into this house or she was as good as dead. --- That's enough dissection from me. I hope it helps. You can use any bit of my sentence alternates you want, that's what developmental editing does. Welcome back to writing. As you might have guessed, I too am a writer. Got back into it almost two years ago. Learned a ton that I didn't know about. Get that book I mentioned and as Jim Butcher says in the forward, "Shut up and do what Deb tells you." It'll be a lot less painful and you'll learn how to successfully build a book or tell a story before you try your own half-baked way of telling a story and failing. For the record, I've a few small pieces published since I started and I wrote my novel's first draft my way, and it's a mess. So I am starting over and doing it the Deb Chester way. :) [/QUOTE]

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