The Knights of Ill Fortune (or the Chronicles of Kale, Agent of the Empire)

[jeffwik]

Well, I had planned on writing up Thror's litany of complaints against Shinobi Killfist, explaining to his god just why Shinobi deserved to be smote, but then Thror got his throat ripped out by a wolf and his body melted into a pile of goo. But on the plus side, Shinobi was mind-controlled by the evil chicken, so it's all good.

After the first TPK, a new band of adventurers were sent up north: Geese Fly South In Winter, a human killing machine, Aeieielieilo, elven archer, and Throgdigar the half-orc cleric (not to be confused with Throgdizar the half-orc barbarian).

Geese Fly South In Winter was raised by a secretive group of monks in a far-distant hidden cloister someplace sunny. There he was taught the first four of the thirteen combat styles in the Zodiac of Perfect Martial Wisdom.

The Zodiac of Perfect Martial Wisdom:
Geese in Winter Style (Plucking off the target from a great distance with a composite longbow and the Far Shot feat)
Suicidal Bee-Swarm Style (Advancing towards the enemy, still with a bow, making the most of Rapid Shot)
Angered She-Bear Style (Using a Large weapon with a good crit multiplier [Geese Fly South In Winter used a scythe] and maxing out Power Attack)
Wise Oxen Style (Charging. It's definitely the easiest style to learn.)
Coiling Serpent Style (the Spiked Chain/Combat Reflexes/Stand Still combo, requires a level of Psychic Warrior)
Crushing Jaws of the Shark Style (aka Improved Bull Rushing 'em off a cliff)
Two-Fisted Monkey Style (Ambi and Twoweapon), Hunting Ambush Spider Style (Spring Attack with a reach weapon), Harrying Rabbit Style (Shot on the Run), Paralyzing Venomous Angelfish Style (Stunning Fist), Cunning Coyote Style (Improved Disarm), Overweening Elephant Style (Trample), and Drunken Tiger Style (Great Cleave).

After my new psion dies, I'll make a fighter/psychic warrior who has also dedicated himself to the Zodiac of Perfect Martial Wisdom.

Why is that? you ask. I'll tell you why. It's because Geese Flying South In Winter died five combat rounds into his career! I never got a chance to expound on how much I like swords! And bows! And spiked chains! I only talked about sword-chucks for like three minutes!

And man, Geese Flying South In Winter was a kickass character. Str 18, Dex 18, Wis 5...

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Poor Geese Flying South In Winter and his two boon companions were sent by the Duke's man, Nicodemus, to investigate rumors of a frog-monster attacking Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest. En route they saw some bandits attacking a fortified farm.

Actually, Geese Flying South In Winter believed that the bandits were farmers attacking their own farm, and wondered why, if they wanted to set fire to their outbuildings, they were doing it by shooting flaming arrows over the earthworks wall instead of going inside and using torches. But hey, Geese Flying South In Winter wasn't a farmer, so maybe there's some secret farmer lore with which he was unfamiliar.

To make a long story short, Geese Flying South In Winter and his boon companions were killed by the bandits, who outnumbered the would-be heroes four to one and had elementals. It was an ignominious death, as the bandit-farmers were using really horrible tactics, too. Geese Flying South In Winter shouted some advice at them, and they didn't take it, and they still killed everyone. Bunch of TPKing jerks.

It turned out (our third set of characters learned from Nicodemus, the Duke's man) that the bandits were affiliated with the racist anti-half-orc wing of some local church, which is why they were raiding Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest. Meh, said our third set of characters (Kid Presentable, ex-gladiator; Stumpy, dwarven transmuter; and Featherkill, archer), and went off to fight the frog-demon.

Long story short: the frog demon handed us our asses, despite our remarkable teamwork and surprisingly effective tactics (ie, disarming him with Kid Presentable's whip dagger, then plunking him full of arrows when he came out to pick his trident up again). It was sad, but three second-level guys just couldn't defeat a CR5 monster. We did get him down to one hit point, losing only Stumpy, but then Kid Presentable's dice turned against him.
It was a shame, too, as the third group was really starting to gel (we worked together to ransack a deserted inn and interrogate a frightened mother of two en route to the temple where the frog demon was hanging out) when we all died.

 

[Morrow]

You just keep telling yourself that, if it'll make you feel better .

Well, I had fun in a, "Don't think I can kill characters do you? Well take that, and that, and that!" kind of way, and that's really all that matters, isn't it?

Morrow

 

[Morrow]

The Rest of the Story

Incidentally, it wasn't quite as bad as all that. Thuror did die at the hands (er, teeth and psionics) of his foes, but Throgdizar lives on as an evil mind controlled psionic lackey. Shinobi Killfist fell victim to his own rash behavior, trying to take out all the remaining goblins himself, but he too survives as an evil mind controlled psionic lackey.

Aeiaeiaeiaeiaei, the elven archer, was pulped, as much by lousy tactics as by his opponents. Throgdidgar Thickskin, the half orc cleric would have survived had he not had the poor judgement to fall unconcious where the half-orc hating bandit/ cultists could get to him. Geese Fly South in Winter actually did survive the battle and will soon wake up in a fortified bandit camp.

Featherkill, Kid Presentable, and Stumpy were doing very well against the frog/ demon thing until they followed it into the church filled with obscuring mist. They said on a number of occasions that they could just wait it out, but it was far more fun to charge in and fight the unholy spawn of the lower planes on his own terms, even once they figured out he had Blind-Fighting and they didn't.


Okay, now that I think about it, it was as bad as all that, but y'all deserve to share some of the credit. We'll all be back next week when Gwaedorgwehu (or however you spell it) returns to avenge his fallen companions.

Morrow

 

[jeffwik]

Hello, and welcome back. It's a fine, sunny day here in Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest, I'm the Seer Hawkwind, and with me as always is former three-time middleweight champion of the Dwarrowdelver Clan Weaponsmithing Company Invitational Gladiatorial Challenge, Erk Stronginthearm. Erk?

Great to be here, Hawkwind. I have to say first of all, couldn't ask for a nicer day, am I right? Weather like this, the orcs wouldn't have stood a chance in the Battle of Green.

You know it, Erk. Now, today we'll be bringing you live coverage of a three-on-one bout, something a little unusual, but first, today's sponsor is Never-Say-Die Healing Potions. Never-Say-Die: now available in six-packs!

As I'm sure you know, Erk, Kid Presentable is out on the field today, and he's graciously agreed to outfit his signature whip dagger with our own Whip-Cam.

Kid Presentable, class act all the way. Who's joining him on the field today?

According to the program, a couple of unknowns are here tonight, hoping to make their big break. Let's take a look at the numbers.

(Graphic showing Kid Presentable, Stumpy, and Featherkill's character sheets)

First up is, I'm told, a dwarf transmuter by the name of Stumpy.

Is that an epithet, Hawkwind?

Either that or he was the runt of the litter. Now, Stumpy's STR is only 9, so we won't be seeing him in melee combat.

We hope, anyway!

Right you are, Erk. As a transmuter, however, Stumpy has access to a variety of useful spells. I'm sure we'll be seeing him bust out Shield and Burning Hands.

Burning Hands is a Transmutation spell, Hawkwind? Sounds more like Evocation to me!

Well, it does transmute the caster's hands into hands that emit fire, so...

Heck, why not make Summon Monster a transmutation, then? It transmutes an empty space to a space containing a monster!

We're not here to debate arcane magic theory, Erk. Stumpy brings an impressive 18 CON to the field, giving him a remarkable sixteen hit points.

Is that including Toughness?

Not according to these figures, no. That does come at a price, however: his INT is a mere 14.

Ouch! That's got to affect his spell DCs!

Very true, very true, Erk. May be why he's fitted out with studded leather armor and a heavy crossbow.

A heavy crossbow? Pretty low rate of fire on that puppy.

Something to keep an eye on, definitely. Next up is Featherkill.

With a name like that, he must be an archer.

You bet, Erk. Looks like his standard tactic is point-blank, rapid shots from his mighty bow.

A classic tactic.

And finally of course there's the fan favorite, Kid Presentable. He's bringing his trademark masterwork mighty strength (+3) whip dagger to the fight, along with a scythe. Erk?

A scythe, yes, interesting choice. You know Hawkwind, the Kid is pretty deadly with that whip dagger (+8, d6+3), but circumstances may force him into straight melee combat, not an area where the whip dagger excels. With that x4 crit, we may be seeing the Kid deal some serious damage.

Hold that thought, Erk, I'm getting word the combatants are moving towards the temple.

The frog-demon-infested temple?

That's the one. Interesting side note, this temple was consecrated to the god of war, the same god the late Throgdigar Thickskin worshipped.

Shame about Gar. He was from Mountain Meets Stream Near Forest, am I right?

Yes, I'm sure seeing it sacked was a great personal discomfort to him.

We'll be back with round-by-round action, after these messages from Never-Say-Die Healing Potions.

 

[jeffwik]

And we're back! Any thoughts, Erk?

Not yet, no.

Fair enough. Now, we have cameras distributed around the temple, but none actually inside. We also don't know precisely what this frog-demon the team's been sent to kill is. This is where the planning pays off.

Right.

And there are the adventurers, coming around the corner. That's the Kid in front, Stumpy behind, and... I don't see Featherkill. Is he a rogue?

Not according to his character sheet, Hawkwind. Check camera three.

Ah, yes, yes, there he is, there he is, up on the roof of the one-story building across the street from the temple.

That's a fine vantage point -- it's exactly thirty feet away from the base of the temple steps. If the others can lure the frog-demon to within range, I predict some serious perforation.

It's exactly thirty feet, Erk? How can you tell?

Trig.

Hmm. Well, I see Stumpy is taking the opportunity to cast some prepratory spells before the match begins. Looks like Magic Weapon on both Featherkill's bow and the Kid's whip dagger.

How's the dwarf reaching that bow... oh, I see.

Quite a sight, quite a sight, seeing a dwarf hop like that. Now they're moving into position: Stumpy with half-cover partially around the corner of the temple, the Kid on the steps, and Featherkill covering the Kid.

Thing about this temple is the lack of windows. Only light in is through some narrow arrow-slit type jobs, halfway up. That's a good fifteen feet of clearance.

Not sure what you mean, Erk... hey, that's the first shot of the match. Featherkill just sent an arrow straight through one of those narrow windows, into the temple. I wonder why. Erk?

I have no idea. Why are you asking me, you're the seer!

Thanks for that insight. The Kid is opening the double-doors to the temple now. Light's shining in, and we're switching to the Whip-Cam. What are we seeing, Erk?

Well, the temple is structurally intact, I see. There's the holy symbol of the god of war... and ouch!

Yes, that would be one of the lynched half-orcs, right there in the temple. Hanging from a rafter.

Terrible, terrible thing. Now, the temple floor is just covered in pews, maybe good for partial cover later in the fight.

Something to keep an eye on, eh, Erk?

Shut up, Hawkwind. In the corners there piles of animal and human and orc and half-orc corpses... looks like the frog-demon's been eating well.

Seems the Kid is bending over, now... what's he got planned?

Not sure... ooh, there it is. There it is. The camera just panned past the frog-demon. Can we tighten that shot up?

Ooh, that's one ugly monster. Looks to be a monstrous humanoid, do you think?

Definitely a biped, Medium-sized... I can see where that "frog" epithet comes from. It seems to be sleeping, curled up in the corner.

I don't like the look of those wings, let me tell you. Ah, and now we see why the Kid bent over. It was to pick up that rock, the rock he's just thrown at the demon, ladies and gentlemen, and now the demon is roused, he's groggy but moving.

It's a shame the Whip-Cam isn't equipped with a mike. I'm sure the Kid is laying on some of his trademark trash-talking right now, trying to draw the demon out.

And it seems to be working... the demon is up, he seems to be reaching for a trident of some kind, and the Kid is moving back to the door! Let's cut back to the exterior cameras.

Okay, you can see the Kid standing just outside the temple and, yes, there's the demon coming right at him. And oh! Oh!

Beautiful shot!

Amazing, simply amazing. Kid Presentable has disarmed the demon!

That is the Kid's specialty!

The trident is on the ground, over the Kid's shoulder, outside the temple. And outside the demon's grasp.

And here come the arrows!

That's right, as Froggy moves out of the temple he moves into Featherkill's killing radius. Ouch!

Froggy'll be feeling that one tomorrow! And that one, too!

Stumpy's fired off his crossbow, looks like it's gone wide, though... and now Froggy's going for the Kid.

How wide are those jaws?

I'm thinking three feet, easily. The Kid felt that, that's for sure. And now Froggy's moving towards the trident!

If Froggy lays into the Kid with the trident, I have to say it'll all be over for him right there.

He may not get the chance... here comes another round of arrows! And looks like a Burning Hands from Stumpy.

Ouch! Froggy didn't like those arrows. The spell looked kinda puny, though, I must say. He's got the trident now, though!

Ooh, that's a shame, the Kid seems to be having some trouble with his whip dagger. Could be the Whip Cam is adding more weight to the end.

Could be, could be. This could be trouble... oh, wait!

Stumpy has moved up and, yes, there it is, Stumpy just hit Froggy with a Color Spray, stunning him and forcing him to drop his weapon!

A real tour de force from Stumpy. Now, can they press the advantage?

It's not looking good, Erk. Featherkill's missing and the Kid is still sorting out his whip dagger... now, now, what's that Froggy's trying?

Looks to me like a breath weapon. That's not going be fun.

Spread out like the team is, Froggy's only going to be able to target one of them... and ouch it was Kid Presentable.

The Kid is down but it looks like he's not out, Hawkwind. That gob of acid would put the hurt on anyone's parade.

The team is disoriented by the Kid's dropping and Froggy's pressed the advantage. He's moved back into the temple, clearly wounded from those arrows sticking out of him and, yes, that's an Obscuring Mist he's generated. The interior of the temple is now completely filled with fog.

At least the trident is still outside. What about the Kid?

It looks like, yes, Featherkill and Stumpy are pouring healing potions down his throat.

Never-Say-Die brand healing potions?

I can't say from this distance but let's hope so. Ah, ah, the Kid is up and the team is in a huddle. Time for another commercial break.

 

[jeffwik]

And we're back. Erk?

Yes?

Thoughts?

Oh, right. Now, the smart thing to do here is wait out that Mist. With fog that dense, you're looking at full concealment past five feet, and half-concealment closer in. Without Blind-Fighting, it's a tough situation. But Obscuring Mist is only a first-level spell, duration only a minute or three.

What about the Magic Weapon effects? Its duration is only a minute!

I'd give them up for lost; it's just not tactically sound to move into that fog.

Sound advice, sound advice. But lucky for us it looks like the team isn't going to take it -- they're going in!

What? Bunch of half-wits!

Switching to the Whip-Cam, and ooh is that fog thick! I can't see a thing. Erk?

They're doomed. They're all going to die. Should have waited out that fog.

What are we seeing, Erk?

I'll tell you what we're seeing, we're seeing a bunch of amateurs getting themselves killed, is what we're seeing!

Right. So it looks like Stumpy and the Kid are moving through the temple, trying to beat out Froggy, while Featherkill covers the door.

Oh, oh, they must have heard something, they're moving off to -- uh, somewhere in the temple... and yes, there it is. And there is the whip dagger taking a chunk out of Froggy's midsection. Nice shot, eh Erk?

Doomed, doomed, doomed...

Hoo, looks like Stumpy is letting loose with... are those Rays of Frost?

Like it matters.

You are one lousy color commentator, you know that Erk? But this isn't the time or the place. Featherkill's arrows are going wide... that concealment is seriously putting a cramp on the team's damage dealing capabilities.

Stumpy seems to be out of Rays of Frost now, he's, yes, he's firing the crossbow again, this time from only five feet away.

Gonna die.

Maybe not... looks like that Shield is making the difference, as Froggy tries and fails to bite Stumpy's head off. They may come out of this yet... Featherkill steps up, looks like he's traded in his bow for a longsword... ooh!

Here it comes!

Maybe, maybe... Froggy has just laid some kind of whammy on Kid Presentable, Cause Fear or Scare or something similar, and the Kid is bolting! He's dropped the whip and is moving away!

Where's he going?

Wish I knew... can't see through the fog, but he's not coming out of the temple, as you can see... cutting back to the Whip-Cam, and...

I told you.

Featherkill is down! Featherkill is on the ground, covered in viscous acid, looks like Froggy bit him a few times as well. It is not looking good for the team.

Is he dead, Hawkwind?

No, no, Featherkill has stabilized, I'm told. Featherkill has stabilized. And now, as we pan the Whip Cam over, you can see a truly bizarre spectacle.

I've never seen anything like this before.

Stumpy is reloading, firing, reloading, firing that crossbow, relying on the Shield to keep him alive. It seems to be working too. The arrows sticking out of Froggy have been joined by several bolts. The team may be able to...

Whoops.

Well, that's why Stumpy went into this fight with sixteen hit points.

He doesn't have sixteen hit points now, let me tell you.

He's still at it with that crossbow... a nice shot, a nice shot, Froggy is reeling!

By my calculations Froggy is down to one hit point, Hawkwind. One more shot like that could end this match right here, if...

Oh, that's a shame. That's a shame. You really have to feel for Stumpy, there. He's just had his head bitten off.

Yeah, he's got to be feeling the disappointment. Or he would if he wasn't dead.

Well, that looks like the end of... wait! Here comes the Kid! The spell effects must have worn off! He's got the scythe out and...

Whoops!

And there goes the Kid.

That head-bite-off manuever is a killer. Disappointing all around.

Still, these things happen. Now, stay tuned, because after the break we'll take you to another bout already in progess: a xvart, two goblins, an orc and a dark creeper against...

Against what?

I'm not sure. An Evil Genius, it says here...

 

[Shard O'Glase]

Shinobi Killfist dead???? I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

 

[Forrester]

Shinobi Killfist dead???? I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

Yeah, this campaign clearly wasn't Shinobi friendly. Although in Shinobi's defense, he's not dead. He stabilized at -9 (and he was at -8 when he went down, right AFTER he made a tumble check of 25, CHARGED THROUGH a hostile opponent, and CRITTED the main big bad for 20pts of damage) and is now a mind-controlled lackey. Just waiting for someone with a Break Enchantment and then a Heal spell . . .

What kind of sucked was that Shinobi got away from the TPK, but was trapped inside the mountain. For four days he looked for a way out, but couldn't find one (though I suppose he could have tried to ride the waterfall down). Little to do but charge blindly into battle after that, or starve to death. Or wait for help, but while it might have happened from a meta-game point of view, no reason Shinobi should see it coming.

 

[Gez]

Well, I had fun in a, "Don't think I can kill characters do you? Well take that, and that, and that!" kind of way, and that's really all that matters, isn't it?

An important lesson, friends. Never, even when you're drunk, complain that your DM is not killing enough characters. Especially when the campaign don't really requires your character to survive.

3 TPK in one session, great work ! I doubt I'll ever equal that.

 

[Morrow]

Any of the players want to take a stab at the events of the last two sessions?

The best part?

Maybe it was the psion, who turned his skin blue, shone beams of light from his eyes, stripped off all his clothes, and ran around Bellhold screaming. All in order to distract and confuse hundreds of mind controlled villagers.

Or maybe the scout, who found an even better way to cause a distraction - burn half of Bellhold to the ground.

Or perhaps it was sending the fighter/ aristocrat by himself to destroy the evil mind controlling crystal.

Morrow