FILK You, EN World!

ExploderWizard · Nov 1, 2014

(From a post in another thread recently)

THE MONSTER MATH
I was working on my game, late one night
When my eyes beheld,a nagging sight
For my monster from the page began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the math, he did the monster math
The monster math, it was a campaign smash
He did the math, it caught on in a flash
He did the math, he did the monster math

From my module pages and the encounter keys
To my wandering charts,which are the bees knees
The monsters all came bringing Orcus with'em
To get a fix from my algorithim

They did the math, they did the monster math
The monster math, it was a campaign smash
They did the math, it caught on in a flash
They did the math, They did the monster math

The monsters were having fun
Calculations had just begun
The formulas were working
The testing had been done

The game was rockin all were diggin the fights
The orcs and goblins caused a dreadful fright
Bounded accuracy was about to arrive
With their special guest, the flat math jive.

They worked the math, they worked the monster math
The monster math, it was a campaign smash
They worked the math, it caught on in a flash
They worked the math, they worked the monster math

Out from its coffin 4th's voice did ring
Seems it was troubled by just one thing
Opened the lid and shook its fist and said
" Whatever happened to my inflated bonus twist?"

It's now the math, it's now the monster math
The monster math, it was a campaign smash
It's now the math, it caught on in a flash
It's now the math, it's now the monster math

Now everything's cool 4th is part of the band
And my monster math is the hit of the land
For you the player this math was meant too
When you open the door, tell them Gary sent you.

Then you can math, then you can monster math
The monster math, and do my campain smash
Then you can math, you'll catch on in a flash
Then you can math, then you can monster math

Dannyalcatraz · Nov 2, 2014

TAINTED BOB

Right now I wish that I could run away
I want to get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me
The hate we share seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I walked and turned alone in the night
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I can't run from you
It's Tainted Bob you're nibblin'
I gave you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh, Tainted Bob....
Now I wish that I could run away
I've got to get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right, someone needs you in their gunsight
'Cause you think life is to prey
But I'm sorry I don't prey that way
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'd run from you
This Tainted Bob you're nibblin'
I gave you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh, Tainted Bob, Tainted Bob
Don't touch me please
You ate my leg below the knee
I hate you 'cause you hurt me so
I cannot pack my things and go (things and go....)
Tainted Bob (Tainted Bob...)
Run away (run away....)
I need someone (I need someone....)
Tainted Bob, Tainted Bob
Tainted Bob, Tainted Bob
Eat me Gareth, Tainted Bob
Eat me Gareth, Tainted Bob
Tainted Bob, Tainted Bob
Tainted Bob, Tainted Bob

Dannyalcatraz · Nov 2, 2014

And after that new one, an oldie:

Dannyalcatraz said:
Hero 1: "Anything you can kill, I can kill more of!
I can slay anything better than you!"
Hero 2: "No you can't"
Hero 1:"Yes I can!
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can, yes, I can

Hero 2: Any bow you can pull, I can pull harder!
......In archery, I'm greater than you
Hero 1: No, you're not
Hero 2: Yes, I am
Hero 1: No, you're not
Hero 2: Yes, I am
Hero 1: No, you're not
Hero 2: Yes, I am, yes I am

Hero 2: I can slay a dragon with a single arrow
Hero 1: I can slay a dragon with only the bow
Hero 2: I can live on bread and cheese
Hero 1: And only on that?
Hero 2: Yes
Hero 1: So can a rat

Hero 2: Any keep you can breach I can breach faster
Hero 1: I can breach any keep faster than you
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can

Hero 2: Anything you can bend I can bend farther
Hero 1: I can bend anything farther than you
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can, yes, I can

Hero 2: I can drink my liquor faster than a flicker
Hero 1: I can do it quicker and get even sicker
Hero 2: I can open any safe
Hero 1: Without being caught?
Hero 2: Sure
Hero 1: That's what I thought (you crook)

Hero 2: Any weight you can hold I can hold longer
Hero 1: I can hold any weight longer than you
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can, yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't - Oh! You can!

Hero 1: Armor that you can wear I can wear better
......Dressed in your armor I'd look better than you
Hero 2: In my coif
Hero 1: In your mail
Hero 2: In my greaves
Hero 1: In your helm
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can, yes, I can

Hero 2: I can jump a hurdle
Hero 1: I can wear a girdle
Hero 2: I look great in leather
Hero 1: I can fill it better
Hero 2: I can do most anything
Hero 1: Can you bake a pie?
Hero 2: No
Hero 1: Neither can I

Hero 2: Any sword you can swing I can swing faster
Hero 1: I can swing any sword faster than you
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Oh, yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can
Hero 2: No, you can't, can't, can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can, can, can, can
Hero 2: No, you can't
Hero 1: Yes, I can

Dannyalcatraz · Nov 2, 2014

This thread has some classic Drow Filks:

http://www.enworld.org/forum/showthread.php?300815-Where-did-all-the-drow-go

Dannyalcatraz · Nov 2, 2014

Another oldie:

PCS WHO DIED
(Jim Carroll "People Who Died")

Teddy getting drunk in a dungeon crawl
Fell in a pit full of Green Slime
Cathy was out scouting when she pulled the plug
Found 26 orcs raging out of their minds
Bobby got lycanthropy, bit by a rat
He took a silver bolt when he died
They were PCs of mine

Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

G-berg and Georgie went to harlots so rotten
They died of diseases that left them blood sodden
Sly in Darkenwood took an arrow in the head
Bobby mixed his potions on the night that he was wed
They were two PCs of mine
Two more friends that died

Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Mary took a dry dive from a castle wall
Bobby was ambushed by a wight in the tombs
Judy jumped in front of a Floating Brain
Eddie got et jumpin' past a cave fisher
And Eddie, I miss you more than all the others
And I salute you brother

Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Herbie blew Tony from the starship lock
Tony thought his rage was just some crock
But Herbie sure gave Tony a real big shock
"Hey," Herbie said, "Tony, can you fly?"
But Tony couldn't fly, Tony died

Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Brian got busted on a smuggling rap
He beat the rap by rattin' out assassins
He said, "Hey, I know it's dangerous, but is sure beats prison."
But the next day he got offed by the same assassins

Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
Those are PCs who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died

Dannyalcatraz · Nov 4, 2014

Hopefully, one day you'll be able to click on an image like this:

And hear someone singing this:

Oooh

Aberrations don't love
You know the rules and so do I
A full intestine's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Really gonna search you out
Really gonna hunt you down
Really gonna look around and attack you
Really gonna make you cry
Then I'm gonna chomp your eye
Really gonna tell the truth- I'll eat you

We've stalked each other for so long
Your heart's been pounding, but
You're too scared to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Really gonna search you out
Really gonna hunt you down
Really gonna look around and attack you
Really gonna make you cry
Then I'm gonna chomp your eye
Really gonna tell the truth- I'll eat you

Really gonna search you out
Really gonna hunt you down
Really gonna look around and attack you
Really gonna make you cry
Then I'm gonna chomp your eye
Really gonna tell the truth- I'll eat you

(Ooh, eat you up)
(Ooh, eat you up)
Really gonna eat, really gonna bite
(Eat you up)
Really gonna eat, really gonna bite
(Eat you up)

We've stalked each other for so long
Your heart's been pounding, but
You're too scared to say it
Inside, we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Really gonna search you out
Really gonna hunt you down
Really gonna look around and attack you
Really gonna make you cry
Then I'm gonna chomp your eye
Really gonna tell the truth- I'll eat you

Really gonna search you out
Really gonna hunt you down
Really gonna look around and attack you
Really gonna make you cry
Then I'm gonna chomp your eye
Really gonna tell the truth- I'll eat you

Really gonna search you out
Really gonna hunt you down
Really gonna look around and attack you
Really gonna make you cry
Then I'm gonna chomp your eye
Really gonna tell the truth- I'll eat you

I.O.W., Grick-rolling

Dannyalcatraz · Nov 7, 2014

GOING BACK TO GENCON

I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con.. hmm, I don't think so
I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con.. I don't think so

Going back to Gen Con, stylin, profilin
Growlin, and smilin, while in the sun
The windows are down on the purple van
And it's fly, cause it's sittin on 20s
Chainlink steering wheel, shagged out, custom Gandalf paint
Plush dice air freshener
VRRRROOM engine's blowin, the tail, is smokin'
Passed by all the cars on the way
Movement of the wind, back wheels spin
Pop in a cassette and push play

I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con - yea y'all, I don't think so
I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con.. I don't think so

I'm going back to Gen Con, shakin 'em, bakin 'em
Takin 'em to spots they never before hung
Love the place, the Con- it's a trip
Where the drinks are cold, and some girls got whips
The LARPin's hip, and this girl kept dancin
Prancin, grindin, grinnin, romancin
I asked her to the barn, so we could hit the hay
I wanna do this, Xena, but I don't wanna pay

I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con - no man I don't think so
I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con.. I don't think so...

I'm going back to Gen Con, rising, surprising
Advising realizing, she's sizing me up
Her chainmail - small; heels - tall
She said...she liked...my swagger
She told me "Come by", gave me the eye
and took off her sword & dagger
Now I thought I was fast, but this girl was faster
She's lookin for a real good time
I said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise,"
and I ran away with the bottle of wine

I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con.. I don't think so
I'm going back to Gen Con, Gen Con, Gen Con
I'm going back to Gen Con.. I don't think so

Mark CMG · Jun 23, 2015

Dannyalcatraz said:
This thread has some classic Drow Filks:

http://www.enworld.org/forum/showthread.php?300815-Where-did-all-the-drow-go

Good link! Thanks!

BIGGTeddybear · Dec 26, 2019

catastrophic said:
If you've got a total party kill I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a lich ain't one

I got the vorpal sword so i'm not ignored,
First to the chest for the best reward,
People say that my roleplaying's untoward
But the dungeonmaster knows it's aboveboard
Style is cavalier, not the way a minstrel's a bard
But the way I stand over the party and I ride them hard
They can whine about the treasure shares just make me bored
Because they know they wouldn't last without their overlord
I got the ranger on my back 'cause this sandbox abroad
Wizards bitch about the wayback when their robed asses soared
Clerics complaining, where did their buffs go
Now they gotta fight without a leg up and they don't know, suckers,
And here comes the arch villain he's all bones and spells
He thinks it's the old days when fighters still ran for the hills
Drop a vs will on me and hell I ain't done
I got 99 problems but a lich ain't one

FILK You, EN World!

ExploderWizard

Hero

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator

Dannyalcatraz

Schmoderator

Mark CMG

Creative Mountain Games

BIGGTeddybear

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