Help me build the worst characters ever conceived for a drunken one-shot adventure

[cr20_Pseudodragon]

A while back I read an idea for a DnD drinking game (sorry to have forgotten your name Mr. Internet Person, you are an evil genius). You start with a stack 30 or so of terribly-built 1st-level characters, everyone grabs a character sheet, and the DM throws your party of misfits against very-low-CR encounters. When your character dies (which happens quite often), the DM grabs a new character sheet and joins the party, you finish your drink and you become the new DM. And you keep this up until you are too drunk to keep playing and/or you run out of characters.

The guy who suggested this idea told some crazy stories about almost TPKing to a beached whale or a log over a river (half of the party drowned). Here's a few of the misfit PCs that I remember from his stories:

• A barbarian with high strength and a Con of 4 who is too proud to wear any armor
• An old granny who fights with a frying pan
• The Wicked Witch of the north-northwest who melts when she comes into contact with water
• Thannibal Lector who fights with a knife and fork and tries to sneak away with the corpses of any dead humanoids that are handy

This is where I need your help! I need more character concepts or encounter ideas. Bonus points for dumb puns, like encountering skeletons in a closet. We're celebrating two birthdays, so I really want to make this fun. And I promise to come back and post my crazy stories afterwards.

 

[Celebrim]

Delusional Wannabe Wizard - He has a 9 intelligence and no spells, but the thinks he works magic. He's armed with rotten eggs and bags of bat gauno and goes around yelling 'Fireball!'

Zero Wisdom Thief - He has an 18 dexterity, but a 3 wisdom and severe vision empairment. He's all the time attempting nefarious deeds with the greatest of stealth, because he has no idea who is watching him or who he is stealing from.

The Blind Swordsman - He's a blind swordsman. He doesn't have blindsense, tremor sense, or supernatural hearing. He's just a blind swordsman with a very sharp sword and no sense of direction.

Adventuring Impaired Cleric - Yes, the saintly old man does have the wisdom of his years, a kindly heart, and a direct line to his diety. But he's going to need it, because he only has a 3 str, 3 dex, and 3 constitution.

The 400 lb. Ninja - He's a real ninja. But he hasn't been out in a while, and he's got 250 lb's of encumbrance when he's just wearing a loin cloth.

The Hemophiliac Man-at-Arms - He's as stalwart and brave as any man, and anxious to prove it. He just has a minor occupational disability for a man in a line of work involving sharp objects.

The Bard - He's a bard.

 

[Traveon Wyvernspur]

The Rapping Bard with a CHA of 6, goes around "rapping" about his battles and thinks himself a true ladies man.

The Grizzled Vet - 75 year old retired Warlord with a STR/CON/DEX of 7 and thinks he still has it in him to beat up on the young whippersnappers and upstarts.

The not good at range Ranger - Low DEX one-eyed Ranger who thinks that he's the best archer in town even though he can't hit the side of a barn from ten feet away.

The Narcissistic Paladin - Has a high CHA, but very low INT/WIS and even in the middle of battle he has to look at himself in the mirror or nearest surface that shows his reflection. He'll stop in the middle of swinging his sword to go look at and coo over himself.

 

[Living Legend]

I would like to propose a RIFTS version of this game. The situations would be a little less mundane, but I think the spirit is there

The crazy: that has extreme OCD, he has to gather up each and every shell casing on the battlefield IMMEDIATLY

The juicer: who's drug pack is malfunctioning and set to only release muscle relaxers

The glitterboy: who is 12 years old, and his power armor is equipped with the newest iphone and he can't be bothered with anything else

The cyberknight: who is a were-lemming that changes forms whenever violence breaks out

The borg: who passes out at the site of blood

 

[malcolypse]

How about a wizard with an extreme intelligence score, but no wisdom to speak of. Very proud of his brains, to the point that he will only use the spells Dancing Lights, Ventriloquism, and Magic Missile. You know, because with his advanced intellect, he can win any encounter with some combination of them.

 

[Living Legend]

How about a wizard with an extreme intelligence score, but no wisdom to speak of. Very proud of his brains, to the point that he will only use the spells Dancing Lights, Ventriloquism, and Magic Missile. You know, because with his advanced intellect, he can win any encounter with some combination of them.

magic missile is too easy, swap it with grease or maybe light or alarm and now you're talking.

 

[trancejeremy]

The Hollow World has a race of depressed, Goth-like Elves.
Also, Smurfs (called Cubitts).

Both good choices.

 

[Halivar]

An assassin modeled on Fluttershy from "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic."

/tap /tap /tap "Ummm? Excuse me... I would like to death-attack you, and I wanted to know if that was okay with you first?" /squee

 

[jedavis]

The Hobbit - He's just a hobbit who, until recently was leading a perfectly peaceful life in a hobbit-hole, as most hobbits do. Prone to eating during encounters, no combat skills to speak of, and a bit on the heavy side. Also barefoot, hence particularly vulnerable to caltrops and other terrain dangers.

 

[jonesy]

Ranger/Summoner Mystic Theurge.

A gnome Hexblade with 5 charisma and strength.

Make a character whose actual alignment reads "lawful stupid".

Awakened shrubbery.