D&D 5E Tales From The Awning Pothole

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We meet again, thought Bar-De-Door. Or, in some cases, for the first time. I believe you know my consort, Ming Vahz?

"Seperatus Ejaculatus" Chimed twenty Temlars at the ready behind Bar.

"Pfffhaaahahaha!"

"Splitatious de Partus"

"What a load of..."

"Severous lom Limbus."

"OK now you're just boring me."

But before they knew it. The unified five were no longer one. They were their separate five selves again. Within this great hall there were twenty High Templars, twenty Half Giants and a dozen other individuals that didn't look friendly as well as Bar and Ming. The grand double doors slammed shut with an echoing boom. They were trapped.

"......Uuuuhm.................Hi.............uhm...........Tasha?" Stuttered Albert.

Tasha began laughing. It was a dirty laugh, a nasty laugh. It was downright hideous. Tasha looked at a couple of the other individuals in the room. They took on a dragon-esk appearance. From her research, she guessed these two to be Sorcerer Kings from other cities. Her laughing ceased immediately and she saw their snarling smirking scaly snouts widen. Tasha burst into a uncontrolled mad laugher. This was it. This was really it. Well............................

 

[BoldItalic]

"I spend my plot point," said Albert's player quietly. Everyone around the table looked at him in amazement. "I didn't know we were playing plot points," said Adeliva's player, who was also ex-DM Jones, "That's cool. What are you going to do?"

"How about I declare that this is all an illusion and, as magic can't reach our bodies, we can't have been separated into them?"

"You could say that the templars shouldn't have cast those spells because we haven't rolled initiative yet."

"Nah, that's just nit-picking. We want something awesome to happen. How about, being dissolved was so stressful that we gain some devastating new powers?"

"How about, reinforcements suddenly arrive? Tippy and Jones and the others arrive on the back of Xanatha, who's been warned by Mušḫuššu?"

"A big show-down. I like it."

"Can we get the Awning Pothole crew as well? Foghorn and Sister Jericho and the three rogues?"

"What all of them? It'll take forever to get through one round with all that many characters in the room."

"We might only need about two rounds."

"Fair point. Okay, let's bring in everyone for a grand finale."

"Can we have Penelope the kraken? Tickle's mum?"

"There's no water in the palace, is there?"

"We could make some. An earthquake causes the palace to sink slowly into an underground lake?"

"Maybe afterwards. It sinks into the lake, Penelope appears and demolishes the entire city."

"That's pretty final. Good cinema."

"Okay, so are we all agreed, all the past characters turn up and we have a huge combat?"

"Sounds good. Any gods on our side? Marduk? Isis rooting for Tippy?"

"Foghorn has Thor and sister Jericho has Athena. They should be worth something."

"I don't think they do gods much in Dark Sun."

"True. Okay, no gods. Except Jones. He's a demi-god."

"Right, so on round 1 we have Tippy, ClaW and Mike, Jones and Ha! with baby Iggy all turn up suddenly, riding in on dragons to even up the odds a bit. How many dragons shall we get?

"There's Flora and Archie, Mušḫuššu and Xabatha. Enough for one each for Tippy, Claw, Jones and Ha!, I reckon."

"That works. They could be like the 5th Cavalry, arriving in the nick of time."

"Cheesy. But in a good way."

"Maybe Iggy has grown up now and we discover what the fourth eye does."

"Nice one."

"I like it. Then on round 2, we have Foghorn, Sister Jericho, Ronni, Keyes, and Knife all piling in. How do they get here? We're out of dragons?"

"Jones requisitions them?"

"Cool. Hey, we're forgetting someone. What about Cholmondeley?"

"He's still sulking in his castle because his woman left him."

"Okay. Seems a shame, though, I liked Cholmondely. Couldn't he gallop in on Harrington?"

"What? We're in a city in the middle of a burning desert!"

"Oh. Okay. It was just an idea."

"Jones could include him in the requisition."

"That works. Let's do that."

"All agreed, then?

There was a general nodding of agreement around the table, and then five voices in unison cried:

Roll For Initiative!​

 

[rgoodbb]

Roll For Initiative!​

"Positions everybody positions." Shouted Tasha

The two guest Sorcerer Kings: Nibenay, The Shadow King of Nibenay, and Tectuktitlay, The Master and Father of Draj whispered to each other using the Way.

What's my motivation again?

Well if these invaders sack this city, we have to pay up more slaves to cover its loss.

So....what's my motivation again?

Never mind Nibs, just fight.

So....No Social interaction pillar, or monologue?

Just......Fight!

Oh OK.


"OK numbers people who got what. Wait who's rolling for the bad guys?" All the while Tasha was hoping she rolled high so that she could summon all those dragons soon and with them Jones to get Foghorn with his Mr Choppy Chop, +3 Vorpal Battleaxe of Thunder, and Sister Jericho with her Ring of Invincibility and her Her bronze mirror shield Rebound. These were heroes of Legend, but so are we now. It would be good to have two clerics in the house. Jericho and Tippy would keep everyone alive she surmised. I hope I don't mess up my initiative roll, was her last thought as the battlefield erupted into combat.


Tasa's Player - So I rolled a.............

 

[BoldItalic]

What's my motivation again?

Oh, for pity's sake. We have to stop the invaders sacking the city!

But they aren't going to sack it. They're going to destroy it. You heard all that talk about earthquakes and krakens.

That makes it worse !

No, if they destroy the city, we won't have to pay thousands of slaves in tribute because there'll be nobody here to demand them.

What?

We're better off letting them do it.

Have you been charmed? You look a bit pink around the ears. Was it that Footloose fellow, with the baggy trousers?

Nah. He's not my type. No, I'm changing sides.

What? That's treachery!

Yes, and? We're evil. We do treachery. It's what my character would do.

I'll have to fight you!

You can't. I've got the Slaven of Estramos.

What? Where did you get that?

Shan't tell.

Look, if you're changing sides, and you end up winning, where does it leave me?

Up to you.

Do you think they have a chance?

Put it this way. Every time Bar-De-Door and Ming Vahz have fought the Awning Pothole crowd, they've lost. Hundred percent. They even lose when the Norns fate them to win and that takes downright stupidity. This time is no different, and the big league is pitching in against them too. How many dragons has your side got? How many totally invulnerable clerics?

We have the templars?

All twenty of them. Big deal.

There are hundreds more outside. We have reinforcements.

The doors are locked. You're not getting any.

True. Bad move, that. Locking the doors. Look, I'm not saying I agree with you, but ...

 

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As the fight broke out, It was soon becoming obvious that battle-lines and loyalties were askew. Blurry even. The Sorcerer Kings were now attacking the enemies. This did not make any sense.

Albert seeing an opportunity, started to individually grab each of his comrades and move them further and further away from the battle until the entire party was just standing on the sidelines watching this weird combat unfold. He then went to the doors and deftly unlocked them.

A quiet word in the High Templar's ear, who was waiting for the call behind the door, and she let the party leave. The reinforcements all piled into the battle taking on the power of two Sorcerer Kings who were completely dumbstruck.

How the Kank did this happen? Why did I even listen to you?

Uhm.......not sure on both counts.

We're in a right old mess here. How do we proceed?

Uhm.......Not sure.....Again.

How in the blazes did you ever run a city Nibs?

Uhm.......N

Never mind. Oh goodie, they've brought a Braxat horde

Tec?

What is it Nibs?

Goodbye Tec.

No. You didn't. You're not clever enough. Oh. Oh my. Well played Nibs. Well Played

As the Horde of charging Braxat entered the fray, The party exited stage left. They departed the bizarre city of Tyr and walked slowly towards the crimson Sun.....

 

[BoldItalic]

As the sun set over the featureless sand sea, Adeliva requisitioned some sleeping bags, a ten-gallon water drum and a week's supply of rations for five. Then Goatee cast Leomund's Tiny Hut over them and they all had their first proper meal in days and took turns to rest.

Adeliva's breathing as she slept was like the sound of the wind in the trees, whereas Footnote snored musically in a sixteen-part fugue. Tasha, Albert and Goatee stayed on watch for a while and chatted quietly.

"We were outnumbered there but, thanks to Albert we escaped without a scratch," observed Tasha, "although the situation remains unresolved."

"You're not suggesting we go back, are you?" wondered Goatee. "Can't we just go home and leave it all behind?"

"Albert, stop fiddling with that, and tell us what you think," called Tasha. "And by the way, what is it you're playing with?"

"It's just something I grabbed as we were leaving. Didn't want to leave entirely empty-handed. It's the Slaven of Estramos that Tippy's been looking for. One of those sorcerer kings had it. I'm trying to work out what it does."

"Can I take a look?" offered Goatee, "I could do an Identify if you like."

"Sure. I'm not getting anywhere."

Goatee took out a crystal lens and peered at the Slaven quizzically for a while. He gave a low whistle. "I'm not surprised you couldn't figure it out, Albert. But I'm surprised a sorcerer king had it. It only works for clerics. Maybe he was secretly a cleric himself. It gives the cleric who attunes it extra spell slots, as if he was 20th level, even if he is much lower. So for a low- or medium-level cleric, or anyone who level-dips Cleric-1, it's an awesome thing to possess. But there is a drawback."

"There's always a drawback. Go on, then, what is it?"

"You become evil."

"Ah."

"Do you think Tippy knows?"

"I don't think so. I hope not. I suppose, really, we ought to destroy it if we can. Or Tippy must destroy it. Do you remember he said he had to go on some sort of quest connected to it? Maybe he has to go on a holy quest to destroy it somehow."

"Maybe the whole reason we had to come to Tyr was not to defeat Bar-De-Door at all, but just to recover this thing. We could have got it by defeating all the sorcerer kings, but we didn't have to, after all."

"Maybe. It's an interesting thought. But we do need to get home somehow, anyway. Any thoughts on that, Tasha?"

But Tasha didn't reply. She had detached and was mentally talking to her mentor.

You have done well, Tasha. Melding with the others to form the entity you called 'Us' was an important step on The Way. You are ready for the next step.

What do I need to do?

You already know how to move around over short distances, and to take the others with you. Next, you must learn to jump great distances, across planes and from plane to plane.

Our friend Ha! Fling! could do that. To shift planes, that is. Is that what you mean?

More than that.

This is getting scary.

You will grow accustomed to it. I want you to think of a place you know, far away in another land. Try now.

I'm thinking of the village where I grew up.

Good. Now, before you jump there, you must be ready to come back. Focus on the scene here in the Hut. Try to memorise it accurately.

Albert and Goatee are sitting beside me, Adeliva is asleep in her sleeping bag over there, Footnote is singing in his sleep over there.

Good. Now we are going to make the jump to your village, I'll come with you. Then immediately, we're going to jump back here.

But how do I actually make the jump?

Like this.

Oh. I was there, just for a moment. Now I'm here again. That was two jumps? What happens if I just make the first jump and stay there?

That's what you will do in the morning. Form the entity, then jump to wherever you want to go. You will all go together. Then you can split up and really be there. It's as simple as that.

Before, when we dissolved, we all ended up back where we started. Out bodies hadn't moved.

Think about what happened in the sorcerer king's palace. When the templars forced you to split. You appeared in your own bodies. Your bodies had moved with you. Now that you have experienced that once, you can do it for yourself.

Yes, I see. This is all a bit mind-blowing.

You will get used to it. It just takes practice.

"Tasha? What's going on? You vanished for a moment, there. Are you doing invisibility?"

"Sorry, Albert, I didn't mean to scare you. I know how to get home. I was just trying it out."

"Oh. Good. I've been wondering about that. Do you mind if I get some sleep now? It's getting late."

"Yes, you two get some sleep. I'll keep watch. Goodnight."

"G'night Tasha."

 

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Foghorn fixed a hungry, unsatisfied Mr Choppy Chop back up on the wall behind the bar, Sister Jericho dropped Rebound down beside her. Of course it almost took her out with the bounce back, but she was used to taking the dodge action every time she dropped it now.

"I just had a thought that.....An inkling that.... I might be needed somewhere. How strange."

"Me too. I'm glad I have retired."

Ronni the Rogue, Keyes the Thief and Knife the Assassin wished they hadn't retired. They had gone too early, the pension and lump sum was just too good and there was little financial point in carrying on. But they missed the action. Wow did they miss it. Ronny tapped her toes and bounced her knee in boredom. Keys jingled her skeleton keys repetitively, and Knife, well knife had taken up marquetry in her downtime and was busily etching and cutting and adding to a landscape scene on one of the tables.

This was all very boring..........

 

[BoldItalic]

Foghorn stared morosely into the distance. "I wonder what became of that Macfeece chap we hired? You know, the wizard who did everything by the book. We sent him out to find Flora but he never came back."

By an amazing coincidence¹, just at that moment, the entity that called itself Us teleported into the bar and dis-integrated with a sploogh sound into five grizzled-looking adventurers looking pleased with themselves. "Here I am," announced Goatee smugly, "Right on cue. I brought some friends along."

"You could have just used the door," sighed Foghorn. "Most people are proficient in doorhandles."

Keyes stopped doing what she was doing and walked over. "If it isn't young Albert. I see you've fallen back on the old false-hand trick. Not very original, is it? And what's this?"

"Er .. it's a thing Tippy's been looking for," replied Albert, unaccountably intimidated by Keyes and wondering how she got the Slaven out of the hidden secret invisible concealed pocket that he had specially sewn inside his jerkin with double flaps and triple padlocks.

The moment that Keyes held it up, the evilness of the Slaven hit sister Jericho like a punch in the face. "GET IT OUT OF HERE!" she shrieked, dropping a tray of priceless crystal goblets with a very expensive crash and hastily casting Protection From Everything. "By Athena, you should know better than walk around carrying a thing like that!"

Startled, Keyes dropped the Slaven like a hot potato and it bounced across the floor. It rolled ... it rolled ... it rolled ... into the open pothole! There was a plinkity - plinkity - plinkity - plinkity - plunk sound as it bounced off the sides and fell right to the bottom.

Then there was an evil chuckle from somewhere down below in the pothole.

"I know that evil chuckle," said Tasha, who had proficient in laughing. "That was Bar-De-Door's evil chuckle! Quick, we mustn't let him get away with the Slaven!"

At the naming of Bar-De-Door, the room was suddenly electrified. Foghorn grabbed Mr Choppy-Chop and leapt over the wooden railings into the pothole, closely followed by the others. There came the sound of a thunderclap. Meanwhile, Tasha re-formed Us and mentally focused on the fleeing Bard-De-Door. He was moving swiftly, but not so swiftly as to exceed the speed of thought. She reached out with her mental halberd, just as ...

---

¹ Cheap writer's trick. Coincidences are easy in fiction. You just write them and try to pass it off as part of the narrative. You're not fooled, though, are you? I can tell.

 

[BoldItalic]

She reached out with her mental halberd, just as ...

... Bar-De-Door teleported 500 feet straight up and hovered over the inn. He had cast Dimension Door.

The entity that was Us screeched to a halt and hurtled back along the underground tunnels, accidentally engulfing Foghorn, Sister Jericho, Ronni, Knife and Keyes as it passed through them on the way.

Foghorn:	What happened?
Tasha:	No time to explain.
Knife:	What are you all doing in my mind? Get out!
Goatee:	We aren't in your mind. You are in the mind of Us.
Knife:	Well, I don't like it! Let me go immediately!
Adeliva:	Don't worry, dear, you can leave at any time. Just do this.
Knife:	I'm doing this but I'm still here.
Tasha:	Hold on, something's not right.
Albert:	I'm trying too. It's stopped working.
Sister Jericho:	What's gone wrong?
Tasha:	I don't know.
Sister Jericho:	I think I know.
Knife:	Go on, then.
Sister Jericho:	It's my Ring of Invincibility. It won't let Us split up because it would damage Us.
Ronni:	So we are all in this permanently?
Albert:	That could be embarassing.
Ronni:	This has possibilities. How fast can this thing go? And can it go Stealthy?
Albert:	We tried once, but it didn't work. Bar-De-Door was waiting for us.
Foghorn:	Speaking of which, shouldn't we get after him?
Tasha:	We might not be able to do anything, like this. We can't grapple him, for instance.
Footnote:	What if you take the ring off?
Sister Jericho:	It cannot be removed by mortal means. We'd have to ask Athena.
Tasha:	Can we do that?
Sister Jericho:	We could teleport to the abode of the gods and see if she's home.
Ronni:	We can actually do that? Cool!

In the abode of the gods, Athena was studying a tiny model of the Awning Pothole with an even tinier figure of Bar-De-Door suspended above it. "Ah, there you are," she remarked. "Well done. I hope you like your new mode of existence?"

"We'd rather like to be able to separate again, as an At-Will bonus action," explained sister Jericho, who was by common consent their spokesperson in the presence of deities.

"It doesn't work like that, dear. Once you have achieved godhead, there's no going back. You know too much."

There was an uncomfortable shuffling of feet at this turn of events. "Er ... Us is a deity?" asked Sister Jericho in a shaky voice. "We ... weren't expecting ..."

"Yes, dear. You'll fit in here beautifully. Just make yourself at home. The others are looking forward to meeting you."

"Um," ventured Foghorn. "About Bar-De-Door?"

"Oh, we can soon fix that," replied Athena. She touched the suspended Bar-De-Door and breathed the True Self spell that only deities know. The erstwhile sorcerer king reverted to his original form of a bar of soap and, no longer supported by magic, fell down straight through the awning to land on the bar of the inn. In the model, some tiny goblinz were already repainting the inn sign - it was now called the Painted Pumpkin - and had hired a one-eyed barkeeper called Jak. As they watched, a barbarian called Throg Throggsonn swaggered in ...


►Continuation Thread

 

[rgoodbb]

Well Played. B.I. Well Played.