How much fluff is too much?

[Urizen]

I'm writing three sample Ghodon (a new race) adventurers for an upcoming book. The problem is, I'm getting long-winded. I'm not finished writing the first one yet, and I'm wondering if I should just give the cliff's notes of character backgrounds instead of a really long version.

So, my question to everyone is, do you like to see sample characters written with this much detail, or would you just prefer to see a distilled version?

Gringarúk Shouts at the Sky
Gringarúk Shouts at the Sky is a mog-bashai paladin who seeks redemption for past sins. Once the most respected of all the bodrokhan (an order of paladins who worship the god Khall, Bringer of Storms), Gringarúk was a terror on the battlefield, joyously rending flesh and bone in faithful service of his god. He had many wives who bore him strong sons and beautiful daughters. His enemies trembled at the sight of snarlfang, his adamantine axe. Indeed, Gringarúk’s exploits are legendary among the ghodon tribes, as is the tale of his greatest sin, known among bards far and wide as “Gringarúk’s Fall.”

The paladin failed to warn his village of an impending attack by stonebreaker ogres. Gringarúk was supposed to be on watch when the ogres attacked, but, drunk from the previous night’s excesses, the ghodon had passed out. Consequently, the ogres came upon the village in the early dawn uncontested, razing his village to the ground, killing nearly everyone in the process, including his family. Survivors found Gringarúk still sleeping in the watchtower, oblivious to what had happened. Gringarúk was banished from his tribe, told never to return to the lands of the mog-bashai upon pain of death.

Unable to bear his grief and shame, Gringarúk journeyed far to the north, seeking redemption through glorious death in the waiting maw of the great white dragon Sarthaxxas: The Life Ender. Down into the cold deep earth he went, battling the wyrm’s whelps and other minions, until at last, weary and bleeding from many wounds, Gringarúk came to stand before the mighty dragon herself.

Hefting snarlfang, Gringarúk charged across the rocky cavern, but Sarthaxxas moved with a speed that belied her massive size, a gleaming white claw arcing out to pin the ghodon against a rotting chest filled with gold coins and glittering gems. Sarthaxxas’ massive head snaked in, her gaping, slavering maw a few perilous inches from Gringarúk’s face. The mere presence of the mighty wyrm wracked his body with biting cold. Gringarúk could do nothing. It appeared that Gringarúk would die just as he had failed his people; on his back.

So much for glorious death.

“Do it then, dragon. Kill me and be done with it, “the ghodon spat through chattering teeth. But Sarthaxxas just laughed, her acrid breath making Gringarúk's stomach roil.

“I know you, mighty Gringarúk of the mog-bashai tribe,” she hissed.

“I know of your deeds, of your failure to protect your people,” her mocking tone enraged the ghodon. Gringarúk thrashed under the weight of her claw, shouting curses, but Sarthaxxas just laughed.

“You would have me end your pain? Release you from your shame, is that it?” A talon inched closer to the paladin’s throat.

Gringarúk nodded slowly, unable to meet Sarthaxxas’s pale grey eyes. The claw retracted just then and Sarthaxxas reared her massive head with a snarl. The cavern thundered as she beat her wings, sending gold and silver flying in all directions.

“I’ll not be your tool, Gringarúk of the mog-bashai. If it is death you seek, find an end more befitting your cowardice,” Sarthaxxas turned then and Gringarúk, enraged, scrambled to his feet, charging the dragon once again. However, before he could get close, Sarthaxxas flicked her massive tail, catching Gringarúk full on the chest, the impact hurling the ghodon against the cavern wall. He slouched to the floor, breath coming in ragged gasps, pain exploding across his back and head. The last thing the paladin saw was Sarthaxxas closing in on him. He feebly lifted snarlfang, but the bloodstained axe slipped from his grasp as darkness washed over him.

Gringarúk awoke to the feel of snow on his face. His body aching in protest as the ghodon struggled to sit up and look around. Blinding snow roared across the frozen tundra, however, and Gringarúk couldn’t see more than a few yards in any direction. Cursing Sarthaxxas for dropping him into a raging blizzard, the ghodon reached for snarlfang so that he might prop himself up to his feet, but it was gone. Gone too, was his armor and other equipment; all gone, save for the meager clothes on his back and a long knife in his boots. Maybe the blasted dragon had granted his wish after all. Gringarúk laughed mirthlessly as he struggled to his feet and set out into the storm.

How long he wandered, lost in the pale white blanket of ice and snow, Gringarúk couldn’t guess. Pale day wore on into night, and back to day again, yet still he plodded on through the violent storm. Finally, the last of his strength draining from his body, Gringarúk shouted to the sky, cursing the storm god Khall for letting him die without redemption, then darkness took him again. Still, he did not die.

--------------

Again, I'm still writing him. At this rate, I could go on for awhile.

I'm also considering giving each sample adventurer suggestions for class and level, so if you like what you read, you can possibly play him (if the GM approves, of course).

Feedback is appreciated.

Thanks for your time.

 

[Jack7]

I'm writing three sample Ghodon (a new race) adventurers for an upcoming book.

If this is supposed to be a professional work then cut out all of this and instead expose the character through actual story action.

You're not a bad writer, but really good writers allude to things in fiction rather than expound upon them in excessive detail. If this is only background and not germane to the real story then the reader doesn't need to know it. If it is vital, or is the story itself, then just write it into the story.

So my advice, and take it for what it is worth, is this - keep the notes and stuff like that for yourself and for developmental material in background. Write the story you actually need to write and that your audience might want to read, and only that one.

If there is a demand for background then the audience will ask for more. If not then it is a waste of your time when you could be writing the real story.

I can tell you this about writing, fiction or non-fiction.
Practice, practice, and practice. And if you are naturally long winded then edit, edit, and edit.

You can never go wrong with a good revision.

And, good luck and Godspeed.

 

[Urizen]

Hey, thanks a ton for your feedback.

I still have a lot to learn about writing, and when people such as yourself come in and give tips, it always helps.

Thanks again!

 

[Pbartender]

So, my question to everyone is, do you like to see sample characters written with this much detail, or would you just prefer to see a distilled version?

I tend to prefer distilled verions... I like it because it provides opportunity for character growth. I like it because sometimes a player ends up playing the character differently than what they first envisioned.

If too many details are provided at the start, the player gets straitjacketed into playing the character a certain way. There's no flexibility in personality or history, there's little room for growth, and there's no where for a player to add their own personal touches (in the case of pre-generated characters).

That said, if the details can be provided in a more interesting way, than the usual straightforward history/personality write-up, that's cool.

For example, here's a character write up that I used for a high level piratical Goblin Rogue I played a couple years back. It consists of excerpts from a book written by another character, an scholarly Elf Wizard, I once played in the same setting...

Excerpts from the
MYTHOLOGICA VULGARIS
A treatise on the legends of the monstrous races
As written by Himo Holimion

CHAPTER 69: Redcap the Goblin
٭
“Of all the known monstrous legends, and arguably all the known civilized legends as well, Redcap the Goblin is undoubtedly the most ancient. The earliest stories of Redcap obviously originated before the Cataclysm. Recent evidence suggests that the Redcap legend may be older yet, predating the arrival of humans, and is, perhaps, the very first legendary story created by any sapient race.”
٭
“The origin story of Redcap is unique amongst legends, in that it is the only one that insinuates itself upon the universally accepted creation myth of Varkana. Though details vary from storyteller to storyteller, as the Goblins tell it, as Aricka created each of the sapient races of the world, both civilized and monstrous, Kilara played a trick on her. Some say Kilara stole one of the first Goblins made by Aricka and replaced his mind with that of her sacred fox, others say she drained the Goblin’s blood and refilled him with her own divine essence, another story states that Kilara whispered suggestions in the ear of the sleeping and dreaming Natteau while Aricka made his visions into reality… and those are only three of the most common explanations. No matter the variations, the central theme of this most ancient myth rings true throughout all its tellings is that Redcap was present at the very beginning of the world, when he was conceived by Natteau, created by Aricka, and perfected, as the Goblins would say, by Kilara. Take note that this episode is never mentioned in the traditional creation myth related by any other sapient race. The typical Goblin explanation for this omission is simple… If you were a god who just created a world and someone pulled joke like that on you, would you tell everyone about it? Of course you wouldn’t.”
٭
“Redcap serves the traditional role of folk hero amongst the Goblins. He exemplifies the traits and abilities that every member of Goblin society strives to perfect. He possesses supernatural cunning and agility, and consistently outwits his rivals at every turn, while continually maintaining a calm and flippant bravado. Typically, the stories have one of four purposes… To showcase the epitome of natural Goblin talents, to provide a basic lesson in tricking one’s rivals, to provide a lesson in Goblin morality, such as it is, or, more common amongst the civilized adaptations of the Redcap legends, to frighten small children.”
٭
“In all the legends featuring him, Redcap is always in possession of his signature brilliant red hat, from which he derives his name. Goblin storytellers claim that this cap was first bestowed upon him collectively by the gods, after they had discovered Kilara’s deception, as a means to bell the cat, in a manner of speaking. Kilara once again, however, pulled a fast one on the other gods, by enchanting the cap with the power to change the wearer’s appearance at will, allowing her favorite goblin to go about in perfect disguise, whenever necessary.”
٭
“In later stories, Redcap is also found carrying a magical backpack, which is far larger on the inside than out and never burdens him, no matter how great its load. The story of how he acquired this pack is told in the story ‘Redcap and the Dwarf’, in which he allegedly swindles it away from Heward Strongarm, an ancient dwarven hero of some repute. Several imitations of the enchanted pack have been made by dwarven craftsmen throughout the generations, all of them claiming to be ‘Heward’s Handy Haversack’, ostensibly to discredit the goblin version of the story, and reduce the impact of the embarrassment it caused, once it became popular.”
٭
“In many of his stories, Redcap is accompanied by a faithful dog, of the sort goblins often ride. The dog is rarely named, but is most often called Rover, when he is. Much like Redcap, in the stories, this dog symbolizes the epitome of a good goblin riding dog… Intelligence, strength, loyalty and fierceness.”
٭
“Another unique aspect of the Redcap legend is the fact that new stories and legends about him are still being made. As recently as five or ten years ago, the stories ‘Redcap and the Merchant of Varnarsuelle’ and ‘Redcap and the Pirates’ first appeared. This can only mean that Redcap, if indeed he does exist, could very well be several thousand years old. Most scholars scoff at the idea. Admittedly, the only sapient races that even approach such longevity are the Elves and the occasional Dwarf. The average Goblin doesn’t live to see more than three or four score years, surely one of the shortest lived races. Considering, however, the theoretical origins of Redcap himself, and the fact that not once in recorded history has there been a reported incidence of a Goblin dying of old age, the possibility of a Redcap Goblin alive since the dawn of time cannot be completely discounted.”
٭
“Goblin chieftains often select the greatest of their hunter-warriors, and bestow upon them an honorary red cap. This red cap, in effect, acts as a badge of office denoting the warrior as the champion of the chieftain and the tribe. Though many tribes have red cap champions, no tribe ever has more than one.”
٭
“It is commonly thought amongst the civilized races that the red caps of these champions are dyed using the blood of the tribe’s enemies. This is, however, largely a malicious rumor intended solely to scare young children, and inexperienced soldiers. Thousands of years ago, perhaps, blood may have been used, but now the caps are dyed using exceedingly rare beetles found only on the Plains of Wol. These beetles are dried and ground into a fine powder which produces a particularly vivid and enduring shade of blood red.”
٭
“Some scholars attribute these champions to the apparent longevity of Redcap. The stories, they explain, are simply the collective deeds of generations of the tribal champions. Having seen the prowess of these lesser red caps, I can conclusively testify that there is no possible way the Redcap legends could have originated from the actions of the half-drunken ruffians commonly chosen by the chieftains as red cap champions.”
٭
“The divine influence cannot be discounted when considering the longevity of Redcap. It could be theorized that Redcap was not a single goblin, but several, having been reincarnated by his patroness Kilara into a new goblin body each time he perishes. Scholarly opponents of this theory point to the utter lack of any legends concerning Redcap dying or reincarnating. But then, as the Goblins would say, if you kept dying because you couldn’t stay out of trouble, would you tell everyone about it? Of course you wouldn’t.”
٭

 

[Urizen]

Thanks for the feedback.

Nice character background, by the way.

I'm leaning towards distilled versions for this one.

I might expand on the races and provide more detailed information on major NPCs though.

 

[Jack7]

So my advice, and take it for what it is worth, is this - keep the notes and stuff like that for yourself and for developmental material in background. Write the story you actually need to write and that your audience might want to read, and only that one.

Uri, I was probably mistaken.

From your original write up I thought you were speaking about a work of fiction, as in a story. A book of fiction.

From reading Pb's response I now think you are speaking about some type of gaming or setting manual.

That being the case forget then just ignore what I said above except for the part about re-writing, editing, and revising.

 

[Urizen]

Okay

No worries, I think you gave great advice either way.

I have a habit of "telling, not showing" in my writing when I should be "showing, not telling."

It's something I really need to work on.

 

[fissionessence]

I'm leaning towards distilled versions for this one.

I might expand on the races and provide more detailed information on major NPCs though.

When I get to the end of a race writeup to the 'sample adventurers' section of a Wizards product, I tend to scowl. However, I like to read the entirety of something once I start, so I finish. I think the reason I don't like the 'sample adventurers' section is that I find it useless, and rarely very interesting.

Your background in the original post, though, is very interesting. How useful it is, though . . . well maybe not so much. But, you could make it interesting, by including the information you mentioned: suggested level and class for playing as the character. If you spend several pages each for two to five characters, I think it could be a pretty cool section of the book. Write the story as you have above, include a suggested class and level (and possibly an entire character generation), along with key personality features as a guide for role playing the character. Also include a 'monster' stat block for the DM to use the character as an NPC. I am doing something similar to this for a book I'm working on (in my signature . . . it's been nearing completion for way too long now), but I'm keeping them at one page each (stat block and all).

~

 

[I'm A Banana]

You're presenting it like the adventurers for the races in the PHB, right?

All you need is four sentences

Sentence #1: Name, class, and "hook" (what makes this character interesting, in a few words).

Sentence #2-3: Explanation of the "hook" (why is the character like that?)

Sentence #4: Quirk (what makes this character unique?)

That's it.

Anything else is just kind of pointless, since the character is only intended as an example of the race, not a full fledged NPC in their own right.

This is, of course, assuming your intention is that. If your intention is something else, I'd have to know more about your goals before I can give accurate advice for reaching them.

As a rule, I'd say the quantity of fluff matters a lot less than the quality of fluff, and high quality writing is about communicating something. Convey the information you want to without worrying about anything else.

 

[dammitbiscuit]

A sample character usually has a small handful of salient traits and quirks which are evocative and representative of the race or class being showcased. These are usually described in a quick, sweeping fashion, because your job is not to tell about a character, in this situation. Just spark the reader's imagination; a lot of detail may engross or distract them from the essential element or two that could inspire their next character.