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[monster truck match announcer voice] SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! DEATHMATCH DEATHMATCH DEATHMATCH! WALDORF VS. EDENA! THE BIGGEST FIGHT EVAR!?!?!?!? KIDS TICKETS STILL JUST $5 $5 $5!!! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! [/monster truck match announcer voice]

Fact 1: I have GMed for a bisexual Malaysian witch doctor private detective. Fact 2: I have played D&D with a bisexual heroin-addicted exotic dancer. Fact 3: I watched an NPC throw boiling hot salted coffee into another NPCs face. The Lie:

I should have started RPGs in middle school. I was making up interstellar empires then...but I didn't get into it until 11th grade or so.

Balls. How did I miss that? Olaf the Stout: Toy Story. "Marie Antoinette and her little sister."

Sounds like the D&D version of the movie Buried Alive. Except I'd do it cheaper, grindhouse style. "He betrayed their trust... Now they're back... He killed them for the money... and now he's going to choke on it!

Or, my god, maybe he could communicate with the company directly through some sort of postal system. Hmmmmmm.

Magic swords? In Conan? Howard's stories take the view of "He's Conan, bitch, that's what matters." Equally mystified here. "It's a sword, it looks like this" is all the detail I can remember from the four or five REH stories I've read. And Conan goes through a lot of swords. Get sword, fight...

The appropriate response to this situation is "Ah, :):):):). Last set of astral bodies gone. Let's come back in a few weeks when the wizard has more scrolls of Astral Spell prepped. Let's see what the Council of Eight has decided to do for their game this afternoon." ( or "I turn on my ring of...

My group has an NPC full orc Barbarian whose original player (now moved away) rolled really well for stats (55-point buy or so), but you could reduce his 12's in mental scores to 8's and still have his ridiculous 22 (base) Strength and 18 Constitution, which are the backbone of his character...

I am suddenly reminded of Brewster's Millions. "I wanna hire all of you guys as my bodyguards starting right now, and I'll pay you 100 gold pieces an hour!" They don't want to be horribly hunted down and killed? Or have to drag off all that loot? Duh?

Ring of Sustenance, silly.

My first thought is of Resident Evil 4's wandering invincible merchant guys.

Faster than Bard?

There's this amazing device we have now called a photocopier. You can copy pages out of books on it. :lol:

Funny man! Tell me another one. A more logical scenario (IMO) would be that the PCs can't just up and run off to the city to buy what they want from the local Guild of Alakazammers because they're employed. Can't just send anyone to pick up thousands of gp in property, either. They get some...

Tiger don't change his stripes, apparently.

If I was 1st level and found (as opposed to being told or shown where it is, etc.) a secret thieve's guild, I'd be shaking my head at the sloppy design. Adventures should make some sense.

What the hell. Seriously. What the hell. They're what, 4th level, is that correct? And you expect them to pay the 5,000 gp diamond cost for Raise Dead out of their 4,500gp total wealth? Well, they'll spend more time unconscious and less time dead in GURPS, at least. I shudder to think...

I originally read this as "...and let the horses lick it to death..."

Don't forget you can take 20 on Hide checks.