Given the recent elf-related posts, and in the interests of self-aggrandizement history, I present to you the original, poorly edited, extraordinarily immature April Fool's Day post I made around five years ago on what one might call The Elvish Problem. It was lost in the Great Server Crash of 2002, but I have dug it up out of my archives, and present it to you again for your (limited) amusement.
<prepares for Piratecat ban>
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Greetings, and welcome to the second lecture in the 75 part series, "Things that Forrester knows Suck Ass"
Those of you in the know are aware that this was scheduled to be a 63 part series. However, due to either the incompetence of my secretary or my blood alcohol level last night, twelve of the lectures were dropped from the initial list. Specifically, lectures #2, #8, #14, #16, #17, #18, #22, #31, #35, #41, #44, and #61 were missing. In each lecture I'll be talking about all things elven - at least, in between the dry heaves. Of course, this also refers to all things aelven, aelfin, elvaen, whatever - however they are referred to in your gaming circle, they are the same damn pimple on the butt of campaign worlds everywhere.
Now, I know that you're wondering, "What can Forrester possibly have against elves? I mean, other than the fact that they kill orc babies?" Let's begin with a couple excerpts of note.
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"Elves are cautious warriors . . . using ambushes, snipers, and camouflage. They prefer to fire from cover and retreat before they are found, repeating this maneuver until all of their enemies are dead." (from the 3E MM description of elves)
"The concept of a fair fight is meaningless in [goblin] society. They favor ambushes, overwhelming odds, dirty tricks, and any other edge they can devise." (from the 3E MM description of goblins)
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Are you beginning to catch my drift? Cowardly behavior is to be frowned upon . . . unless you're an elf. Elitist, racist behavior is to be frowned upon . . . unless you're an elf. When you're an elf, you're good at*everything*! Remember the 2E Handbook of elves? I hope that the brain tumor responsible for the "Bladesinger" has been excised by now. And plate mail that elves can cast SPELLS IN? What the hell was up with that? I thought that dwarves were supposed to be the ones good at armorsmithing. Um, no . . . elves are even better.
Which is odd, because elves are not merely portrayed as uber-warrior-wizards from hell, the twinkiest of the twink races. They are also described as panty-waist limp-wristed fans of bad poetry and worse music, who "might offer a fist-sized nugget of gold for the performance of a song" (Dragon Magazine #279). I know they have long life spans, but so do dwarves. Dwarves spend all day in the mines and in the armory banging out weapons and tools - elves seem to spend most of their days prancing around singing "Fa-la-la". I would think that dwarves would have the advantage when it comes to smithing. Nope.
It is this doubly irritating dual nature of the elven race that causes them to suck the amount of ass that they do. They are both girly-man elitists and munchkin warriors from hell, with bonuses out the wazoo. The amount of ass-sucking is increased when we consider the kinds of players who like to PLAY elves.
Raise your hand if you've ever seen an elven PC "offer a fist-sized nugget of gold for a song". Um, let's see, that's . . . . let me count . . . . NOBODY. Not a soul. Players who play elves invariably forget the fa-la-la aspect of their race and concentrate on min-maxing the living hell out of it. Most elven PC's are greedy little munchkins who would laugh heartily at the very idea of giving up a copper for a song, much less a pile of gold. They play elves because they like having justification for playing elitist jerks who believe that the entire world is their property. This would be considered "evil" if the person was playing an orc or a goblin. It's "good" when the person worshippers King Twink, Corellon Larethian, and it gives them permission for committing any act that would be thought of in most circles as bestial and inhumane (i.e., the killing of orc babies).
So what's a DM to do, when a player says he wants to play an Aelf in the next campaign? Simple: make sure that the player recognizes his dual nature. And no, I'm not talking about the dual nature mentioned in Dragon #279, i.e., the crap about "The You and the We". This piece of elvish brainwashing talks about how each elf "must make herself truly individualistic, but without a trace of selfishness". This is elf-speak for "I can be as selfish as I want, but I'm not really selfish, just individualistic, 'cause I'm an elf so it's okay, so I'll individualistically gather up all of these magic items here, not because I'm selfish, but because I 'love magic and feel it in my bones like perhaps no other race', it says so on p.36". You elves out there know what I'm talking about.
No, I mean the other dual nature. Force each player of an elven PC to dance and prance around the gaming table each session, just to show us exactly how his character is supposed to be acting most of the time. Some bad poetry wouldn't hurt either.
Trust me, you'll cut down on the number of elves in your campaign. Or, you'll end up laughing your ass off. Either way, it's a good thing.
Forrester
PS. I hesitated re-posting this, as I have no doubt that the few people posting here today that were also around 5 years ago, remember it being better than it actually was. Assuming they liked it in the first place
.
PPS. I found my other, more-amusing post on stupid, STUPID character names. It includes pseudo-gems like this:
Of course, if you're too lazy to do the vowel substitution or the "Y" substitution, you can settle with tacking two words together that seem kind of medieval or poetic. Throw some vaguely violent or tough word in front of it, and there you go: instant Mind-Dribble Fantasy name. (Of course, substitutions after the fact only make the name stronger.)
Try it! I will, right here.
Storm Battleblade
Fyre Windhope
Granite Mountynblast
Morningstar Hammersword
Flatulence Piratecat
Fun for the whole family.
If you're good, and I'm not banned (they wouldn't ban an ENWORLD SUPPORTER, would they?!), maybe I'll post that next . . .
<prepares for Piratecat ban>
------
Greetings, and welcome to the second lecture in the 75 part series, "Things that Forrester knows Suck Ass"
Those of you in the know are aware that this was scheduled to be a 63 part series. However, due to either the incompetence of my secretary or my blood alcohol level last night, twelve of the lectures were dropped from the initial list. Specifically, lectures #2, #8, #14, #16, #17, #18, #22, #31, #35, #41, #44, and #61 were missing. In each lecture I'll be talking about all things elven - at least, in between the dry heaves. Of course, this also refers to all things aelven, aelfin, elvaen, whatever - however they are referred to in your gaming circle, they are the same damn pimple on the butt of campaign worlds everywhere.
Now, I know that you're wondering, "What can Forrester possibly have against elves? I mean, other than the fact that they kill orc babies?" Let's begin with a couple excerpts of note.
------------
"Elves are cautious warriors . . . using ambushes, snipers, and camouflage. They prefer to fire from cover and retreat before they are found, repeating this maneuver until all of their enemies are dead." (from the 3E MM description of elves)
"The concept of a fair fight is meaningless in [goblin] society. They favor ambushes, overwhelming odds, dirty tricks, and any other edge they can devise." (from the 3E MM description of goblins)
------------
Are you beginning to catch my drift? Cowardly behavior is to be frowned upon . . . unless you're an elf. Elitist, racist behavior is to be frowned upon . . . unless you're an elf. When you're an elf, you're good at*everything*! Remember the 2E Handbook of elves? I hope that the brain tumor responsible for the "Bladesinger" has been excised by now. And plate mail that elves can cast SPELLS IN? What the hell was up with that? I thought that dwarves were supposed to be the ones good at armorsmithing. Um, no . . . elves are even better.
Which is odd, because elves are not merely portrayed as uber-warrior-wizards from hell, the twinkiest of the twink races. They are also described as panty-waist limp-wristed fans of bad poetry and worse music, who "might offer a fist-sized nugget of gold for the performance of a song" (Dragon Magazine #279). I know they have long life spans, but so do dwarves. Dwarves spend all day in the mines and in the armory banging out weapons and tools - elves seem to spend most of their days prancing around singing "Fa-la-la". I would think that dwarves would have the advantage when it comes to smithing. Nope.
It is this doubly irritating dual nature of the elven race that causes them to suck the amount of ass that they do. They are both girly-man elitists and munchkin warriors from hell, with bonuses out the wazoo. The amount of ass-sucking is increased when we consider the kinds of players who like to PLAY elves.
Raise your hand if you've ever seen an elven PC "offer a fist-sized nugget of gold for a song". Um, let's see, that's . . . . let me count . . . . NOBODY. Not a soul. Players who play elves invariably forget the fa-la-la aspect of their race and concentrate on min-maxing the living hell out of it. Most elven PC's are greedy little munchkins who would laugh heartily at the very idea of giving up a copper for a song, much less a pile of gold. They play elves because they like having justification for playing elitist jerks who believe that the entire world is their property. This would be considered "evil" if the person was playing an orc or a goblin. It's "good" when the person worshippers King Twink, Corellon Larethian, and it gives them permission for committing any act that would be thought of in most circles as bestial and inhumane (i.e., the killing of orc babies).
So what's a DM to do, when a player says he wants to play an Aelf in the next campaign? Simple: make sure that the player recognizes his dual nature. And no, I'm not talking about the dual nature mentioned in Dragon #279, i.e., the crap about "The You and the We". This piece of elvish brainwashing talks about how each elf "must make herself truly individualistic, but without a trace of selfishness". This is elf-speak for "I can be as selfish as I want, but I'm not really selfish, just individualistic, 'cause I'm an elf so it's okay, so I'll individualistically gather up all of these magic items here, not because I'm selfish, but because I 'love magic and feel it in my bones like perhaps no other race', it says so on p.36". You elves out there know what I'm talking about.
No, I mean the other dual nature. Force each player of an elven PC to dance and prance around the gaming table each session, just to show us exactly how his character is supposed to be acting most of the time. Some bad poetry wouldn't hurt either.
Trust me, you'll cut down on the number of elves in your campaign. Or, you'll end up laughing your ass off. Either way, it's a good thing.
Forrester
PS. I hesitated re-posting this, as I have no doubt that the few people posting here today that were also around 5 years ago, remember it being better than it actually was. Assuming they liked it in the first place
.PPS. I found my other, more-amusing post on stupid, STUPID character names. It includes pseudo-gems like this:
Of course, if you're too lazy to do the vowel substitution or the "Y" substitution, you can settle with tacking two words together that seem kind of medieval or poetic. Throw some vaguely violent or tough word in front of it, and there you go: instant Mind-Dribble Fantasy name. (Of course, substitutions after the fact only make the name stronger.)
Try it! I will, right here.
Storm Battleblade
Fyre Windhope
Granite Mountynblast
Morningstar Hammersword
Flatulence Piratecat
Fun for the whole family.
If you're good, and I'm not banned (they wouldn't ban an ENWORLD SUPPORTER, would they?!), maybe I'll post that next . . .
![:]](http://www.enworld.org/forum/images/smilies/devious.png "Devious :]")
