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Piratecat's - The Arranger
OK, I have re-read the story. I still liked it the second time.
Still, there are some things worth commenting on in the story. As has been previously mentioned, I would have liked to have been shown the message from Snulap when he wants to "renegotiate". A letter, a voicemail, an email, something. Nick shakes his head while being bolted to the table and that makes me pause and wonder how tight the mask is when Snulap has already said Nick won't be able to move. Leaving the meatsuit behind made me laugh, but it did break the stride of the story for me. How did Nick sit up out of the meatsuit? Was he just reforming? Did he come out of the chest? How did that work? A niggling detail, but when the competition is tight, those details add up. I would have liked to hear a bit about the chase. Nick chases Snulap until just after dawn. What kind of area of town was Snulap running through that nobody noticed the chase? Or, was nobody else able to see Nick? The drama of catching Snulap was over just a little too quickly for my tastes. No gloating from Nick? No more salt to rub into the wounds? I wanted Snulap's fear to be tangible. I wanted to taste it. It was close, but I wasn't quite able to wrap myself up in it and relish the horror that Snulap should have felt.
I liked the pics of the cheerleaders. Very cleverly used! The rest of the pics were nicely integrated. The kids made a nice character statement. The entrails on the beach were a decent integration, but I go back and forth on the mask. You made the mask a good focal point, but I wouldn't say it was something vitally important to the story. I think it needed to be more important to Snulap. His hook for getting at people. Perhaps it would have been interesting for him to gloat over how many people he has tortured with it as he tries to scare Nick? That might have brought it home better. It would have also been fun if Nick had decided to bring it along and taunt Snulap with it. Probably not enough to leave any marks on Snulap's face, after all, Nick needed the meatsuit for his next appointment. But, Snulap hardly knew that and it might have helped bring in that horror of realizing you sold your soul that Snulap surely felt.
Please, don't get me wrong, it was a fun story. But, I have received very useful feedback from Piratecat in the past and I am trying to toss out ideas on how The Arranger might be tightened up a bit.
OK, I have re-read the story. I still liked it the second time.
Still, there are some things worth commenting on in the story. As has been previously mentioned, I would have liked to have been shown the message from Snulap when he wants to "renegotiate". A letter, a voicemail, an email, something. Nick shakes his head while being bolted to the table and that makes me pause and wonder how tight the mask is when Snulap has already said Nick won't be able to move. Leaving the meatsuit behind made me laugh, but it did break the stride of the story for me. How did Nick sit up out of the meatsuit? Was he just reforming? Did he come out of the chest? How did that work? A niggling detail, but when the competition is tight, those details add up. I would have liked to hear a bit about the chase. Nick chases Snulap until just after dawn. What kind of area of town was Snulap running through that nobody noticed the chase? Or, was nobody else able to see Nick? The drama of catching Snulap was over just a little too quickly for my tastes. No gloating from Nick? No more salt to rub into the wounds? I wanted Snulap's fear to be tangible. I wanted to taste it. It was close, but I wasn't quite able to wrap myself up in it and relish the horror that Snulap should have felt.
I liked the pics of the cheerleaders. Very cleverly used! The rest of the pics were nicely integrated. The kids made a nice character statement. The entrails on the beach were a decent integration, but I go back and forth on the mask. You made the mask a good focal point, but I wouldn't say it was something vitally important to the story. I think it needed to be more important to Snulap. His hook for getting at people. Perhaps it would have been interesting for him to gloat over how many people he has tortured with it as he tries to scare Nick? That might have brought it home better. It would have also been fun if Nick had decided to bring it along and taunt Snulap with it. Probably not enough to leave any marks on Snulap's face, after all, Nick needed the meatsuit for his next appointment. But, Snulap hardly knew that and it might have helped bring in that horror of realizing you sold your soul that Snulap surely felt.
Please, don't get me wrong, it was a fun story. But, I have received very useful feedback from Piratecat in the past and I am trying to toss out ideas on how The Arranger might be tightened up a bit.