A Question of Ethics:

[billd91]

As for Leela, she's in super panic attack mode because she really has no idea what to do. She's known how I feel about her for a long time. I told her the other day that I was tired of how I feel for her, and how it cannot really be returned back at this point in time, and I was going to just distance myself a little bit emotionally. I have been doing so, being a good friend, but nothing more. And her panic attacks have been getting worse, because the boyfriend is still being a wad.

Does she think her boyfriend is being a wad? Do other mutual friends of yours and Leela's think so? Are they offering any advice? I'd find out what they're saying about the situation. Maybe just tell them that you're not sure what to tell Leela yourself without looking like you're trying to break them up for your own benefit and see what they think.

I'm worried about her, but I'm not going to put myself in the position I was in last week. I'm just gonna be there for her as a friend, and hope everything works out.

Probably the best thing to do with respect to the relationship the two of you have. I've tried something like the deliberate distancing route and it was pretty miserable.

 

[Raven Crowking]

Again, I really wish you the best of luck. All of you.

 

[Scott DeWar]

Again, I really wish you the best of luck. All of you.

ditto. may the right decisions be made and may wisdom prevail.

 

[Sid Vicious]

Dude, I've been where you are and although from a hindsight standpoint I say run for the hills I can understand the desire to pursue Leela who is in a certain sense unobtainable but stranger things have happened. I guess the real question is do you want to spend your life playing the role of John Cater and reaching for Mars to try to get back to Dejah Thoris? If the answer is yes then I say go after Leela. But then again I'm a 20 something romantic idealist so what do I know.

 

[Vyvyan Basterd]

I know you don't want to hear this, but she is being manipulative. A good manipulator leaves those she toys with feeling like they haven't been. I was in almost your exact situation (except for the whole international aspect) about 20 years ago. My Leela had one crappy boyfriend after the next and used me as a shoulder to cry on. She asked me questions like "Would you marry me?" when crappy boyfriend #3.2 was non-commital to the point of cheating on her, knowing full-well that I had feelings for her. My feelings and her emotional dumping made it harder and harder to be friends. I realized that there was something about me that didn't click with her in a romantic sense (not that there is anything wrong with me, I just wasn't right for her), because if there was she would have dumped whoever and taken any of numerous chances to be with me. Ultimately we grew apart and both married other people. She moved away and cut herself off from her life here (as one of the bf is still a close friend of mine today and she wants nothing to do with him). We've crossed paths on the internet and would be happy to see each other in person if either of us travelled to the other's area. In hindsight I wish I had the wisdom to realize I was trapped in a situation of something that never was to be so I could have approached our relationship from a different angle that would have left me feeling less hurt at the time.

Hopefully me view from experience and the utside can help you avoid the same.

 

[Wik]

I know you don't want to hear this, but she is being manipulative.

And with all due respect, you're wrong. You're taking a past experience of your own and projecting it on a situation you only know part of. Trust me on this, she is not being manipulative. She is just, honestly, confused and doesn't know how to deal with her situation.

I appreciate your sharing and all, but my situation is very much different than yours. And I really do feel your pain - that all really, really sucks.

But we're different. Trust me on that.

 

[Sid Vicious]

Reach for Mars Wik, reach for Mars.

 

[wolff96]

I met my wife when she was engaged to someone else. But I wasn't about to let a cute gamer girl slip past me, especially when she and I had more chemistry than she and her fiancee *ever* did.

Maybe that makes me a #&@*, but if that's the case so be it. If you want it, you've got to be willing to fight for it.

 

[Sid Vicious]

Wolff96 is my new hero.

 

[Janx]

1. The emotional brain part decides befores the rational part rationalizes why it makes sense as a choice

2. This story is chock full of "what are y'all thinking" moments that prove #1 is in effect.

3. Internet relationships NEVER work, i don't care if you have a cousin who met his wife of 20 years online.

4. This girl met the guy once 2 years ago and now she is engaged? you should get engaged to people you have a real relationship to and that takes physical proximity

5. Long distance relationships NEVER work. One always finds a local relationship, hence point #4

6. Never relocate for a guy. Nearly every girl who does this for a bf regrets it as she's got no local support network when things fail.

7. You can't be friends with somebody your pining for and they're unavailable. The torch you burn for them will keep you from finding someone else.

8. Get the girl or get out. You ARE the local man. Per #5, if you can't win the girl, then she's just not into you.

9. Don't be a cheater or you both will question THIS relationship whenever an issue comes up, more cheating will be suspected. Do not move on the girl until she's out of a relationship.

10. Don't wait around forever for her to get out of a relationship. Make a move or move on.