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<blockquote data-quote="Janx" data-source="post: 7445264" data-attributes="member: 8835">I've only got a short moment this morning, so I'll come back with&nbsp; more ideas later.&nbsp;&nbsp; But here's the quick stuff.In the beginning, you have her &quot;Slowly standing up,&quot;&nbsp; Adverbs are bad, kind of.&nbsp; Mainly because they hint that you could use a stronger verb.&nbsp; Try &quot;Rising to her feet,&quot;&nbsp; I see &quot;Her eyes&quot; are up to their old tricks.&nbsp; namely, that phrasing (or her cold eyes) pops up a few too many times.&nbsp; Usually, you want to avoid word or phrase repetition.Finn sounds very formal at first.&nbsp; Maybe less formal and more banter about the money being offered like &quot;You're taking food from my third wife.&quot;Also, the amounts are really small.&nbsp; Granted, we have no idea what a Gold is worth, but we do know what small numbers are.&nbsp; It sounds like we're haggling over $2.02 vs. $2.12&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; Because the numeric values are so small, it sounds petty.&nbsp; Try it using just silver.&nbsp; I'll give you 25.&nbsp; I want 50.&nbsp; Best I can do is 33.&nbsp; Bigger numbers shows us greater variance from the high bid and low bid.&nbsp; Making us wonder what she'll accept.Is this a short story or book (been awhile, so I can't remember).&nbsp; Thus far, this feels like establishing the character, rather than setting stakes or the inciting incident.&nbsp; So I have no idea what the story is about still, other than Nikora is the main character and she's a thief.&nbsp; Now imagine if Finn balks at the items.&nbsp; He recognizes something, and won't touch any of it.&nbsp; Now, or story is about what she stole and who wants it back and what reason for it being special.&nbsp; Stakes go up, and people are intrigued by it.&nbsp; Keep working at it.&nbsp; And don't be afraid to move forward.&nbsp; I finished a draft of chapter 4 last night.&nbsp; Beta readers have rough drafts of 1-3 already, so I can see if the opening pages hook them.&nbsp; You can always go back and fine tune the details.I gotta go.</blockquote>

[QUOTE="Janx, post: 7445264, member: 8835"] I've only got a short moment this morning, so I'll come back with more ideas later. But here's the quick stuff. In the beginning, you have her "Slowly standing up," Adverbs are bad, kind of. Mainly because they hint that you could use a stronger verb. Try "Rising to her feet," I see "Her eyes" are up to their old tricks. namely, that phrasing (or her cold eyes) pops up a few too many times. Usually, you want to avoid word or phrase repetition. Finn sounds very formal at first. Maybe less formal and more banter about the money being offered like "You're taking food from my third wife." Also, the amounts are really small. Granted, we have no idea what a Gold is worth, but we do know what small numbers are. It sounds like we're haggling over $2.02 vs. $2.12 Because the numeric values are so small, it sounds petty. Try it using just silver. I'll give you 25. I want 50. Best I can do is 33. Bigger numbers shows us greater variance from the high bid and low bid. Making us wonder what she'll accept. Is this a short story or book (been awhile, so I can't remember). Thus far, this feels like establishing the character, rather than setting stakes or the inciting incident. So I have no idea what the story is about still, other than Nikora is the main character and she's a thief. Now imagine if Finn balks at the items. He recognizes something, and won't touch any of it. Now, or story is about what she stole and who wants it back and what reason for it being special. Stakes go up, and people are intrigued by it. Keep working at it. And don't be afraid to move forward. I finished a draft of chapter 4 last night. Beta readers have rough drafts of 1-3 already, so I can see if the opening pages hook them. You can always go back and fine tune the details. I gotta go. [/QUOTE]

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