Hows my first plot looking?

[afrorooster]

Hey everyone. I just joined today (nice site) and I just started DMing a while ago and I was wondering if you guys would rate this first plot.

So the heros start in a port town in the kingdom of Ballin-Kharr. The king sends a request for heros to serve the king. The heros in the port town, leave with a ticket for a ferry across the gigantic lake between their town and the capitol city. Somewhere along the way bloodhawks will steal the ticket, and retreat. The heros now have to go around the lake to get to the capitol city. Around the lake they run into a town called oakhurst (part of a premade adventure I bought call The Sunless Citadel) They get distracted going to explore the citadel (if they choose) or not and by the time they get to the capitol city there has been another group there already. So the heros try to keep up, just miss the boat across the river on the other side of the capitol city, just miss the magic, miss the treasure and get there just in time to be blamed for the bloodhawks doings. (the blookhawks belong to the other party)


What do you guys think? I thought it would be a good way to introduce a good enemy and make the heros hate them...and introduce the next segment, but thats another story.

 

[der_kluge]

I think your major hole is to assume that the PCs are going to be riding on this ferry holding the tickets in the air just waiting for the bloodhawks to fly by so they can snatch them. I can see foresee that what will actually happen here is that the players will get their tickets and then will promptly place them into a belt pouch, or a pocket.

Your best bet is to just have the ferry be out of commision if your intent is for them to go around the lake. Also, you'd need some kind of reason for this other party to want to hate the PCs. It doesn't sound like to me they even know them. If this is an introductory game, and the characters are just starting their adventuring career, there's no reason to believe that they would have done anything to make anyone mad at them. So, arbitrarily giving the PCs enemies sounds awful heavy handed to me.

Your best bet is to just start them off in Oakhurst, and run the Sunless Citadel. It sounds to me like you're just trying to overcomplicate everything, and screw the party for apparently no reason other than that you're just mean. There are a plenty of more clever, subtle ways to screw PCs.

There's a good chance that if the PCs go into Oakhurst and go into the Sunless Citadel, they may not even *care* about going to the Capital since they'll already be well on their way to being adventurers in their own right.

 

[Darren]

What do you guys think? I thought it would be a good way to introduce a good enemy and make the heros hate them...and introduce the next segment, but thats another story.

Honestly? It looks like a bit of a railroad. Is there no way to recover the ticket or prevent its theft? No way to simply buy a new one? No way to arrive in the city on time? No way to reach the magic or treasure? No way to prevent being mistaken for the bloodhawks? If you thwart the PCs actions continually, expect the players to become discouraged rather quickly.

It might be better to have two ferries, and the bloodhawks hire a dockworker to delay one of them (the one the PCs are on) for some time. Give the PCs a chance to at least capture the dockworker, but he can't give details about the man who hired him -- the man was wearing a hooded cloak that hid his face, for example. Or have the bloodhawks bribe the ferry captain into taking them instead of the PCs -- the PCs can't go because there is no room. Perhaps they can get a refund for the ticket, or wait for the next ferry, or they can go if they give the captain a big enough bribe and some other passengers get kicked off.

Or simply give the players two scenarios to choose from: rumors of goblins causing trouble near a town called Oakhurst, or heroes in service of the king, and go with whichever one they pick. The king may still need heroes even after they finish exploring the Sunless Citadel. Maybe they gain a reputation in Oakhurst during their exploration and also gain the notice of a local gang of ruffians called the bloodhawks...

Anyway, just don't assume the PCs will always follow one definite path, and don't have a predetermined outcome no matter what path they take.



PS... Welcome to the boards!

 

[Keeper of Secrets]

Heh. Have the tickets be forgeries.

"NO TICKET!"

 

[Sunderstone]

If you are trying to keep the PCs on the run or just want to blame them for the "Bloodhawks actions". You could twist your story just a bit differently.

The foreign king puts out a call for heroes for whatever reason. The Heroes book passage to the King's land aboard a small ship. The ship gets attacked at sea by Bloodhawks who slay the crew while the PCs are resting below deck. The party hears the sounds of combat on deck and race upstairs only to see the Blood hawks leaving (bodies can have fallen overboard).
The PCs complete the journey on their own and sail the ship into the King's harbor. The harbormaster comes to collect a docking fee and sees blood on the deck and asks the PCs for ownership papers of the ship. The PCs fail to produce this and the Harbormaster shouts an alarm calling the party "Pirates" and "Murderers".
The party flees out of the city with Guards/Watch in pursuit, as they are pursued they stumble onto a large crevasse in the ground and drop down into it. As the guards pass overhead, they notice a structure below....

While this may bypass Oakhurst in the beginning, the party can still go there in-between forays for supplies, or at the end even. The party will not know if their description has reached Oakhurst and they may want to temporarily adopt another Identity while they travel there and subtley gather information.



It might be a little more work DM-wise but probably make for a more memorable beginning.
Hope that helps a little on the Idea front.

 

[Sunderstone]

If you want to fix the Outlaw angle later, you could always have one crewman survivor picked up by another boat, reach the port city and explain the whole thing. The guards could be pursuing the party just to tell them that their name has been cleared and the king wants to apologize etc.
The party will still be paranoid thinking the guards want them for the crew murders.

 

[the Jester]

Edit: Welcome to the boards! ENWorld Rulez!

As others have said, watch out for the chugga-chugga choo-choo. I think the basic idea is sound, but watch out when executing it... I'd say pickpockets may be a better choice than bloodhawks, frankly.

 

[Chimera]

Somewhere along the way bloodhawks will steal the ticket, and retreat.

just miss the boat across the river on the other side of the capitol city, just miss the magic, miss the treasure and get there just in time to be blamed for the bloodhawks doings.

I've been working on a railroad!
All the live long day!
I've been working on a railroad!
Just to force my group along!

Can't you hear the players bitching
"Why can't we do something else?"

I've been working on a railroad
Just to force my plot on them!

Seriously dude. You are deciding every element of the game without allowing for chance, without allowing your players to decide what they want to do. "It just happens".

 

[The Grackle]

What do you guys think? I thought it would be a good way to introduce a good enemy and make the heros hate them...and introduce the next segment, but thats another story.

New to DMing, huh? The first thing I learned (the hard way) is that the players NEVER do what you expect them to. EVER. These guys probably won't even go to see the king in the first place. Personally, I've found that players hate the whole working-for-an-important-NPC bit.

A good way to plan a plot is to write how it will go down if the PCs don't get involved; usually this means the bad guys do whatever they want and get away w/it. Then let the PCs try to stop the villains or catch them afterwards. In other words- expect them to destroy your plans.

So, plan what the Bloodhawks want to do (beat the PCs to the Capitol, steal their identities?, and ruin their reputations) and figure out how they're going to do it. Give them some back-up plans (sinking the ferry, ambushes on the road, etc.) and then see what happens once the PCs get involved.

 

[afrorooster]

Hmm....all very good points! Like I said i'm new to dming and all my players have never played before....so i'm not really sure what to do.

Sunderstone: I don't really want to get them to go to another land, seeing as they haven't even explored the one they are in right now .

die kluge: I wasn't thinking to have the enemy party hate them, just know about their plan to see the king and hold them up, so the enemy party can get all the reward.

anyways, thanks for the great insight, and now that I look at it, really it is very railroadish... I'll keep all the info in mind when I get to the session.

Thanks everyone