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<blockquote data-quote="Janx" data-source="post: 7427841" data-attributes="member: 8835">Putting on my editor hat, your sentences 2 and 3 have phrasing that reads as her eyes doing gymnastics, not the character.&quot;Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll&quot;Even if I stick&nbsp; a comma between &quot;below&quot; and landing, it sounds like they jumped out to the rooftop, landing with a roll.&nbsp; &quot;Slowly standing up her eyes&quot;Probably needs a comma between up and her.Jokes aside, you've got her body part &quot;eyes&quot; acting as their own character.&nbsp; Which I suspect is not her mutant power.&nbsp; So it reads funny.&nbsp; Try this:Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below.&nbsp; She ran and leapt down, landing with a roll. While rising to her feet, Nikora found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Give that a ponder, you're free to use my version or obviously come up with your own.I am assuming this is your story start.&nbsp; Your first sentence has some hook traits, it introduces a situation that the reader has hints of what's going on, but not the whole picture, leaving me to wonder why she's on a church rooftop, what's the mark, because I suspect she's a cat burglar.&nbsp; But, by the next paragraph, it's revealed she's sneaking back into her own room.&nbsp; While funny, this may not be a hooky enough starting scene.&nbsp; it doesn't feel like we're close to the inciting incident.&nbsp; I feel it does demonstrate her competence and hint at her background (bar keep).</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Janx, post: 7427841, member: 8835"] Putting on my editor hat, your sentences 2 and 3 have phrasing that reads as her eyes doing gymnastics, not the character. "Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll" Even if I stick a comma between "below" and landing, it sounds like they jumped out to the rooftop, landing with a roll. "Slowly standing up her eyes" Probably needs a comma between up and her. Jokes aside, you've got her body part "eyes" acting as their own character. Which I suspect is not her mutant power. So it reads funny. Try this: Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below. She ran and leapt down, landing with a roll. While rising to her feet, Nikora found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Give that a ponder, you're free to use my version or obviously come up with your own. I am assuming this is your story start. Your first sentence has some hook traits, it introduces a situation that the reader has hints of what's going on, but not the whole picture, leaving me to wonder why she's on a church rooftop, what's the mark, because I suspect she's a cat burglar. But, by the next paragraph, it's revealed she's sneaking back into her own room. While funny, this may not be a hooky enough starting scene. it doesn't feel like we're close to the inciting incident. I feel it does demonstrate her competence and hint at her background (bar keep). [/QUOTE]

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