Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)
- Thread starter alsih2o
- Start date
orchid blossom
Explorer
That's rough, sorry to hear it. Good luck to you in finding a new job you can enjoy, and finding it in short order.
barsoomcore
Unattainable Ideal
Yeah, it's meant to be.alsih2o said:Ouch. But your resume is entertaining.
I mean, I want to receive PFO's that were sent with a smile, you know what I mean?
Ao the Overkitty
First Post
Bumps happen.
I'm using this time to go back through and catch up on the stories I've missed.
I'm using this time to go back through and catch up on the stories I've missed.
alsih2o
First Post
Carpe David Vs. Bard Stephen Fox
Barsoomcore-
carpedavid "The Strange Tale of Arthur Peddington"
The title is nicely typical, but it could do with something more
evocative -- just the tiniest smidgen.
This is a fine "weird tale" -- very little explanation, first-person
narration (in the form of an actual document), and a nice little zinger
at the end (I was actually a little disappointed the last three words
weren't in italics).
There's a couple of bits and pieces that are left a little too loosely,
however. What's the connection of the skeletal beast to the bird-men?
Why did our hero survive (if the beast could find their ship, surely it
could find him)? What were the duplicate bodies all about? And who the
heck mailed Arthur's face to him? While I don't mind (in fact, even
enjoy) a couple of loose ends here and there, this story leaves them
lying around too casually even for me.
But the primary failing of the story is the failure to deliver the
mounting tension that one of these stories (especially one that pays so
many compliments to HPL) must generate as the narrative winds on.
There's a mention of big birds. Well, big birds just aren't all that
scary. The episode with the "bird-man in the night" is good but never
delivered on. The bird-things never return to the story, so...
The first section is the best -- an excellent opening. It provides us
with lots of promises: an explanation for Charles' state, the fate of
the expeditionary party, the identity of the disembodied face, and of
course the reason for our narrator to have received any disembodied
face at all.
But much gets lost in subsequent sections. You need to build up your
tension more steadily, with constant references to upcoming events and
horrors. HPL is a tough model to follow because what he did was so
terribly difficult -- he was able to walk the line between suggesting
and showing, leaving as much to your imagination as possible but still
giving enough details to keep you gripped. And even he failed at that
more often than he succeeded.
It may be that the form is just too short to do what you want to do.
That the tension requires the sort of space that a story like "The Rats
In The Walls" or "The Lurker At The Threshold" can give. But even so, I
think you needed to provide a few more choice details in the second
part of the story to keep the reader going. Statements like: "a
sentiment I'm sure Pickman would share, would he still alive," aren't
good enough. Give me a clearer detail (not a complete picture of
course, but a detail) of Pickman's fate -- I don't know from what you
wrote if he died of old age or what.
Using "cursory" twice in the same paragraph is perhaps overkill.
Then we come to big final action sequence of the story -- the discovery
of the city, the entrance to the "storeroom", the escape and the final
confrontation at sea. A couple of notes: Martin Whateley's death has no
impact emotionally because it has no impact NARRATIVELY. It makes no
difference, it reveals nothing and it is only really there because the
picture needs to be addressed.
You're juggling too many elements: bird people, pod people, weather
control and finally, skeletal beings at sea. None of which really seem
to fit together.
And the final revelation, though enjoyably pulpy, leaves us with more
questions still, and no sense of resolution -- the story does not
deliver on the primary question it promises to answer: Why was the face
mailed to Arthur?
Still, a very readable story and commendable picture use. Thanks.
BardStephenFox "Quest for Mimir"
Good old Godan.
There's a nearly-fatal drive towards too much explanation in this
story. Relax! Your readers are smart people, they'll figure it out.
They're patient, they'll keep reading even if you don't explain
everything.
For example, the very first line of dialogue sounds so polished and
complete that it deflates the urgency you're trying to start with. If
Jack's got time and energy to put together long and complicated
sentences like this one, I guess he's not quite as tired as he claims.
We don't need to know anything about a phylactery at this point. Just
the weird image of guys carrying a flaming litter is good enough for
your opening.
Improve your punctuation use. Read "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" and pay
special attention to the chapter on the comma. Especially the comments
on "yob's commas" which your story is unfortunately blighted with in
abundance. Your writing would appear significantly more professional
and competent if your usage and style were better.
The "three reasons" scene is good, but too long. Again, you're pouring
too much into my cup. Stop! Give me a chance to sip and savour. Have
faith in your material. Have faith in your reader.
The sequence in Hel's apartment works well and the face is nicely
integrated. I'd like a clearer picture of the place, though. I get a
list of furniture, a description of colour and a statement that there
was no artwork. Try to integrate your descriptions into your actions,
and you can give better images. What furniture does Jack slink around?
How does the colour scheme affect his searching? Good description
involves action and depends on strong verbs.
Don't put commas after "But". Please. Stop.
The sequence with the "kite shadow" doesn't fit with the flow of the
story and has no impact on the narrative. The situation at the end of
the scene is exactly the same as it was at the beginning of the scene.
Better would have been to have Jack take control of the shadow and
maybe use it against the dragon at the end of the story -- then at
least I feel like there was a reason for me reading that scene. As it
stands now, you could cut the scene and there would be no impact on the
story.
Stop using exclamation points. If it's not exciting to begin with, you
putting up "This is exciting" signs isn't going to help.
WAY too much explanation during the "kite shadow" scene. Guy controls
the shadows, drops a rock, Jack gets the rock, controls the shadow. We
can figure it out for ourselves. Stop explaining everything. I feel
like you think I can't figure it out and that makes me cranky. Don't
make your readers cranky.
Don't use the word "dracolich". It's jargon and has no meaning outside
of d20 rules. Use some other word or description.
Why's there a litter in the captain's cabin? Never mind. It's okay.
That one I'll give you.
But how is it that their ship is sinking and yet they can jump
overboard and WALK to the shore? I mean... It doesn't make huge amounts
of sense.
You've got good narrative sense and sharp descriptions. Your story
moves along well and the picture use is quite spectacular. This is a
very solid Ceramic DM entry. But you really, really, really need to
start cutting yourself more thoroughly.
Jusdgement: BardStephenFox
Alsih2o-
BSF- I like starting with the action and working back, personal preference, but still a preference. J And the payment, covering a skin, nice touch, very real feeling.
But this doesn’t have the pace and wording of a 6000 word story, I frequently get the feeling that you are trying to put 18,000 words in a 6000 word box. In the moments like the one where Jack is starting a fire on a sinking ship your real talent for a scene comes out. But it is sometimes cancelled by your hurry to describe a dracolich attack, or the briefness of the shadow attack. All good scenes, but they feel a bit cramped. Part of this is the conditions of the competition, but I feel that another part of it is you tring to do too much.
I like the modern mythology angle, but wish you would have dragged in the play of all the interesting rewqrds at the end when the 9th rune was seen, the were all developed enough that I want to see them come to fruition.
You are a really good writer BSF. You make me wanna host a 9 month 300,000 word competition- you and siala maybe. J
Carpe David- How does one get new people interested in Ceramic DM? Certainly we can take someone new and then turn them against Piratecat and the BSF, what a friendly entry!
I wish I was good enough at this part to really pin down why the first 3 paragraphs here rock so hard, I almost immediately get a fel for “where” the characters are, but it is done in such a way that I want to say where I am. J
Great use of “top of the morning”!!!
Great use of “need a light?”!!!
Great story. Solid as a piece of stone, continuous in approach and smooth in pacing..even when it gets hectic.
How do oyu get new people interested? Stick ‘em with a hard draw and watch them kick butt!
Judgement: Carpe David, BSF was solid, but CD is kicking butt and taking names.
Mythago-
THE STRANGE TALE OF ARTHUR PEDDINGTON (Carpedavid)
Very nice use of the style of the genre, which wobbles only a little
towards the middle of the piece. EXCELLENT integration of the pictures
into the story; nothing is a throwaway. I would have liked a little more
detail on the skeletal beast, to understand what relationship it had to
the bird-men (was it a skeletal bird of some sort?). It's tough to do this
kind of pastiche without just going through the motions.
I would also have liked a little more on the strange tubes. We don't get
much of a sense that they're Evil Science. I thought they were statutes at
first. There's no sense of the horror and unnaturalness. They're
mentioned, and then our heroes are smashing them.
Where the story really hurts is when you get cute. The device of warding
off incredulity by mentioning that it SOUNDS like bad fiction is, well,
overly cute. And it reminds the reader that this is a piece of fiction.
The re-use of specific Lovecraftian names, I didn't like much either. I
understand making the expedition out of Arkham, but referring to specific
characters (or notorious families) straight out of known fiction again
breaks the fourth wall. It's like the League of Insanely Gibbering
Gentlemen.
QUEST FOR MIMIR (Bardstephenfox)
The chronology on this seriously weakens the story. There are times when
it's good to break up linear flow, or where it makes sense to shift around
in time, but this isn't one of them; we start out in the middle and then
segue to a lengthy, detailed flashback. It doesn't seem likely that Jack
would reflect on the details and dialogue of his commission while he's
fighting the ocean. I also wondered why he was tempted by the gold--he's a
god too, right? And even though he's greedy, if he's that good a thief
he's got money enough. It would have made more sense for Jack to be
disinterested until the real prize, the ninth secret, was dangled.
The prose also repeats itself: He had until April 30 to complete the
job, which gave him nine days. Nine Days, only nine days! "Mr. Godan,
April 30 is only nine days away." Okay, we get the idea. There are a
lot of instances like this, where the editing could have been much better.
The picture use was adequate. I was bothered by some of the plot holes. If
Hel's so bad-ass, she probably has good security to back up her
reputation, and she wouldn't breeze by Jack only to go after him later.
Judgment this round for CARPEDAVID
Decision- Carpe David eeks it out 2-1
Barsoomcore-
carpedavid "The Strange Tale of Arthur Peddington"
The title is nicely typical, but it could do with something more
evocative -- just the tiniest smidgen.
This is a fine "weird tale" -- very little explanation, first-person
narration (in the form of an actual document), and a nice little zinger
at the end (I was actually a little disappointed the last three words
weren't in italics).
There's a couple of bits and pieces that are left a little too loosely,
however. What's the connection of the skeletal beast to the bird-men?
Why did our hero survive (if the beast could find their ship, surely it
could find him)? What were the duplicate bodies all about? And who the
heck mailed Arthur's face to him? While I don't mind (in fact, even
enjoy) a couple of loose ends here and there, this story leaves them
lying around too casually even for me.
But the primary failing of the story is the failure to deliver the
mounting tension that one of these stories (especially one that pays so
many compliments to HPL) must generate as the narrative winds on.
There's a mention of big birds. Well, big birds just aren't all that
scary. The episode with the "bird-man in the night" is good but never
delivered on. The bird-things never return to the story, so...
The first section is the best -- an excellent opening. It provides us
with lots of promises: an explanation for Charles' state, the fate of
the expeditionary party, the identity of the disembodied face, and of
course the reason for our narrator to have received any disembodied
face at all.
But much gets lost in subsequent sections. You need to build up your
tension more steadily, with constant references to upcoming events and
horrors. HPL is a tough model to follow because what he did was so
terribly difficult -- he was able to walk the line between suggesting
and showing, leaving as much to your imagination as possible but still
giving enough details to keep you gripped. And even he failed at that
more often than he succeeded.
It may be that the form is just too short to do what you want to do.
That the tension requires the sort of space that a story like "The Rats
In The Walls" or "The Lurker At The Threshold" can give. But even so, I
think you needed to provide a few more choice details in the second
part of the story to keep the reader going. Statements like: "a
sentiment I'm sure Pickman would share, would he still alive," aren't
good enough. Give me a clearer detail (not a complete picture of
course, but a detail) of Pickman's fate -- I don't know from what you
wrote if he died of old age or what.
Using "cursory" twice in the same paragraph is perhaps overkill.
Then we come to big final action sequence of the story -- the discovery
of the city, the entrance to the "storeroom", the escape and the final
confrontation at sea. A couple of notes: Martin Whateley's death has no
impact emotionally because it has no impact NARRATIVELY. It makes no
difference, it reveals nothing and it is only really there because the
picture needs to be addressed.
You're juggling too many elements: bird people, pod people, weather
control and finally, skeletal beings at sea. None of which really seem
to fit together.
And the final revelation, though enjoyably pulpy, leaves us with more
questions still, and no sense of resolution -- the story does not
deliver on the primary question it promises to answer: Why was the face
mailed to Arthur?
Still, a very readable story and commendable picture use. Thanks.
BardStephenFox "Quest for Mimir"
Good old Godan.
There's a nearly-fatal drive towards too much explanation in this
story. Relax! Your readers are smart people, they'll figure it out.
They're patient, they'll keep reading even if you don't explain
everything.
For example, the very first line of dialogue sounds so polished and
complete that it deflates the urgency you're trying to start with. If
Jack's got time and energy to put together long and complicated
sentences like this one, I guess he's not quite as tired as he claims.
We don't need to know anything about a phylactery at this point. Just
the weird image of guys carrying a flaming litter is good enough for
your opening.
Improve your punctuation use. Read "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" and pay
special attention to the chapter on the comma. Especially the comments
on "yob's commas" which your story is unfortunately blighted with in
abundance. Your writing would appear significantly more professional
and competent if your usage and style were better.
The "three reasons" scene is good, but too long. Again, you're pouring
too much into my cup. Stop! Give me a chance to sip and savour. Have
faith in your material. Have faith in your reader.
The sequence in Hel's apartment works well and the face is nicely
integrated. I'd like a clearer picture of the place, though. I get a
list of furniture, a description of colour and a statement that there
was no artwork. Try to integrate your descriptions into your actions,
and you can give better images. What furniture does Jack slink around?
How does the colour scheme affect his searching? Good description
involves action and depends on strong verbs.
Don't put commas after "But". Please. Stop.
The sequence with the "kite shadow" doesn't fit with the flow of the
story and has no impact on the narrative. The situation at the end of
the scene is exactly the same as it was at the beginning of the scene.
Better would have been to have Jack take control of the shadow and
maybe use it against the dragon at the end of the story -- then at
least I feel like there was a reason for me reading that scene. As it
stands now, you could cut the scene and there would be no impact on the
story.
Stop using exclamation points. If it's not exciting to begin with, you
putting up "This is exciting" signs isn't going to help.
WAY too much explanation during the "kite shadow" scene. Guy controls
the shadows, drops a rock, Jack gets the rock, controls the shadow. We
can figure it out for ourselves. Stop explaining everything. I feel
like you think I can't figure it out and that makes me cranky. Don't
make your readers cranky.
Don't use the word "dracolich". It's jargon and has no meaning outside
of d20 rules. Use some other word or description.
Why's there a litter in the captain's cabin? Never mind. It's okay.
That one I'll give you.
But how is it that their ship is sinking and yet they can jump
overboard and WALK to the shore? I mean... It doesn't make huge amounts
of sense.
You've got good narrative sense and sharp descriptions. Your story
moves along well and the picture use is quite spectacular. This is a
very solid Ceramic DM entry. But you really, really, really need to
start cutting yourself more thoroughly.
Jusdgement: BardStephenFox
Alsih2o-
BSF- I like starting with the action and working back, personal preference, but still a preference. J And the payment, covering a skin, nice touch, very real feeling.
But this doesn’t have the pace and wording of a 6000 word story, I frequently get the feeling that you are trying to put 18,000 words in a 6000 word box. In the moments like the one where Jack is starting a fire on a sinking ship your real talent for a scene comes out. But it is sometimes cancelled by your hurry to describe a dracolich attack, or the briefness of the shadow attack. All good scenes, but they feel a bit cramped. Part of this is the conditions of the competition, but I feel that another part of it is you tring to do too much.
I like the modern mythology angle, but wish you would have dragged in the play of all the interesting rewqrds at the end when the 9th rune was seen, the were all developed enough that I want to see them come to fruition.
You are a really good writer BSF. You make me wanna host a 9 month 300,000 word competition- you and siala maybe. J
Carpe David- How does one get new people interested in Ceramic DM? Certainly we can take someone new and then turn them against Piratecat and the BSF, what a friendly entry!
I wish I was good enough at this part to really pin down why the first 3 paragraphs here rock so hard, I almost immediately get a fel for “where” the characters are, but it is done in such a way that I want to say where I am. J
Great use of “top of the morning”!!!
Great use of “need a light?”!!!
Great story. Solid as a piece of stone, continuous in approach and smooth in pacing..even when it gets hectic.
How do oyu get new people interested? Stick ‘em with a hard draw and watch them kick butt!
Judgement: Carpe David, BSF was solid, but CD is kicking butt and taking names.
Mythago-
THE STRANGE TALE OF ARTHUR PEDDINGTON (Carpedavid)
Very nice use of the style of the genre, which wobbles only a little
towards the middle of the piece. EXCELLENT integration of the pictures
into the story; nothing is a throwaway. I would have liked a little more
detail on the skeletal beast, to understand what relationship it had to
the bird-men (was it a skeletal bird of some sort?). It's tough to do this
kind of pastiche without just going through the motions.
I would also have liked a little more on the strange tubes. We don't get
much of a sense that they're Evil Science. I thought they were statutes at
first. There's no sense of the horror and unnaturalness. They're
mentioned, and then our heroes are smashing them.
Where the story really hurts is when you get cute. The device of warding
off incredulity by mentioning that it SOUNDS like bad fiction is, well,
overly cute. And it reminds the reader that this is a piece of fiction.
The re-use of specific Lovecraftian names, I didn't like much either. I
understand making the expedition out of Arkham, but referring to specific
characters (or notorious families) straight out of known fiction again
breaks the fourth wall. It's like the League of Insanely Gibbering
Gentlemen.
QUEST FOR MIMIR (Bardstephenfox)
The chronology on this seriously weakens the story. There are times when
it's good to break up linear flow, or where it makes sense to shift around
in time, but this isn't one of them; we start out in the middle and then
segue to a lengthy, detailed flashback. It doesn't seem likely that Jack
would reflect on the details and dialogue of his commission while he's
fighting the ocean. I also wondered why he was tempted by the gold--he's a
god too, right? And even though he's greedy, if he's that good a thief
he's got money enough. It would have made more sense for Jack to be
disinterested until the real prize, the ninth secret, was dangled.
The prose also repeats itself: He had until April 30 to complete the
job, which gave him nine days. Nine Days, only nine days! "Mr. Godan,
April 30 is only nine days away." Okay, we get the idea. There are a
lot of instances like this, where the editing could have been much better.
The picture use was adequate. I was bothered by some of the plot holes. If
Hel's so bad-ass, she probably has good security to back up her
reputation, and she wouldn't breeze by Jack only to go after him later.
Judgment this round for CARPEDAVID
Decision- Carpe David eeks it out 2-1
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