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[CoC][Humor] If anyone wants to have a good Mythos laugh :p
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<blockquote data-quote="The Forsaken One" data-source="post: 791837" data-attributes="member: 799"><p>>Undead Technical Support </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support. </p><p>>May I please have </p><p>>your name and the date of your death? </p><p>>- Customer: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am </p><p>>a GREAT AND MIGHTY </p><p>>VAMPIRE!!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Can I please have your date of </p><p>>death, sir? We have </p><p>>currently around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a </p><p>>fairly common name </p><p>>among the undead. </p><p>>- Customer: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I </p><p>>haven't actually died yet. </p><p>>I was just sort of, you know, looking to see if </p><p>>someone would, you know, </p><p>>bite me, or if there is some sort of trial...? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can </p><p>>not provide that </p><p>>service. I would however point you towards your </p><p>>nearest foreboding castle </p><p>>or dark alley to find a blood sucking fiend of your </p><p>>choice. </p><p>>- Customer: Oh, why thank you! (Click) </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support. </p><p>>May I please have </p><p>>your name and the date of your death? </p><p>>- Customer: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12, 1876. </p><p>>- Technical Support: So what can I help you with? </p><p>>- Customer: I need to know how I deal with this whole </p><p>>rotting problem. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Rotting? </p><p>>- Customer: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off, </p><p>>and there's this </p><p>>horrible smell. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Oh. Sir, were you killed by </p><p>>having an undead bite your </p><p>>neck and suck your blood? </p><p>>- Customer: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot </p><p>>and then blew dust </p><p>>into my face. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a </p><p>>vampire as it were. You </p><p>>are what is known as a zombie, and while I can't </p><p>>really support that, I can </p><p>>tell you that the rotting smell is fairly normal. </p><p>>Please hold and I'll </p><p>>give you the zombie support line. </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support. </p><p>>May I please have </p><p>>your name and the date of your death? </p><p>>- Customer: I AM VERY UPSET!!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: I understand, sir, becoming one </p><p>>of the walking undead </p><p>>blood-sucking fiends is a big step-- </p><p>>- Customer: NO that is not what I am talking about you </p><p>>(bleepity bleep bleep)! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, if you will please calm </p><p>>down, perhaps I can help </p><p>>you? </p><p>>- Customer: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!! </p><p>> </p><p>>- Technical Support: I can alert a manager, sir, but </p><p>>they will have to call </p><p>>you back in a few hours. Are you sure there is nothing </p><p>>I can help you with? </p><p>>- Customer: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN </p><p>>THING?? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to </p><p>>the sun is fairly </p><p>>standard to all vampire types, so that behavior is by </p><p>>design. </p><p>>- Customer: It is not! It says right here in this </p><p>>pamphlet I downloaded </p><p>>from the Internet that if I ingest the blood of 12 </p><p>>virgins on 12 </p><p>>consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll </p><p>>be immune. Which I </p><p>>have done mind you and I am still vulnerable to the </p><p>>sun, so what gives? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Well, sir, that is a </p><p>>different...ah... application of </p><p>>your powers. You probably want to talk to the people </p><p>>who wrote it, or if it </p><p>>is something specific to your particular type of </p><p>>vampire, you may wish to </p><p>>speak to the person who brought you across. </p><p>>- Customer: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND </p><p>>NOT IN A GOOD WAY! </p><p>>(CLICK) </p><p>> </p><p>>Technical Support: You know I honestly hate calls like </p><p>>that. I mean what is </p><p>>with these people? Is it my fault they don't read the </p><p>>fine print? I mean, </p><p>>OK immortality is cool and the nifty vampire powers </p><p>>are great, but they all </p><p>>call me when they can't handle it and expect me to </p><p>>deal with this crap, I </p><p>>mean...one sec got a call. </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Undead Techni- </p><p>>- Customer: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH </p><p>>A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE, </p><p>>AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE FOUL FIEND!!!" </p><p>>- Technical Support: Okay sir, please calm down. </p><p>>- Customer: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE </p><p>>IS BATTERING DOWN </p><p>>THE DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to </p><p>>holy symbols? </p><p>>- Customer: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath </p><p>>vampire, we don't do the </p><p>>holy symbols thing. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Ah, good! I also see your kind of </p><p>>vampire has </p><p>>increased strength and speed and can take a lot of </p><p>>punishment. Okay, is he </p><p>>through the door yet? Are there more than one of them? </p><p>> </p><p>>- Customer: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses </p><p>>and one of them has a </p><p>>crossbow. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Well, okay. Do you have a phone </p><p>>book? </p><p>>- Customer: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK </p><p>>GOING TO DO ME?!?! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, I need you to remain calm if </p><p>>you want me to help </p><p>>you, okay? </p><p>>- Customer: All right, now what? They're almost </p><p>>through the door! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Tuck the phone book inside your </p><p>>jacket over your </p><p>>heart. When they come through the door, let them shoot </p><p>>you with the cross </p><p>>bow, and then hit the one in front as hard as you can. </p><p>> </p><p>>- Customer: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence </p><p>>literate though. </p><p>>- Technical Support: That's okay, just follow my </p><p>>instructions and I'll talk </p><p>>you through it. </p><p>>- Customer: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a </p><p>>loud scream) Okay, there </p><p>>are two left, now what? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Okay, throw the one you hit at </p><p>>the second one as hard </p><p>>as you can, and then grab the third by the throat and </p><p>>lift him off the ground. </p><p>>- Customer: (loud crashing and some moaning followed </p><p>>by some choking gurgling </p><p>>noises.) Okay, I have the head guy dangling - now </p><p>>what? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Okay, now look into his eyes and </p><p>>laugh maniacally. </p><p>>- Customer: Heh heh heh. </p><p>>- Technical Support: You might want to try a more </p><p>>maniacal laugh. Kind of </p><p>>like this - MUHAHAHAHAHA!! </p><p>>- Customer: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try. </p><p>>Muhahahaha. How was that? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Close enough. Now repeat after </p><p>>me, "YOU PITIFUL HUMAN </p><p>>INSECT, DIE LIKE THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then </p><p>>please squeeze as hard as </p><p>>you can. </p><p>>- Customer: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard </p><p>>from the phone) </p><p>>Nothing is happening. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand </p><p>>you are holding him </p><p>>with. </p><p>>- Customer: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard) </p><p>>Wow, this isn't so </p><p>>hard. Maybe I will get the hang of this whole violence </p><p>>thing! Thanks so </p><p>>much for your help!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: That's quite all right, you have </p><p>>a good night now, and </p><p>>thank you for choosing undead technical support. </p><p>>(click) </p><p>> </p><p>>Technical Support: See now, I kind of like those </p><p>>calls. I got to help </p><p>>someone, and you know that's what this job is all </p><p>>about. Am I one of the </p><p>>undead? Heck no. I don't care much for the hours </p><p>>really, I am just doing </p><p>>this for money while I study for my Occult Sciences </p><p>>degree. Then I can go </p><p>>out and make some real money as either an undead </p><p>>admin, or maybe a </p><p>>troubleshooter type. Support is great experience for </p><p>>that sort of thing </p><p>>because it gets you learning, and working with people. </p><p>>I know tons about </p><p>>the undead vampire types, and I heard we are going to </p><p>>start supporting </p><p>>werewolves and magic users next. Hey, if they want to </p><p>>train me, I'm not </p><p>>going to complain. I mean, after all-- </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Undead Technical Support. Can I </p><p>>have your name and the </p><p>>time of your death? </p><p>>- Customer: Hey, is this where I call about problems </p><p>>with being a vampire? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Yes, it is. </p><p>>- Customer: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's </p><p>>kind of gross - can't it </p><p>>just be Kool Aid or something? </p><p>>- Technical Support: No, I'm sorry, but blood is </p><p>>definitely a requirement. </p><p>>- Customer: Oh, well, OK. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Anything else I can help you </p><p>>with? </p><p>>- Customer: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things </p><p>>from bad blood? </p><p>>- Technical Support: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets </p><p>>go of mute button) </p><p>>Sir, you're dead, okay? You really don't have to worry </p><p>>about that at this </p><p>>point. </p><p>>- Customer: Oh. How do I get the blood? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Generally you bite people. </p><p>>- Customer: Oh, OK. Well, bye. </p><p>>(click) </p><p>> </p><p>>Technical Support: (sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. </p><p>>There are times when </p><p>>this job gets on my nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh </p><p>>yeah. I get to start </p><p>>training today for supporting werewolves and magic </p><p>>users. And vampire </p><p>>hunters. You'd think that would be a conflict of </p><p>>interest... oh well. </p><p>> </p><p>>(2 weeks of training later) </p><p>>- Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things </p><p>>- we do not support </p><p>>major summoning or world destroying rituals. And if </p><p>>the customer is a </p><p>>werewolf and has just shifted and can no longer </p><p>>communicate you will need </p><p>>to direct them to the growling and grunting </p><p>>specialist. Any questions? </p><p>>- Technical Support: What exactly constitutes a major </p><p>>summoning? I mean </p><p>>what is our policy if they attempted a summoning and </p><p>>mispronounced the name </p><p>>and got a major demon lord instead of the minor imp </p><p>>they were trying for? </p><p>>- Instructor: Well, assuming they are still alive, you </p><p>>would probably want </p><p>>to send it to Escalation. Any other questions? </p><p>> </p><p>>(Later that month) </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Shape Shifter Technical Support. </p><p>>May I please have </p><p>>your name and the type of shifter you are? </p><p>>- Customer: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this </p><p>>problem... </p><p>>(scratching noises) I can't get this damn hair to go </p><p>>away after I shift. </p><p>>There's this one patch that just won't not go away. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Well, sir, is it a rectangular </p><p>>patch on your chest and </p><p>>abdominal area? </p><p>>- Customer: Yes, actually it is. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Well, sir, that will not go away. </p><p>>That patch of hair </p><p>>is the mark of the animal demon that currently </p><p>>possesses you. If you were a </p><p>>shifter by birth rather than by position, it wouldn't </p><p>>be there. </p><p>>- Customer: So when will there be a solution to this </p><p>>problem? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, that particular behavior, as </p><p>>I have said, is a </p><p>>side effect of being a shifter by position. </p><p>>- Customer: Whatever, when are you going to fix it? </p><p>>Cause I don't like this </p><p>>hair, it itches. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, as I said this is something </p><p>>that cannot be fixed, </p><p>>unless you want to go through a cleansing ritual and </p><p>>give up being a shape </p><p>>shifter. </p><p>>- Customer: No, you don't understand! I want this hair </p><p>>gone and you need to </p><p>>tell me how to get rid of it! Have you got that, </p><p>>fella? Cause if not, I'll </p><p>>have to come down there and rend you limb from limb. I </p><p>>am a werewolf, got </p><p>>that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that secret </p><p>>way you have of </p><p>>getting rid of this here hair. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, I must tell you that if you </p><p>>continue to be </p><p>>threatening, I will have to terminate this call and </p><p>>refer your case to our </p><p>>security department. That being said, we do not have a </p><p>>secret way to remove </p><p>>your hair. </p><p>>- Customer: All right, that's it! You're lying to me! </p><p>>Either tell me or I </p><p>>come down there and REND ALL YOU blankety blanks INTO </p><p>>SMALL QUIVERING </p><p>>CHUNKS OF FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU </p><p>>SAY TO THAT, HUH?? </p><p>>WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH?? </p><p>>- Technical Support: I am sorry sir, you've forced me </p><p>>to terminate this </p><p>>call. (click) </p><p>> </p><p>>(A few days later) </p><p>>(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by </p><p>>distraught howling) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have </p><p>>told him about the </p><p>>silver trap we have for werewolves... oh well, back to </p><p>>work. </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Mystical Technical Support. May I </p><p>>please have your </p><p>>name and the name of your group, or your contract </p><p>>number if you are an </p><p>>independent. </p><p>>Customer: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member </p><p>>of the Most </p><p>>Glorious-Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Okay, sir, what can I help you </p><p>>with? </p><p>>- Customer: Well it's a small thing really, I was just </p><p>>wondering what would </p><p>>happen if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th level </p><p>>elemental spirit I had </p><p>>gotten two of the glyphs wrong? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head </p><p>>pounding on table is </p><p>>heard) </p><p>>- Customer: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9 </p><p>>into a 90 and the </p><p>>elemental to demonic. </p><p>>- Technical Support: I see. Sir, can you hang on a </p><p>>second? </p><p>>- Customer: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the </p><p>>glowing purple thing </p><p>>is getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding. </p><p>> </p><p>>- Technical Support: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold </p><p>>music) AHHHH why do </p><p>>I get these calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you to </p><p>>listen to me </p><p>>carefully. Once I'm done talking, I want you to follow </p><p>>these steps. First </p><p>>open the door to the room you are in, step through it, </p><p>>and run as fast as </p><p>>you can. Then call 555-DUMB. This is the number for a </p><p>>service that takes </p><p>>care of these kinds of situations. </p><p>>- Customer: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet </p><p>>crunching sound, a </p><p>>scream, and then silence) </p><p>>- Technical Support: (sigh) I lose more idiots that </p><p>>way. Oh well, at least </p><p>>I got promoted to major conjurations, summoning and </p><p>>escalation support last </p><p>>week. It means more money, although now I end up with </p><p>>even bigger problems </p><p>>to deal with. But they're giving me more training I </p><p>>guess. </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Escalations, go for it </p><p>>- Other Technician: Okay, I've got this guy on the </p><p>>line who says that he is </p><p>>trying a major summoning, and he has a wizard class </p><p>>account, so he is </p><p>>covered. But I have no clue what's going wrong. He has </p><p>>the sacrifice he </p><p>>needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has </p><p>>the blue pillar of </p><p>>fire going for him! Could you take it, please, because </p><p>>frankly, I am stumped. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. </p><p>>(pause) Hi there, I </p><p>>hear you are having some problems. </p><p>>- Customer: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the </p><p>>materials and </p><p>>everything appears to be fine. I have the gateway open </p><p>>but I am getting no </p><p>>response to the truename. </p><p>>- Technical Support: A sacrifice was mentioned - could </p><p>>you tell me what kind? </p><p>>- Customer: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was </p><p>>needed, and she is </p><p>>waiting right here all bound and prepared for the </p><p>>demon to come through and </p><p>>rip her to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper </p><p>>amount of screaming. </p><p>>- Technical Support: (knowing chuckle) Did you say </p><p>>virgin sacrifice? And </p><p>>how old is she? </p><p>>- Customer: She is 17. I had her checked out </p><p>>beforehand and she is a </p><p>>certified virgin. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Of course. By any chance do you </p><p>>have a young male </p><p>>assistant? A teenager, perhaps? </p><p>>- Customer: Well, yes I. . . DAMMIT ALL TO HELL, </p><p>>Jedrick, come over here! </p><p>>I'm gonna peel the skin off your back and feed you to </p><p>>--truename of major </p><p>>demon omitted-- </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, you may not realize this, </p><p>>but saying names like </p><p>>that in front of open gateways can be a bad idea. </p><p>>- Customer: What, you mean --truename of major demon </p><p>>omitted--? Why would </p><p>>that be bad? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Sir, I would once again advise </p><p>>you against saying that </p><p>>name in front of a gateway. </p><p>>- Customer: Oh, come on, no one actually expects </p><p>>--truename of major demon </p><p>>omitted-- to answer, I mean he (sound of a thunder </p><p>>clap) </p><p>>- Technical Support: (sigh) If this keeps happening I </p><p>>might get written up. </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead. </p><p>>- Other Technician: Ummmm, I have a demon on the </p><p>>phone. </p><p>>- Technical Support: You mean someone summoned a demon </p><p>>and he needs help </p><p>>with it? </p><p>>- Other Technician: N-n-no, the demon killed him while </p><p>>he was on the phone </p><p>>and, ummm, it somehow got my name and now it says it </p><p>>owns my soul as well, </p><p>>and I am kinda in over my head, HELP please. </p><p>>- Technical Support: Okay, go ahead and conference it. </p><p>> </p><p>>- Other Technician: Okay, here goes. </p><p>>- Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: With whom am I speaking, sir? </p><p>>- Demon: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are </p><p>>mine by the contract </p><p>>of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Well, all right, sir. But I need </p><p>>to tell you one thing </p><p>>first. </p><p>>- Demon: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR </p><p>>UNNAMING, DEMON </p><p>>BEGONE!!!! </p><p>>- Demon: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo </p><p>>(fades into nothing) </p><p>>- Technical Support: See, it's no problem, you just </p><p>>can't let those demons </p><p>>push you round! </p><p>>- Other Technician: Cool -- thanks dude! </p><p>> </p><p>>(ring ring) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead. </p><p>>- Other Technician: I've got an irate, would you </p><p>>please take her? </p><p>>- Technical Support: (sigh) Go for it. </p><p>>- Customer: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER </p><p>>CONJURER, AND I KNOW IT IS </p><p>>NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY </p><p>>MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG </p><p>>PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL </p><p>>TURNED INTO TOADS!!! </p><p>>- Technical Support: Ma'am, if you will please calm </p><p>>down and read me your </p><p>>conjuring formula, maybe I can help you. </p><p>>- Customer: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible </p><p>>formula follows) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Ma'am, I think I've found your </p><p>>problem -- it is on the </p><p>>3rd, 8th, and 21st lines. </p><p>>- Customer: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR. SMARTY </p><p>>PANTS?? </p><p>>- Technical Support: Ma'am, 2 + 2 is equal to 4, not </p><p>>8. </p><p>>- Customer: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a </p><p>>minute...(click) </p><p>>- Technical Support: Thank you for calling magic </p><p>>support, and have a nice day. </p><p>></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="The Forsaken One, post: 791837, member: 799"] >Undead Technical Support > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support. >May I please have >your name and the date of your death? >- Customer: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am >a GREAT AND MIGHTY >VAMPIRE!!! >- Technical Support: Can I please have your date of >death, sir? We have >currently around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a >fairly common name >among the undead. >- Customer: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I >haven't actually died yet. >I was just sort of, you know, looking to see if >someone would, you know, >bite me, or if there is some sort of trial...? >- Technical Support: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can >not provide that >service. I would however point you towards your >nearest foreboding castle >or dark alley to find a blood sucking fiend of your >choice. >- Customer: Oh, why thank you! (Click) > >(ring) >- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support. >May I please have >your name and the date of your death? >- Customer: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12, 1876. >- Technical Support: So what can I help you with? >- Customer: I need to know how I deal with this whole >rotting problem. >- Technical Support: Rotting? >- Customer: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off, >and there's this >horrible smell. >- Technical Support: Oh. Sir, were you killed by >having an undead bite your >neck and suck your blood? >- Customer: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot >and then blew dust >into my face. >- Technical Support: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a >vampire as it were. You >are what is known as a zombie, and while I can't >really support that, I can >tell you that the rotting smell is fairly normal. >Please hold and I'll >give you the zombie support line. > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support. >May I please have >your name and the date of your death? >- Customer: I AM VERY UPSET!!! >- Technical Support: I understand, sir, becoming one >of the walking undead >blood-sucking fiends is a big step-- >- Customer: NO that is not what I am talking about you >(bleepity bleep bleep)! >- Technical Support: Sir, if you will please calm >down, perhaps I can help >you? >- Customer: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!! > >- Technical Support: I can alert a manager, sir, but >they will have to call >you back in a few hours. Are you sure there is nothing >I can help you with? >- Customer: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN >THING?? >- Technical Support: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to >the sun is fairly >standard to all vampire types, so that behavior is by >design. >- Customer: It is not! It says right here in this >pamphlet I downloaded >from the Internet that if I ingest the blood of 12 >virgins on 12 >consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll >be immune. Which I >have done mind you and I am still vulnerable to the >sun, so what gives? >- Technical Support: Well, sir, that is a >different...ah... application of >your powers. You probably want to talk to the people >who wrote it, or if it >is something specific to your particular type of >vampire, you may wish to >speak to the person who brought you across. >- Customer: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND >NOT IN A GOOD WAY! >(CLICK) > >Technical Support: You know I honestly hate calls like >that. I mean what is >with these people? Is it my fault they don't read the >fine print? I mean, >OK immortality is cool and the nifty vampire powers >are great, but they all >call me when they can't handle it and expect me to >deal with this crap, I >mean...one sec got a call. > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Undead Techni- >- Customer: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH >A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE, >AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE FOUL FIEND!!!" >- Technical Support: Okay sir, please calm down. >- Customer: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE >IS BATTERING DOWN >THE DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!! >- Technical Support: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to >holy symbols? >- Customer: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath >vampire, we don't do the >holy symbols thing. >- Technical Support: Ah, good! I also see your kind of >vampire has >increased strength and speed and can take a lot of >punishment. Okay, is he >through the door yet? Are there more than one of them? > >- Customer: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses >and one of them has a >crossbow. >- Technical Support: Well, okay. Do you have a phone >book? >- Customer: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK >GOING TO DO ME?!?! >- Technical Support: Sir, I need you to remain calm if >you want me to help >you, okay? >- Customer: All right, now what? They're almost >through the door! >- Technical Support: Tuck the phone book inside your >jacket over your >heart. When they come through the door, let them shoot >you with the cross >bow, and then hit the one in front as hard as you can. > >- Customer: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence >literate though. >- Technical Support: That's okay, just follow my >instructions and I'll talk >you through it. >- Customer: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a >loud scream) Okay, there >are two left, now what? >- Technical Support: Okay, throw the one you hit at >the second one as hard >as you can, and then grab the third by the throat and >lift him off the ground. >- Customer: (loud crashing and some moaning followed >by some choking gurgling >noises.) Okay, I have the head guy dangling - now >what? >- Technical Support: Okay, now look into his eyes and >laugh maniacally. >- Customer: Heh heh heh. >- Technical Support: You might want to try a more >maniacal laugh. Kind of >like this - MUHAHAHAHAHA!! >- Customer: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try. >Muhahahaha. How was that? >- Technical Support: Close enough. Now repeat after >me, "YOU PITIFUL HUMAN >INSECT, DIE LIKE THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then >please squeeze as hard as >you can. >- Customer: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard >from the phone) >Nothing is happening. >- Technical Support: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand >you are holding him >with. >- Customer: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard) >Wow, this isn't so >hard. Maybe I will get the hang of this whole violence >thing! Thanks so >much for your help!! >- Technical Support: That's quite all right, you have >a good night now, and >thank you for choosing undead technical support. >(click) > >Technical Support: See now, I kind of like those >calls. I got to help >someone, and you know that's what this job is all >about. Am I one of the >undead? Heck no. I don't care much for the hours >really, I am just doing >this for money while I study for my Occult Sciences >degree. Then I can go >out and make some real money as either an undead >admin, or maybe a >troubleshooter type. Support is great experience for >that sort of thing >because it gets you learning, and working with people. >I know tons about >the undead vampire types, and I heard we are going to >start supporting >werewolves and magic users next. Hey, if they want to >train me, I'm not >going to complain. I mean, after all-- > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Undead Technical Support. Can I >have your name and the >time of your death? >- Customer: Hey, is this where I call about problems >with being a vampire? >- Technical Support: Yes, it is. >- Customer: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's >kind of gross - can't it >just be Kool Aid or something? >- Technical Support: No, I'm sorry, but blood is >definitely a requirement. >- Customer: Oh, well, OK. >- Technical Support: Anything else I can help you >with? >- Customer: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things >from bad blood? >- Technical Support: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets >go of mute button) >Sir, you're dead, okay? You really don't have to worry >about that at this >point. >- Customer: Oh. How do I get the blood? >- Technical Support: Generally you bite people. >- Customer: Oh, OK. Well, bye. >(click) > >Technical Support: (sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. >There are times when >this job gets on my nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh >yeah. I get to start >training today for supporting werewolves and magic >users. And vampire >hunters. You'd think that would be a conflict of >interest... oh well. > >(2 weeks of training later) >- Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things >- we do not support >major summoning or world destroying rituals. And if >the customer is a >werewolf and has just shifted and can no longer >communicate you will need >to direct them to the growling and grunting >specialist. Any questions? >- Technical Support: What exactly constitutes a major >summoning? I mean >what is our policy if they attempted a summoning and >mispronounced the name >and got a major demon lord instead of the minor imp >they were trying for? >- Instructor: Well, assuming they are still alive, you >would probably want >to send it to Escalation. Any other questions? > >(Later that month) >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Shape Shifter Technical Support. >May I please have >your name and the type of shifter you are? >- Customer: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this >problem... >(scratching noises) I can't get this damn hair to go >away after I shift. >There's this one patch that just won't not go away. >- Technical Support: Well, sir, is it a rectangular >patch on your chest and >abdominal area? >- Customer: Yes, actually it is. >- Technical Support: Well, sir, that will not go away. >That patch of hair >is the mark of the animal demon that currently >possesses you. If you were a >shifter by birth rather than by position, it wouldn't >be there. >- Customer: So when will there be a solution to this >problem? >- Technical Support: Sir, that particular behavior, as >I have said, is a >side effect of being a shifter by position. >- Customer: Whatever, when are you going to fix it? >Cause I don't like this >hair, it itches. >- Technical Support: Sir, as I said this is something >that cannot be fixed, >unless you want to go through a cleansing ritual and >give up being a shape >shifter. >- Customer: No, you don't understand! I want this hair >gone and you need to >tell me how to get rid of it! Have you got that, >fella? Cause if not, I'll >have to come down there and rend you limb from limb. I >am a werewolf, got >that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that secret >way you have of >getting rid of this here hair. >- Technical Support: Sir, I must tell you that if you >continue to be >threatening, I will have to terminate this call and >refer your case to our >security department. That being said, we do not have a >secret way to remove >your hair. >- Customer: All right, that's it! You're lying to me! >Either tell me or I >come down there and REND ALL YOU blankety blanks INTO >SMALL QUIVERING >CHUNKS OF FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU >SAY TO THAT, HUH?? >WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH?? >- Technical Support: I am sorry sir, you've forced me >to terminate this >call. (click) > >(A few days later) >(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by >distraught howling) >- Technical Support: Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have >told him about the >silver trap we have for werewolves... oh well, back to >work. > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Mystical Technical Support. May I >please have your >name and the name of your group, or your contract >number if you are an >independent. >Customer: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member >of the Most >Glorious-Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay. >- Technical Support: Okay, sir, what can I help you >with? >- Customer: Well it's a small thing really, I was just >wondering what would >happen if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th level >elemental spirit I had >gotten two of the glyphs wrong? >- Technical Support: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head >pounding on table is >heard) >- Customer: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9 >into a 90 and the >elemental to demonic. >- Technical Support: I see. Sir, can you hang on a >second? >- Customer: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the >glowing purple thing >is getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding. > >- Technical Support: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold >music) AHHHH why do >I get these calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you to >listen to me >carefully. Once I'm done talking, I want you to follow >these steps. First >open the door to the room you are in, step through it, >and run as fast as >you can. Then call 555-DUMB. This is the number for a >service that takes >care of these kinds of situations. >- Customer: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet >crunching sound, a >scream, and then silence) >- Technical Support: (sigh) I lose more idiots that >way. Oh well, at least >I got promoted to major conjurations, summoning and >escalation support last >week. It means more money, although now I end up with >even bigger problems >to deal with. But they're giving me more training I >guess. > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Escalations, go for it >- Other Technician: Okay, I've got this guy on the >line who says that he is >trying a major summoning, and he has a wizard class >account, so he is >covered. But I have no clue what's going wrong. He has >the sacrifice he >needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has >the blue pillar of >fire going for him! Could you take it, please, because >frankly, I am stumped. >- Technical Support: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. >(pause) Hi there, I >hear you are having some problems. >- Customer: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the >materials and >everything appears to be fine. I have the gateway open >but I am getting no >response to the truename. >- Technical Support: A sacrifice was mentioned - could >you tell me what kind? >- Customer: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was >needed, and she is >waiting right here all bound and prepared for the >demon to come through and >rip her to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper >amount of screaming. >- Technical Support: (knowing chuckle) Did you say >virgin sacrifice? And >how old is she? >- Customer: She is 17. I had her checked out >beforehand and she is a >certified virgin. >- Technical Support: Of course. By any chance do you >have a young male >assistant? A teenager, perhaps? >- Customer: Well, yes I. . . DAMMIT ALL TO HELL, >Jedrick, come over here! >I'm gonna peel the skin off your back and feed you to >--truename of major >demon omitted-- >- Technical Support: Sir, you may not realize this, >but saying names like >that in front of open gateways can be a bad idea. >- Customer: What, you mean --truename of major demon >omitted--? Why would >that be bad? >- Technical Support: Sir, I would once again advise >you against saying that >name in front of a gateway. >- Customer: Oh, come on, no one actually expects >--truename of major demon >omitted-- to answer, I mean he (sound of a thunder >clap) >- Technical Support: (sigh) If this keeps happening I >might get written up. > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead. >- Other Technician: Ummmm, I have a demon on the >phone. >- Technical Support: You mean someone summoned a demon >and he needs help >with it? >- Other Technician: N-n-no, the demon killed him while >he was on the phone >and, ummm, it somehow got my name and now it says it >owns my soul as well, >and I am kinda in over my head, HELP please. >- Technical Support: Okay, go ahead and conference it. > >- Other Technician: Okay, here goes. >- Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!! >- Technical Support: With whom am I speaking, sir? >- Demon: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are >mine by the contract >of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!! >- Technical Support: Well, all right, sir. But I need >to tell you one thing >first. >- Demon: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!! >- Technical Support: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR >UNNAMING, DEMON >BEGONE!!!! >- Demon: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo >(fades into nothing) >- Technical Support: See, it's no problem, you just >can't let those demons >push you round! >- Other Technician: Cool -- thanks dude! > >(ring ring) >- Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead. >- Other Technician: I've got an irate, would you >please take her? >- Technical Support: (sigh) Go for it. >- Customer: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER >CONJURER, AND I KNOW IT IS >NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY >MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG >PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL >TURNED INTO TOADS!!! >- Technical Support: Ma'am, if you will please calm >down and read me your >conjuring formula, maybe I can help you. >- Customer: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible >formula follows) >- Technical Support: Ma'am, I think I've found your >problem -- it is on the >3rd, 8th, and 21st lines. >- Customer: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR. SMARTY >PANTS?? >- Technical Support: Ma'am, 2 + 2 is equal to 4, not >8. >- Customer: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a >minute...(click) >- Technical Support: Thank you for calling magic >support, and have a nice day. > [/QUOTE]
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