Good afternoon. I’m Timothy Speducci, filling in for Bruce Johan, and this is the 12 o’clock news.
The weather today is overcast, with a 90 percent chance of acid rain. Residents of the city are urged to carry umbrellas. Radiation is at an all time high due to multiple detonations of nuclear weapons throughout the country. All citizens are strongly urged to wear sunscreen when venturing outside. There is a high of 120 degrees today, with a low of -40. Expect rapid temperature fluctuations as the molten crust cools and nuclear winter sets in.
In other news, four men on horseback have been spotted in various places throughout the world, causing mass panic and hysteria in the local citizens. The president is holding a press conference to relate the government’s findings and official stance regarding these horsemen and the general state of the world. We go now live to the press conference:
“Ladies and gentlemen, the President.”
“Hello, and thank you for coming. I just have a few quick words to say, and then I have to get back to the office. I won’t be answering any questions at this time. Members of the press and fellow citizens, it seems the Apocalypse is upon us. Yes, the Apocalypse, also known as Armageddon, Ragnarok, End of Days, The Big One, The Final Hours, and the Day We All Die. In a few hours we can all expect the gateway to Hell, which has been secretly located in the IRS headquarters building for some time now, to open. From what I’m told, sometime this evening rather large insects in ancient battle gear will come forth to wage war with mankind. Of course, that’s all after a huge meteor crashes into the Earth, poisoning the water supplies and killing a third of the world’s populace. You can identify your probable time of death by the appearance of a red moon in the sky, and the sun burning out. Our scientists estimate that all this will happen at approximately 5:30 pm local time. That’s all I really have to say, other than to thank all the citizens of this great country for a fine term in office, and allowing me to completely take advantage of their moronic existences by raising taxes to pay for a spaceship large enough for myself and twenty supermodels to live quite comfortably in for the rest of our lives. Goodbye and God bless, suckers! I’ll be watching all the excitement from the relative peace of outer space.”
Inspiring words from our president.
In local news, a man identifying himself as the Antichrist has opened a portal to what we can only call a realm of pure chaos, and is even now summoning horrendous and vile creatures through this rip in space-time. Apparently these demonic creatures feed on human souls, and can be identified by their large size, protruding jaws with large blood-stained fangs, and a stench akin to a toilet that has not been flushed for three weeks. If anyone encounters one of these beings, they are advised to immediately play dead, and pretend to not have a soul.
Well, that’s all the time we have for now. Join us again this evening at 5 o’clock PM, for a special report on the end of the world entitled:
We’re All Going To Die
See you then.
See yesterday's 12 o'clock news here.
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