Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)

[Berandor]

First, Congratulations to BSF!

Second, a deserved praise for the judges; alle three of you give off great feedback! And barsoomcore even used "grammatical inexactitude", a great phrase if I ever heard one!

Third, with regards to answering to judgements/commentary by non-judges: I am kind of torn on that issue; on the one hand I must agree with barsoomcore that it easily dissolves into justification if you're not careful, on the other hand the commentator (is that an English word?) has spent time on my story and the commentary, and I feel somewhat obliged to address her concerns.

Fourth, copied from the judge-free thread:
BardStephenFox, Delusional: A fine entry imo, and a stab at environmentalists I wasn't too clear about the correlation between Yu dying and the weather company opening, but otherwise I liked what you did with the pictures. It seems that save for the "shadow-horns", you put a different spin on each of them.
Having the meat be human meat with some fish thrown in as cover was great, and the "Angel of Death" was a cool use for a cool pic. It's fortunate the body was dead for too long, so the druids left it hanging in the fence
I enjoyed the relationship between the killer and the demon; it was nice how Yu reacted to some things the Dr. only thought. In the end, I was left wondering whether Darren was a good guy or a bad guy; I think that's what you tried to achieve, so my hat's off - that's a difficult thing to achieve in three days.

Francisca, Agent Keady:
I can't help but feel a little let down by this story. For one, I thought the fight/finale was over a little too quick; even though her final words were fine (inspired by a Meta thread? ), it all ended in three very short paragraphs, so it wasn't really a tense moment for me.
Otherwise, the story is fine. So why am I feeling let down? I think the pictures weren't used very good, that's why. I think none of the pictures were used really well. It almost seemed as if you'd just ported a story over to a circus environment to make them fit.
"After the beatles": That could have been a good use, but the killer's employ of animals at the killing site isn't brought up again. Maybe Atanasia could have ripped apart an animal before jumping at Keady? That would have resolved that issue as well as given him more time to escape his bounds.
"Dinner": This pic is just in because they go fishing. Why do they go fishing? I don't know. They just go fishing, and there happens to be a pile of chum lying around.
"me and my shadow": this pic is really just a throwaway. I liked that you tied your story in with former works, but to a reader of this story, the horned shadow isn't really important. And you seem to realize it, too, because you forget the pic as soon as you used it. Perhaps you could have focused on it for a paragraph or two, with a more detailed flashback to Keady's former experiences? Have time stretch, and the moment before Keady recognizes the helmet for what it is might become a tense moment in the story.
"taall women": Atanasia wears a costume. For about one paragraph, she is half woman, half giraffe. And then, she's wearing a short black dress, and the costume's forgotten.
I really liked the story, but I fear the pictures weren't your forte, this time.

ETA: O.k., after re-reading my comments on Francisca's story, I hope they're not too harsh. I just know you can do better, is all.

Fifth: I couldn't help but use semi-colons at the beginning, just as I am awfully tempted to write a story with a humongous load of exclamation marks next round

 

[Macbeth]

*laugh* Possibly. The salsa garden is still maturing so it wouldn't be garden fresh. But, I like salsa and it might not be a bad idea to placate my muse ahead of time.

And it would definately add to the festival atmosphere... And it would give everybody something to munch on while watching Li beat Keldorn in the duel...

But seriously, don't feel pressured, I only ment it as a joke.

 

[Graywolf-ELM]

*laugh* Possibly. The salsa garden is still maturing so it wouldn't be garden fresh. But, I like salsa and it might not be a bad idea to placate my muse ahead of time.

Now I need to find the salsa and chips, thanks for passing the munchies on to me.

GW

PS: If you guys are in the area, and are short a player, send me a note. It would be interesting to see what kind of game you throw down.

 

[alsih2o]

Just awaiting a couple of more judgements. Soon!

 

[Taladas]

Well you could let me finish up the judgements but there is a slight conflict of interest.

 

[BSF]

Posting some commentary/response from the non-judge thread. The judges will no longer be come "biased" by anything said about my story and they might be interested in what was said.

BSF's story

Very interesting. I have notes about the story and now realize I didn't note much about the picture usage. Which means, to me, they were so well integrated that I didn't think about them. Let's see, the bird pic was excellently used. Very morbid, very well done. Loved the multiple useage.

Thanks! The bird was my primary "issue". Seeing it, I couldn't get the image of an angel out of my mind. I tried three different ways to work a story in with that image. I took a chance on the multiple usage. Normally I would say it twice, but use it once. But, using the image twice just felt "right". In this case I decided to go with my gut.

The giraffe pic was essential to the story and well done. Umm... the meat/fish pic was okay. Not really essential, but an established series of events. The shadows was almost a throw-away, though I'm sure it was responsible for spawning the story. It was just so incidental and the Dr. immediately forgot it.

*nod* Good point. I was trying to work the doctor's refusal to acknowledge Lou as part of the story - Delusional. Maybe I tried to be too light with it? I will definitely give that some thought.

Okay, picture commentary done. I thought this was a little slow in gearing up. The interesting character isn't the doctor, who we learn almost nothing about, but Darren Yu. I wanted Darren there sooner.

Guilty! You should have seen the dreck I cut out to get Darren there as soon as I did. Unfortunately, I needed to do the writing to get my state of mind where it needed to be. But, more editing might have allowed story flow to come sooner.

Hot Button Alert: I'm a chemist. So seeing chemical accidents reference will get my ire up. Pampa did happen, but from what I could learn on a quick Google search was that the explosion didn't cause any deaths, which is at odds with the town being deserted. It seemed to me on my searching that the town was still alive and well. Maybe that is incorrect (you live closer) but if it is true that the town is still there, I would suggest being more careful in the description 'cause the story as it stands could piss off any chemists in the area or who were involved. There was a seperate suit against a chemical firm there for toxic waste leakage, in the 90s, but I don't think that is what you are referencing. Okay, soapbox being return to storage.

Fair enough. I will make a little commentary just because.

I've been through Pampa on my way to the Celanese plant there. We had a location in the plant that I had to cut-over a network connection for. Very odd place for me. I had to go through all the safety videos, I had to wear a hard hat, I had to have long pants and steel-toed boots. I learned the sirens they use for the different emergencies. It's been over a year, so I would need to take a refresher safety course if I were ever to go back. This was odd to me. Keeping in mind that my father worked for Sandia National Labs, on Kirtland Air Force base, it wasn't as if I never had to think about things like that. It was just so different.

Part of that difference was driving through the town of Pampa. It was spooky because I was expecting to find a few buildings. Maybe a general store or a gas station. Maybe a little cafe. But, there was nothing. I asked the guy I was working with about it and he told me about the explosion and how all the structures were damaged and Celanese just bought the structures and the land. Inside the plant, they have a little wall with some information on it. It was an interesting read. I'm sure there are still people living there. I think they still have a post office building. But the only landmarks I saw from the time I entered Pampa to the time I left was the Celanese plant, the stop sign on the road out of the Celanese plant, and a grain silo. Weird!

Then I got back to Albuquerque and I decided to look it up on the net the next day. Nothing! I could talk to people that remembered the event. I talked to people that remembered hearing about the explosion. But, I couldn't find very much on the net. I could find other related explosions that seemed to be on the same scale, but nothing substantial about Pampa. It kind of bothered me. Maybe there was something subconscious for a story there?

As I recall, there were two people that died in that explosion. It was a Sunday afternoon and there weren't many people working that day. Overall, it was a "good" accident because there was very little loss of life.

The Druid/rain thing reminded me of the rainmaker story from the last contest, which I think was one of your stories, IIRC. Was that on purpose?

Yes it was. Very much so in fact. It was the third idea that came to me. Se below for more of my thoughts on that.

I really think the Dr. came across stupid. He should have cared more about the mind reading. He should have guessed the nuke test, not WWII since most educated Americans [especially someone of that age] should know 1945 was the year of the bomb, even if they don't know if it was the test or the dropping.

I think the doctor came across as flat and not the brightest bulb out there. I realized it as I finished the story and it wasn't entirely my intent. Though, Darren is certainly not the smartest character out there either.

Oddly enough, I did an informal poll after I posted the story. Most of my co-workers remembered that WWII was happening then. None of them could peg that July 16, 1945 was when we first tested the bomb. I am beginning to wonder if there is some social commentary to be had here. For the record, I had to lookup what day we tested the bomb. So, I am no better. (Or maybe it is a commentary on public education in New Mexico?)

I really wanted more direct info on Lou. I think this would be much better told from Darren's POV than the Dr.'s. Then we could see and interact with Lou.

Really? Cool, I will keep that in mind. It would be a different direction for me to explore.

A chilly ending [what is with you guys and the deadly bad stuff this round!?!?] and nice use of the connection. I do wonder how the magic of his death from beyond the grave or whatever worked.

Zhaneel

Huh - I hadn't even considered that as part of the story. Now you are making me think I didn't go far enough. Interesting.

I wanted a kind of a dueling perspective on what is real and who is deluding themselves. I wanted the reader to get done and maybe ponder whether Darren was right, or whether he was just a wack case who strung together disparate circumstances to make a big, magical conspiracy. (The Doctor certainly went with that theory.) I wanted a moral question if you accept that there are people using magic that could end drought. If you killed those that opposed such a noble goal, are you evil? Is there a relative morality? And if you saw the links to Rainmaker, you might see how even a noble goal might be twisted to serve base greed. There are definitely ties to Rainmaker in Delusional! The two stories are very much related, but I am hoping that maybe Delusional has enough to stand on it's own.

As for the morbid tone, I blame the pile of meat and the bird corpse. It's hard not to look at those two pics and not feel somewhat morbid. Before the pics came out, I was wondering if I could write a decent story dealing with the human experience of Love. Not anything very romantic/erotic, just something that kind of had that feel good feeling with a very human story. That would be a different type of story for me to write.

 

[BSF]

And my response to Berandor's comments

BardStephenFox, Delusional: A fine entry imo, and a stab at environmentalists I wasn't too clear about the correlation between Yu dying and the weather company opening, but otherwise I liked what you did with the pictures. It seems that save for the "shadow-horns", you put a different spin on each of them.
Having the meat be human meat with some fish thrown in as cover was great, and the "Angel of Death" was a cool use for a cool pic. It's fortunate the body was dead for too long, so the druids left it hanging in the fence
I enjoyed the relationship between the killer and the demon; it was nice how Yu reacted to some things the Dr. only thought. In the end, I was left wondering whether Darren was a good guy or a bad guy; I think that's what you tried to achieve, so my hat's off - that's a difficult thing to achieve in three days.

Thanks! I am finding it most interesting to read the comments because it is really showing me where I left things open to interpretation. I dig that you are not sure if Darren is a good guy or a bad guy. I wanted that to be something the reader could decide. There are things in the story that I wasn't sure I wanted to write answers to. I wasn't sure if I should, or not. It is something I am keenly pondering.

I am also glad you liked the pic usage. I remember reading the first Ceramic DM I stumbled across, last October. I especially remember watching Piratecat get nailed for a weak pic usage. (I also remember watching Mythago take down our furry friend in that last showdown.) I decided that if I were going to give it a shot, I wanted to try to find strong pic usage every single time.

Not that I always succeed, but it is always high in my mind. It's tough because sometimes the pics are so far out there and your mind just won't wrap itself around it. It is one of the things I enjoy about Ceramic DM, trying to find a story in those disparate suggestions. It is always fun to see how somebody else wove the pics into a story, and I think knowing that somebody else is also trying to wrap their minds around the same pics you are makes it easier to keep going when you feel stuck.

 

[Piratecat]

Well, at least I can serve as a bad example.

 

[BSF]

*Raises eyebrow at Piratecat*

At least you can serve as a bad example? As I recall, you still won that round (Services Rendered) and it it was a very enjoyable story. Sure, you served as a bit of an object lesson, but that is hardly a bad example. You are supportive of everyone that tries their hand at Ceramic DM, and you offer great feedback. Hardly a bad example at all.

 

[BSF]

OK, so far we have the following folks in Round Two.

CarpeDavid - Taking down our feline pirate friend
BardStephenFox - That's me
Berandor - He who mocks Whisperfoot!
Macbeth - Previous semi-finalist who has never won against Mythago (Lucky for him she is judging this time.)
Orchid Blossom - Wannabe underdog hoping we all forgot about her entry last Ceramic DM
Rodrigo Istalindir - For whom I do not have anything really snappy to say.

That leaves us two unknowns for competitors. We still have the tension of the random draw to see what the pair-offs will be. (Hopefully I will avoid pairing off against Macbeth on the second round.) We still have a lot of smack talk to post. And we have the moment of thinking "Where did Mark get that picture?" as well as the moment of "How the hell am I supposed to write around that?"

I don't know about you, but I am looking forward to it.