robberbaron
First Post
Man, I'm glad you're back.
This story is pure class.
This story is pure class.
X-PATH 2 : The Forge of F.U. (Completed 15 April 2005)
Capellan
Explorer
6: Slip Sliding Away
For a moment, everyone stares, stunned. And then Simon's voice floats up out of the darkness,
"I'm not dead."
"Wooooooo! Anythin' that boy can do, Ah can do better!" Floyd races across the cave and belly-flops into the rushing water of the stream. There's an almightly splash, followed by another shout of glee from the Elvisite as he plummets off the edge of the cliff.
Smith gapes.
"Weeeeeee!" Bev follows Floyd into the water. Two of GPE's floating cameras immediately zoom in for extreme close-ups as her scantily clad and glistening body vanishes from sight.
Smith gapes.
"I guess we should go after them." Fabio observes.
Smith gapes.
"Down the stairs, I mean." Fabio points at the tunnel entrance next to the waterfall.
The Mormon finally closes his mouth and gives himself a visible shake,
"So you're not planning to throw yourself after them?"
"Of course not." Fabio looks horrified, "It would ruin my perm."
The two men make their way down the stairs, and are met halfway by their slightly-squelchy companions.
"What's down there?" Smith demands, disapprovingly eyeing the threesome.
"Not much." Floyd slicks his damp hair into a huge quoif. "A lake, some caves. The journey's much more fun than the destination."
"You didn't look around at all, did you?"
"Not much." Floyd repeats equably, "But we figured it would be best to finish lookin' around up here first, before startin' on anythin' downstairs."
* * *
"Hah! That stumped Mr Prissy, didn't it?" Patton slapped his hand on his knee, causing a small puff of dust to rise.
"Indeed, sir."
"How'd the footage of the girl come out, Johnson?"
"Excellent, sir. I've begun arrangements to have it included in a promo spot."
"Good work." Patton nodded, "It'll work better if it seems like she's in danger, though. Half-dressed damsels in distress are the next best thing to printing your own money."
"I'll see what screams we have in the audio files, sir."
Patton snorted,
"No need. Just sample the boy's yelp from when he went over. Sounded near enough like a girl, to me."
* * *
The group enters a huge cavern, filled with giant fungi. Simon sneezes.
"I'm telling you, homes, this is a health and safety violation." he manages, after blowing his nose on a large black handkerchief. "This will play hell with my allergies."
"You do understand that this is a job where people try to kill you, right?" Floyd raises his eyebrows. "Allergies are the least of your worries."
"Why do you think I take so much time off?" Simon snorts, "It's the stress, homes."
"Well, if you want to stress about something, I suggest the topic of 'clouds of poisonous spores'." Smith says grimly, glaring at the nearest mushroom likes it has personally affronted him, "The kind that make your skin turn black and your tongue swell up so large you choke to death."
"It's easy to see why you have five wives, being such a charmer like that." Bev rolls her eyes.
The group picks their way across the cave, at first doing their best to avoid brushing against any of the strange fungi. When it rapidly becomes clear that this is impossible, Smith shrugs, shoulders his shotgun, and bulls through the delicate subterranean vegetation. Reaching a pathway at the centre of the cave, he turns and calls back through a haze of multi-coloured spores:
"As Simon would say, 'I'm not dead'!"
The others join him at the path, which the group then follows as it winds along the length of the cave, finally arriving at an enormous pair of iron doors.
"Ninja 'em." Floyd instructs.
And to everyone's surprise - except his own - Simon does just that.
"Stairs heading up." He reports, after dragging one door slightly ajar and peering through the gap.
"Up?" Fabio shakes his head, "Where is the architect's sense of drama? Of tradition?"
"We could go back to the waterfall." Smith's still bitter.
"Hell, no." Simon wrestles the door open a few more inches, and squeezes through the gap, "Somebody went to the trouble of putting a couple of damn big vault doors here, which means there's something behind them worth building a couple of damn big vault doors to protect."
"The boy speaks wisdom." Floyd opines.
"And his own damnation." Smith glowers at Simon, who is oblivious.
"Whatever." Beverly flounces over to the doors and squeezes through to the other side, "Let's check it out."
Fabio follows, leaving only Floyd and Smith still outside. The Mormon glances at the Elvisite,
"I thought you were in favour of pursuing this course."
"Yup." Floyd nods, then pats his rhinestone-covered belly, "But I'm thinking that door needs to be open a mite wider before I can fit through it."
For a moment, everyone stares, stunned. And then Simon's voice floats up out of the darkness,
"I'm not dead."
"Wooooooo! Anythin' that boy can do, Ah can do better!" Floyd races across the cave and belly-flops into the rushing water of the stream. There's an almightly splash, followed by another shout of glee from the Elvisite as he plummets off the edge of the cliff.
Smith gapes.
"Weeeeeee!" Bev follows Floyd into the water. Two of GPE's floating cameras immediately zoom in for extreme close-ups as her scantily clad and glistening body vanishes from sight.
Smith gapes.
"I guess we should go after them." Fabio observes.
Smith gapes.
"Down the stairs, I mean." Fabio points at the tunnel entrance next to the waterfall.
The Mormon finally closes his mouth and gives himself a visible shake,
"So you're not planning to throw yourself after them?"
"Of course not." Fabio looks horrified, "It would ruin my perm."
The two men make their way down the stairs, and are met halfway by their slightly-squelchy companions.
"What's down there?" Smith demands, disapprovingly eyeing the threesome.
"Not much." Floyd slicks his damp hair into a huge quoif. "A lake, some caves. The journey's much more fun than the destination."
"You didn't look around at all, did you?"
"Not much." Floyd repeats equably, "But we figured it would be best to finish lookin' around up here first, before startin' on anythin' downstairs."
* * *
"Hah! That stumped Mr Prissy, didn't it?" Patton slapped his hand on his knee, causing a small puff of dust to rise.
"Indeed, sir."
"How'd the footage of the girl come out, Johnson?"
"Excellent, sir. I've begun arrangements to have it included in a promo spot."
"Good work." Patton nodded, "It'll work better if it seems like she's in danger, though. Half-dressed damsels in distress are the next best thing to printing your own money."
"I'll see what screams we have in the audio files, sir."
Patton snorted,
"No need. Just sample the boy's yelp from when he went over. Sounded near enough like a girl, to me."
* * *
The group enters a huge cavern, filled with giant fungi. Simon sneezes.
"I'm telling you, homes, this is a health and safety violation." he manages, after blowing his nose on a large black handkerchief. "This will play hell with my allergies."
"You do understand that this is a job where people try to kill you, right?" Floyd raises his eyebrows. "Allergies are the least of your worries."
"Why do you think I take so much time off?" Simon snorts, "It's the stress, homes."
"Well, if you want to stress about something, I suggest the topic of 'clouds of poisonous spores'." Smith says grimly, glaring at the nearest mushroom likes it has personally affronted him, "The kind that make your skin turn black and your tongue swell up so large you choke to death."
"It's easy to see why you have five wives, being such a charmer like that." Bev rolls her eyes.
The group picks their way across the cave, at first doing their best to avoid brushing against any of the strange fungi. When it rapidly becomes clear that this is impossible, Smith shrugs, shoulders his shotgun, and bulls through the delicate subterranean vegetation. Reaching a pathway at the centre of the cave, he turns and calls back through a haze of multi-coloured spores:
"As Simon would say, 'I'm not dead'!"
The others join him at the path, which the group then follows as it winds along the length of the cave, finally arriving at an enormous pair of iron doors.
"Ninja 'em." Floyd instructs.
And to everyone's surprise - except his own - Simon does just that.
"Stairs heading up." He reports, after dragging one door slightly ajar and peering through the gap.
"Up?" Fabio shakes his head, "Where is the architect's sense of drama? Of tradition?"
"We could go back to the waterfall." Smith's still bitter.
"Hell, no." Simon wrestles the door open a few more inches, and squeezes through the gap, "Somebody went to the trouble of putting a couple of damn big vault doors here, which means there's something behind them worth building a couple of damn big vault doors to protect."
"The boy speaks wisdom." Floyd opines.
"And his own damnation." Smith glowers at Simon, who is oblivious.
"Whatever." Beverly flounces over to the doors and squeezes through to the other side, "Let's check it out."
Fabio follows, leaving only Floyd and Smith still outside. The Mormon glances at the Elvisite,
"I thought you were in favour of pursuing this course."
"Yup." Floyd nods, then pats his rhinestone-covered belly, "But I'm thinking that door needs to be open a mite wider before I can fit through it."
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Graywolf-ELM
Explorer
Hot dog. You've got me wishing this story was illustrated. For more than just Beverly soaked to the skin.
GW
GW
Capellan
Explorer
7: Stairway to Heaven / Highway to Hell
"A ... dead ... end?" Floyd wheezed, leaning forward with his hands on his knees, "I ... climbed ... all those stairs ... for a dead ... end?"
clang. clang. clang.
"There's some statues and stuff." Bev pointed out, unhelpfully. She waved a jewellery-laded hand at the octagonal chamber before them. Three statues of squat, bearded warriors glared from the left, right and opposite walls. All three stood with arms raised, an axe clenched in each hand.
"I can't believe it's a dead end." Fabio frowned.
"I think I ... already said that." Floyd straightened up with a huff of effort.
clang. clang. clang.
"No." Fabio's deeply furrowed brow was a sure sign he was thinking, "I really can't believe it's a dead end. There's a noise coming from somewhere ... sounds like hammering."
"I don't hear anything." Bev shrugged.
"That's because you never shut up and listen." Smith waved her to silence, and cocked his head to the side. Perhaps he was hoping the sound waves would trip over his upturned ear lobe and fall into his head.
"I hear something, too." Simon
clang. clang. clang.
nodded. "Sounds pretty echo-y. Hard to tell where its coming from."
"Could be a secret door." Smith mused.
"Ya think?" Any sarcasometers in the room would have exploded.
"Quiet, Beverly." Smith turned to Simon, "Go ninja it."
"Ninja!" Simon skulked into the room, sticking close to the wall. He checked floors and ceiling for lurking monsters, then slunk down low as he prowled toward the far side of the room. Twice he stopped, ears straining to try and work out where the sound was coming from. Turning back to the others, he cupped a hand to his ear and pointed to his left. Flexing his hands dramatically, he moved between two of the statues and began to run his hands over the wall, searching for signs of a secret door.
"He's pretty good at this, huh?" Floyd remarked, through a mouthful of cheeseburger.
Which is about the moment that the two statues slashed their axes down, cutting Simon to the bone.
The youngster staggered back, blood streaming down his ruined Punisher t-shirt. He sunk to his knees, vision clouding as blood loss dragged him inexorably toward death.
clang. clang. clang.
"The King is here for you, son." Floyd slapped invoked Elvis's benediction on Simon, hauled him to his feet, and offered him a double-chilli-cheese-hot dog, "Now go try the other wall."
* * *
"Gutsy little runt." Patton remarked approvingly, then cackled as blood spattered all over the screen again, "But not very bright, eh Johnson?"
"No sir." Johnson tried not to think about the long corporate lunch he'd had that day, or the way all that rich food kept wanting to rise up his gullet. "But then you said you didn't want them for their brains, sir."
"Damn right." Patton nodded and pointed at the screen, where Simon was once more being hauled to his feet and pushed toward the wall, "What I want is the kind of mentality that makes a man keep poking a sleepin' lion, just to see how long it'll take before the thing rips off his head."
"Well, they certainly have that, sir." Johnson agreed, "Though they seem to have worked out that it would be a good idea to break the statues arms, at least."
"That's the other thing I like about these boys. When they go pokin' lions, they do it with a really big stick."
* * *
"Putting a secret door behind the statues?" Floyd stared at the space between the statue's stone back and the wall. "Must be mighty inconvenient having to squeeze trhough that itty bitty gap all the time."
"Though probably not as inconvenient as an axe to the head, Mr Anderson."
clang. clang. clang.
"You do have a way of getting to the heart of things, Mr Smith."
"Yes. Through the ribcage."
Floyd was silent for a moment as he tried to work out whether Smith just made a joke. Finally he settled for calling out to Simon,
"How are things going back there, son?"
"Slowly." Simon's tone was aggrieved, "There's definitely a door here, and I don't think it's trapped. I'm just trying to work it open. You'll know when I do because the hammering noise will get -"
CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.
"- louder."
The group followed Simon through the no-longer-secret door and into a huge hall, dimly lit with guttering torches. Massive, vaulted pillars run the length of the hall, throwing each side further into shadow, while the far end is dominated by a stone throne, set on a raised plinth.
"Hammering's coming from over there." Simon gestured to the right hand side of the hall.
"Wonder who's working so hard?" Floyd asked aloud. "Reckon we should pay 'em a visit and find out."
As soon as the Elvisite stepped forward, however, a cold voice rang out.
"Come no further. Leave now, if you wish to live."
"A ... dead ... end?" Floyd wheezed, leaning forward with his hands on his knees, "I ... climbed ... all those stairs ... for a dead ... end?"
clang. clang. clang.
"There's some statues and stuff." Bev pointed out, unhelpfully. She waved a jewellery-laded hand at the octagonal chamber before them. Three statues of squat, bearded warriors glared from the left, right and opposite walls. All three stood with arms raised, an axe clenched in each hand.
"I can't believe it's a dead end." Fabio frowned.
"I think I ... already said that." Floyd straightened up with a huff of effort.
clang. clang. clang.
"No." Fabio's deeply furrowed brow was a sure sign he was thinking, "I really can't believe it's a dead end. There's a noise coming from somewhere ... sounds like hammering."
"I don't hear anything." Bev shrugged.
"That's because you never shut up and listen." Smith waved her to silence, and cocked his head to the side. Perhaps he was hoping the sound waves would trip over his upturned ear lobe and fall into his head.
"I hear something, too." Simon
clang. clang. clang.
nodded. "Sounds pretty echo-y. Hard to tell where its coming from."
"Could be a secret door." Smith mused.
"Ya think?" Any sarcasometers in the room would have exploded.
"Quiet, Beverly." Smith turned to Simon, "Go ninja it."
"Ninja!" Simon skulked into the room, sticking close to the wall. He checked floors and ceiling for lurking monsters, then slunk down low as he prowled toward the far side of the room. Twice he stopped, ears straining to try and work out where the sound was coming from. Turning back to the others, he cupped a hand to his ear and pointed to his left. Flexing his hands dramatically, he moved between two of the statues and began to run his hands over the wall, searching for signs of a secret door.
"He's pretty good at this, huh?" Floyd remarked, through a mouthful of cheeseburger.
Which is about the moment that the two statues slashed their axes down, cutting Simon to the bone.
The youngster staggered back, blood streaming down his ruined Punisher t-shirt. He sunk to his knees, vision clouding as blood loss dragged him inexorably toward death.
clang. clang. clang.
"The King is here for you, son." Floyd slapped invoked Elvis's benediction on Simon, hauled him to his feet, and offered him a double-chilli-cheese-hot dog, "Now go try the other wall."
* * *
"Gutsy little runt." Patton remarked approvingly, then cackled as blood spattered all over the screen again, "But not very bright, eh Johnson?"
"No sir." Johnson tried not to think about the long corporate lunch he'd had that day, or the way all that rich food kept wanting to rise up his gullet. "But then you said you didn't want them for their brains, sir."
"Damn right." Patton nodded and pointed at the screen, where Simon was once more being hauled to his feet and pushed toward the wall, "What I want is the kind of mentality that makes a man keep poking a sleepin' lion, just to see how long it'll take before the thing rips off his head."
"Well, they certainly have that, sir." Johnson agreed, "Though they seem to have worked out that it would be a good idea to break the statues arms, at least."
"That's the other thing I like about these boys. When they go pokin' lions, they do it with a really big stick."
* * *
"Putting a secret door behind the statues?" Floyd stared at the space between the statue's stone back and the wall. "Must be mighty inconvenient having to squeeze trhough that itty bitty gap all the time."
"Though probably not as inconvenient as an axe to the head, Mr Anderson."
clang. clang. clang.
"You do have a way of getting to the heart of things, Mr Smith."
"Yes. Through the ribcage."
Floyd was silent for a moment as he tried to work out whether Smith just made a joke. Finally he settled for calling out to Simon,
"How are things going back there, son?"
"Slowly." Simon's tone was aggrieved, "There's definitely a door here, and I don't think it's trapped. I'm just trying to work it open. You'll know when I do because the hammering noise will get -"
CLANG. CLANG. CLANG.
"- louder."
The group followed Simon through the no-longer-secret door and into a huge hall, dimly lit with guttering torches. Massive, vaulted pillars run the length of the hall, throwing each side further into shadow, while the far end is dominated by a stone throne, set on a raised plinth.
"Hammering's coming from over there." Simon gestured to the right hand side of the hall.
"Wonder who's working so hard?" Floyd asked aloud. "Reckon we should pay 'em a visit and find out."
As soon as the Elvisite stepped forward, however, a cold voice rang out.
"Come no further. Leave now, if you wish to live."
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