D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

[BoldItalic]

Tickle swam slowly along the bottom of the loch, accompanied by Inannyunot who had cast Water Breathing on himself. He felt a little better now, and showed an interest in a passing shoal of twinklefish. But he wasn't hungry. Perhaps later. He was so tired.

The wizard touched him on one tentacle and pointed to a place where an arch of rock had made a small underwater cave. Half-buried in the mud inside the cave was a stone statue that radiated magic; it seemed to be a statue of a fish-god but without his books Inannyunot had no idea who the fish-god was or what he represented. Tickle didn't know either but touched the statue curiously. He felt warmth. It was a good kind of warmth. A voice spoke inside his brain. It spoke in the language of sea-creatures and Tickle understood, though he had never heard it before. "In Seven Days." said the voice. Just that. "In Seven Days."

"In seven days what?" wondered Tickle, but the voice said no more. He led his wizard friend up to the surface so that they could talk. Archie was paddling about nearby, amusing some tourists who were waving from the far bank of the loch, and they had a brief three-way discussion. Archie pointed out that the full moon was in seven day's time, but that didn't seem to be terribly momentous so they were a bit stumped.

Archie had some other news, though. The Macfeece (the real one, as Archie pointedly remarked) had agreed to allow Archie's 'wuzzarrrd frand' unlimited access to the Castle Feece library, which was housed in the north tower so that the books didn't get too much sunshine through the windows. If he wanted to work at night he would have to use magical light because naked flames from candles and so on were forbidden in the library, but that wouldn't be a problem, would it?

"Off you go," said Tickle. "I'll be okay. Thanks for getting me here, it's a nice loch and there are plenty of fish for when I get hungry. Archie will keep me company, won't you, Archie?"

"Oh, aye. Ye can help me frrrighten the taurrrists," he replied with a grin.

The castle library was large and Inannyunot soon lost himself in all the shelves of books. There was a sort of order to them but it took a bit of getting used to. They were organised by the length of the title, so ones with titles like "Xa!" or "She" were at the east end and ones with titles that were so long that they covered not just the spines but the front and back covers as well, in the tinest writing possible, were shelved far down at the west end.

One book caught his eye because it was clearly in the wrong place - it was called "The Sons of the Kings and Their Royal Titles" and it was the very last book on the very last shelf. Then he realised with a laugh why it was there - it was because all the titles listed for all the personages inside it - and as he flicked idly through the pages he saw many hundreds - counted as titles of the book. Someone had a sense of humour.

He was about to re-shelve the book when he paused because something he had seen for a brief moment as he turned the pages jogged his memory. He shuffled backwards and forwards trying to find it, and eventually spotted it near the bottom of a left-hand page. It was his own name. His true name, that he kept secret. A co-incidence, surely, but still intriguing for it was not a commonplace name. He read more closely.

In the tenth year of his reign, King Donald BlackHair married the raven-haired daughter of Argly Stonebeard, Thane of North Gruce. But on the eve of their wedding a foul hag cursed the couple and uttered a doom upon them: they would both die instantly the moment their first-born son drew breath. They warded themselves with many wards but the curse could not be broken. A boy was born, for whom they had already chosen the name ₼₼₼₼₼₼₼₼ but alas, with his first cry he sealed his own fate and made himself an orphan. Fearing that the king's brother Nonal would murder the infant and claim the throne, loyal courtiers smuggled him away and gave him new names. What became of the black-haired child is not recorded here but it is said that he will return to claim his kingship at the time of the first full moon after his thirty-third birthday.

"He must be the same age as me," mused Inannyunot, whose true name was also ₼₼₼₼₼₼₼₼. "We should get together ..."

"Or ..."

₼₼₼₼₼₼₼₼ began searching for other books. Especially ones that were on the wrong shelves ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Wow, where to start.



"What now?" asked Tasha.

From somewhere nearby, there came the sound of an evil cackle ...



......The rogue followed the sound of the constant cackling as was its job. To clarify the rogues job is not to specifically follow constant cackling because that would be a niche job, no indeed the rogues job here was to go first and listen and make safe in a very stealthy way. Although this could include but was not limited to cackle-following. The cackling was moving away from the Green Leopard and deeper into the shadowy woods. The rest of the party followed Albert.

"So is that the Concave 3 boomerang or Indented-Hearth Sidewing?" Jones carried on with his weaponry questioning.

"Shush Jones, we're going stealth."

"Not with those boots you're not. You see the Steel underplating scratches slightly on the heels and gives away your position within 50 yards unlike the Ferrow-Moulded Back-Heel with its.."

"SHUSH!"

"M'just saying."

"Well don't say anything. We need to be quiet"

"Probably should have invested in Delphin's Double-Insulated water-skins then, they wouldn't be heard sloshing around 30 yards away."

"Will you be quiet"

"Well at least I can be."

"It's quite obvious that you can't...."

Mike the miniature micromanaged multipurpose magician, cast Silence around the party and dulled his light cantrip

The three Hags jostled over who held the eye as they giddily spied their prey walking into their trap.......



Albert (Sinister Thief-5; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., TotM pole, Oyster Shell) Dungeon Delver
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-4 Battlemaster; Versatile Double Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.) Heavy Armor Master
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; three stones, griffon feather hat, 17 g.p.)
ClaW (Lobster; Tippy's ex-familiar; Boomerang) Magic Initiate
-Micromanage (ClaW's familiar; Mike. Miniature Human Wizard-½; Knobbly Staff, Pointy Hat)
Jones (Private; from stores and requisitions)

 

[BoldItalic]

Tippy rode through the castle gates just after mid-day and handed the reins of his exhausted horse to a nearby groom. Dashing up the steps into the great hall, he burst through the great double doors with a Strength Roll that would have done credit to an old-school fighter. "Your Grace!" he cried, seeing Cholmondeley seated with a group of people at the far end of an exceedingly long table, "I have something of import to reveal concerning the lady Terri!"

"Ah, Sir Theodore, you are here at last," replied the duke. "I believe you have met my former associates?"

"We have met, albeit briefly," acknowledged Foghorn with a nod. "You made quite an entrance when you came to the Awning Pothole, did you not?"

"Don't be too hard on the gentleman, Foghorn," chided Sister Jericho, "From the look of him, he has ridden through the night to be here, leaving his fellow-adventurers to follow on foot as best they can. Come, Sir Theodore, sit with us, take some refreshments and tell us this important news?" ¹

Tippy gratefully sat down with a clank, next to Ronni who helpfully relieved him of his helmet.² "Your grace," he began, "You must listen to this magic eagle." He pressed the eyes of the statuette and it played the voice of Terri relating her adventures, from her chance meeting with a sorcerer called Ballnard in an unidentified tavern, through her entry into the Warlord class, her use of Acererak's Wish in an unexpected way and her final disappearance in the cataclysm that ended the reign of the mad unnamed NPC named Bob Until. For a moment, there was silence around the table when the eagle finished the tale.

"They were all wiped out in the denouement? That sounds a bit fishy," suggested Keyes. "So how come Terri is still around?"

But Cholmondeley was barely listening. "We must find this sorcerer called Ballnard," he declared with a sudden finality that brooked no argument. One thing about being a duke, he had learned, is that when you eventually decide something, people automatically accept it; even if it is as complicated as how many fried eggs to have for breakfast or as simple as deciding whether the Mona Lisa is actually art or just a nice painting. The hard bit is guessing what they want you to decide.

Tippy sensed that everyone was looking at him expectantly. When Cholmondeley said we he obviously meant him. He was going to need help. Possibly from someone who could do some research. Possibly from someone who was somewhere near a library. He drew out his oyster shell, blew into it and put it to his ear. A confused babble of sounds emerged speaking in several voices at once.

... use the eight-foot pole ... not that way ... did I put the cat out? ... cackle, cackle, cackle ... come in Blue Leader ... Βρεκεκεκὲξ κοὰξ κοάξ ... the rightful son shall be known by his ... cackle, cackle, cackle ...

"Excuse me, your grace," mumbled Tippy, "I have to attend to something," and he bowed and left the hall. Something was wrong ...

---

¹ If you wonder why SJ was playing the hostess and by-passing Cholmondeley, who owned the place after all, it's because she already knew that Cholmondeley was traumatised by the sudden disappearance of Terri and wasn't capable of playing the host, so someone had to do it. She was thoughtful like that.

² He never did get it back. Odd, that.

 

[rgoodbb]

"Excuse me, your grace," mumbled Tippy, "I have to attend to something," and he bowed and left the hall. Something was wrong ...


.....Something was not just wrong. It was Pete-Tong. Bar De-Door Had found and hired the assistance of a Nineties MegamixMaster Dark-Bard called JON-PEETONG-WOSS. He was a master in sending mixed messages. Both audio and visual. They had finally dialled in on the frequency of the oyster shell and were running interference. Blue leader mixed with Gold leader, and when Magenta showed up, well the party really got started.......


.....The three Hags jostled over who held the eye as they giddily spied their prey walking into their trap.......

Völuspá, Urðr, and Skuld were not just three mere hags, but acted as such on their mortal visits. They loved playing games and they loved their mortal puppets. These were the the Norns. Both malevolent and benevolent, both of the humanoid world and of the world of the gods. The heroes closing in on them had little or no magic. About as mundane as a party as they could wish for: A Rogue Thief, A Halbard Fighter, A Stores Private and a.....Magic-Initiate-ex-familiar-Lobster-on-a-boomerang-with-a-miniature-wizard-Familiar. Well beggars can't be choosers.

Albert with his expertise, led them to the hag's cave. He dropped to one knee and gave silent hand gestures that the rest of the party responded to. Albert thought he was being cool giving these gestures that he knew absolutely nothing about but made him look like he knew what he was doing. The rest of the party thought they were being professional adventurers for pretending to know the what the signals meant and responded accordingly.

The run-up to the cave was not silent. Albert's steel underplating scratched slightly on his heels, and Tashas non-Delphin's Double-Insulated water-skin, sloshing about. All Private Jones could think is Don't say I told you so, Don't say I told you so, Don't say I told you so, Just Don't.

They entered the cave.........

 

[BoldItalic]

Blissfully unaware of Tippy's attempts to contact him, ₼₼₼₼₼₼₼₼, aka Inannyunot, had continued to read everything he could find about the son of Donald BlackHair, who might turn out to be him. As an aside, he had chanced to find an old spell book, almost crumbling away with age, and learnt the Fly spell from it. He'd always rather fancied knowing that and he tried it out by flying from the top of the library tower, out over the loch. Archie flew up to meet him.

"Hoots mon! Ye fly lak a naturrral birrrd!"

"Hi, Archie, thanks. I've got a favour to ask you."

"Och, aye?"

"There's a place called Thrumness, about a hundred miles north of here. Can you get me there by tomorrow?"

"Aye, I ken it. A desolate wee toon. What tak's ye tae Thrumness?"

"I've been reading about it. There is a contest held there every year on the day of the first full moon of the ninth month. That will be the day after tomorrow. The contest starts from Thrumness Point. Any man who can reach the Isle of Luin within one hour without getting his feet wet can claim the island as his rightful kingdom. I want to win it."

"An ye fancy a spot o' kangshap?"

"The last king of Luin was a man called Donald BlackHair, and I'm pretty sure I'm his son. So it should be mine anyway. It's meant to be an impossible challenge, of course. It's just over a mile out to the island and the currents in the strait are too fierce at neap tide for boats to cross. Only an idiot would try to swim it, even with waterproof boots on; he'd get swept away and dashed against the rocks. The only way is to fly, and I can just about fly that far with this new spell I've learnt."

"Uh-huh," responded Archie non-committally. "And this Danald?"

"Apparently, he hired a magic carpet from a genii called THAC0 and that was technically allowed but not regarded as very sporting by the townsfolk so they shunned him, and for a long time he reigned over an empty island. I won't make that mistake."

"Aye. But therrrre's samthang ye should ken ..."

"Tell me later!" cried ₼₼₼₼₼₼₼₼, and he swooped away to land in a pasture near the castle, to a total lack of amazement of Harrington who swished his tail and went on grazing.<sup>1

1</sup> Having never met Cholmondeley or seen his horse Harrington, it didn't occur to Inannyunot that there was something unexpected happening here. What is Cholmondeley's horse doing at Castle Feece? All will become clear later.

 

[BoldItalic]

Char-Ging rubbed her hands with glee and with what might have been an evil cackle. She knew that under an ancient statute, the King of Luin was obliged to pay taxes to his subjects instead of the other way around. She also knew that since the death of the last King of Luin thirty-three years ago, arrears of unpaid taxes had built up immensely. She looked forward to collecting them.

The Statute of Luin was so ancient that it dated back to the time of Hammurabi and was originally inscribed in cuneiform on a tablet of clay. By an entertaining co-incidence it was this very tablet that Inannyunot had in his possession after Albert had looted it from a Babylonian cultist. The evilness of it all was that by reading the tablet he was legally deemed to have agreed to everything on it even though he had only looked at the front of the tablet, which was all about bushels of wheat and astrology, and hadn't seen the Statute which was printed in very small writing on the back and covered by a sticky label saying VOID IF REMOVED.

Char-Ging's evil fingers itched with an evil itch as she gave herself an evil hug of evil glee and danced an evil tango diablo as she cackled evilly.

 

[BoldItalic]

They entered the cave ...

Albert led they way, cautiously sweeping ahead of him with his 8ft ToTM pole, moving it from side to side at ankle height in case of tripwires and tapping the ground every square foot or so in case of pressure plates. Tap ... Tap ... Tap ...

Following behind, her haldberd kept down because of the low roof in the cave entrance, Tasha trod as quietly as she could. Squeak ... Squeak ... Squeak ... went her boots.

"@@#@@##!"

Albert had slipped on a banana skin, thoughfully placed in the shadows just around a bend in the rocky tunnel. He picked himself up. "Just testing," he announced loudly, forgetting for a moment to whisper.

Private Jones, following Tasha, shouted at them to be quiet. A sudden "CRUNCH" came from behind him and he whirled around, drawing his sword with a whsloing, ready for any attack from the rear ...

... to see ClaW eating a snail he had found, shell and all. "Well, I haven't eaten since breakfast," the lobster said defensively. "Don't suppose you've got any pepper have you?"

Somewhere up ahead, Urðr tipped a mysterious powder into a bubbling cauldron that immediately frothed up and emitted a foul smell, like rotting seaweed. "Are we sure we want to do this?" she wondered. "It's not much of a challenge, is it?"

Skuld replied "We have to. The Fates have decreed that it shall be so. You cannot deny the Fates."

"But we are the Fates."

"Exactly. Whatever doom we pronounce, it will come to pass. It even applies to us."

"So, if I say Urðr is fated to receive a million gold pieces tomorrow, it will happen?"

"You've got the idea. By the way, what's in the mysterious powder?"

Urðr ahowed her sister the packet. Instant Lobster Soup - Just Add Lobster. "It's a new range, just in the shops."

"Smells awful."

"It's fifty percent off."

"You can say that again."

"It's fifty percent off."

 

[BoldItalic]

Tippy was confused. Without the oyster shells he couldn't contact his friends and the awful consequences of splitting the party were coming home to roost. He wandered disconsolately out into the courtyard of Southborough Castle. He was quested with tracking down a sorcerer named Ballnard Weird-Fingers but the only person who even knew what he looked like was Terri, and she was the very person no-one could find.

There was a small temple within the castle grounds and he went in there to pray to Isis for guidance. A Find Person spell would be rather useful, he thought, if such a thing existed. Isis explained that, yes he could have a Find Person spell but it only works on targets you can see while you are casting it; it helps you find them again afterwards, if you get separated. Was he sure that would help? Perhaps not, he admitted, though if he had realised a few days ago he could have cast it on Tasha and Albert. "Why not borrow the duke's horse and ride to Castle Feece?" suggested the goddess. "Better than staying here?"

Tippy though that sounded like a sensible thing to do, so he did that. It only took him three days and he only had one random encounter, which was with a flock of 1d8 Magellanic Penguins. Fortunately the duke's horse, Harrington, spoke penguin and after a brief conversation the penguins decided to follow them to Loch Feece. It sounded like a good place to spend the summer, waiting for the sea to freeze so they could walk home to Argentina.<sup>1


1</sup> The sea never did freeze, so they stayed on and became a local tourist attraction. The castle shop started selling toy penguins alongside toy Archies and the MacFeece o' MacFeece was given a medal for services to conservation. It just goes to show. Random encounters aren't all about combat.

 

[rgoodbb]

"I thought we were Norns." Asked Völuspá

"We are." Replied Skuld

"Then why did she call us Fates?"

"It's a good question."

"Well?"

"I don't know the answer"

"But I thought you said that we knew everything by the very reason we were Fates."

"Well you've now put that into question haven't you? so I'm not so sure now am I?"

"Uhm.....Yes."

"Good."

"So which are we?"

"We are not Witches!"

"No I meant are we Norns or Fates?"

"Oh. Uhm. Urðr!"

"What is it?"

"Are we Norns or Fates?"

"We are the Norns of Fate, and the Fate of the Norns rests upon us."

"----"

"It's all Greek to me."

"That's because you are not using the Norse Code."

"Get your coat."

"Yeah that was a stinker wasn't it?"

"No. Get your coat! Our quarry has vanished!..................."

 

[BoldItalic]

"No. Get your coat! Our quarry has vanished!..................."

"What has just happened is weird," said Urðr.¹

"The pity is, our sister Verðandi is not here. She always knows what is happening," replied Skald. "But, what ought to be, will be," she added cryptically.

"It's enough to give one an Edda ache."

"But we are the Norns. We set the fates of men. Everyone knows that!"

"No mention of female half-orcs, then. Or lobsters."

"True."

"What do you suppose happened to them?"

"Don't know, but they've dropped their oyster shells. We could have a listen."

"Go on, then."

---

Tippy found Inannyunot in the courtyard of Castle Feece. "The oyster shells have gone wrong and I've lost contact with the others," Tippy explained. "I commandeered the duke's horse and rode for three days to get here. We have a problem. The duke's bride has been abducted. D'you remember that eagle statuette that I swapped with Johnny? That held a clue to her past. We need to track down a sorcerer named Ballnard Weird-Fingers but the only person who knows what he looks like is Terri, and she is the very person we can't find."

Inannyunot consulted The Register of Missing Persons and found, indeed, that Miss Terri House-Tranger was listed as missing but there was nothing about anyone called Ballnard. He consulted the Register of Practitioners of the Arcane and there was a Ballnard listed but he didn't seem to be the right one because he was (a) fictional and (b) dead. Still, it was something to go on.

"I forgot to ask, how's Tickle?"

"Getting better. He ate a whole trout this morning. I think he likes it here. By the way, I have to make a trip up north tomorrow, Archie's taking me. Do you want to come?"

"Well, we'd better not get separated again. But what's the urgency?"

Inannyunot explained about Donald BlackHair, the contest for the Kingship of Luin and the significance of the full moon.

"I didn't know you could fly. You should have said something."

"I only found out how to do it today. There's some amazing stuff in this library."

"Any spells to find missing people?"

"Good thought. Let's go and look. The cataloguing arrangements are quite bizarre ..."

---

Bar-De-Door listened carefully. There were new voices coming through the ideophine that was hooked into the oyster shell frequency. They were talking in Old Norse, which was unusual. Quickly giving himself the ability to speak it, the Big Soap established contact with the Norns. Plots were hatched and plans laid. Little did our valiant heroes realise what they would be up against!

---

¹ Obscure etymological joke. 100 XP extra if you get both meanings.