• The VOIDRUNNER'S CODEX is LIVE! Explore new worlds, fight oppressive empires, fend off fearsome aliens, and wield deadly psionics with this comprehensive boxed set expansion for 5E and A5E!

[CoC][Humor] If anyone wants to have a good Mythos laugh :p

Here's some stuff :p

-----

Cultists Guide
A proud product of Occultech Publishing



Introduction
The world is a huge and wonderful place, filled with more mysteries than you can imagine. In fact, don't even try to imagine them. You can't and trying only makes you a candidate for a white jacket with long sleeves. Nevertheless, the exploration can be a safe1 and enjoyable2 experience, sharable with family and friends.

We here at Occultech are always happy to see new faces in the craft but would like to see the old ones a bit longer, so have composed this handy manual to help you from making many of the common mistakes that have claimed so many young and talented souls (or if they're fortunate, just their lives). By following the instructions outlined in this booklet, we hope to make your life a much happier, longer one.

1Compared to say, Olympic diving into an active volcano or playing Russian roulette with an armed and loaded fully automatic weapon. These activities are certain death, while summoning things best unsought by man is uncertain death, in that it's uncertain when and how one will die but it will probably be quite painful and messy.

2 Compared to, um... well it starts off enjoyable, but then you mispronounce a syllable and the walls disappear and your buddies start getting eaten and it goes downhill pretty fast from there... But it starts offenjoyable!

Getting Started
The first step that should be completed is to decide why you're delving into the darker side of the occult. If you're simply trying to make new friends or pick up girls then this really isn't the way for you to go unless you have really unusual tastes. Likewise, there are many other hobbies out there for those just looking to have fun, such as philately, train watching or seeing how many times you can insult that biker before he gets really angry.

If the life of a scholar, dabbler and worshiper of things best unknown really is the right thing for you then it's important to decide what it is you're looking for. If you're trying to learn the secrets of the universe while not getting your hands dirty then you might be more satisfied studying relativity, quantum mechanics and the other sciences of the day, inaccurate as they may be. On the other hand, those with linguistic talent could greatly assist others in the field by translating, completely and accurately, many of the tomes used today. Comprehensive pronunciation guides are a plus. If you decide that this is the path for you, you should read the sections on Tome Handling Procedures and Guarding Against Errant Mispronunciation, as well as setting aside a sum of money to pay for any trips to psychiatric hospitals that may be necessary. Unlike many others, you may have a chance to spend it.

It may be, however, that you're seeking out a power much greater than yourself, perhaps in hopes of obtaining powers beyond that of any other human, or perhaps just because elder beings are just so charismatic you can't but help falling to your knees and chanting their name. If this is you then it's critical that you read the sections on Choosing a Power, Preparing for the Ceremony, and Conducting the Ceremony.

Finally, you might fit between the two, prodding at the tattered fabric of the universe, trying to find out how it ticks and using any tool available to do so. If this describes you then you should read every single section in this booklet and put our phone number on speed dial.

Tome Handling Procedures
The best case scenario for reading a book that contains knowledge best unknown to man is if it's written in a language that you don't know. Since everything needs to be carefully translated before it can be comprehended, this reduces the risk of accidently glancing at a page and learning something you wish you didn't. Caution should still be exercised around illustrations and diagrams, as a picture is often worth a thousand shrieks of agony as your soul is ripped from your body.

If the tome is in a language that you already know, it may be worth the effort to find somebody who is illiterate in the given language to copy out carefully preselected passages for your perusal.

Before acting upon any knowledge that you acquired from the tome, it's a very good idea to read the passages both before and after to gain a sense of context. As an example, while it's extremely useful to know that Nyarlathotep fears Cthugha, it's also vital to know that due to Cthugha's form, it's a very good idea to be quite far away when he's called down from the heavens3.

Perhaps the most critical piece of advice for handling tomes of forbidden knowledge is NEVER READ OUT LOUD!

3This is actually quite good advice for dealing with any Mythos entity, but sometimes practicality prevents it from being followed.

Guarding Against Errant Mispronunciation
In many languages, especially those of the complexity used in many rituals, a small shift in pronunciation can spell a huge difference in meaning. If dying at an old age with your body intact is considered an admirable goal to you, it's crucial to learn how to pronounce properly.

In spite of the dangers inherent in learning a new language (see section on handling tomes), it may be worth it to learn the language you will be using in your ritual as well as any easily mispronounced words. Be particularly cautious with dead languages. In many cases, while the spelling and grammar of the language is still known, the original pronounciation is not. This warning is especially appropriate for those tongues which weren't designed by humans.

If you have time before a ritual (and if you don't then you've done something wrong), take time to double check what you're going to say. If you must read the incantations outloud as part of your practice, give long pauses between sentences, or even words, and try not to say the same thing more than twice in a row.

Pronouncing the name of the diety or other entity that you're invoking is a matter that's best approached with caution. If you mispronounce the name during during the ritual, it's likely to be annoyed. On the other hand, if you pronounce it correctly, you might draw its attention before you're ready. In this case I urge you to follow your own judgement based on your confidence with pronounciation and the entity's history. In any case, always be prepared to run.

Choosing a Power
A great influence on your cultist career will be what powers you invoke and why. Some people invoke whichever power suits their ends at the moment while others, perhaps because of haunting dreams or peer pressure, are monothiestic, perhaps striving to revive a fallen or dormant power.

While not available to everybody, if you have a choice it's quite important to study the options open to you. For example, some beings, such as Cthulhu, are unlikely to harm you directly. On the other hand, their followers are known to indulge in human sacrifice and blood rituals and so are worth avoiding.

Preparing for the Ceremony
Buy a good pair of running shoes. Practice running in any ceremonial garb that will be warn during the ritual. Modify it as much as permitted to make running even easier. Clear any obsticles between where you'll be performing the ritual and the closest exits. Post guards to keep an eye out for unwanted visitors. Getting shot is a real damper on one's evening and getting shot while in the middle of a binding ritual can make things unpleasant for everyone.

Conducting the Ceremony
Follow the instructions exactly. If you can't follow them exactly, you probably shouldn't be doing it. If things start going wrong, start running and don't look back. When running, the 'to' isn't quite as important as the 'from'.
In spite of the views expressed by an online list of advice for cultists, many creatures can tell the difference between human flesh and SPAM.
 

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>Undead Technical Support
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support.
>May I please have
>your name and the date of your death?
>- Customer: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am
>a GREAT AND MIGHTY
>VAMPIRE!!!
>- Technical Support: Can I please have your date of
>death, sir? We have
>currently around 120 Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a
>fairly common name
>among the undead.
>- Customer: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I
>haven't actually died yet.
>I was just sort of, you know, looking to see if
>someone would, you know,
>bite me, or if there is some sort of trial...?
>- Technical Support: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can
>not provide that
>service. I would however point you towards your
>nearest foreboding castle
>or dark alley to find a blood sucking fiend of your
>choice.
>- Customer: Oh, why thank you! (Click)
>
>(ring)
>- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support.
>May I please have
>your name and the date of your death?
>- Customer: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12, 1876.
>- Technical Support: So what can I help you with?
>- Customer: I need to know how I deal with this whole
>rotting problem.
>- Technical Support: Rotting?
>- Customer: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off,
>and there's this
>horrible smell.
>- Technical Support: Oh. Sir, were you killed by
>having an undead bite your
>neck and suck your blood?
>- Customer: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot
>and then blew dust
>into my face.
>- Technical Support: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a
>vampire as it were. You
>are what is known as a zombie, and while I can't
>really support that, I can
>tell you that the rotting smell is fairly normal.
>Please hold and I'll
>give you the zombie support line.
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support.
>May I please have
>your name and the date of your death?
>- Customer: I AM VERY UPSET!!!
>- Technical Support: I understand, sir, becoming one
>of the walking undead
>blood-sucking fiends is a big step--
>- Customer: NO that is not what I am talking about you
>(bleepity bleep bleep)!
>- Technical Support: Sir, if you will please calm
>down, perhaps I can help
>you?
>- Customer: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!
>
>- Technical Support: I can alert a manager, sir, but
>they will have to call
>you back in a few hours. Are you sure there is nothing
>I can help you with?
>- Customer: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN
>THING??
>- Technical Support: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to
>the sun is fairly
>standard to all vampire types, so that behavior is by
>design.
>- Customer: It is not! It says right here in this
>pamphlet I downloaded
>from the Internet that if I ingest the blood of 12
>virgins on 12
>consecutive nights and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll
>be immune. Which I
>have done mind you and I am still vulnerable to the
>sun, so what gives?
>- Technical Support: Well, sir, that is a
>different...ah... application of
>your powers. You probably want to talk to the people
>who wrote it, or if it
>is something specific to your particular type of
>vampire, you may wish to
>speak to the person who brought you across.
>- Customer: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND
>NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
>(CLICK)
>
>Technical Support: You know I honestly hate calls like
>that. I mean what is
>with these people? Is it my fault they don't read the
>fine print? I mean,
>OK immortality is cool and the nifty vampire powers
>are great, but they all
>call me when they can't handle it and expect me to
>deal with this crap, I
>mean...one sec got a call.
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Undead Techni-
>- Customer: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH
>A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE,
>AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE FOUL FIEND!!!"
>- Technical Support: Okay sir, please calm down.
>- Customer: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE
>IS BATTERING DOWN
>THE DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!
>- Technical Support: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to
>holy symbols?
>- Customer: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath
>vampire, we don't do the
>holy symbols thing.
>- Technical Support: Ah, good! I also see your kind of
>vampire has
>increased strength and speed and can take a lot of
>punishment. Okay, is he
>through the door yet? Are there more than one of them?
>
>- Customer: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses
>and one of them has a
>crossbow.
>- Technical Support: Well, okay. Do you have a phone
>book?
>- Customer: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK
>GOING TO DO ME?!?!
>- Technical Support: Sir, I need you to remain calm if
>you want me to help
>you, okay?
>- Customer: All right, now what? They're almost
>through the door!
>- Technical Support: Tuck the phone book inside your
>jacket over your
>heart. When they come through the door, let them shoot
>you with the cross
>bow, and then hit the one in front as hard as you can.
>
>- Customer: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence
>literate though.
>- Technical Support: That's okay, just follow my
>instructions and I'll talk
>you through it.
>- Customer: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a
>loud scream) Okay, there
>are two left, now what?
>- Technical Support: Okay, throw the one you hit at
>the second one as hard
>as you can, and then grab the third by the throat and
>lift him off the ground.
>- Customer: (loud crashing and some moaning followed
>by some choking gurgling
>noises.) Okay, I have the head guy dangling - now
>what?
>- Technical Support: Okay, now look into his eyes and
>laugh maniacally.
>- Customer: Heh heh heh.
>- Technical Support: You might want to try a more
>maniacal laugh. Kind of
>like this - MUHAHAHAHAHA!!
>- Customer: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try.
>Muhahahaha. How was that?
>- Technical Support: Close enough. Now repeat after
>me, "YOU PITIFUL HUMAN
>INSECT, DIE LIKE THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then
>please squeeze as hard as
>you can.
>- Customer: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard
>from the phone)
>Nothing is happening.
>- Technical Support: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand
>you are holding him
>with.
>- Customer: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard)
>Wow, this isn't so
>hard. Maybe I will get the hang of this whole violence
>thing! Thanks so
>much for your help!!
>- Technical Support: That's quite all right, you have
>a good night now, and
>thank you for choosing undead technical support.
>(click)
>
>Technical Support: See now, I kind of like those
>calls. I got to help
>someone, and you know that's what this job is all
>about. Am I one of the
>undead? Heck no. I don't care much for the hours
>really, I am just doing
>this for money while I study for my Occult Sciences
>degree. Then I can go
>out and make some real money as either an undead
>admin, or maybe a
>troubleshooter type. Support is great experience for
>that sort of thing
>because it gets you learning, and working with people.
>I know tons about
>the undead vampire types, and I heard we are going to
>start supporting
>werewolves and magic users next. Hey, if they want to
>train me, I'm not
>going to complain. I mean, after all--
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Undead Technical Support. Can I
>have your name and the
>time of your death?
>- Customer: Hey, is this where I call about problems
>with being a vampire?
>- Technical Support: Yes, it is.
>- Customer: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's
>kind of gross - can't it
>just be Kool Aid or something?
>- Technical Support: No, I'm sorry, but blood is
>definitely a requirement.
>- Customer: Oh, well, OK.
>- Technical Support: Anything else I can help you
>with?
>- Customer: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things
>from bad blood?
>- Technical Support: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets
>go of mute button)
>Sir, you're dead, okay? You really don't have to worry
>about that at this
>point.
>- Customer: Oh. How do I get the blood?
>- Technical Support: Generally you bite people.
>- Customer: Oh, OK. Well, bye.
>(click)
>
>Technical Support: (sigh) Geez, dude, read a book.
>There are times when
>this job gets on my nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh
>yeah. I get to start
>training today for supporting werewolves and magic
>users. And vampire
>hunters. You'd think that would be a conflict of
>interest... oh well.
>
>(2 weeks of training later)
>- Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things
>- we do not support
>major summoning or world destroying rituals. And if
>the customer is a
>werewolf and has just shifted and can no longer
>communicate you will need
>to direct them to the growling and grunting
>specialist. Any questions?
>- Technical Support: What exactly constitutes a major
>summoning? I mean
>what is our policy if they attempted a summoning and
>mispronounced the name
>and got a major demon lord instead of the minor imp
>they were trying for?
>- Instructor: Well, assuming they are still alive, you
>would probably want
>to send it to Escalation. Any other questions?
>
>(Later that month)
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Shape Shifter Technical Support.
>May I please have
>your name and the type of shifter you are?
>- Customer: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this
>problem...
>(scratching noises) I can't get this damn hair to go
>away after I shift.
>There's this one patch that just won't not go away.
>- Technical Support: Well, sir, is it a rectangular
>patch on your chest and
>abdominal area?
>- Customer: Yes, actually it is.
>- Technical Support: Well, sir, that will not go away.
>That patch of hair
>is the mark of the animal demon that currently
>possesses you. If you were a
>shifter by birth rather than by position, it wouldn't
>be there.
>- Customer: So when will there be a solution to this
>problem?
>- Technical Support: Sir, that particular behavior, as
>I have said, is a
>side effect of being a shifter by position.
>- Customer: Whatever, when are you going to fix it?
>Cause I don't like this
>hair, it itches.
>- Technical Support: Sir, as I said this is something
>that cannot be fixed,
>unless you want to go through a cleansing ritual and
>give up being a shape
>shifter.
>- Customer: No, you don't understand! I want this hair
>gone and you need to
>tell me how to get rid of it! Have you got that,
>fella? Cause if not, I'll
>have to come down there and rend you limb from limb. I
>am a werewolf, got
>that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that secret
>way you have of
>getting rid of this here hair.
>- Technical Support: Sir, I must tell you that if you
>continue to be
>threatening, I will have to terminate this call and
>refer your case to our
>security department. That being said, we do not have a
>secret way to remove
>your hair.
>- Customer: All right, that's it! You're lying to me!
>Either tell me or I
>come down there and REND ALL YOU blankety blanks INTO
>SMALL QUIVERING
>CHUNKS OF FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU
>SAY TO THAT, HUH??
>WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH??
>- Technical Support: I am sorry sir, you've forced me
>to terminate this
>call. (click)
>
>(A few days later)
>(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by
>distraught howling)
>- Technical Support: Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have
>told him about the
>silver trap we have for werewolves... oh well, back to
>work.
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Mystical Technical Support. May I
>please have your
>name and the name of your group, or your contract
>number if you are an
>independent.
>Customer: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member
>of the Most
>Glorious-Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.
>- Technical Support: Okay, sir, what can I help you
>with?
>- Customer: Well it's a small thing really, I was just
>wondering what would
>happen if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th level
>elemental spirit I had
>gotten two of the glyphs wrong?
>- Technical Support: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head
>pounding on table is
>heard)
>- Customer: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9
>into a 90 and the
>elemental to demonic.
>- Technical Support: I see. Sir, can you hang on a
>second?
>- Customer: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the
>glowing purple thing
>is getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding.
>
>- Technical Support: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold
>music) AHHHH why do
>I get these calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you to
>listen to me
>carefully. Once I'm done talking, I want you to follow
>these steps. First
>open the door to the room you are in, step through it,
>and run as fast as
>you can. Then call 555-DUMB. This is the number for a
>service that takes
>care of these kinds of situations.
>- Customer: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet
>crunching sound, a
>scream, and then silence)
>- Technical Support: (sigh) I lose more idiots that
>way. Oh well, at least
>I got promoted to major conjurations, summoning and
>escalation support last
>week. It means more money, although now I end up with
>even bigger problems
>to deal with. But they're giving me more training I
>guess.
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Escalations, go for it
>- Other Technician: Okay, I've got this guy on the
>line who says that he is
>trying a major summoning, and he has a wizard class
>account, so he is
>covered. But I have no clue what's going wrong. He has
>the sacrifice he
>needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has
>the blue pillar of
>fire going for him! Could you take it, please, because
>frankly, I am stumped.
>- Technical Support: Sure, go ahead and transfer him.
>(pause) Hi there, I
>hear you are having some problems.
>- Customer: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the
>materials and
>everything appears to be fine. I have the gateway open
>but I am getting no
>response to the truename.
>- Technical Support: A sacrifice was mentioned - could
>you tell me what kind?
>- Customer: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was
>needed, and she is
>waiting right here all bound and prepared for the
>demon to come through and
>rip her to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper
>amount of screaming.
>- Technical Support: (knowing chuckle) Did you say
>virgin sacrifice? And
>how old is she?
>- Customer: She is 17. I had her checked out
>beforehand and she is a
>certified virgin.
>- Technical Support: Of course. By any chance do you
>have a young male
>assistant? A teenager, perhaps?
>- Customer: Well, yes I. . . DAMMIT ALL TO HELL,
>Jedrick, come over here!
>I'm gonna peel the skin off your back and feed you to
>--truename of major
>demon omitted--
>- Technical Support: Sir, you may not realize this,
>but saying names like
>that in front of open gateways can be a bad idea.
>- Customer: What, you mean --truename of major demon
>omitted--? Why would
>that be bad?
>- Technical Support: Sir, I would once again advise
>you against saying that
>name in front of a gateway.
>- Customer: Oh, come on, no one actually expects
>--truename of major demon
>omitted-- to answer, I mean he (sound of a thunder
>clap)
>- Technical Support: (sigh) If this keeps happening I
>might get written up.
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead.
>- Other Technician: Ummmm, I have a demon on the
>phone.
>- Technical Support: You mean someone summoned a demon
>and he needs help
>with it?
>- Other Technician: N-n-no, the demon killed him while
>he was on the phone
>and, ummm, it somehow got my name and now it says it
>owns my soul as well,
>and I am kinda in over my head, HELP please.
>- Technical Support: Okay, go ahead and conference it.
>
>- Other Technician: Okay, here goes.
>- Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!!
>- Technical Support: With whom am I speaking, sir?
>- Demon: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are
>mine by the contract
>of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
>- Technical Support: Well, all right, sir. But I need
>to tell you one thing
>first.
>- Demon: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!
>- Technical Support: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR
>UNNAMING, DEMON
>BEGONE!!!!
>- Demon: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo
>(fades into nothing)
>- Technical Support: See, it's no problem, you just
>can't let those demons
>push you round!
>- Other Technician: Cool -- thanks dude!
>
>(ring ring)
>- Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead.
>- Other Technician: I've got an irate, would you
>please take her?
>- Technical Support: (sigh) Go for it.
>- Customer: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER
>CONJURER, AND I KNOW IT IS
>NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY
>MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG
>PEOPLE IN HIGH PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL
>TURNED INTO TOADS!!!
>- Technical Support: Ma'am, if you will please calm
>down and read me your
>conjuring formula, maybe I can help you.
>- Customer: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible
>formula follows)
>- Technical Support: Ma'am, I think I've found your
>problem -- it is on the
>3rd, 8th, and 21st lines.
>- Customer: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR. SMARTY
>PANTS??
>- Technical Support: Ma'am, 2 + 2 is equal to 4, not
>8.
>- Customer: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a
>minute...(click)
>- Technical Support: Thank you for calling magic
>support, and have a nice day.
>
 

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