D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

BoldItalic · Jul 24, 2017

< Johnny >

Johnny felt he needed a long rest to recover completely from his mauling so they found an out-of-the-way cave to sleep in. His utterwolves obligingly provided living fur blankets for him and his hobgoblins while Claw and the skeletons kept watch. It was a good arrangement. They were not interrupted but Claw did hear the dance chamber rumba-ling and roaring as it came down the nearby tunnel, paused, and went back up again for no apparent reason. "Lucky we weren't trying to climb the tunnel," thought Claw, "We'd all have been frizzled to a frazzle."

Later, when they all woke up refreshed and fighting fit, Johnny sent the hobgoblins to look for another way out. They found a metal door at the back of the cave, marked ANGER! O OT NTER! although it looked as if some of the writing had worn off along the left-hand edge. Through the door, there was a spiral staircase that ascended upwards for an unknown distance. The steps were slick with moss and the air smelt of potatoes, so this was obviously the right way to go.

The steps led up to a perfectly circular, perfectly horizontal tunnel about ten feet across, lined with some kind of glassy metallic substance that was warm to the touch but easy to walk along. A faint breeze blew steadily down the tunnel. In the far distance, a bell rang, just once. As they moved cautiously forward, a red light flickered on and off several times ahead. Johnny felt tense, and I don't mean the future perfect kind of tense; more the imperfect present with a side order of subjunctive. Suddenly, rushing towards them came ...

BoldItalic · Jul 24, 2017

< Tippy >

Lezzdra was annoyed. By Lolth, she was annoyed. Well, you would be if you had been captured, bound and gagged by a bunch of surface-dwellers who had slaughtered your guard-slaves for no good reason. If anyone was going to slaughter her slaves, it should be her, not some house-less, halberd-twirling, good-for-nothing half-orc with her so-called cleric man-slave and her so-called wizard man-slave and those other two who were so ugly, no-one would pay anything for them. To cap it all, she was going to be late for the hairdresser's.

"What should we do with her?" asked Alber't'ickle with a nod to Lezzdra as he continued cleaning his daggers. "I could just slit her throat. She did call us some very rude names."

"No, name-calling isn't a capital offense," said Tippy. "Besides, you would have to clean your daggers all over again. But I might allow you to tickle her all over to make her confess."

"NN! N NNT!"

"I think I'd better do the tickling," interposed Tasha as she folded away the extra blade in her halberd. "You might enjoy tickling a woman all over, more than is good for you. Anyway, what do we want her to confess to?"

Igoatunot looked up from reading Techniques of Interrogation and Torture. "Everything, basically," he suggested, frowning and looking sternly at Lezzdra. "It could take a while, she looks very guilty about quite a lot of things."

"NN N NZZN NN! NN NN GZN!"

"Uf A mite maik a ssuggistiun?" offered GlibbleFleep, who had drunk one of his own potions of Speak with The Living but it wasn't quite working completely yet, "A haff a potion of Zone of Truth."

"That might work," agreed Tippy. "But do we risk ungagging her? She might come out with some awful cantrip."

"M MZ MGMM NT M?"

"We could get her to write everything down?" suggested Igoatunot. "I have an Endless Scroll of Scrolling. I was saving it for my autobiography, but I expect I can get another one somewhere."

"I have plenty of ink," offered Alber't'ickle, then looked somewhat embarrassed for reasons no-one else understood but politely pretended not to notice.

"Looks like we have a plan," decided Tippy. About an hour later, Igoatunot started to read out the finished confession. "When I was three years old, I was kind to a ..." but Tippy interrupted him. Turning to Lezzdra, he spoke forcefully. "I will offer you a deal," he said. "Guide us through your drow city to the exits to the surface that your soldiers use to make their night-time forays to the upper world, and we will let you go free. But if you play us false, we will sell your confession to the newspapers."

"EZRFMFM!" replied Lezzdra with a vigorous guesture of denial.

"I think that was a very rude word," translated GlibbleFleep, "And not at all lady-like. Let me try." So saying, he produced his magic narwhal horn and blew a few notes on it to tune up his lips. Then he played the March of the Slaves from a certain well-known opera, followed by the March To The Scaffold from a certain well-known symphony and finished with the Dead March from a certain well-known oratorio.

There was a stunned silence. Then Lezzdra sank to her knees and wept.

BoldItalic · Jul 24, 2017

< Ha! >

And so evading and avoiding many horse patrols Ha! Was assisted by the bard Alana Dale and the druid Ma Rihan......

She was taken to a hidden campsite deep in the forest, beside a running stream. Oddly, although there was plenty of activity, she saw no camp fires and no sign of food being cooked. She asked Alana about this.

"We make no open fires, for smoke rising between the trees would give away our location to the bounty hunters who seek us. The druids conjure food for us when we need it. Are you hungry?"

Ha! couldn't remember when she had last eaten and said so. She was given a bowl of beef-flavoured porridge, with strawberry porridge to follow. She had to admit that it was surprisingly good. She looked around at the dozen or so people she could see - they seemed to be an odd mixture of elves, men and hobbits, all dressed alike in green clothes to blend into the forest. She wondered if they changed into brown clothes in autumn. She asked Ma Rihan who was their leader.

"He's not here right now, but you will meet him later. He will ask you some questions and, if he likes the answers, you will be allowed to stay. His name is Al, short for Always, because he is always robin' people. We are bandits, you see, which is why we are being hunted."

Ha! thought about this. "I'd like to stay, but I'm not sure I know how to be a bandit," she ventured. "I've never really tried. Is there someone who can teach me what to do?"

"Well, we're jumping the arrow a bit here, but I'll introduce you to Little John," said Ma, giving her a sideways look.

Little John turned out to be a halfling like her, only he was a tallfellow with slicked-back hair and teeth that gleamed when he smiled. He seemed to smile a lot. Ha! thought he was ... he was ... oh, gosh.

Ma slid away with a chuckle and left them to get ... acquainted.

rgoodbb · Jul 25, 2017

Johnny felt tense, and I don't mean the future perfect kind of tense; more the imperfect present with a side order of subjunctive. Suddenly, rushing towards them came ...

......A pod of wild Spinning Bumper-Beasts. They were yipping and yapping, bouncing and bounding off of the circular walls, and giving chase to a red dot moving jaggedly across the roof of the tunnel. Claw had taken the magic initiate feat as no-one else in this split party seemed magical enough. Prestidigitational red dots on the walls moved the pod safely passed them all.

Suddenly Ha! appeared in a slight state of undress. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she cried and rapidly covered herself up. She bamphed out and back again a few times as if searching for a specific place but eventually became fatigued and sat down sad and withdrawn for some time.

Meanwhile Claw with his new feat cast Find Familiar. The ritual lasted some time but sure enough, approaching down the tunnel towards them came his very own familiar. It was a..........

rgoodbb · Jul 25, 2017

Tippy took some time to pray and found that he was actually communing with his goddess: Iris of the messenger domain. He, he found out, was actually her only cleric, so communing was really easy. She really had no-one else to talk to: A pretty sad state of affairs for a message domain.

Tippy asked for her guidance. How to get rid of the menace of the evil party. Iris granted him a single level 9 spell: Dispel Party

Bar De-Door was left barring a door against an enemy horde. He could be heard shouting Bar De-Door, Bar De-Door, BarDoor Bardor Bordor Hordor.

Char-Ging charged off into the sunset and continued charging around

Ming-Vahz became a broken shadow of her former self

And Kate? Kate simply became lost.

I must do this more often though Tippy. In fact.....

BoldItalic · Jul 25, 2017

< Johnny, ClaW and Ha! >

... approaching down the tunnel towards them came his very own familiar. It was ...

... an elderly wizard with a knobbly staff, a pointy hat, a long beard and an absent-minded expression. At first he seemed to be a tall man a very long way off but as he got nearer it became apparent that perspective was playing tricks and he was actually only seven inches high in his boots, even when he was up close. He spoke in a shrill, piping voice. "You aren't going to believe this," he began, "But I left all my spell books in the library and they don't open again until Monday morning. Silly, isn't it? I'm Mike, by the way, short for Micromanage. I can do Find Shelf and Lift Paper, if that's any good?"

ClaW wasn't sure this was how familiars were supposed to be, but he put it down to his own inexperience with the spell. After all, if a lobster can be a human's familiar, as he had been Tippy's, why not the other way around? It made sense, in a weird sort of way.

Johnny wasn't terribly interested in seven-inch wizards. He was itching for a fight with someone his own size. Or preferably larger, to make it fair. He kicked open a door and entered a large square chamber with stone pillars holding up a vaulted roof. In the middle was an altar on a raised platform, with four griffons guarding it. This was more like it. If something was worth guarding it was worth plundering and if it was worth plundering it was worth fighting over.

Johnny flourished his khopesh, his hobgoblins flourished their ... hobs, the utterwolves slathered convincingly, ClaW flourished his skeletons and battle was joined. Now, it could have turned into a slogging match because there were a lot of hit points in the room and attacks only do so much damage at a time and if you do the arithmetic it takes about 7 rounds to grind things down unless people do interesting things like swinging from the chandeliers with repeating crossbows and there weren't any chandeliers and no-one had any crossbows. So we'll fast forward to the point where Johnny is down to half hit points and he's used up his Second Wind and his Action surge; two griffons are down but so are two hobgoblins, one wolf and three skeletons and that actually swings the odds slightly more in the griffons' favour. Okay so far? It's time for ClaW to do something fun with his boomerang.

ClaW sent the boomerang whickering around the chamber, past the heads of the two remaining griffons. Now griffons instinctively attack anything that flies past them, rending it with their beaks and tearing it with their talons, breaking its wings so that it crashes helplessly to the ground far below. Except, you can't kill a boomerang and it hasn't got any wings to break - you just get a beakfull of wooden splinters. Basically, griffons haven't evolved to fight boomerangs. So we have the absurd picture of two griffons flying round and round the room chasing a boomerang they can't damage while Johnny and his allies take swipes at them each time one of them flies past. It could only end one way.

While Ha! plucked some griffon feathers to make herself a new hat, Johnny investigated the altar. Ignoring some brass candlesticks he picked up a valuable-looking gold statuette of a two-headed eagle with gemstones for its eyes. It didn't seem to be magical, but ...

Johnny One-Eye (Party Splitter, Human Champion Tunnel/Cage Fighter-3; magic khopesh that never misses, statuette of a double-headed eagle, 17 g.p.) Bloodied (again)
1 Hobgoblin Retainer Controlled by Johnny One-Eye
4 Utterwolves Utterly Faithful to Johnny One-Eye
ClaW (Lobster; Tippy's ex-familiar; Boomerang)
3 Skeleton Retainers Controlled by ClaW
Micromanage (ClaW's familiar; Miniature Human Wizard-½; Knobbly Staff, Pointy Hat)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; three stones, griffon feathers, 17 g.p.)

BoldItalic · Jul 25, 2017

< Tippy >

With the help of Lezzdra, Tippy and his friends reached one of the secret magic portals that take drow raiding parties to the surface world. Lezzdra, still much affected by GlibbleFleep's music, begged the ghast to stay in the drow city with her, where she would arrange for him to give horn recitals and become famous. She would also arrange an introduction to the Guildmistress of the Alchemists' Guild, who was a distant relative and GlibbleFleep was quite taken with that suggestion. Tippy applauded the idea - he had nothing to offer in the UpperLight that compared to such a prospect. And so GlibbleFleep said goodbye and wished Tippy and his friends good fortune with his journey onwards. As a parting gift, he presented Tippy with a Potion of Limited RetConning and Tippy reciprocated by giving GlibbleFleep his Potion of Flight of the Seven Spectators.

The portal took them into an unremarkable ruined temple with daylight streaming in through the broken roof. They were back in their own world, but where? Alber't'ickle went outside to scout around and blinked in the unaccustomed sunshine. They were in a subtropical wood with a narrow, overgrown track leading away roughly northwards from the doorway of the temple. Nearby was a block of stone with carvings on it in a language he did not recognise. He called Igoatunot to come and look at it. "It's cuneiform," explained the wizard sagely, and it's some sort of milestone." Pulling a copy of Codex Cuneiforma from his pack, he translated the inscription: "Babylon, Three Score Miles and Ten".

"That puts us somewhere in Mesopotamia," observed Tikky, levelling up and getting 3rd-level spells, "But shouldn't it all be desert?"

"Maybe this part is irrigated by the Tigris?" suggested Tasha, who seemed to be fiddling with her armour, tightening straps here, adjusting things there, and generally looking more armoured in some subtle way.

"Well, perhaps it is," agreed Tippy, "Let's follow the track northwards and find out."

They set off and hadn't gone far when they heard, coming through the trees ...

Tippy (Cleric-5; Hammer, Potion of Limited RetConning, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.) Inspiring Leader
Igoatunot (was Ikidunot, was Toothpaste, was Macfeece) (Wizard-5 Conjurer with 3x/day headbutt attack; books, Oyster Shell)
Alber't'ickle (Sinister Octo-Thief-5; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink, TotM pole, Oyster Shell) Dungeon Delver
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-4 Battlemaster; Versatile Double Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.) Heavy Armor Master

rgoodbb · Jul 26, 2017

Ha! was feeling decidedly dandy in her new feather hat. She was bamphing around with gay abandon. She knew now that with a wizard familiar, and a magic initiate around that her teleportation powers would be augmented. It was time to hit the surface. She shouted:
"Ha!"

And flung her group topside.

Johnny could see this statuette of a double-headed eagle better now in the light with his one eye. He wasn't even bothered about where they were.

ClaW spied water and decided to do a deep clean. He wandered in and instead of walking on the bottom, he floated. This had never happened before. Lobsters don't float! Not knowing what to do he called out for help. His three remaining skeletons dived in to help their master and floated as well. skeletons don't float! And so they clung to each other on the surface of the water like travelling ants wondering what to do. Claw thought quickly. His Magic initiate feat had given him prestidigitation, find familiar and one other cantrip that he had still to choose. What would work here? He chose.........

Meanwhile the Statuette had started talking to Johnny in his mind. It had a deep but rich voice full of vibrato and it was saying..............

rgoodbb · Jul 26, 2017

They set off and hadn't gone far when they heard, coming through the trees ...

.....A territorially angry Rhino. It was charging (not Char-Ging) straight towards the party. Igoatunot sprang forward with uncustomary braveness, lowered his head and charged right back. Dust flying high from both contestants, the rumbling could be felt in everyone's hearts. Closer they converged, closer still until..........THUCK!

The huge form of the rhino staggered back out of the dust storm. Wobbly, Unsure. it took a moment, and wandered off back into the treeline. The dust settled, and the wizard was just standing there. Alber't'ickle was first there. "Are you OK? Igoatunot. Talk to me".

"It is no longer that name. I am now Inannyunot."

The party composed themselves and wandered north towards the dead sea.............

BoldItalic · Jul 26, 2017

The party composed themselves and wandered north towards the dead sea.............

... and they hadn't gone far when they heard the sound of chanting from somewhere up ahead and a group of three swarthy men appeared around a bend in the road. They were dressed in kilted robes covered in curious symbols and wore oddly-shaped hats like stepped pyramids on their heads.¹

The men stopped short when they saw what, to them, were obviously four demons. One barked a gutteral challenge, which was in no language that Tippy or any of the others understood. They must have been looking for trouble because, when Tippy raised his hands, palms forward, in a sign of peace, they evidently supposed he was about to cast a spell over them and they reacted with hostile spells of their own. If they were indeed looking for trouble, they found it.

Two well-aimed daggers flashed through the air and took Shadrak full in the chest. The man retaliated, and a shaft of brilliant light struck the spot where Alber't'ickle had been standing just a moment before when he threw the daggers; but he had already dodged nimbly aside.

A Hold Person spell from Meshak failed to affect Tippy, who was much too experienced with clerical magic to be tricked by it, and Inannyunot Counterspelled something similar directed at Tasha as she sprinted forward spinning her halberd like a demented windmill. The men were already spreading out so she attacked the third man, Harry Lime, and would have nearly killed him where he stood, had he not thrown up a Shield of Faith moments earlier. Even so, he was knocked to the ground by the ferocity of her onslaught and she stood poised above his helpless, wriggling, form ready to finish the job. His pleas for mercy were to no avail, since Tasha didn't speak Viennese had no idea what he was saying.

Seeing how things were going, and that they were fighting spell-casters of some kind, Tippy cast Spiritual Guardians and the goddess Iris sent four Babylonian Angels, who surrounded him protectively as he marched purposefully towards Meshak, swinging his hammer meaningfully as he went. This gave Alber't'ickle an opportunity to sneak up behind Meshak un-noticed and stab him deftly in the back. Meshak turned, enraged, and hit Alber't'ickle with an Inflict Wounds spell, which just shows you how evil he was. The spell caused a terrifying amount of necrotic damage and actually killed his Tickle part, who ceased to exist as familiars do when they are destroyed. ~~Tippy~~ Inannyunot would have to Find him again when he got the opportunity, but he was a bit pre-occupied right now. This left Albert restored, uninjured, to his normal human form with the regular number of arms but still with two left hands.²

So far, things had gone fairly well for our friends but the tide of battle is a fickle mistress³. Shadrak cast Hold Person again, this time at Tasha, and she froze, unable to move while Harry Lime jumped up laughing and cast Sacred Flame at her, which she was in no condition to dodge. Inannyunot broke the Hold by hitting Shadrak with Magic Missiles, but Tasha's flow had already been interrupted and the opportunity to finish Harry Lime was lost. Albert came to the rescue, however, by leaving Mishak to Tippy and the Angels, running over and double-left-stabbing Harry Lime who collapsed in a pool of blood, dead.

Meanwhile Tippy had advanced on Meshak, who was already suffering from angel-burns, but stopped short and cast Silence at the spot where Meshak was standing. Then he continued to walk calmly towards the suddenly speechless Meshak. It was going to be cold steel against cold steel, hammer against daggers, but Tippy was going to be the one wearing armour and surrounded by angels. Meshak wisely fled and Tippy did not pursue him.

This left Shadrak who, despite chest wounds, wasn't ready to give up yet. There was something Fanatical about him and, although he had used some of his best spell slots, he still had a trick or two up his tunic. Realising that the wizard Inannyunot represented the greatest threat, for he seemed to be able to counterspell anything Shadrak might do, he threw Sacred Flame at the unarmoured mage and had the satisfaction of seeing his victim wince. It was the last thing he saw, though, as Tasha arrived and scored her first ever critical hit. It would be drinks in the bar later.

Tippy (Cleric-5; Hammer, Potion of Limited RetConning, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.) Inspiring Leader
Inannyunot (was Igoatunot/Ikidunot/Toothpaste/Macfeece) (Wizard-5 Conjurer with 3x/day headbutt attack; books, Oyster Shell)
Albert (Sinister Thief-5; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., TotM pole, Oyster Shell) Dungeon Delver
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-4 Battlemaster; Versatile Double Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.) Heavy Armor Master
Tickle (Juvenile Kraken, ~~Tippy's~~ Inannyunot's familiar; plenty of ink)

¹ Ziggurhats.
² You weren't expecting that, were you? Neither was I, to be honest.
³ If you're gonna mix metaphores, mix 'em good.

D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

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