I've got a problem in my game! Help!

[Engilbrand]

Oh. My. God. Ridiculous. In all honesty, I don't see what the problem was. Here is exactly how I see the situation.

You: "Don't touch your nose."
Him: (Touches nose.)
You: "NO! I can never trust you again! You didn't respect my wishes!"
Him: "Umm... Ok? What?"
You: "You don't even care and you're not sorry. That's just wrong."
Him: "I'll think about apologizing and get back to you. I have to decide if this situation actually warrants an apology."
You: "THINK about an apology? RARGH!"

The problem here isn't that he "went behind your back" or anything. The problem is that this is a non-issue. It shouldn't matter that he read your post after he was told not to. The problem is that you should never have told him not to.
I play in games that occasionally use modules. I, personally, use modules. Do I read the modules of other games? No. I've looked through some of them before finding out that I was going to play in them, but that's it. The only reason that I don't look through them is that I like the surprise. If I do look through them, though, will I use that information? No. I'll play things like I would anyway and then sit back if there's a puzzle or secret that I already know about. After all, the other players should get the chance to experience it. Besides, most modules need changes as you go through based on how the group is performing and their interests. Reading about something before you play it in no way endangers the game.
This isn't a trust thing. This isn't about him being a bad friend. You're playing a GAME! Just play the game and keep your friendship. If you ever get to the point where a game is more important that a friendship, then YOU have a problem. Not the other person.
Ben didn't originally know how much this all meant to you. He's in about the same boat that I am. I can come off harsh with people and they'll occasionally call me on it. If I think, in retrospect, that what I did was ACTUALLY wrong, especially when it comes to the other person, I'll apologize. If I decide that I didn't do anything wrong, then I just say, "Oh well." I agree 100% with how he has handled the situation.
Don't get me wrong. I think that trust is incredibly important. If there's something that I tell someone that's important, of course I don't expect that person to blab about it. If you had said, "Please don't read this post that I made. It has spoilers for the game." and he said, "Ok. That makes sense." and then he read it anyway, I would understand your complaint. That's not the case, though. You sent an email to someone else that said, "Tell him not to look at this site." and he did it. Then you got mad at him. His word wasn't part of it. It's not a trust thing at all.

 

[FreeTheSlaves]

A face to face chat to discuss table rules & reach a consensus. If a consensus can't be reached then you've just gotta accept the separating paths. Once a consensus is reached there shouldn't be a problem - but if there is, it really brings into question issues of credibility and sincerity.

Personally I'd issue a blanket warning and make a list of books I've been meaning to find the time to read. Maybe game again next year.

 

[billd91]

He is going to do whatever he can to find the pieces of the Sunsword, get more information from the Library of Castle Ravenloft, do the magic activation/bonding rituals (whatever they are...), and stick the whole thing through Strahd's ugly face.
<snip>

Im not trying to get an 'Edge' or anything.

I'm going to call shenanigans on this guy. Having seen the other thread in question, this guy's posts scream that he's been seeking spoilers elsewhere as well.

My remedy would be to make some changes to the more important elements of the module spoiled in the other thread (and this one) to neutralize the information.

 

[tylermalan]

If you had said, "Please don't read this post that I made. It has spoilers for the game." and he said, "Ok. That makes sense." and then he read it anyway, I would understand your complaint.

This IS what happened, though.

He knew that I didn't want him to read it, and then he went and read it anyway, on purpose.

Also, your comparison about touching your nose is only barely similar, because touching his nose wouldn't irritate me. Replace "Don't touch your nose" with something that YOU care about, and then put yourself in my position.

What if you said "Hey friend of mine, pick me up from the airport." Your friend says "ok" and then DOESN'T pick you up, on purpose. Would you be irritated? Not only do you not have a ride, but your friend purposely wronged you. You would think "why would someone who is supposed to be my friend do this?" The pretend that you confronted your friend, and he didn't even care, nor did he apologize.

As you can hopefully see, "Don't touch your nose" is not much of a comparison.

 

[WhatGravitas]

He knew that I didn't want him to read it, and then he went and read it anyway, on purpose.

After having read this thread, I personally think... suck it up. It's annoying about the trust thing. But then, the relevance is... also different from the airport example:
See, as long as he roleplays his character correctly, and doesn't tell other players the spoiler, then he'll only ruin his own experience of the module. On the other hand, if he metagames with that knowledge or tells other people, I'd be seriously annoyed and would talk to him (more than usual, because spoiling for others is incredibly stupid).

I can certainly understand your position... but I'm probably a bit more pragmatic - I just wanted to offer my point of view, as always, your mileage may vary (greatly).

But then, the fact that he moves away changes everything a bit.

 

[Engilbrand]

The fact that he's moving changes nothing. Friendship has no distances.
According to one of your first posts, you sent an email to a friend, and then that friend told Ben. You did not specifically ask Ben not to go there and he did not give his word. You just made a demand that I see as being inane and he ignored it. This isn't a case of picking a friend up at the airport. It's a misunderstanding dealing with a game that two friends are supposed to be having fun playing.

 

[Lord Zardoz]

My only response to this thread is that this is Enworld, a gaming website, not Jerry Springer Light.

Its one thing to have a vent thread over a player action. Its quite another to turn what should be a private matter into a public matter.

I suggest that tylermalan and BenjErik ought to stop posting in this thread until they resolve this, if for no other reason that things said in private are easier to forgive then things said in public.

END COMMUNICATION

 

[Crothian]

I'm just shocked that a person would need to be told not to read something with spoilers in it.

 

[Man in the Funny Hat]

Some people will always peek at their Christmas presents or open them early. Some people actually do skip to the end of a whodounit first. That said, if you are asked NOT to read campaign-specific information and then do so anyway, you're a jerk no matter what your other tendencies. You then deserve to be treated as a jerk.

But ultimately, despite this one player being a jerk, this is NOT that big of a deal. It's irritating as hell, yes. It's a betrayal. You have every right to be royally ticked off. But this is just D&D. Now you know that this player is utterly untrustworthy in this area just take it in stride and move on.

I WOULD go along with one of the first recommendations in the thread. Announce CLEARLY to all the players that you will be suspending the campaign for a week or more because one player-who-shall-not-be-named was a jerk and you will need to reorganize your ENTIRE FREAKIN CAMPAIGN because of it. Get the players to police their own. Or even better - TALK TO THEM. Ask them if they want to proceed despite this annoying betrayal, knowing that somebody in the room is "cheating" in this way, then make your decision. But otherwise let it go.

 

[Engilbrand]

This is not a betrayal. It doesn't show that he's untrustworthy in the least. This didn't deal with anything that was truly important. Ben never gave his word on anything. For a betrayal to happen, someone has to break trust and a word of bond. They have to specifically do something that they knew would be a major thing to the other person.
If you tell a friend an important secret and that friend blabbed it to everyone, you have a betrayal of trust. Betrayal. Example: "I had an abortion." "Hey. Soandso had an abortion."
If you ask someone to do something important and they agree, then they don't do it, they broke their word. Betrayal. Example: "Can you pick me up at the airport?" "Sure."
If you ask someone not to do something and they know that they shouldn't, they tell you they won't, then they do it anyway, that's a case of a broken word. Betrayal. "Please don't date my ex. She's the mother of my children." "I would never do that."
If you have someone else send an email to someone about something dealing with a game and you request that the person doesn't go to a site he normally frequents to read something about a game that he's playing in, and he does it anyway, that's not a betrayal. No betrayal. Example: Read the last couple of pages.
It wasn't important. He never agreed to anything. Was it mildly annoying? Sure. Disrespectful. Maybe the tiniest bit. A betrayal of trust worth ruining a friendship? Only if you're a horrible person who puts ANYTHING to do with a game before a friendship.
If there's a game involved, NOTHING is worth ruining a friendship.