Edena_of_Neith's silly spells (always being updated)

[Edena_of_Neith]

The Beer Stein from Hades
(Alteration)

Level 5
Range: Short
Area of Effect: One container meant for liquids sitting in an inn, bar, or similar establishment.
Duration: 10 minutes
Casting Time: 1 action
Save: Fortitude, Negates
Spell Resistance: Negates

When the wizard casts this spell, one container of liquids in the establishment (this assumes your typical barroom cliche) becomes angry at the constant abuse it is suffering.
That is, it becomes tired of being thrown, banged on the table, having rotgut whiskey poured in it, being cleaned with rough nasty clothes, and choking in smoke filled rooms.
The angry container (typically a beer stein) decides to vent it's frustration on the nearest living being, typically the person drinking out of it.
The container promptly inhales, producing an enormous vacuum cleaner effect.
If the target being makes a Fortitude save, he or she throws himself backward out of harm's reach, and the beer stein then turns on some other poor fellow trying to drown his sorrows after a long day (another Fortitude save, limit of 1 target per caster level.)
If the target fails the Fortitude save, he is sucked into the beer stein and promptly devoured (no trace will remain) ; the beer stein will grow as large a rim as required to allow for entry of the unfortunate target.

There is a side effect of this spell: the soul of the target now devoured is imprisoned in the cup.
Hereafter, whenever the cup is filled with liquid, the face of the deceased will appear in the liquid instead of any normal reflection, and proceed to start talking as if it were in a normal barroom scene (or similar scene as is appropriate, depending on where it died.)
The soul will not realize it's body died, will not remember dying, and will not believe itself dead. No amount of reasoning or discourse will ever serve to convince it such.
Speak with Dead will only serve to summon the face in the liquid, and start it talking, but any form of Resurrection will return the person to the living (assuming the body is available, as needed.) and a Dispel Magic will allow the soul to realize it is indeed departed from it's body.
Elves slain by this spell do not travel to Arvandor, nor do they desire to, since they are quite sure they are alive and the compulsion to Go West has not occurred yet.
Kender slain by this spell are a terror: once seen in the container, they will stick around and talk, at the top of their lungs, indefinitely - or, at least, until someone bothers to hear out a complete kender story.

As for the container: it will be quite happy and satisfied, having vented it's fury and having absorbed a lifeforce.
The cup will, after the living are gone, prance around and talk with it's fellow cups (see Beauty and the Beast), discussing every conceivable subject, for whatever the deceased knew, the cup now knows.
IF the deceased is resurrected, the cup retains it's capacity for speech and it's intelligence (whatever the intelligence of the deceased was), and it will be generally morose, angry, and depressed, feeling that it was robbed of rightful vengeance against wicked wrongdoers who would bash it around, break it, and otherwise abuse it.
Of course, at this point anyone could walk in, and by careful, philosophical discussion with the cup, make it come to understand that killing is not so good, that an innocent was the one killed, that a wizard forced it to his or her bidding, and that it should be more appreciative of it's circumstances and a nicer cup in general. (If this happens, and the wizard tries the spell on that particular cup again, it will strike at HIM (or her), and not at the intended target, in which case the wizard must make a Fortitude save or be vacuumed in and devoured by the cup.)

This spell never produces blood and guts.
The victim is always sucked neatly and quickly into the cup, disappearing into it's depths (even if the victim is an ogre or otherwise large creature.)
This spell will not work on creatures bigger than large size, unless the container was meant for larger beings (a giant's stein is needed against a giant, for example.)

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

The Angry Engine (abstract)

This spell is for d20 modern situations.
In a medieval setting, a Juggarnaut of some sort must be sitting around for this spell to work (the ox-cart of a giant would do ...)

(Alteration)
Level: 7 or 8
Range: Short
Duration: Indefinite
Area of Effect: See below
Saving Throw: Will, negates
Spell Resistance: Negates

When the modern mage casts this spell, he casts it upon a single target creature of any kind.
If the target makes a Will save, the spell is wasted and there is no further effect.
If the target fails, the spell hangs on him or her like a Contingency, ready to go off, and will last indefinitely until triggered.

When the target crosses any manner of railroad crossing, and if a train is coming, the contingency is activated.
The magic then leaps to the engine of the train (which receives no save), and the magic goes off.

The engine of the train (typically a 50 to 200 ton affair, so perhaps it could be treated as a Huge Construct) obtains high intelligence, a nasty temper, a tremendous cunning, and a death-wish against the person who dared to try to outrun it across that crossing.
The engine immediately disconnects from the train, and at the crossing in question leaves the railroad tracks via magical power, and begins chasing the victim at full speed.
Powerful magic keeps the engine from tipping, and from digging into the earth (or, for that matter, solid pavement) under it's own weight (it will leave furrows where the hard edge of the wheels rake through earth, stone, and concrete alike.)

The engine will blast it's air horn continuously, and fix it's brilliant headlight in a furious glare upon the offending target, as it attempts to run him or her down. (The actual engineer of this engine, by the way, is evicted assuming a failed save which he or she may voluntarily forego ... a successful save means the engineer remains at the controls, but has no control over the engine.)

Upon catching the offending target, the engine slams into him for concussion damage (which varies), the target is thrown through the air and impacts for further concussion damage (which also varies), then is run over by the vindictive engine: roll 1d6, then multiply by 1d20 for damage. In other words, anywhere from 1 point of damage to 120 points of damage.
If the target is still alive, but real good at playing dead (that is, not breathing), there is a 50% chance the engine will be satisfied and the magic will end ... the engine will become an inert object and probably sink partway into the ground.
Otherwise, the engine - like an enraged bull - will back up to finish the job.

The engine must roll to hit each and every time it attacks, and it can attack only about once per 5 rounds or so, but ... the target only receives magical and dexterity bonuses against this attack. Normal armor bonuses do not apply (normal armor instead shares it's owner's fate.)
Magical armor has a good chance to survive this spell, being magical armor, but if it's occupant is squashed that is small consolation for him or her.

The engine will not quit until the target is dead, or the engine thinks the target is dead (as per above.)
The engine is granted great cleverness, and is unlikely to fall victim to any traps the target sets.

For example:

The target hides inside a building with a basement, hoping the engine charges in and falls through.
The engine, waits outside.

The target, hides in a large industrial building (or castle, against juggernauts).
The engine, smashes it's way into the building through the weakest point (or simply comes in the door or gate), then hunts out the target, playing hide and seek (allies of the engine can throw invisibility, silence, and illusion spells to hide it from the hapless target.)

The target hides behind a very large tree.
The engine waits until the target is asleep or departs (the target can't stay behind that tree forever!)

The target teleports.
The engine is granted knowledge of exactly where the target is, and sets off crosscountry for him or her.

The target puts innocent people in the way.
The engine has a 50% chance of being imbued with an evil spirit, in which case it runs those people down.
The engine has a 50% chance of being imbued with a good spirit, in which case it stops and avoids harming them ... then it continues it's pursuit all the more ferociously.

The target may attempt to board the engine, requiring a successful Dexterity roll against DC 5 (if the engine is not moving) to DC 20 (if it is moving very fast.)
If successful, he or she will suffer an electrical shock (6d6 damage) as the engine employs magic to vent it's electrical charge upon him or her. Of course, this will throw the target off the engine (DC 30 to hold on.)
Teleporting inside will cause one such shock per round the target is inside (the hapless engineer, if he or she is still inside, will be fried) and this will continue until the engine is deactivated.

Deactivation cannot be accomplished physically, since magic is imbued in the engine and is granting it's supernatural powers.
Physical damage will not stop or slow the engine (unless it is massive or total), nor will running out of fuel halt the engine.
A successful Dispel Magic will halt the engine at once, rendering it inert, as will any more powerful antimagic dweomers.

It should be noted that being chased at 70 to 100 mph by an enraged railroad freight engine, it's headlight glaring and airhorn screaming, down your typical country or city road, is going to be a bit of an unusual sight for the typical man. Not to mention demoralizing for the victim being pursued.

It is not known who thought this spell up.
It is theorized a mage thought this up after a bad nightmare, the evening following a close call at a railroad crossing.
It is also theorized that an earth genasi thought this one up, after witnessing a close call between an adventuring party and a juggernaut.

 

[Norfleet]

I'm rather partial to certain classic spells, like "Summon City Bus".

 

[CRGreathouse]

The Beer Stein from Hades
(Alteration)

Hey, what is this, 2E?

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

Hurt the enemy really badly

This is an Evil Spell (or so you might believe if you read the Book of Vile Damnation which describes such magics.)
That is why all good aligned characters are regularly seen using it.

Hurt the Enemy Really Badly
(Necromancy)
3rd level
Range: Touch
Area of Effect: Target creatures struck
Duration: 10 rounds
Casting Time: 1 Action (plus attacks as below)
Saving Throw: Fortitude, Negates
Spell Resistance: Negates

The usual idea in combat is to kill the other guy.
Sadly, in this world of resurrection magic gone amok, dead opponents tend to get back up and try to kill you again.
The answer to this problem is to ensure the opponent is sincerely dead by killing his or her soul.

Now, this spell is not powerful enough to do so, but instead it produces a poison that infects the soul of the enemy and hopefully incapacitates him or her.
An incapacitated foe is usually worse than a dead foe, but better than a healthy trying-to-kill-you foe.

The wizard casts this spell, and his or her hands turn a ghastly blue, with blue veins running up his or her arms and connecting to some nether reality of horror and negative energy, from which necromancy blacker than black is summoned to destroy the enemy's soul.
(Or, conversely, no visible effects occur at all. Depends on the spell interpretation.)

The wizard must then successfully make a normal attack against the foe, and that foe is entitled to a fortitude save - if made, the save negates that attack (and only that particular attack.)
If the save fails, the deadly magic enters the enemy's soul and begins scalding it with it's acidic, agonizing poison.
The wizard may attack with both hands, as many times as possible, against as many opponents as possible, for the duration of the spell.

The wizard may attack with weapons.
If the wizard attacks with weapons, they glow the same ghastly blue color his or her hands do, poisonous drops are flung from the weapon to hiss in the ground, cold radiates from these weapons, and sometimes said weapons cry or even scream as they are swished through the protesting air.
All normal weapon damage accrues to the enemy upon a successful hit, and this spell functions in addition.

What happens to the opponent depends on how many times he or she is struck successfully, and his or her save is failed:

Once: Becomes moderately ill 3 to 12 rounds after being struck. The person suffers a - 2 penalty to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 5% of the time. Recovery takes 1 to 6 hours, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

Twice: Becomes seriously ill 2 to 8 rounds after being struck. The person suffers a - 4 penalty to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 10% of the time. Recovery takes 1 to 6 hours, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

Thrice: Becomes very ill 1 to 4 rounds after being struck. The person suffers a - 6 penalty to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 20% of the time. Recovery takes 1 to 8 hours, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

4 times: Becomes extremely ill the round after being struck. The person suffers a - 8 penalty to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 25% of the time. Recovery takes 2 to 12 hours, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

5 times. Becomes severely ill the round after being struck. All stats except charisma drop 25%, with appropriate penalties. An additional - 8 penalty applies to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 50% of the time. Recovery takes 3 to 18 hours, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

6 times: Becomes severely ill the round after being struck. All stats except charisma drop 50%, with appropriate penalties. An additional - 8 penalty applies to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 75% of the time. Recovery takes 6 to 24 hours, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

7 times: Becomes deathly ill the round after being struck. All stats except charisma drop 75%, with appropriate penalties (the character is possibly incapacitated.) An additional - 8 penalty applies to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 90% of the time. Recovery takes 1 day, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

8 times: Becomes deathly ill the round after being struck. All stats except charisma drop to 3, with appropriate penalties (the character is probably incapacitated.) An additional - 8 penalty applies to all saves, attacks, skill rolls, and other rolls attempted while ill. Spells fail or misfire 95% of the time. Recovery takes 2 days, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

9 times: Becomes deathly ill the round after being struck. All stats except charisma drop to 2. The person is incapacitated, capable of no actions of any sort. The person suffers a - 16 to all saving throws and other potential rolls while ill. Recovery takes 3 days, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

10 times: Becomes deathly ill the round after being struck. All stats except charisma drop to 1. The person falls unconscious (but remains in pain as if awake.) The person automatically fails all saves and any other rolls while ill. Recovery takes one week, after which the poisoned soul or spirit is considered healed, and the person recovers fully.

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

The Weapon Dolorous

NOTE: This is an Evil Spell. As a result, good aligned spellcasters are never to be caught without it.

The Sword Dolorous (yes, it's necromancy)

7th level
Range: Personal
Area of Effect: One weapon created by this spell
Duration: 1 round per level
Casting Time: 1 Full Round
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: Negates

After the casting of this spell, a melee weapon of the wizard's choice appears in his or her hand: long sword, bastard sword, dagger, mace, morning star, club, or whatever is desired.
The weapon may be wielded by the wizard whether he or she is proficient in that kind of weapon or not proficient, and a successful strike with it always inflicts 1 to 12 points of damage (plus any bonuses for strength, feats, or any other modifiers.)
The weapon is a construct of some dark energy from unknown dimensions, be they the darkness in the wizard's heart, or the darkness of some nether dimension. Although the weapon is not evil per se, it's soul purpose is destruction, and it must be created with a strong sense of (or desire for) destruction in the wizard's mentality.
In other words, the desire to KILL or REALLY HURT the foe is a necessity for the proper casting of this spell ... if the wizard wishes to deal gently, mercifully, or remorsefully with the foe, this spell cannot be cast.

The weapon slashes through armor, flesh, and bone like any good + 3 magical weapon would do. The weapon will slash through wood like it was paper, through stone like butter, solid steel like it was softwood, and mithril like it was hardwood. (Adamantite fares better.)
The weapon also slashes through the enemy's soul just as easily, causing it to bleed as flesh would, ripping chucks out of it, shredding it apart with repeated hits. The blazing, shining soul of the foe is no match for the reddish black weapon (as seen in the spirit world) that has come to rend and destroy.

Thus, whatever damage is done by this weapon, does not heal until the wounded soul heals, a process that takes 1 to 6 months.
Only Wish, epic spells, spells that heal the soul or spirit by various means, or the more powerful Restoration spells will otherwise prematurely heal this damage.

For every 10% of hit points lost to this weapon, the person struck loses 10% from all his stats except charisma, - 2 to all attacks, saves, skill rolls, and all other rolls, 10% from his or her chance to cast spells successfully, and he or she will feel progressively more and more ill until the illness is debilitating under most circumstances. These effects last until the soul heals from the wounds inflicted.

A person slain by this weapon, and only by this weapon (that is, taken from full hit points to zero by strikes from only this weapon), cannot be resurrected or wished back for 1 to 6 months following his or her death.
No saving throw is allowed to avoid this effect.
The soul or spirit of the deceased must recover from it's injuries, before the person can return to the living in the mortal plane!

A person slain by this weapon, and only by this weapon (that is, taken from full hit points to zero by strikes from only this weapon) must successfully make a save (choose the best save for the person in question) or he or she cannot be resurrected or wished back for 1 to 100 years.
That is how long it will take for the (effectively) mortally wounded soul to recover in the nurturing atmosphere of the outer planes.

 

[Piratecat]

Welcome back. I'm rather fond of the third spell's name.

Makes me want to create a spell entitled "Kick the enemy in the wussnames and run away." Literal, and yet effective.

 

[William Ronald]

The third spell name is quite good.

Hmm, maybe a spell designed to show evil beings the errors of their ways. Got it! "Righteous Indignation."

The recipient will certainly regret the lecture, even if he makes his save.

 

[Gez]

Welcome back, Edena. I heard your greatest and oldest computer had problems, but they seem to be solved now!

 

[Anabstercorian]

Let me do one!

I'm a rocker. I rock out. (Enchantment)
Level: Bard 3
Range: Short
Area: All within Short range of you.
Casting time: 1 action.
Components: Verbal, Somatic
Duration: Concentration + 3 rounds
Saving Throw: Will Negates
Spell Resistance: Yes

The bard begins to wail mightily upon a conjured electric guitar, his mighty riffs instilling in all nearby a nearly irresistible urge to thrash, headbang, and generally make nuisances of themselves. All those who fail their saves are compelled to start breaking nearby unattended objects while shouting like idiots at the top of their lungs.