EN World Short Story Smackdown - FINAL: Berandor vs Piratecat - The Judgment Is In!

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

When is the next one going to be held? I never even knew there were short story competitions on ENWorld. I'd absolutely love to enter the next one...and hopefully prove that gaming fiction can be just as good as any other kind of writing.

Generally, 2-4 times a year, depending on the availability of people willing to judge. So, maybe around October? We don't really plan them out; sooner or later someone pipes up with a 'Hey, we haven't done Ceramic DM in a while.'

 

[RangerWickett]

It was Brian.


“Kill it,” I whispered.

“Glad to,” said Groat, and he opened up with his flame thrower.

The best thing? As I read this story, Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know" came on. Hehehe.

My critique? When I first started reading, I assumed it was in New York, not Vegas, so I was surprised when they were suddenly in Vegas later. I guess I don't envision roaches in Vegas.

 

[Piratecat]

My critique? When I first started reading, I assumed it was in New York, not Vegas, so I was surprised when they were suddenly in Vegas later. I guess I don't envision roaches in Vegas.

A valid critique. My challenge was that I wanted a part of the country where a rural exterminator like Groat could live, but I still needed to show Times Square. New York City was out of the question for Groat, at least how I was picturing him. The New York New York casino in Las Vegas seemed like a pretty good substitute.

I did my research first, though; there are roaches in Las Vegas.

 

[Eosin the Red]

Hey Guys,

This is my first time to read any of these things and I only read the finals. Wow, kudos to both for crafting amazing stories. Per PKs request some feedback. Take it with a grain, I loved both these stories.

Comments
Berendor: Nice use of textual media with the quote blocks and faux computer prompts <<>> It lends strength to the story. Great use of word and sentence variability to break things up. Your sentences felt powerful. On the negative side, I didn't like the Matrix riff and felt the story would have been stronger if it stood on its own. It felt like a short cut to set the mood. Still, I wouldn't kick the story out of bed for eating crackers. Thanks for some entertainment.

P-Kat: Your dialog is fantastic. It reads as organic. You also demonstrate a great panache for characters. I got Shelly and Mickey quickly. Mr Blatti was eerie but cool. You also did just the right projection on the pheromone thing... not too thick and not too skimpy. I also loved the fun facts [acid spit, varieties of cockroaches, pheromones, smoking destroying sense of smell]. There was a little weakness on the close, "I went on for minutes..." but it took a some re-reading to find something that could be improved.

I am quite envious of these stories. They are both stunningly original and well written. Hats off.

 

[Piratecat]

You're kind. Thank you! Dialogue used to be my really weak point, so I'm glad to hear I'm getting better.

Boy, I can't tell you how much mileage I get out of reading all my dialogue aloud. Any time something feels awkward, I change it. Three or four iterations of that usually leaves me with something I can live with.

Incidentally, Berandor, I like the subtlety of using both V and Neo in your communications. Nice touch.

 

[Berandor]

Eosin, thanks!

[sblock]If you talk about the Neo login, the first draft (or maybe draft 0.5) had more online dialogue, and each time the "hero" would use a different revolutionary nick. In the end, I kept Neo and V.

This story is one that I'd really like to work on some more... making it way longer, for example, and probably mostly focusing on the "hero" of the piece. Though that would probably lead me to come down even stronger on him simply being a lunatic (who incidentially might do a good thing, who knows).

One thing I'm happy about is the parallels between his God and the king, how they both don't really listen, and when the hero acts (as with the king), he kills people. I also like the wide open end, but I'm not sure I could do it justice in such a short paragraph. Also, I might now make the ending into two online newsstreams running concurrently, ending with
> Everything is possible.
> He was wearing a golden crown (made of paper mache).
Or something like that.

I'd also like to explore whether the home/church/castle thing was really in the physical world or just "on another server" so to speak, i.e. another layer of the nanoverse.

And, is the king worshipped somehow? What does he actually do? Does he do good sometimes?[/sblock]

 

[Eosin the Red]

Ber,

I apparently missed the subtlety of the changing log-in "persona" there. As they say, that changes everything. Kudos.

 

[Berandor]

As they say, the writer should have done a better job But thanks!

 

[Piratecat]

Hey, judges! I should probably not check obsessively. Any guess when you'll have judgments up? Again, no rush. Just curious.

Thanks!

 

[arwink]

Sorry guys, my fault again. It seems like the only free time I'm getting these days are Saturdays, so this has been my first chance to check in and read. Currently writing up comments and getting them ready to send through.