The Wide World of Melee
Hello, and welcome back. This is the Seer Hawkwind, providing live, up-to-the-minute coverage, and with me as always is Erk Stronginthearm, former three-time middleweight champion of the Dwarrowdelver Clan Weaponsmithing Company Invitational Gladiatorial Challenge.
Great to be here, Hawk.
Erk, today we'll be starting off with a real barn-burner, a highly anticipated match up between Mikek, Trusted Lieutenant of the Evil Genius, and some guys. So, are we talking grudge match?
You bet. The dispute between the Evil Genius and some guys has been building for months now. I'm sure we all remember the disastrous Gariarch/some guys match up, a bitter defeat that some guys have since blamed on the Evil Genius. And now it's payback time.
The leader of some guys would have to be Thar, a goblin cleric.
(ARCHIVE FOOTAGE -- THAR IN ACTION)
Thar is an interesting combatant. On the one hand, he's a puny little goblin, the kind I killed seven at a time during the Odium Palace Tournaments. But on the other hand, he's been serving his pathetic god for some time, and has built up to a relatively impressive 8th level.
Eighth level? An eighth level goblin?
Oh, it gets better than that, Hawk. While his melee abilities are comical at best -- I'm not even sure if he carries a weapon -- his magic is nothing to sneeze at. As a cleric of the dark godling Malgoo... Malgubi... as a cleric of the goblin-god, Thar channels negative energy, which translates into some pretty impressive touch-attack spells. We're talking an 18 DEX and Weapon Finesse (Touch Attacks). Fully buffed, we're talking on the order of +11 on the touch attack to deliver the spell, and it's held in-hand if he misses. We're talking a burned Freedom of Movement for 4d8+8 in negative energy.
Hoo-doggie, that's some spicy negative energy!
It'll put a crimp in any elf's coiffure, that's for damn sure. Now, Thar's assistant is Rhuun, also a goblin.
(STILL IMAGE OF RHUUN DECAPITATING THE BUGBEAR PATROL LEADER WITH HER DAGGER AND DWARVEN THROWING AXE)
She a spellcaster, Erk?
No indeed, Rhuun is the closest thing some guys have to a death-dealing melee machine. Interesting history here -- Rhuun is actually an escaped slave from the drow breeding pits, and an ardent follower of Magloo... of the goblin-god.
Which goblin god is that, Erk?
The main one. Anyway, Rhuun is only sixth level --
"Only?"
Impressive for a goblin, yes, but trivial compared to what the Evil Genius is packing. Rhuun's wielding a magical shortsword today, just recently purchased in the trading city of Gulg. Normally she wields a dagger in her off-hand, but given the level of the opposition she's going for two-handed on that short sword. We're talking a +12 melee attack for 1d6+8 damage, plus a 1d6 sneak attack.
Ho, ho, doctor, break out the hickory switch!
You said it, Hawk. Next in the lineup of some guys is Atarax, goblin bard.
(ARCHIVAL FOOTAGE OF ATARAX SINGING THE SONG ABOUT EATING A PURPLE WORM, NO AUDIO)
Goblin bard? Call Aunt Nancy, the crazies are in the chicken coop!
Atarax isn't much for melee, but has an impressive +5 charisma bonus as well as the Spell Focus (Enchantment) feat. Glitterdust is one of his signature spells, but I'm sure we'll be seeing him break out some of his trademark Failed Charm Monster attempts, possibly Confusion.
Atarax is far from the principal spellcaster among some guys, though, Erk, am I right?
You’re quite correct. That’s an honor that goes to either Foleful the sorcerer –
The xvart.
Wait, he’s a xvart? You mean one of those godless heathen –
(BROADCAST INTERRUPTED. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS. THE STATION IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.)
– and if I ever meet one of those unbelievers, I’ll –
(BROADCAST INTERRUPTED. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS. THE STATION IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.)
– until he’s blue for a different reason!
You said a mouthful, Erk. But this isn’t the time or place. What’s Foleful bringing to the fight?
Aside from a dangerous and subversive heresy, you mean? Well, we’re looking at an extremely variant sorcerer here. At eighth level, Foleful knows four fourth-level spells: Summon Monster IV, Divination, Arcane Eye, and Solid Fog. His best direct-attack spell is Bolt of Conjuring, an unusual choice.
How so?
Bolt of Conjuring is a combination magic missile/summon monster spell. The single target suffers Force damage – in Foleful’s case, 8d4, and is attacked by a minor summoned monster. No save.
Well, better call up the Sage – that sounds pretty powerful for a third-level spell!
More powerful than Lightning Bolt? Fireball? Haste? Is it more powerful than Haste, Hawk?
Touche. Now, there’s another sorcerer in some guys.
That’s right, Moroku the orc. He’s under the same basic deal as Foleful: extra spells, more limited in scope. He’s also a level lower.
(PUBLICITY STILL OF MOROKU QUESTIONING A TROLL ON THE NATURE OF POWER)
And what a difference a level makes, eh, Erk?
It’s too early to tell, really. Moroku’s bringing some heavy attack spells to bear: Magic Missile, Lightning Bolt, Fireball, and the ever-popular Dispel Magic.
Poom! Wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley! Or would I?
You could probably get away, Hawk, given that Moroku is on the “Old” side of the Aging Effects table, pushing Venerable. That’s –3 to all his physical attributes, and a boost to his Int, Wis, and Cha. Moroku is currently also the only Medium-sized member of some guys currently. We’ll be seeing quite a bit of stooping.
Now I know it’s all in the wrist, Erk, but aren’t some guys more than a little spellcaster-heavy?
I’m told there’s one more member of the team, but she’s never been photographed or interviewed.
(NO IMAGE AVAILABLE)
Ah, a roguey type, then? Lock up the silver and hide the good china, the rogues are coming to roost!
Couldn’t say, couldn’t say. Some guys’ roster includes someone named Krikara, but we have no information.
So that’s some guys. In a moment, we’ll bring up the statistics for Team Evil Genius, but first, a few words from the good people at 3M: the Mithral Mining Monopoly, controlling Mithral production and distribution in a price-fixing cartel for over eight centuries!
. I'm working on a certain trio's stat blocks at the moment . . . buhahahahahaha. 
