D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

[Lanefan]

...they chose down, naturally, as downward lay the source of the thumping noticed earlier by Alber't'ickle - a source which to these evil folks was also their home. Their lair. Their place from where they hatched their evil plans and then watched those plans spread their tentacles out into society...or something like that.

Anyway, their very noisy lair was down there, so - after laying a few traps - down they went.

Meanwhile Alber't'ickle carefully led the others through the archway, into a room full of large boxes many of which had little lights on them - some blinking, some steady, and of many different colours though red and green were predominant. It was warmer in here than elsewhere.

Peering through the tall boxes Tippy saw beyond them a large number of people, each with a towel over one arm and a tray in the other, milling around as if they were simply killing time and somehow getting experience points for it. This puzzled the crew for a moment, until a realization came to Igoatunot:

"It's a server farm. Nothing to see here."

And so they trooped back to the blue-screen room to try another exit......

 

[rgoodbb]

And so they trooped back to the blue-screen room to try another exit......

Once they found their rout-er, the party entered an antechamber and here lied the endless stairwa. The endless stairwa both moved upwards and downwards. An endless bangin nois drew their attention downwards as they made their endless descen.

The Octo-thief saw them first. three eggs each with a letter imprinted on them. Together they spelled T.N.T.

"This is an explosive trap. It's been cleverly laid."

"Won't the hen miss them?"

"I suppose they could have been mislaid"

"Three eggs together could have done a lot of damage to us"

"Oiu." Replied Claude/Claw the French Lobster. "One egg is un oeuf."

The bangin was endless............

 

[BoldItalic]

A metal gate barred their way. Igoatunot looked up from the book he was reading, Schweizerdeutsch für den kleinen Zauberer, and recognised the situation immediately. "Kes problaam," he said confidently and voiced a few arcane syllables. There was a loud SMANG! noise as his Knock spell went off. He wasn't worried about the SMANG! bringing wandering monsters - it was lost in the banging noises coming from below anyway. There was a momentary pause, during which the gate slowly didn't open at all.

What did open was the ceiling. You see, it was a false gate and an equally false ceiling which Alber't'ickle had entirely failed to detect, much to his embarrassment. It was too late now for recriminations, though, as in a cloud of dust a flock of whacks swooped down from their hidden roost in the false ceiling. They were ceiling whacks.

If you have ever been attacked by an enraged flock of whacks, you will know what it is like. If you haven't, get a ping-pong bat and ask a passing stranger to be-labour you repeatedly over the head with it.

Alber't'ickle was the first to react. With his eight tentacles, he grabbed the nearest eight whacks by their tails and started knocking the others out of the air with them. Alas, the other whacks quickly reflocked to avoid him and the ones he was holding squirmed around and started biting him so hard that he had to let go.

The others were in trouble too ...

 

[Lanefan]

Clang clang clang clang clang clang clang - the whacks whacked away at Tippy's armour but just couldn't get through it to the soft squishy bits inside. He did manage to bring down one or two with his flailing hammer but wasn't making much of a dent in the numbers. His lobster was more effective; it launched itself on the boomerang which sliced through the whacks like wax before returning - only to itself clang off Tippy's armour.

Johnny, though getting whacked, brought down a few with his khopesh - and gained serious respect for the weapon in so doing. The thing just never missed!

Tasha's halberd was very useful in bringing the critters down at range; meanwhile Ha! could do little more than hide under Tasha and throw stones that only served to annoy the whacks even more.

Alber't'ickle was in trouble and sinking fast, so Igoatunot risked a sleep spell in his general direction - but of course he too was swarmed and the spell got interrrupted. And what's a good spell interruption for if not to trigger a wild magic surge, and so it did...and all the whacks were suddenly transformed into butterflies which harmlessly fluttered away. Tippy recovered his familiarized boomerang.

And sometime during all this the distant thumping, while still present, changed its cadence slightly.......

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-3; Hammer, unknown potion, 17 g.p.) - full h.p.
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Igoatunot (was Ikidunot, was Toothpaste, was Macfeece) (Wizard-3 with 3x/day headbutt attack; books) - 6 h.p. of 9
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-3; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink) - 3 h.p. of 18
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, 17 g.p.) - just a flesh wound
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; three stones, 17 g.p.) - full h.p.
Johnny (Human Fighter-3; magic khopesh that never misses, 17 g.p.) - 12 h.p. of 20

Xabatha (Dragon Mother of Dragon)
Flora (Chintz Dragon)
Mušḫuššu (Babylonian Dragon)

Bar De-Door (Ultimate Sticky Evil Tank-Level 5)
Char-Ging (Storm Sorceress-Level 4)
Ming-Vahz (Way of the Hair and Knitting Needles Monk/Multiclass-Level 3/X)
Kate (Enchanter Wizard-Level-2)

Footnote (Bard-College of sonic feet-Level 7) - very dead.

 

[rgoodbb]

And sometime during all this, the distant thumping, while still present, changed its cadence slightly.......

Cadence, changed slightly into Can Dance.

As the party slowly lowered themselves towards the basement. The thumping rhythm added bass notes and layered music that formed into Trance music. They rounded a corner. The large basement had been converted into a Trance/Dance club. Lights flashing, Hobgoblins, Skeletons, Drow and a dozen other humanoids were dancing or swaying to the music, arms in the air like they did not care.

Alber't'ickle's tenticles moved of their own accord. Swaying above him and picking up the beats. He had caught the crowd's attention. His Mottled skin changing colours with each beat. He moved and swayed his way to the mixing desk at the far end, rolled a natural 20 for performance and out-mixed the kobold music mixer. His eight tentacles adding many more layers to the music. This was his place. This was his time. The Octo-thief had become a Trancemaster...................

 

[Lanefan]

Char-Ging saw the kobold's place at the mixing board get usurped and realized the intruders she'd seen above had somehow made their way down here. Here, to the den of all evil. Here, to her home. This could not be sanctioned. Intruders must die.

She signalled Kate the Enchanter, who picked up a hidden microphone and started melding her wonderful voice in with the music, quickly entrancing almost everyone in the room other than the Drow (who were all so high on so many various chemicals it didn't matter anyway), her allies who had become well-versed in what their dangerous companion could do, one Hobgoblin and one Bugbear who somehow resisted, and the skeletons and other undead to whom charm held no meaning at all.

Johnny was lost in the music, and started dancing with some random skeleton.
Tippy was saved by the fact that his downed visor distorted sounds going in as well as coming out, but Claude soon learned what being a rock lobster really means and was immensely lucky not to be stepped on by various dancers as he made his way out onto the strobe-lit floor.
Igoatunot was saved only because he swore up and down that this wasn't in the book and therefore simply could not be happening.
Ha! realized what was Ha!ppening and that she Ha!d no chance unless she blipped off-plane and back, and so she did.
Tasha thought it all sounded hideous and started working herself up into a seriously bad temper...almost rage-like...
And Alber't'ickle, though not charmed, just thought Kate's voice was part of the music and mixed it in as best he could...and his best really was very good indeed.

Meanwhile Bar De-Door lived down to his name and did exactly that, moving behind the party and blocking the door they had come in through.

Char-Ging watched and waited, spells and tax forms at the ready.

Ming-Vahz strolled over to the dance floor. She had never forgiven that horrible lobster or its tin-pot owner for what had been done to her hair on that beach so long ago...and here they were, ripe for the plucking. Out came the knitting needles and on went the stiletto-heel shoes.....

Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-3; Hammer, unknown potion, 17 g.p.) - full h.p.
-- Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang) - charmed
Igoatunot (was Ikidunot, was Toothpaste, was Macfeece) (Wizard-3 with 3x/day headbutt attack; books) - 6 h.p. of 9
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-3; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink, a mixing board) - 3 h.p. of 18
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-2; Versatile Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, 17 g.p.)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; three stones, 17 g.p.) - full h.p.
Johnny (Human Fighter-3; magic khopesh that never misses, 17 g.p.) - 12 h.p. of 20, charmed


Bar De-Door (Ultimate Sticky Evil Tank-Level 5)
Char-Ging (Storm Sorceress-Level 4)
Ming-Vahz (Way of the Hair and Knitting Needles Monk/Multiclass-Level 3/X)
Kate (Enchanter Wizard-Level-2)

rgoodbb - nice job on picking up that this was going to be a disco, it's what I had in mind all along

 

[BoldItalic]

Then it happened. Alber't'ickle advanced the volume throttles up to full military power and pushed them right on through the gates. The afterburners kicked in with a roar and the whole room vibrated violently as it went through Mach 1. For a short time, skeletons were tossed in the air, hobgoblins were tossed in the salad, and Bar De Door was tossed in vinaigrette.

Then the vibration stopped suddenly and there was silence apart from the thrumming of mighty hyper-sonic engines thrusting the room ever faster towards escape velocity. The erstwhile dancers were pressed flat against the back wall as the g-force mounted steadily towards, well, quite a lot more than usual.

Tippy's visor became glass-like. With a practiced movement of his gloved hand he snapped it shut and sealed it. His armour began to inflate. He settled back into his crash couch and checked the displays. "Sep minus two fifer zero," he announced, "Burn nominal."

In the co-pilot's seat beside him, Tasha was talking to HAL, the on-board AI computer. It was going manic and she was trying to calm it down. It was obsessed with destroying humanity and kept repeating the same phrase over and over again.

"Error 255," intoned Bar De Door.

"Error 255," intoned Char-Ging.

"Error 255," intoned Ming Vahz.

"Error 255," intoned Kate the Enchantress.

Igoatunot consulted his manual of error codes and found Error 255 on the very last page. It said Error 255 - An unknown error has occurred. which didn't help a lot. He was tempted to throw the manual away but he didn't - he put it back on the shelf and cast Disguise Shelf so that no-one else could steal it.

Meanwhile, mission specialist Buzz "Alber't'ickle" Lightyear was busy stowing equipment in the payload bay airlock. He happened to glance out of the thick glass porthole and was horrified by what he saw. Where there should have been empty space was ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Where there should have been empty space was ...

......Dark. And they were pointing down. They had burrowed far, far under. In the Dark. They were of course in the DarkUnder. This was the dastardly plan all along. Create a tunnel so that every evil thing down here, could spill out up there. The crew exited their vehicle and were immediately assaulted with the worst sounding vocabulary.

"Obliblobgaltickflick."

"Aha!" Cried Tippy.

"What." said Ha!"

"No A-Ha!"

"I know what you are saying. I know you are not referencing me. I just want to know what the Aha! was for. I'm not stupid you know."

"Oh. Well of course not. Quite. Well I believe that this fellow (if indeed he is a fellow), is a Kuo-Toa. What is your name friend?" Tippy asked in DarkUndercommon.

"Schloopa-dedoopa. I claim you all now as my slaves."

"What did he say?"

"I think there are a few translation issues to sort out but I think we are his guests."

"You will be gutted and then sacrificed to the great sea mother Blibdoolpoolp"

"He's absolutely gutted that his mother wasn't here to see us personally."

"After your screams are heard by her, we will do the dance of many parts and shells upon your dried skulls."

"Uhm...Singing I think and.....Dancing.....and.........Hangovers ..maybe?"

"Ooh." Replied Mix Master, Trancemaster already thinking of new dance tracks.

It was at that point that three Hobgoblins and seven Skeletons groggily emerged from the vehicle.

"Flaplyjacklespanglyploop!"

Which Tippy roughly translated as...............................

 

[BoldItalic]

"Flaplyjacklespanglyploop!"

Which Tippy roughly translated as...............................a warning to everyone to Swim Away! Swim Away!

With a sudden roar of flames, the hypersonic dance chamber shot back up its tunnel taking the evil gang of four back to the surface world to continue their dastardly plans, leaving our heroes and heroines stranded far down in the underdark at the mercy of Kuo-Toa slavers where they would surely perish. *evil cackle*

Igoatunot cast Comprehend Languages on himself and realised that Tippy's halting translations were not quite capturing the subtle nuances of what was being said. With a telepathic nod of warning to Alber't'ickle, he declared that he was about to make a hostile move. Tippy immediately cast Protection from Poisson which had a dramatic effect; it transpired that this particular Kuo-Toa slaver had an entirely rational fear of sardine cans and the sight of Tippy and Tasha in plate armour was just too much for it to handle. It turned tail and fled down a side passage.

Then Tippy tripped over a large block of stone which somehow hadn't been there before. As he picked himself up, Tasha exclaimed "Look, everyone, it's a milestone! We are only XXIV miles from Tulsa!"

They took a short rest during which Tasha discovered a hitherto-hidden catch on her magic halberd that caused a second blade to spring out on the opposite end to the main one. She treated the others to a dazzling display of halberd-wielding maneuvers and they were most impressed. They had always thought of the halberd as a cumbersome weapon, ill-suited to close fighting, but what Tasha was doing with it was in a league of its own.

"My friends," quoth Tippy, "We are here in the Underdark in peril of our very lives, but we are not dismayed for we know that we shall ultimately be victorious." He went on like this for a good ten minutes and everyone felt truly inspired by his leadership. This was a side of Tippy's character they had not really seen before; somehow, his clumsiness became less of an embarrassment and more of a noble quality. You could respect a man who had the fortitude to overcome his physical limitations. The others applauded and felt they could take on anything.

"I have been thinking," began Alber't'ickle, "We have been fortunate so far, but we may yet encounter traps far more deadly than those whacks and, even so, I failed to notice the false ceiling that concealed them. We, that is my other brain and I, have found a way to combine our mental pathways to sharpen our awareness of traps and it will be our role to scout out tunnels and pathways ahead of you, clearing them as we go. Also, I can swim underwater."

Igoatunot put down a book he was reading called "How To Stop Going By The Book and Start Extemporising" and did what it said. "Comrades-in-arms," he began, "You don't need me to spell it out. We are going to have to depend on each other now, more than ever." At this point, he conjured a wooden box out of nowhere and from it he drew four oyster shells; he handed one each to Tikky, Tasha and Alber't'ickle and kept the fourth one himself. "These shells are magic," he explained, "If you hold your shell to your ear, you will be able to hear what each of the other three is hearing, however far away it might be. If we are unfortunate enough to be separated, we will always be able to talk to each other by speaking into our shells. Keep your shell safe and never let it leave your possession - if we can find your shell, we can find you."

A tunnel beckoned ...

Tippy (Cleric-4; Hammer, unknown potion, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.) Inspiring Leader
Claude (Lobster; Tippy's familiar; Boomerang)
Igoatunot (was Ikidunot, was Toothpaste, was Macfeece) (Wizard-4 Conjurer with 3x/day headbutt attack; books, Oyster Shell)
Alber't'ickle (Octo-Thief-4; 3 daggers, magic club, 26 g.p., plenty of ink, Oyster Shell) Dungeon Delver
Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-3 Battlemaster; Versatile Double Halberd +1 of Dragon Summoning & Sling, Oyster Shell, 17 g.p.)
Ha! Fling! (Hobbit of The Planes; three stones, 17 g.p.)
Johnny (Human Fighter-3; magic khopesh that never misses, 17 g.p.)

 

[Lanefan]

A tunnel beckoned ...

...and when no-one responded it got impatient and whispered "Psst! Guys! This way!", then beckoned again.

(meanwhile it was slowly occurring to Johnny that he never should have converted to the metric system - milestones were now meaningless to him, and the kilometerstone he'd just tripped over served to only hurt his toe while providing no benefit at all...)

And so everyone trooped into the beckoning tunnel, largely because it was the only possible way to go other than straight up - and nobody here could fly - and because it had suggested they do so, and as we've already seen these guys are rather susceptible to suggestions.

The tunnel went on for quite some distance, sloping down when it wasn't sloping up and bending left when it wasn't bending right, and eventually opened out into a massive great cavern. Most of this cavern was filled with a lake - but not just any lake, as we will see - and from somewhere in the distance across said lake could be seen a number of faint lights. The path continued along the lakeshore to the right.

Of greatest interest was the lake itself, for it was full of stuff. And not just any stuff, either, but the stuff of legend. Bad legend, in nearly all cases; for every time anyone anywhere had ever said "Oh, that's trash; throw it in a lake" it had ended up here...meaning this lake had over the ages become the repository for every bad idea, dumb invention, and REO Speedwagon record ever made. The lake water, which looked somewhat ashamed of itself, was gently rippled and examination proved it to be clear and cool.

As none of the party had water-walk capabilities (though Claude could in theory walk along the lake-bottom if needed) and swimming - particularly in Tippy's case - was out of the question, they had no choice but to follow the lakeshore path.....