I need Elf jokes!

[Apok]

In a new campaign that I'm playing in on Sunday's, my dwarf character is travelling w/ an uptight, elitist, pansy spellcasting elf. Because of this, I am taking it upon myself to make his life miserable. Just in case you are wondering, the player of the elf in question is also prepping his own insults, so I need some good ammo here.

Post all of your really good (or really bad) elf-depreciating jokes, puns, anecdotes, snappy comebacks, insults, etc.

 

[MythandLore]

"Why did the Elf Queen see the doctor?
Because HE had low "elf" esteem!"

"Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!"

"If you owned 11 elves, and another one came along, what would he be?
A twelf."

"What is big, green and packs a trunk?
An Elfephant."

"What is a female elf called?
A shelf."

"What do you call an Elf walking backwards?
A Fle."

"Wasn't Alf a half-elf too?"

"What's the diffrence bettween a elf and a lamb?
Elfs give me indigestion"

"What's the diffrence between an elf and a fairy?
Telling a fairy he's an elf is and insult."

"Whats the diffrence between a elf and a chicken?
Feathers"

"What do you all a rich elf?
A Welfy"

 

[Moe Ronalds]

"What do you call an elven fighter?"
A joke.

What do you call an elf with a beard?
A freak.

What do you call a dead elf?
Good riddance.

What do you call a good elf?
Dead.

What do you call an elf that isn't a pansy?
Fictitious.

What do you call elven wine?
Swill.

What do you call elven homes?
Lumber.

What do you call an elf?
See previous answer.

What's the difference between an elf and a flower?
Not all flowers are pansies.

 

[Remathilis]

How many elves does it take to light a torch?
one, but it takes him 3 years to decide to do it.

What do you call an elf with a sense of time?
A half-elf.

What is the difference between an elf, and a malard with a cold?
One's a sick duck... I can't remember the rest, but your momma's a...

 

[MarauderX]

Favorite elf nicknames:

Skippy
Toonces (like the cat that can drive)
Princess
Queenie
Buttercup
Peter Pan
Mr. Brittlebones

Are you eatin' too many tulips again? Or is that little birdie voice in yer head gettin' louder?

Are you still complaining? You want some cheese to go with your wine (whine)? Write a poem about it instead, Lilith.

Hey would you rather sing the troll to sleep with a lullaby or go hit it with your purse?

Are those hollow bones flammable? Cause I could make a good pipe outta yer shins if they weren't, y'know. And hey, is that skull hollow too?

 

[Maerdwyn]

As my grandad used to say,
"'Tis true: an elf's years are as long as his ears
But his heart is as small as his nose.
For a dwarf with a flagon, when confronting a dragon
Is worth more than an elf with his bow."

 

[DM with a vengence]

"People look funny with their shins hacked off."

"For sale, 1000 elven magic swords, only been dropped once."

"What's the difference between a running dwarf and a running elf? Elf's in front."

"You live in trees. I'm holding an axe. I might come to a unilateral agreement."

"If you tried that fancy crap in a real fight, you'd be dead."

"Dragons didn't consider you important enough to bother with."

"I've read that an elf will exchange a nugget of gold for a song, do I figure I can get a treasury by doing this." (pick a long epic of choice and begin to sing it.)

 

[Moulin Rogue]

What did the skeleton say to the elf?
Would it kill you to put on some weight.

Why are elves so good at hiding in the forest?
When they turn sideways you can't see them.

Why can't elves grow beards?
The extra weight would make them unable to walk.

Why were elves given the gift of magic?
Because that's easier than just making dwarves tie a hand behind their back.

What do you call an elf taking the time to learn about the outside world?
Lost.

How have elves convinced themselves that they're the greatest race on the planet?
Trees don't argue.

Why don't elves sleep?
Because it would cause a trans-dimensional space-time rift if elves could possibly get any more lazy.

Why do elves keep writing nature poetry?
Trees can't tell them it's stupid.

If elves can do anything, why don't they rule the world?
They're too arrogant to notice that they no longer do.

Why did elves master archery?
They didn't want to risk their own pretty faces getting close to their enemies, so they got some other skinny pr**ks to do it for them.

What do you call an elf with well-worn, dented battle armour?
A looter.

How can you tell you've gotten close to a mighty elven empire?
When you're in the section of the library that says "Ancient History".

 

[I'm A Banana]

"Ye canna swing a good blade with yer wee limp wrists!"

"I'd give ye some o' this ale, my pointy-eared friend, but I'm affraid anythin' more potent than daffodils'd have ye onna floor"

"Yeah, they'll be real scared o' you, Nancy. What're ya gonna do, frolick at 'em 'till they surrender?"

"The only reason yer a good archer is because ya ain't got the bravery to look yer kill in 'is face."

"I've seen wee babes cry less often than you."

"Aye, it's pretty an' all, but what's it *do*? Actually, same question to you, Nancy."

"Right. I'll kill this one, Regdar, you kill that one, Krusk'll kill the other one and Nancy? Uh...why don't you stay back here so ya don't get hurt."

"Aye, Nancy, I'd introduce ye to my drinkin' mates, but I'm affraid ye'd just hit on 'em."

"The only reason dwarven women have beards is because they beat up the elf men and took it from the wee lil' crybabies."

"Hear the story about the elf maiden? Aye, she was lookin' fer a real man, and ended up marryin' a tree, fer it's the only straight thing in an elven wood."

"Wussamatter, Nancy, scared o' a little blood?"

"Jus' like an elf. All prancin', no use."

"Ah, I see, so you use magic because yer arms are too weak to hit 'em with a blade?"

I'm a fan of the flower one up above, too. Heh.

 

[Moulin Rogue]

Why don't elves wear helmets?
Because their noses are so high in the air, they'd keep falling off.