Help! Advice needed on how to game with my friend who is a jerk.

[Dannyalcatraz]

And, if you come to the conclusion this person is a jerk (which does not equal "friend", in case you are wondering) then maintaining interactions with him outside of game time seems contraindicated, as well.

Ehhh...I have friends I consider jerks. Usually, their jerkitudinousness is not directed in my direction, so when it is, I can usually let it slide. Every once in a while, it blows up, but those instances are rare.


(Partly because, as one friend put it, I "have the patience of Job!")

 

[scourger]

...help dealing with "a friend who is acting like a jerk."

It should have been this, but I can't edit the thread title now.

 

[scourger]

Alternatively, simply leave and make it known to the other players why you're leaving. (Note: If you go this route, keep it short and sweet. Do not whinge for hours about every thing that X has done to you. Chances are, the other guys don't need it spelled out.) Then, when things implode later -- and they will -- it leaves you in a good position with the other friends for future games, assuming you did not get pissy or start whingeing.

Good advice and likely what I will do if things don't cool off. I think "calling him out" will lead to one of several undesired outcomes, and it would be unproductive no matter the result. Life is too short.

 

[Kealios]

Oh man. I feel for the OP.

I've been in this situation. It sucks (you wouldnt be from San Jose, would you? Heh...too much coincidence...).

Here's the deal. This might not be a popular thing to say, but gamers especially often suffer from a lack of social skills. In fact, some of the worst offenders make for the best roleplayers! I know this both from my own gaming experience, and also from my years of working at a game store. The problem is that, some people are jerks because its how they deal with their own reality. This wont make your situation any easier, but letting this guy know how you feel might estrange the two of you. He might not get your point, or wont care. Its hard to say. Sometimes you have to decide what you want most, make a go at being as diplomatic as you can, and trust in fate.

Two things might come of it:
1. Your friend pouts and leaves. Maybe he comes back later, maybe not, but you get to keep your game and group and have some mourning
2. Your friend gets it, desires reconciliation, shows some maturity, and the two of you forge ahead together.

A lot of it depends on your friend. It sounds like he may have some issues that are going to complicate things (if he didnt, you wouldnt be in this predicament in the first place!), and you may have to just roll the dice. I wish you luck, and courage.

 

[Grogg of the North]

Talk to the group and then talk to the player. It's better to get out ahead of this now and not let it simmer in the back of your mind.

Something similar just happened in my gaming group and it erupted. Badly. One player was acting similar to your friend (If we're not doing it my way, its the wrong way) and it eventually blew up with two of the players getting in an argument and one of them quitting.

Could it all have been handled differently? Yea, probably. But no one said anything because no one wanted to upset someone else. The GM didn't step in, the other players kept their quiet and it just ended badly.

 

[Nellisir]

You need to talk to the other players. If they're OK with his behavior (he's a jerk, but not to me...), then you either need to find a way to deal with it (you could talk to him, or change your approach) or leave. If they aren't OK, then you've got more room to negotiate. I'd talk to the DM first.

 

[Umbran]

With either approach a successful outcome alters the friend's behavior and recovers the entire group. However, if you try the counselling approach and you're unsuccessful, then you just wasted a lot of time being a camp counsellor to someone who is a grown-ass man and should know better. I view this a very large negative.

Well, you're starting to characterize things in ways I wouldn't - first of all is the "a lot of time" business. It's one conversation. How long does it take? An hour, max? How many bad movies have you wasted more time on than this one conversation?

Or is it the... "hand-holdiness" of it that you view as so incredibly negative? That I cannot help you with. This is how humans work - we have a myth that bluntness is a virtue, but we don't generally live up to it in practice. People often call for a bit more attention to their particular needs than that if we want to get along.

Now, you may personally just not want to bother with friendships that require that kind of effort, and that's your choice, based on your priorities. We can't measure the OP's priorities - we can only suggest what is most likely to work. Whether the effort is worth it is an individual decision.

 

[Systole]

I would not spend thirty seconds of my time trying to fix a deliberately abusive jerk, let alone an hour. If someone is making a conscious effort to be a turdbucket, then my advice is simply: f*** 'em. Seriously. Just, f*** 'em. Escalate if you want to, walk away if you have to, but never waste a single second being nice to a douchebag. Life is too short, and there are too many douchebags.

Look, occasionally my friends and I squabble, and I make an effort to fix these problems because I value these friendships. However, my friends are all, at minimum, not abusive jerks. When the OP starts using terms like "abusive" and "jerk" to describe a "friend," it strongly suggests to me that the best thing the OP could possibly do is seriously re-examine the friendship. Because f*** 'em. Seriously.

 

[Janx]

I would not spend thirty seconds of my time trying to fix a deliberately abusive jerk, let alone an hour. If someone is making a conscious effort to be a turdbucket, then my advice is simply: f*** 'em. Seriously. Just, f*** 'em. Escalate if you want to, walk away if you have to, but never waste a single second being nice to a douchebag. Life is too short, and there are too many douchebags.

What I tend to find is, the people who come across as jerks are those who espouse this philosophy.

Meaning, that if this is how you communicate, then you are likely viewed as a jerk by somebody else.

I'm not talking about us here who only get a snapshot of you (much like assuming too much about the OP). I'm talking people you personally interact with.

 

[Systole]

What I tend to find is, the people who come across as jerks are those who espouse this philosophy.

Meaning, that if this is how you communicate, then you are likely viewed as a jerk by somebody else.

I'm not talking about us here who only get a snapshot of you (much like assuming too much about the OP). I'm talking people you personally interact with.

I'm sure there are many people who consider me a jerk, but it just doesn't bother me. I've found enough people who value my company at least in part because of my bluntness, and I would rather be myself and have solid friends than spend my time looking for a 100% approval rating. To be fair, I do strive to be civil toward people who are civil to me. Likewise, I avoid people who I don't care for, or who don't seem to care for me. But if someone invades my social circles and wants to play at being an abusive jerk, well .... if you think I come off as sort of a jerk now, then you should see me when I put my mind to it.

But with regard to the OP, I don't feel I'm assuming too much. Both of us gave advice, and both of use had to make assumptions to formulate to our advice, because a four-paragraph forum post is not a perfectly drawn picture of a complex social situation. But the fact is, the words “abusive” and “jerk” were pretty central to the post. Given that, my assumption was that the OP has an abusive relationship with his friend, and my advice was that the OP should stop making excuses for the jerk friend and tell him to f*** off. Your assumption was, I think, that "abusive" and "jerk" were written more in irritation than in truth (or that perhaps these are resolvable issues), and that the OP should reconcile with his friend. And either of your possible assumptions might be right, but I think both of them are a longer stretch than mine. So if you think I assumed too much, hey, right back at ya.