I love my friends but I want to kill one of them, Help me.

[Olaf the Stout]

What exactly happened between the 2 of you to turn your relationship from friends to what it is now? You said that you were friends with him before but you don't like him now.

Olaf the Stout

 

[warlord]

Ugh, this is gonna sound really bad but I kind of had a thing for his girlfriend before they got together and he acted like he was looking out for me and told me not to try anything. And sure enough a month later I find out they're dating. On top of the manipulation these two had a really bad break-up the first time and now she's dating him again. She's one of those girls who needs to feel validated and apparently stumbling into her room at 2am muttering "i love you" counts these days. All in all I don't wanna see her get hurt and I can't sit there on watch it happen. I figured I could try and change things but apparently that makes me an ass. So I'm thinking I should just disappear for few days and gradually reform relationships with the people in the group I actually like.

 

[LightPhoenix]

Ugh, this is gonna sound really bad but I kind of had a thing for his girlfriend before they got together and he acted like he was looking out for me and told me not to try anything. And sure enough a month later I find out they're dating. On top of the manipulation these two had a really bad break-up the first time and now she's dating him again. She's one of those girls who needs to feel validated and apparently stumbling into her room at 2am muttering "i love you" counts these days. All in all I don't wanna see her get hurt and I can't sit there on watch it happen. I figured I could try and change things but apparently that makes me an ass. So I'm thinking I should just disappear for few days and gradually reform relationships with the people in the group I actually like.

Well, that's too bad, but that doesn't make it your business. The guy may be a total (insert expletive of choice here), but here's another truth for you: you had a thing for her, and didn't act on it. She made a choice to date him, twice. Getting involved does make you an ass, and he's right to be bad-mouthing you, regardless of him. It doesn't matter that you're jealous (and you are, so don't call it anything else), you need to back off.

You probably think at this point I'm an ass too. Fair enough, but the truth needed to be said.

Now, I know that it sucks seeing stuff like this, because I've seen it over and over, in girls and in guys, in friends and crushes. However, you have to let it go. For one, college is a learning process - and part of that is (hopefully) knowing good relationships from bad. For another, she's adult-ish and certainly capable of making her own decisions, for better or worse.

Finally, I know you think of yourself as the nice guy, and that makes it worse, but letting yourself get hung up over this prevent you from exploring other opportunities. It's not a mean thing to turn your back on someone when it's preventing you from growing and learning and experiencing life. Hopefully she'll realize he's a jerk, but you shouldn't put your life on hold for her.

I don't know if you'd consider apologizing to the guy (and the girl), as it might smooth things over a little. Ultimately, it's not fair to make your mutual friends choose between you, and they've made it clear that's not going to happen anyway (a good thing).

Good luck with things... these situations suck.

Oh, and stop smoking!

 

[Oryan77]

Ugh, this is gonna sound really bad but I kind of had a thing for his girlfriend before they got together

Trust me on this man, if you were meant to be with that girl, she'd be dating you right now instead of him. She knows you exist and if she is dating him (twice) and not you, then it's not meant to be.

Believe me when I say this: when you find a girl that falls in love with you without you needing to convince her (like you're attempting to with this girl), you'll be so much happier and floating on clouds than you'll ever be if you manage to worm your way into this girls love life.

I'm wondering now if the reason you don't like this guy has to do with jealousy? Forget about him dude. You're in college, there's plenty of chicks around that you could be working your mojo on instead of this girl. Respect yourself more and don't meddle with this guys relationship. And don't be this girls "second choice" either. You should be on the prowl for a girl that will want you as her first choice.

 

[Arbiter of Wyrms]

Warlord,
I totally support you in this and offer you every condolence. I've played every different role I can think of in the scenario you're going through and I can say that I wouldn't choose to go back to any of them.

That said, LightPhoenix is right on every count.

Follow this advice as closely as you can manage. Incidentally, since I can only imagine that it is a matter on concern for you, she will eventually figure out exactly who the captain is on her own and you will almost certainly not be vindicated in hers, or anyone else's eyes, nor will you feel vindicated (the other possibility is that she will not figure out who he is, in which case you can count your lucky stars that you didn't end up with her).

These sort of situations are inherently unsavory and the winner is the one who worries least about them. Apologize to the Captain for interfering with the relationship. Apologize to her for pushing the issue after your initial assertion to her that they were ill-matched and acknowledge that your interest is selfish - it is more for your own benefit that you want to break them up than for hers - that's fine and normal and right if you acknowledge it to at least yourself.

Parenthetically, if you never did express this to her explicitly, you can make that a part of your apology: "Jane, I apologize. I tried to interfere with your relationship with John because I think that you two make a terrible couple, that he's all wrong for you; because I felt betrayed by him because he knew that I was interested in you when he first pursued you, and honestly, because I still think that you and I would be great together. The truth is, I acted like an ass, and I'm sorry. I respect you enough to know that you can make that decision for yourself, and from now on, I'm going to stop being a jerk by acting like I know better than you do what's right for you."

Be the bigger person.

Be sincere in your apologies to both of them.

Acknowledge to yourself the overall lack of success in the strategy you've used.

Move on.

Hang out with the rest of the group and be civil, even cordial towards the captain. You don't have to pretend that you are still best friends, that you like him, or even that you think he should go on breathing. Treat yourself with enough respect to treat others with politeness no matter what.

Then post here again and let us know how it worked out. ENWorld is a community and we give a rip about one another - even those whose opinions on game design differ from my own and are therefore wrong.

 

[moritheil]

Parenthetically, if you never did express this to her explicitly, you can make that a part of your apology: "Jane, I apologize. I tried to interfere with your relationship with John because I think that you two make a terrible couple, that he's all wrong for you; because I felt betrayed by him because he knew that I was interested in you when he first pursued you, and honestly, because I still think that you and I would be great together. The truth is, I acted like an ass, and I'm sorry. I respect you enough to know that you can make that decision for yourself, and from now on, I'm going to stop being a jerk by acting like I know better than you do what's right for you."

Also, don't hold out hope that this will get you anything. I believe Arbiter did not have that in mind; I'm just underscoring the point.

Incidentally, assuming you're right and Captain F stole the girl from you, he has still done you a huge favor in revealing this sort of behavior: it would be much worse if he stole your wife or company later in your life. I'm not arguing you had any sort of right to the girl, but if he was really your friend he would have admitted he was interested as well.

I don't personally believe you should go out of your way to be fake towards Captain F, but I will echo the sentiments of those who posted that you should not be vicious or mean.

 

[warlord]

As of now I've decided to avoid the Captain. I still can't deal with him but have made an informal break from my group of friends. I realized that if spend all my time with these people and pay the most attetion to the only girls with boyfriends it'll end bad. I'm really not a girl-stealer but I just tend to get along better with women. I'm effeminate and sensitive girls feel comfertable around me. Unfortuneatly this usually translates to "I'm trying to steal your girlfriend." in the eyes of her boyfriend. That aside I'm not gonna making them choose I'll be there if they need me. I'm even considering investing in a Warlord-Signal. On a happier note in efforts to move on I found this girl who thinks I'm "sweet" any ideas on how to progress beyond this point?

 

[Arbiter of Wyrms]

I found this girl who thinks I'm "sweet" any ideas on how to progress beyond this point?

Ask her: "Who have you been talkin'g to? I've heard that I'm sweet, but you've never even had a taste."

 

[Tewligan]

Ask her: "Who have you been talkin'g to? I've heard that I'm sweet, but you've never even had a taste."

Urp! Arbiter, you just made me throw up in my mouth a little!

 

[warlord]

Tewligan, I don't taste that bad. Unless of course the taste of cigarettes makes you puke. Then I do tatse that bad.