My wife is absolutely awesome. A lot of ENWorlders have met her and know this. But she’s not just awesome around gamers. She is awesome as a wife. She is awesome as a mother. And she is awesome at work.
She heals people. And she’s damn good at it. But there are lots of ways to be good at healing people. One way is to communicate and get to know them as people, and she’s super amazing at that part. This week one of her patients took the time to write a lengthy letter detailing how much care and attention she gave them. They sent it to her superiors and also made it clear that, after they have their next surgery, they want to be certain my wife is their therapist.
That kind of praise seems way too rare these days. The art of delivering good feedback, as well as taking in good feedback, is something I think we could all be doing more of. That’s what I’m here to talk about today.
Not long ago we kicked off a new campaign in our gaming group. I’ve been running a lot of games lately, so I was very glad another member of the group was taking up the reins and running a game for a change. We made cool characters we were all pretty darned happy with and set forth on the first adventure.
We made our way through the first night’s adventure and, overall, I had a lot of fun. But there was one part where I ended up being thrown by the manner in which a situation in the game was handled. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why the GM conducted the game the way he did during that portion. It threw me enough that I pretty well bungled the feedback I tried to offer.
I called him the next day (we have been friends for 35 years and live 5 minutes apart so me calling him happens a lot) and offered my thoughts on the game. I got right to the point about how baffled I was about his handling of the investigation portion of the adventure. I didn’t understand why he had certain NPCs act the way they had based on information we got later. I talked at length about how our philosophies on that topic might differ. I gave this feedback in a way that, upon reflection, I would term, “craptastic.”
Mind you, I talk with people for a living. Yet somehow I failed to remind myself of the basic tenets of good feedback. First and foremost, if overall things are pretty good, DON’T lead with a bunch of bad stuff! I should definitely have taken some time to discuss the parts I thought were done really well (i.e. most of it).
Of course the consequences of my ham-handed approach were predictable: He got defensive. And basically that was the end of any truly productive part of that conversation. We talked at some length and nobody really felt better about any of it. It was mostly wasted breath and time after that point because I’d already cast a pall over the entire conversation.
There’s no guarantee that had I led with all of the many things I enjoyed about the setting, cast of characters and cerebral, investigatory nature of the adventure, he would have taken my criticisms in the best possible manner. But it sure would have skewed the odds more in my favor. Instead, it had the effect of rattling his confidence in the whole campaign. I feel pretty crappy about that.
I’ve since apologized and explained some of the stressors that perhaps caused me to handle it poorly. I’ve assured him his games are good and I’m really looking forward to playing this campaign. But all of that could have been avoided if I’d kept in my mind that giving good feedback is something to be handled consciously and with some deliberation beforehand.
So like I said, first, lead with some positives. Establish that, in general, they are doing a lot of things right. You’re not just buttering them up. This is the part where you have the opportunity to be very specific about things they are doing you like. Talk especially about the parts that surprised you or you learned something from. Those are things that impress me because I feel like I’ve not only had fun but also become better myself.
Once that is done I think it’s fine to offer criticisms. Try not to be too nitpicky. And realize (as I failed to do in my example above) the difference between constructive and “why didn’t you do it my way” criticism. In particular ask about outcomes the other person would have preferred and offer suggestions on alternative methods for getting there. That way you’re helping them work toward their goals; not just yours.
Stop along the way to discuss the severity of the outcomes. Don’t blow things out of proportion and recognize minor hiccups are just part of attempting anything worth doing. It’s much better to fail a little here and there rather than never stretching for greatness. Don’t forget to praise the grandness of the plan, even if it didn’t quite come out perfectly.
When all’s said and done, take a few moments to wrap up the conversation in a way that summarizes the general feel. If the feel is things are mostly good but could use a few minor tweaks, highlight those tweaks and give a pat on the back. If the feel is there needs to be considerable improvement, focus on a few key points so they don’t feel too overwhelmed. And always thank them for their efforts.
The other end of this equation is receiving the feedback in ways that are going to help you. First and foremost, recognize feedback is a gift. Most people won’t bother to help you evaluate your performance. Those who do are worth their weight in electrum.
So when those people start talking, try to consciously shift away from being defensive. Be in “receive mode.” Don’t attempt to counter their arguments. Just listen and do your best to remember. In fact, if you’re getting this feedback verbally, consider asking if you can record the conversation. Most of us are carrying phones in our pockets these days that convert to dictaphones at the touch of a button. If they are sending written feedback, revisit it again before you go to plan your next adventure.
Being open to feedback means more than just the criticisms. As wonderful as my wife is, she’s not always great at taking compliments. She’s too humble and will frequently say, “Oh that was nothing,” or something similar. I think that’s just as bad, and certainly poisonous to getting future feedback, as turning aside criticisms. Again, be in “receive mode” and let people say nice things to you. Take that on board and be conscious about doing those nice things again the next time you get a chance.
We can all be better, but only if we listen, learn, and pay attention.
How do you rate your skills at offering feedback? Is there somebody right now you could be praising the great job they are doing? Is there somebody whom you wish would let you know how you’re doing?
She heals people. And she’s damn good at it. But there are lots of ways to be good at healing people. One way is to communicate and get to know them as people, and she’s super amazing at that part. This week one of her patients took the time to write a lengthy letter detailing how much care and attention she gave them. They sent it to her superiors and also made it clear that, after they have their next surgery, they want to be certain my wife is their therapist.
That kind of praise seems way too rare these days. The art of delivering good feedback, as well as taking in good feedback, is something I think we could all be doing more of. That’s what I’m here to talk about today.
Not long ago we kicked off a new campaign in our gaming group. I’ve been running a lot of games lately, so I was very glad another member of the group was taking up the reins and running a game for a change. We made cool characters we were all pretty darned happy with and set forth on the first adventure.
We made our way through the first night’s adventure and, overall, I had a lot of fun. But there was one part where I ended up being thrown by the manner in which a situation in the game was handled. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why the GM conducted the game the way he did during that portion. It threw me enough that I pretty well bungled the feedback I tried to offer.
I called him the next day (we have been friends for 35 years and live 5 minutes apart so me calling him happens a lot) and offered my thoughts on the game. I got right to the point about how baffled I was about his handling of the investigation portion of the adventure. I didn’t understand why he had certain NPCs act the way they had based on information we got later. I talked at length about how our philosophies on that topic might differ. I gave this feedback in a way that, upon reflection, I would term, “craptastic.”
Mind you, I talk with people for a living. Yet somehow I failed to remind myself of the basic tenets of good feedback. First and foremost, if overall things are pretty good, DON’T lead with a bunch of bad stuff! I should definitely have taken some time to discuss the parts I thought were done really well (i.e. most of it).
Of course the consequences of my ham-handed approach were predictable: He got defensive. And basically that was the end of any truly productive part of that conversation. We talked at some length and nobody really felt better about any of it. It was mostly wasted breath and time after that point because I’d already cast a pall over the entire conversation.
There’s no guarantee that had I led with all of the many things I enjoyed about the setting, cast of characters and cerebral, investigatory nature of the adventure, he would have taken my criticisms in the best possible manner. But it sure would have skewed the odds more in my favor. Instead, it had the effect of rattling his confidence in the whole campaign. I feel pretty crappy about that.
I’ve since apologized and explained some of the stressors that perhaps caused me to handle it poorly. I’ve assured him his games are good and I’m really looking forward to playing this campaign. But all of that could have been avoided if I’d kept in my mind that giving good feedback is something to be handled consciously and with some deliberation beforehand.
So like I said, first, lead with some positives. Establish that, in general, they are doing a lot of things right. You’re not just buttering them up. This is the part where you have the opportunity to be very specific about things they are doing you like. Talk especially about the parts that surprised you or you learned something from. Those are things that impress me because I feel like I’ve not only had fun but also become better myself.
Once that is done I think it’s fine to offer criticisms. Try not to be too nitpicky. And realize (as I failed to do in my example above) the difference between constructive and “why didn’t you do it my way” criticism. In particular ask about outcomes the other person would have preferred and offer suggestions on alternative methods for getting there. That way you’re helping them work toward their goals; not just yours.
Stop along the way to discuss the severity of the outcomes. Don’t blow things out of proportion and recognize minor hiccups are just part of attempting anything worth doing. It’s much better to fail a little here and there rather than never stretching for greatness. Don’t forget to praise the grandness of the plan, even if it didn’t quite come out perfectly.
When all’s said and done, take a few moments to wrap up the conversation in a way that summarizes the general feel. If the feel is things are mostly good but could use a few minor tweaks, highlight those tweaks and give a pat on the back. If the feel is there needs to be considerable improvement, focus on a few key points so they don’t feel too overwhelmed. And always thank them for their efforts.
The other end of this equation is receiving the feedback in ways that are going to help you. First and foremost, recognize feedback is a gift. Most people won’t bother to help you evaluate your performance. Those who do are worth their weight in electrum.
So when those people start talking, try to consciously shift away from being defensive. Be in “receive mode.” Don’t attempt to counter their arguments. Just listen and do your best to remember. In fact, if you’re getting this feedback verbally, consider asking if you can record the conversation. Most of us are carrying phones in our pockets these days that convert to dictaphones at the touch of a button. If they are sending written feedback, revisit it again before you go to plan your next adventure.
Being open to feedback means more than just the criticisms. As wonderful as my wife is, she’s not always great at taking compliments. She’s too humble and will frequently say, “Oh that was nothing,” or something similar. I think that’s just as bad, and certainly poisonous to getting future feedback, as turning aside criticisms. Again, be in “receive mode” and let people say nice things to you. Take that on board and be conscious about doing those nice things again the next time you get a chance.
We can all be better, but only if we listen, learn, and pay attention.
How do you rate your skills at offering feedback? Is there somebody right now you could be praising the great job they are doing? Is there somebody whom you wish would let you know how you’re doing?
