Funny in-game quotes

[RigaMortus]

DM: The fire giant swings his great sword at Yordrick.
Yordrick: There is a fire dwarf in front of him, does that provide me with cover?
DM: Sure, I'll give ya a cover bonus.
DM rolls dice, checks AC. Missed.
Me: How much did he miss by? Maybe he hit the cover?
DM: You're right, he did hit the cover. Get that fire dwarf out of there.
Group laughs at the fire giant who killed his own ally
Me: Does the fire giant have cleave?
DM checks Monster Manual.
DM: He has Great Cleave
Yordrick shaking his head: That ain't right...

 

[LGodamus]

hmmm thats rough

 

[Shub-Niggurath]

A funny quote from my game. One of the PC's had annoyed a dust mephit, Sheamusxanthusxenus of Planescape fame, and was rewarded with having a kidney thrown at him.

DM (me) : Congratulations, you've been successfully critically hit... by a human kidney.

PC: OW! *wipes away splatter from kidney and rubs the bruise from all of 6 points damage*

Seamusxanthusxenus: 'And I have another one where that came from!'

 

[DerianCypher]

In the middle of a battle that we (the PCs) were desperately losing tha paladin looks up and lets out a hoorah as he declares, "I STILL HAVE SMITE EVIL LEFT!!! THAT BASTARD IS GOING DOWN!!!"



DC

 

[Draxus the Tainted]

Deathknight is causing havoc in a tavern having chased someone in there looking for something of his killing everyone in his path...

Hermione: "What do you think we should do?"
Vincent (Me): "Watch the show!"

 

[Torx]

Very straight-arrow player playing a paladin of the god of justice right after slaying some evil creature:

“Laether, take this child into your arms. . .
and spank it. . .
for it was naughty in your sight”

 

[Nareau]

Party enters ancient ghost-town to search for clues; they're trying to decide how to deal with the numerous undead threats they're encountering:
Sorc: "Let's just burn the place to the ground."
Druid: "I thought we were here to cleanse the unholy taint from the city."
Sorc: "... ... Well, fire cleanses."

Paladin and his friend are trying to kill an extremely irritating band of goblins. The goblins are hiding in a cave up above:
Paladin: [I pull out my crossbow and ready an action to shoot anyone I see up there.] <shouting> "This is your last chance to surrender!"

 

[Witch Doctor]

in my very first session of RPing (dnd3e) i had an elven rogue, first combat starts, so I look to a list of abilities I have. On the sheet is written "traps", so naturally i say, "I dig a trap for the orcs to fall into".

Neededless to say, this quote has been the near-bane of my existance for 3 years now *sigh*

 

[Dextolen]

Some funny in game quotes I happened to catch and jot down:

"Can someone please tell me why have we decided to postpone the carnage?”

“How about that Plan C, run up and heal me.”

“No more dreams, I’m not following anybody’s dreams ever again.”

The group needed to steal an artifact from a powerful merchant family's mansion. At one point, there was talk of poisoning their food:

“Do we have to kill everyone?”
“No, only those that are hungry”

On subduing a guard:

“I’ll use the blunt side of my mace”
“It only has blunt sides”
“Exactly”

 

[LazarusLong42]

A few choice ones...

Sven is a huge guy with a Cha of 6 and a *bad* stutter:
Wizard: "Hey, Sven, you see anything?"
(Sven's player, OOC: "You got a month?!?")
Sven: "M--m--m--"

DM (after a high Sense Motive roll by a player): "You sense that he's telling the truth. You also sense that he wants to go to bed with you."

Cleric: "Like the old elven sage Talanth once said, 'Knowing is half the battle.'"

My female bard to another character, who is giving advice to an NPC on how to get my character into bed: "You are not my pimp!"