Funniest Thing you have heard at the gaming table

[Zappo]

This is recent. Bear with me as I explain everything.

The day before yesterday, two players (call them Alex and Steve) were missing. Ok, no problem. At the end of the session, we talk a bit about the previous session where the party got hit by a Mordenkainen's Disjunction, and where Alex lost almost all his magic items except for a Ring of Shooting Stars. The Ring of Shooting Stars (despite its actual usefulness) is considered in our group as a stupid and worthless item, so the whole thing was fairly funny for everyone save Alex.

In any case, while talking with Alex absent, I jokingly said that to punish him for missing the session I would have had his last magical item, the Ring of Shooting Stars, stolen by a kender and used against him. Mind ya, it was in jest at the time, ok?

So yesterday, the following session, Alex is back and the party starts planning how to enter a big city. What follows is IMO a marvel of evil DMing.

Since the party includes a drow, a hobgoblin and a half-dragon, heavy Polymorphing is involved. Alex's character, a sorcerer, was being teased by Steve's character, the hobgoblin, and Steve didn't trust Alex, so many charades were played before he finally let himself polymorphed into a human. After that, Alex says "Ok, I Teleport him near the city, in a field".

So I ask Steve: "Do you willingly fail your save against Teleport?", to which he says yes.

Then I turn to Alex: "He's willingly failing the save. Do you really cast Teleport?"

An evil grin later, Alex is casting Polymorph Other and wondering aloud about which creature should be chosen. When I see he's considering a gnome, an evil plan springs into my mind, and I suggest him "a kender maybe?", and an enthusiast Alex turns Steve's hobgoblin into a kender.

Steve, not an expert on Dragonlance, doesn't know what a kender is, so I tell him. He, being a fast learner, immediately attempts to pick Alex's pockets, rolling a surprising 31. "What did I steal?"

So I pick up Alex's sheet, look for something a kender would find interesting, and lo and behold, there's a Ring of Shooting Stars, one of the most kender-baiting items around with all its flashy powers.

"Ok Steve, you've got the Ring of Shooting Stars. Noone has noticed anything."

"Cool! I use it on the sorcerer!"

...at which point everyone (save Alex and Steve) fell to the table laughing our respective behinds out, the other players astonished at my l33t manipulation skillz.

 

[Angelsboi]

I play a human girl named Bernedette (16) she is knoweldegable in Fairy Tales as she has never really adventured before. She befriended a 1/2 elf looking druid named Thane. She is a caller. Anyway, in Pelden's Helm, she met a wise old elf named Elliard. Thane was with her and Bernedette decided to see if he had any spells to help them. She found one and informed Thane to go tell thegroup she'd be late:

Thane: (Entering the inn) Bernedette will be late.

Timmay: Where is she?

Thane: With Elliard. They are researching something called 'Mount'

Needless to say, she is the butt of all the jokes now

 

[bensei]

"I think I name my warhorse Andy - Andy Warhorse..."

 

[Moe Ronalds]

Me (DM): Welcome to the town of... *checks adventure* (Cityname)! It has a General Store, a Healer, houses, some other stuff, and a general store!
Co-DM: You said General store twice.
Problem Player (PP): I go to the general store. (A rogue)
Co-DM: I follow him to keep him out of trouble.
DM: Okay, you see the store owner- a rather cantankerous old man with an expression as though he has a pole up his ass.
Co-DM: Sir, do you-
DM: NOT LITERALLY!!!
Co-DM: Aah.
PP: I ask him if he has any swords.
DM: No, this is a general store. We do not advocate adventuring or violence.
PP: Do you have any *short*swords?
DM: NO!
PP: Daggers?
DM: NO! Leave or I'll call the town militia.
Nercomancer: I walk in with my raven and spellbook and ask if he has any rotten meat.
DM: NO YOU FILTHY ADVENTURERS! OUT!
Druid: I enter with my wolf and ask if he has any wolf-food.
DM: Big store... The old man tells you all to get out.
Druid: I hit him [the old man] with my club.
DM: YOU WHAT!?
Druid: You heard me.
DM: roll to hit.
(By this time the Co-DM has left the room in a tizzy- not a bad idea.)
Druid: 20.
DM: Damage?
Druid: uh... 15.
DM: The old man falls to the floor in a gooey state of being.
PP (who by this time has gotten himself tied up through his own idiotic antics): I stab him!
DM: he's DEAD and you're IMOBILE. Also, the town militia has just showed up. You spend the night rotting in a cell.
PP: We don't even get a chance to fight??
DM: You're tied up. The Necromancer neglected to prepare any spells that day. The Monk had the sense to walk away and visit the mayor. As for the Druid, I think now would be a good time to mention that knocking out old men is a *very* chaotic act so...


................................................................................................
DM: Alright. You *I point at the same problem player as before* are being confronted by the town guard. You're under arrest.
PP: I attack him.
DM: With what?
PP: With my... dagger.
DM: Alright, make an attack roll against an AC of 18.
PP: hah! I got a 19!
DM: You've also got a 7 strength score...
PP: oops. I run away.
DM: It's not your-
PP: I RUN AWAY!!!
DM: You realize you're wearing armor, right?
PP:...yeah... and?
DM: And that the monk is a member of the town militia?
PP: So?
DM: ooookay...
Party Monk: I walk after him and...
..............................................
PP: I walk into the dungeon.
DM: You're the rogue, wanna check for traps?
PP: Not really.
DM: Okay, you-
Monk: Wait! If you want to not get caught take *really* hard steps on pressure plates. It'll help, seriously.
PP: Okay.
DM: *rolls a die* 5 damage. You're unconscious.
PP: No. I'm Not. (This guy has a look in his eye that shows you he's capable of anything. He suddenly grew 5 more HP. )
DM: Okay, you're not. You see a 6 foot tall, featureless gray behemoth in front of you.
PP: What is it?
DM: You don't know.
PP: It's a baby cloud giant!!!
*after a fight*
PP: I go into the corridor.
DM: You're dying, dude.
PP:*glares*
DM: Wait, just kidding! THat was... her! *points at little sister.* You see a hall lined with torches. Nailed to the walls are shriveled corpses that have had their upper arms, thighs, lower jaws and abdomens removed.
PP: I loot the bodies.
DM: *stares*
PP: I loot the bodies.
DM: You don't find anything. They're decoration...
PP: Does he have balls?
DM: Er... I guess.
PP: I take those...
..............................................................................................
DM: (this was in the sunless citadel. The original PP is absent. Have no fear, there's still Problem Player 2.) The leader sits on a raised throne. She is wearing long robes and is surrounded by an aura of command and menace. Several guards line up around her.
PP2: I moon her.
DM: You sure?
PP2: Yes. And I... poop on her!
DM: You sure you're sure?
PP2: YES!
DM: Ooookay. *flips through the PHB* She mutters something, and you find yourself caught in a large spider's-web.
PP2: Dude, I was JOKING!
............................................................................................
(Still in sunless citadel)
DM: The large, goblin like creature steps up to you and roars. I AM BALSAG!!!
*players burst out laughing*
............................................................................................
Co-DM (DMing this time): You walk up to the forest. In the trees there are several tree houses. You hear singing.
Me (the half-orc paladin wannabe): Okay, it's probably elves. I toss my weapons and armor aside and hold up my hands. I walk up and say "I COME IN PEACE!"
Co-DM: Make a spot check.
Me: *rolls a die* 16.
Co-DM: Alright, up ahead you see what appears to be a well armed elf maiden with long white hair.
Me: "Please, do not be threatened by me!"
Co-DM: She walks up to you. She has red eyes, and black skin.
Collective Thoughts of the players: daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

 

[F5]

Any party that has a character with a weasel for a familiar generates more unintentionally funny lines than I can count. "I can share touch spells with my weasel," says the sorcerer. "What you do on your own time is your own business, but I don't need to hear about it," says the half-orc fighter. Hilarity ensues.

 

[Asmo]

posted by Sejs:
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-"So why are we looking for their son in the Sunless Citadel?"
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This is a really good one

Asmo

 

[Silver Moon]

Funniest moment

The single funniest moment in our gaming group did not occur as a result of a gaming situation but rather a snack at the table. In our household my wife and I can never agree on milk, as I prefer the taste of whole milk or 2% while she goes for the healthier skim milk. Consequently, whenever either of us uses milk in a recipe we use the kind that we prefer ourself.

One day, a few weeks after our daughter was born, she cooked up a batch of brownies for the weekly game. After they were served the group began to devour them, complimenting her on how good they tasted. She then said "And they're even healthy for you, because I made them with my milk." As everyone began to either gag or spit out their food she realized what she had said, and quickly explained that she meant skim milk.

 

[La Bete]

for last sundays gurps traveller...

(background - for some reason the conversation had come around to toilet paper)

player 1: The great thing about being a Vargr (humanoid dog), is that you dont need toilet paper!

player 2: thats because you can lick your A

 

[yeebarr]

I wrote this in another thread but - what the hey - I still laugh everytime I think of it...

Our team bard kept having to write "dodge" on his knuckles just to remember he had the dodge feat. When he eventually plummeted 200ft to his death (after falling off a bridge) the team cleric lent over the edge of the chasm and yelled:

"Oh yeah! Don't forget to dodge!"

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Female newbie gamer (playing a lawful good cleric): Can we borrow some kobolds to scout ahead for us?
Queen Kobold: No! I cannot afford to lend you any more of my people!

(beat)

Newbie: not even a retarded kobold?

(OK - technically this wasn't very politically correct...but since the newbie was completely embarrassed as soon as she said it, we forgave her!)

 

[nameless]

We were holding sort of a "press conference" where the knowledgeable among the town were speaking their minds on the invading red dragon. An anonymous man in a hooded cloak walks to the front, so a tongue-tied member of the party says, "Remove your cloak and be heard!"

The problem was, he didn't enunciate properly, so it came out "Remove your cloak and beard!" So the DM, in a mockery, pulls off his fake hood, grasps at an imaginary beard, and tears it out by the roots, with screaming accompaniment...