A Question of Ethics:

[Living Legend]

0I may have made a mistake in how I explained that, ha ha. She is getting the visa so she can not be long distance. The thing is, she can't stay in the US for more than a few weeks at a time, without getting a visa, so she can't pursue a real relationship with the guy. So, she's engaged so that she can get the visa, so she can be live with him. If he wasn't around, there'd be no Visa, and she'd still be here.

That just changed the whole thing for me. She doesn't need this relationship to work out with this other dude, she wants it too.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago (we all were or you wouldn't be getting any responses I'm guessing). We had that connection, unlike anything I have ever felt. She was engaged but mostly for stability but she thought we were soulmates and it was all very complicated.

The bottom line was she didn't know what she wanted, and I should've gotten out of there a lot sooner. It ended very badly, and it really broke my heart. And I wasn't totally over her when I met the woman who is now my wife, and I thought about not seeing her because of that, but I'm glad I didn't make that decision.

I never found that same connection with my wife as I did with that girl, but looking back with clearer eyes, and having run into that girl since then, I am confident that I am happier with my wife than I would have been with her. We both know what we want out of life, and that clarity makes our relationship better, which in turn makes raising a family easier.

It amazes me how people don't seem to realize that one seemingly small decision can dramatically affect the rest of their lives. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, if they can't see the right thing to do then there isn't anything you can do about it. I say don't pass up an opportunity just because the timing sucks, timing always sucks.

 

[Umbran]

After all, all is fair in love and war.

Well, that's an ethical question, isn't it? Is all really fair? Alongside, the non-ethical question - whether or not it is fair, is it a good idea?

Is it likely to cause pain to your intended? Yes, if she has an emotional bond with the other guy, action to split them up is apt to lead to some amount of trauma. Do you want to cause that pain to your intended? If you do it, is she all that certain to favor you after you've done it? If you show yourself to be a cad and ruffian (so to speak), is she going to like that portion of you?

 

[Raven Crowking]

IMHO, you need to have an honest talk with Leela (and I am picturing Leela from Doctor Who here, not Futurama). What she does is her decision, not yours, but you need to let her know how you feel, and maybe she's just waiting for you to do so. It seems from your description that she knows how you feel, anyway. And, if it ruins the friendship.....well, maybe that's better for you in the long run, too. What you do not need to do is pressure her.

Then you need to talk to Kaylee, and be honest with her, too.

But you also need to take chances, or you'll never get anywhere. If you can't be with Leela, you might as well take a chance on forging another strong bond with someone else -- whether or not that someone else is Kaylee is for you to decide.

BUT, before you take my advice, I would suggest asking Dan Savage. He sees all, and knows all.


RC

 

[Wik]

IMHO, you need to have an honest talk with Leela (and I am picturing Leela from Doctor Who here, not Futurama). What she does is her decision, not yours, but you need to let her know how you feel, and maybe she's just waiting for you to do so. It seems from your description that she knows how you feel, anyway. And, if it ruins the friendship.....well, maybe that's better for you in the long run, too. What you do not need to do is pressure her.

Then you need to talk to Kaylee, and be honest with her, too.

But you also need to take chances, or you'll never get anywhere. If you can't be with Leela, you might as well take a chance on forging another strong bond with someone else -- whether or not that someone else is Kaylee is for you to decide.

BUT, before you take my advice, I would suggest asking Dan Savage. He sees all, and knows all.


RC

Sounds like good advice, all around. As for Leela, she knows how I feel, we've been completely honest with each other, even when it hurts (I won't ever lie to her). We're gonna be friends, no matter what. I can't stress enough how important this person is to me, ha.

And I would never pressure her. I've been in these situations (sort of) before. I'm more worried about "Kaylee" right now than "Leela", because I know Leela's a lost cause at this point in time.

I think fessing up to Kaylee and seeing where she wants to go from there might be the best bet. But whoo boy, THAT'S gonna be an awkward conversation, ha.

 

[Wik]

Anyways, thanks for the feedback, peeps. I still have no idea what to do in this situation, but at least I can get other viewpoints and try to figure it all out.

Yay for drama, eh?

 

[Spatula]

I'm with Stumblewyk in suggesting that you remove yourself from both women's lives. At least temporarily. Past the pain of seperating from Leela is, potentially, perspective on an emotionally-charged situation. I think you would be better off making a clear-headed decision about all of this, but that's not likely to happen when you're swimming in unrequited love. I say, spend some time apart, think about what it is that you need in your life, then decide.

 

[Scott DeWar]

I am going to throw a fortune cookie in the discussion:

do unto others as you would have done unto you. put your self in the other guy's shoes. Don't be judgemental at all. would you want some dude from another country to snag your girl from his grasp?

 

[Wik]

I am going to throw a fortune cookie in the discussion:

do unto others as you would have done unto you. put your self in the other guy's shoes. Don't be judgemental at all. would you want some dude from another country to snag your girl from his grasp?

I fully agree with this. In fact, that's why I haven't done anything. It's why I haven't said all sorts of bad things about him to her, even though I really, REALLY want to.

However, if I did what he did, I would not then try to blame it all on her, and then expect her to put down everything and MOVE COUNTRIES to be with me, and tell her that if she didn't do it, she wasn't committing to the relationship.

To put it bluntly, if I were in his situation, I can 100% say I would have made much more effort, and been less of a douche.

 

[Stumblewyk]

Anyways, thanks for the feedback, peeps. I still have no idea what to do in this situation, but at least I can get other viewpoints and try to figure it all out.

Yay for drama, eh?

Good luck. Whichever way you decide to go on this, it's going to be difficult. The best you can hope for in any situation is the most positive result for most of the involved parties. I hope things work out for you, somehow and some way.

Also, for the official record (someone *is* keeping an official record, aren't they?), I've come to find some of the best advice I've received on some of the craziest B.S. to go down in my life has come from (kind-of) strangers on the internet, because they're objective, and aren't emotionally invested in the outcome of the high drama.

 

[ThatGuyThere]

Alright, I'm gonna suck and be "that guy". (Hey, wait, I am!)

I say, go for Kaylee, after being honest with her about being cookoo for Leela (am I spelling that right?).

Having been there, and having done this, and having had Kaylee say, "Well, I'm not really planning on this being forever, either" ... I then had one of the best, most meaningful relationships of my life, that helped me get my head together and back on track.

Did it help me "forget" Leela? No; years later, I ended up 'married' to my Leela, actually. But for a while - several years - it helped me 'move on' from my Leela, so that I could get on with the rest of my life while waiting for Leela to sort things out.

So, yeah, I'm that guy, who's giving you the opposite advise of everyone else. If you go my way and it doesn't work out, you can totally say, "This guy on the Internet told me this would go so much better!"